A Joke A Day

[Wkd_Macey]

Building Bridges...

A good man was walking along a California beach, deep in prayer. Suddenly, inspired by a desire to be one with his kin, he cried out aloud, "Oh Lord, please grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and a booming voice from the heavens rang out as the Lord said, "Because you are a good man and have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you your one wish."

The man said, "Lord. Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over to visit my family anytime I want."

The Lord replied, "Good man - Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel that would be needed, over thousands of miles! It is possible, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish; something that you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they sometimes cry for no apparent reason, what they mean when you ask what is wrong and they say ,nothing!', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

There was a long pause, until the Lord replied, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Comparisons...

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

 

[lovecraft68]

Woman throws a costume party with the theme 'emotions'

One man showed up in green body paint "I'm green with envy"

A woman all in blue "had the blues"

The next guest was a man completely naked except for a pie between his legs.

"What emotion are you?" The host asked

"I'm fucking Discustard"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Drink Driving...

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar waiting to catch any drunk drivers. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else had slowly left the bar and driven off before the drunk finally started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him of course, and he stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied with a smile, "I'm tonight's Designated Decoy."

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life!"

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and
let me tell you about those young boys.

" He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't
let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like
that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.
" But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have
his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that,
it will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could
not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just
like she said.

" But," she said "Grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.
When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex.

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says

"Mommy, what are you doing?"

She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out."

The boy replied,

"Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"

 

[RustyIron]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Franz, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."

Franz replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news.

What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary......"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Polite Passengers...

A man was travelling home from work on a train one evening, when, upon stopping at a station en-route, another passenger - a younger man - entered the carriage and sat down nearby.

All was peaceful for a while, the first man continuing to read his newspaper. Then the younger man asked him the time. The man reading the paper ignored him, pretending he hadn't heard. The young man asked again, and once again was ignored. The young man then asked him why he was ignoring him, as it was quite obvious that he had heard him the second time.

The first man breathed a disgruntled sigh, and replied "Because young man, if I were to answer your seemingly innocent question, we would no doubt then begin a conversation. We would continue that conversation, getting to know each other quite well, and by the time we reached our destination I would say to you that as it was still early, then we may as well go and have a drink before we go home. We would exchange addresses and telephone numbers, and soon become good friends, visiting each others homes, where you would meet my daughter. You both would immediately take a liking to each other, and begin to form a relationship, which would eventually lead to you asking for her hand in marriage - and there's no way you are going to marry MY daughter when you can't even afford a bloody watch!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Cowboys...

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the 'rodeo'.

The other cowboy asks what that position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes it this way too,' then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

 

[RustyIron]

Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the 'rodeo'.

The other cowboy asks what that position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes it this way too,' then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

ROFLMAO............

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Ambitions...

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes," the father replies, "he wants to be a garbage collector."

"That's a strange ambition to have for a career," his friend commented.

"Well," said the boy's father, "he's not very bright. He thinks that they only work on Tuesdays!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Parental Advice...

My Nan told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to.
Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt a bit like double standards

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Clairvoyant...

A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed one night, and listened to her saying her prayers, which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and goodbye Grandpa."

Her father asked, "Why did you say 'goodbye Grandpa?'

"I don't know Daddy," she replied. "It just seemed like the right thing to say."

The next day the child's Grandpa died, and the father, aside from being grief stricken, thought it was a really strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father was listening to his daughter saying her prayers again, and the girl said, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and goodbye Grandma."

The very next day, the Grandma died.

Again the father was grief stricken, but this time he thought it was too much of a coincidence. He felt convinced that the child must have some clairvoyant powers.

A few weeks later, the child was once again saying her prayers, but this time she said, "God bless Mommy, and goodbye Daddy."

This time he practically went onto shock. He couldn't sleep at all, and the next morning her was up at the crack of dawn, determined to go to his office before any other traffic was on the road. He was like a timid cat all day long, jumping at every sound, and even had his lunch sent in to avoid going out into the street. He only felt safe in his office, where he watched the clock hour by hour, staying at work until midnight. Finally, when midnight had passed, he breathed a sigh of relief, only then plucking up enough courage to leave and go home.

When he got home, his wife said, "I've never known you to work so late. What on earth happened?"

"Oh, I've had the most awful day," he told her. "It was the worst day of my life. I really don't want to talk about it," he said.

"You think you had a bad day?" she replied. You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"

 

[RustyIron]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mum laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale

 

[MKvDeepSea]

SENIORS

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9 mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok,
I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often,
but this time it took me awhile to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

 

[LostNotFound]

This is a really dark (and gross to some) joke an old teacher of mine told us but here it goes

How do you stop a horny dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and start sucking his dick!

 

[Wkd_Macey]

This is a really dark (and gross to some)...

Yes it is - (yuk!)

................

A woman gives birth to identical twins, but sadly, because she is so poor she has to give them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal' - the other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him 'Juan'.

Years later, Juan learns of his true birth mother and he manages to find where she lives, so he sends her a letter, and a picture of himself. When she sees the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband tells her, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Q & A...

Q. What are the 4 major food groups?
A. Pizza, Coffee, Chocolate and Pussy.

Q. What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A. A bag of potato chips in each hand!

Q. If Jake has 30 chocolate bars, and he eats 25, what will he have?
A. Diabetes.

Q. Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert?
A. Because he was stuffed.

Q. Why is it that we cook bacon, but we bake cookies?

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Little Jimmy was always sucking his thumb, and no matter what his mother did he just wouldn't stop. She tried telling him off, bribing him, removing privileges; everything, but still he would not stop.

In the end she said to him, "Look Jimmy. If you don't stop sucking your thumb, you will get fatter and fatter and fatter, until you burst!"

A look of pure horror came over Jimmy's face, and the thumb came straight out and never went back. His mum was pleased and she wondered why she hadn't thought of that before.

Everything was fine until one day his mum took him on a bus where there was a pregnant woman sitting near the front. Little Jimmy sat opposite, staring at her, until in the end she asked him what was the matter.

He gave her a knowing smirk, wagged his finger at her and said, "I know what you've been doing!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

How to...

Q. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?
A. He forgot to wrap his whopper!

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy.

Q. How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A. Tell her she's pregnant.

(it's OK - I'm allowed to tell that one - lol )

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Accidents Will Happen...

A woman had an accident while she was pregnant and was in a comma for several months. When she finally awoke, the doctor told her she'd had twins - a boy & a girl, so she asked to see them. The doctor told her that because she'd been in a coma for so long, they had asked her brother to name them.

"Oh No!" she replied. "My brother is an idiot I dread to think what names he gave them. Anyway what did he call the girl?"

"Denise", replied the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad," she said. "What about the boy", she finally asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Logical...

Two builders (Dave and Stu) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stu: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Err... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stu: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stu: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stu: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Medical Professionals...

A beautiful young girl was about to undergo a minor operation. She lay on a rolling bed and the nurse brought her into the corridor. Before entering the room, the nurse left her behind the surgery room door to go in and check if everything was ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approached, took the sheet away and began examining her naked body. He walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. The second man came over and did the same examination.

When a third man started examining her body very closely, she grew impatient and asked, "These examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and told her, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Childrens books that didn't make it

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Let's Run with Scissors
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sister Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly.
12. Grandpa Gets a Coffin
13. Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
14. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
15. Strangers Have the Best Sweets
16. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
17. You Were an Accident
18. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
19. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
20. Your Nightmares Are Real
21. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
22. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
23. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
24. Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Things
25. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry