A joke....

[Guest]

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.
With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."



~Tiggs~

 

[Nexxus]

TIGGS!!!! What? My thread wasn't good enough? Sure, you hate me, is that it? And I loved you for all this time.
Oh woe is me, woe is me!!!
By the by, its a cute joke, but I have to respond, so.....


A man is walking by his sons bedroom when he hears his son saying his prayers...
"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma...and goodbye Grandpa."
The next day the grandfather dies.
The man is slightly curious, so he listens again.
"God bless mommy, and Daddy....goodbye Grandma."
And the next day the Grandmother dies.
The Father is a little concerned now so he listens again.
"God bless Mommy...goodbye Daddy."
The father is a wreck. He spends the day at work a bunch of nerves, he stays until 11pm waiting for the worst. At 11:55 he comes home a mess. his wife meets him at the door and says "where the fuck have you been? Its 11:55!"
He says "Honey, please. You don't know the kind of day i've had!"
She says "You? The fuckin' mailman died on our doorstep today!"

 

[Guest]

Hee hee hee, that's cute! As for a "new" joke thread... It's just me being lazy. lol I knew there was a joke thread, but that the time it wasn't along the top of the bb, and I didn't want to dig for it! lol I sawwy. How can I make it up to you? <eg>

 

[Guest]

Dumb joke!

Two men walk into a bar, the third man ducks!

 

[Rosebud]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says
that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams
in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her
ankle and screams and so it goes on.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

 

[Nexxus]

just reading your witty jokes is payment enough.
Oh and I also like blowjobs.

Hee,hee back!

Nex

 

[Firesprite]

Private dick

I am a Private Detective. I was sitting at my desk when a tall lady walked past my window. I knew she was tall because we are on the 7th floor.

There was a knock at the door and a case came in so I polished off two bottles. Then the phone rang and I knew something odd was up because I don't have a phone. I answered it and I knew there was something really odd going on because the woman on the other end told me there was. She told me to come around to her house right away, so I raced out the door.
I called a cab, the cab stopped with a jerk. the jerk got out and I got in. the driver kept to the footpaths because there was a sign saying keep death off the roads. She lived in the country, so I knew we were close when we stopped hitting so many pedestrians.

I knocked on her door and she opened it and greeted me with a burning kiss, then she took the cigarette out of her mouth and kissed me again. she was pointing two 38's at me, she also had a gun.
She was the most beautiful creature I had ever met. Her eyes in fact were so beautiful, they couldn't stop looking at each other. Her Teeth were like the ten commandments, all broken. Her hair was soft and thick, on her head too.
I went inside and saw a man on the floor. he had stab wounds to his chest, a bullet wound to his head and a rope tight around his neck. He was dead.

We decided to leave him there and go for a drive in the country. when we were out we got a flat tyre, so I pumped and she pumped and I pumped and she pumped, then we got out and fixed the tyre. When we'd got back in the car, a brick suddenly flew through the window and hit her on the breast, breaking four of my fingers.

We returned to her house and she invited me in for a root beer. the root was nice but the beer was flat. I kissed her good night and she closed her legs and broke my glasses.

 

[Firesprite]

just a quickie this time

What is the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?



Lipstick

 

[Guest]

For Nexxus

What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone BUT you! lol

 

[MADDOG]

A Ventriloquist was performing his act in a small hick town, and as is customary, he proceeded to have a little fun by having the dummy abuse the audience. The Dummy
called them hicks, inbreds and every other stereotypical bumpkin name in the book. About half way through his act, an enraged hillbilly stood up and shouted, "Now listen ere you lil' bastard! Ahve hed just about enough of yeooooo!"

Feeling guilty, the ventriloquist apologised profusely. "It was just an act sir. I didn't mean to offend. I'm so sorry."

"Ahm not talkin to yeoooo!" said the hick, "I'm talkin to that lil' turd on your knee!"

MADDOG

 

[Popi]

A man goes into a restaurant for lunch. As he reads the menu, a waitress walks up to his table and asks for his order. The man eyes her and relizes she's beautiful. He winks at her and says, "I'll have the special, please: a quickie."

"Excuse me. What did you say?" asks the waitress, aghast.

"I said I'll have the special: a quickie, please."

The waitress slaps his face and storms off. Just then a man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers. "Um, I'm sorry I think that's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[MADDOG]

Mickey and Minni Mouse are at the divorce courts. The Judge says to Mickey, "I'm sorry Mr Mouse, but it doesn't matter if your wife is a little bit crazy. That's just not grounds for divorce."

"I didn't say she was Crazy!" Replied Mickey, "I said she was Fucking Goofy!"

MADDOG

 

[Guest]

Hahahaha...Okay, it's not that funny!

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?



~Tiggs~
http://smilecwm.tripod.com/ct/ayla.gif

 

[Rosebud]

"Escaped Convict" - Rated R

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."

 

[Guest]

ROFLMFAO....okay, it's not that funny!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

http://smilecwm.tripod.com/fk/angel.gif

 

[Rosebud]

"Watch Out For That Tree!" Rated G -
A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

[Beebeeblue]

An old lady, after being alone for many years, decides to kill herself. She calls the Dr and asks him where her heart is located.

"Just below the left breast", he replies.

So she shot herself in the knee.

*tomato throwing accepted*

 

[Kamiyue2c]

A woman goes to the confessional and says to the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. The other day I let a man take my hand and put it on the crotch of his pants."

The father passed a vial of water through a slot and said, "Do ten Hail Marys and wash your hands with this holy water."

She leaves for the bathroom and another woman goes into the confessional.

The second woman says to the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. The other day I let a man reach under my blouse and touch my breasts."

The father passed a vial of water through a slot and said, "Do twenty-five Hail Marys and wash your breasts with this holy water."

She too leaves for the bathroom and another woman goes into the confessional.

In the bathroom, the two women are washing when the third somes in and says, "Out of my way, I've gotta gargle."

e2c

 

[Rosebud]

In The Army Now
There was this guy who just got sent to the Sahara Desert for his tour of duty.
Once he was over there for a while he began to get real horney. He went to see
the captain in the head tent. He told the captain that he really needed a woman.

The captain told him he could use the camel in the other tent.

The guy said thanks but no thanks I'll just wait.

So he went on about his business. A few weeks went by and the need for a woman
returned even more prominent than before. He headed back to the captains tent
to talk to him about it again.

The captain then said the same thing concerning the use of the camel.

The guy declined again and again left the captains tent feeling very bad.

A few more weeks go by and the guy just cant take it anymore. He heads back to
the captains tent fully intending to use the camel as the captain had offered
twice before. He walks in and tells the captain that he'll take the camel and
then asks where it is?

The captain and his friend show the guy to the tent where the camel is being
kept.

The guy sizes up the camel trying to figure out just how hes going to do this.
All the while the captain and his friend stand behind the curtain and watch.
The guy climbs up on the camels back and takes his dick out and stick it in and
begins to have sex with the camel.

He then hears loud peels of laughter coming from the other side of the curtain.

He yells for the captain and the captain comes out. The guy asks whats so funny?

The captain looks at his friend and chokes out that most guys just get on the
camel and ride it into town.

 

[Triatic]

So this frog walks into a bank and heads over to the loan teller. The teller smiles and says "Hello, sir. My name is Patricia Mack. How can I help you today?"

The frog says, "Well, my name's Froggy Jagger. I'd like to arrange a loan."

The teller blinks. "Jagger?"

"Yeah, yeah, they were in town for a show, Mick got drunk and hit the pond...the media had a feild day. We don't really talk much."

"Oh." The teller shakes her head, tries to regain her composure. "Well, um, Mr. Jagger, do you have anything in the way of collateral?"

"Well, I've got this," says Froggy, and pushes a small statuette across the desk. The teller frowns.

"Hmmm...well...I'll see what my manager says." She walks into the office and says, "Sir? There's a Froggy Jagger outside, offering this as collateral...I don't even know what it is." She holds it up.

The manager looks at it, then at her, and says, "It's a nicknack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

~ba-dum-bum-crish~

 

[Rosebud]

oh my god!!!come here triatic...for that one you get punished...as soon as i can get myself off of the floor and calm my laughter down

 

[Triatic]

~pondering...should I be really excited or really scared?~

~wink~

 

[Rosebud]

excited

[Edited by Rosebud on 06-30-2000 at 08:07 PM]

 

[Triatic]

Hurrah!

~does a happy, excited little jig~

C'mon, then...punish me...

~laffin~

 

[SimplySouthern]

First and foremost we MUST cease and desist with the blonde jokes people...and don't ya'll start in on the lawyer jokes either!

Second...oooh oooh oooh...punishment. Can I watch? Can I hold the camera?