A Joke A Day

[Wkd_Macey]

Rude Customers...

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had to be temporarily withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way forward to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter saying, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!"

The attendant smiled and politely replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I have to help these people in the queue first. If you wouldn't mind taking your place back in the queue I'll get to you as soon as I can."

Undeterred, the angry man insisted that he should be re-booked ahead of the other passengers, and once again the attendant politely asked him to take his place back in the queue, adding, "... and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out for you."

The passenger was still unimpressed. So much so that he asked loudly, so that all of the other passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled, said, "Excuse me a moment," then picking up her public address microphone, made the following announcement:

"May I have your attention please! May I have your attention please!" her voice now clearly being heard throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT SEEM TO KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14 immediately."

She smiled at him again, replacing the microphone and adding, kindly "Won't be long now sir."

With all the rest of the queuing passengers behind him laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** YOU!"

Without flinching, she simply smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to get in line for that too."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

General Stores...

A shopkeeper was standing behind the counter in his shop and he was bored. There had been no customers for ages as it was mid-afternoon and everyone was either at work or on holiday. He got to thinking about one of the cute young mothers that called in from time to time, and he really had the hots for her, so much so that each time he thought of her, he would get an erection.

As there was no-one around, and he couldn't be seen from the windows, he decided to submit to his feelings, so he removed his expanding appendage from its protective enclosure and he closed his eyes, privately fantasising about the object of his desires.

Just as he was reaching the point of no return, the bell on the shop's door sounded and who should walk in but the very young lady who had been on his mind the whole time.

Quick as a flash, he moved up close to the counter and popped his manhood into the till, out of sight, greeting her with the customary, "Good afternoon Mrs Bates."

"Hello Mr Jones," she replied. "You're looking very pleased with yourself," she commented.

"Yes," he told her. "I've just come into some money."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Take Aim...

A vicar, and one of his parishioners, were out on the golf course. The vicar was hoping he could give the parishioner some guidance in restraint as he knew the guy was prone to excessive swearing.

At the very first hole the opportunity arose as the man missed a relatively easy putt. Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists the man uttered the words, "Fuck it! Missed the bastard!"

The vicar calmly told him that he should try hard to remain more calm. The man apologised and they moved on to the next hole, but as the guy took his swing, a bird flew up distracting him, and he sent the ball spinning off into the trees.

"Fuck it! Missed the bastard!" the guy cried out again.

"My son. My son. Please try to restrain yourself," the vicar said soothingly. "All this anger will not help your game at all," he added, smiling kindly.

The man apologised again and they continued their game.

As the game progressed, the pattern continued but gradually the parishioner's manner began to improve, and the vicar was encouraged by the man's progress even though he was still not quite managing to control himself fully.

They got as far as the sixteenth hole and the man was feeling quite pleased that he was making headway both with his game and with his self restraint. The score was almost even, so he took a brave swing in an attempt to cross the lake, only to see his ball hit the bank on the opposite side and roll back into the water.

"Fuck it! Missed the bastard!" the man cried out once more in frustration.

"My son. My son. You will never get into heaven if you don't stop your swearing." the vicar told him.

The man apologised yet again and they continued, moving on to the next hole.

The seventeenth went well until the man missed another easy putt, and he let out another string of expletives.

"My Son!" the vicar exclaimed in stern frustration, "If you can't curtail your anger, a thunderbolt from heaven will surely strike you down!"

The man was so shocked he almost went white, but again he apologised and they continued the game. However, on the eighteenth, all he needed was to sink his last putt to win the match. He composed himself, took careful aim, and took the putt, only to watch it roll teasingly away.

"Fuck it! Missed the bastard!" he screamed at the top of his voice, jumping up and down and stamping his feet. Even as he was jumping, it became dark as the clouds rolled over and suddenly a thunderbolt shot down from amid the dark clouds and struck the vicar stone dead.

There was a short pause before a deep celestial voice from the heavens boomed out, "Fuck it! Missed the bastard!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Nursery Rhmes...

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch the poor postman a letter.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare,
So they did it without - it was better.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

English History...

The 1500's

Next time you're washing your hands and the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children -- last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs -- thick straw -- piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof -- hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way, hence, a "thresh hold."

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite awhile. Hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous (some kids still think they are .

Most people did not have pewter plates, but had trenchers, a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Often trenchers were made from stale bread which was so old and hard that they could be used for quite some time. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms and mould got into the wood and old bread. After eating off wormy, mouldy trenchers, one would get "trench mouth."

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth. . . (who ever said that History was boring? )

 

[RoyceConnors]

Seems Prince Harry's stag party was a bit of a downer for him. Every time he put a bill in the strippers G string, he saw his grandmother looking back at him.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Etiquete...

Q. What does a man do standing up, a lady does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?
A. Shake hands.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Nursery Rhymes again...

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
to fetch poor Rover a bone.
When she bent over, Rover took over,
and slipped her a bone of his own.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

A Bit Dated?...

Q. What does Miley Cyrus put behind her ears to attract men?
A. Her knees.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Baking...

I invited my girlfriend over and she brought a guy with her. She said he was a baker.
Before I knew it, we were in the kitchen and she was helping him put a hot filling in my pie ...
(don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time ).

 

[HBergeron]

Not exactly a 'joke' joke, but I'm watching this guy on TV saying:

"Even Taylor Swift, where everything she writes that's a hit is about an ex that did her bad, I mean, almost to the point where she should write a song called "Maybe I'm the fucking problem."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

More Nursery Rhymes...

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet,
her knickers all tattered and torn.
It wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
but Little Boy Blue with his horn.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Morons...

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes a typical reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Money...

A dad is someone who carries a photo where his money used to be.

Too many people spend money they don't have on things they don't need, to impress people they don't even like.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

On the Bars...

Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have noticed it.
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
A skeleton goes into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Endangered Species...

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts.
Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
"Hey!" shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, "I'm a panda. Google me!"
Sure enough, the description of a panda reads:
"A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Friday in Dublin...

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.
They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos, which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later.." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a Breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Stupid signs...

I thought I'd share a few of these...
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/5yFL1w552ko/hqdefault.jpg

Sign of the times...
http://www.teamjimmyjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Slow-Children-Sign.jpg

Seen outside a bar...
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/44/05/14/440514c905192d4a5cdd7c0f3fea08cb.jpg

Could have just said 'High Voltage'...
http://images.viralnova.com/000/046/648/warning-signs6.jpg

Obvious, or what?...
https://www.oddee.com/wp-content/uploads/_media/imgs/articles2/a100076_stupid-signs19.jpg

Ah well...
http://www.dumbasswarnings.com/img/ahead.jpg

No kidding?...
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTjkmEqJm7bTdJK7T1ICibIVsbO-RfeW5EBry0gfilvZt1uYm7Q

Keep them quiet...
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/6W49wkpKzgU/hqdefault.jpg

Tempting...
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/79/b3/b6/79b3b681f759ffe79877786320d34c61.jpg

... and my all time favourite...
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/8eDZnnI1Pq4/hqdefault.jpg

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on her birthday of all days, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped off three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and was she surprised! There sat twelve dinner guests seated around the table, waiting to wish her a "Happy Birthday!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Creation...

When God created Man, She was just practicing.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Secret Codes...

An old priest got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he announced, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest told him, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor, telling him, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife has fallen three times this week."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Dog Tired...

Dog Tired

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

 

[EmpressJosephine]

https://www.pinknews.co.uk/images/2016/03/Lesbian-10.png

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Cannibals...

A cannibal kid was playing cards with the explorer they were about to cook.
His mum said, "Stop playing with your food."

Q. What did the cannibal get when he came home late for dinner?
A. The cold shoulder.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal.

Q. What do cannibals do at a wedding?
A. They toast the bride and groom.

Two cannibals are sitting around the campfire.
One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law."
The other one says, "Then just eat the vegetables."

Two men have been captured and tossed into a cannibal's pot when one starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" The other asks.
"I just peed in their soup."

(look on the bright side - after these, things can only get better )

 

[Wkd_Macey]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.

"Yup," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please?"

Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.

"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

Each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime beer.

Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of money out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

Duck says: "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

"Yeah!"

The duck looks very puzzled and says: "What would he want with a brick layer?"

------------------------------------

Just for Info...
I won't be on here for a few weeks (exam-prep) but please feel free to help out while I"m away. All contributions are welcome.

I'll look forward to lots of hilarity when I get back
.