.

[Aeroil]

graceanne's joke looked like it had potential for a spanked ending....I like that "If I catchyou, I can have you" LOL

. . .

 

[m wisdom]

Three hunters are out in the woods when they come across some tracks they haven't seen before. "I think it's a rabbit track." says the first one. "No no. It's a a bear track" says the second one. The third one doesn't have time to say anything before they are all hit by the train.

 

[Killishandra]

Three hunters are out in the woods when they come across some tracks they haven't seen before. "I think it's a rabbit track." says the first one. "No no. It's a a bear track" says the second one. The third one doesn't have time to say anything before they are all hit by the train.

yuk yuk yuk

 

[Marquis]

Alright, here's one.




This drug dealer is hanging out with this girlfriend and he suggests they try anal sex. Poor girl is scared because she's never had it before, and thinks it'll hurt.

"I don't want to be ripped open Papi!"

"It's ok baby, you just need to relax."

So he rubbed some spit on the end of his dick, and started working it in slowly.

"Papito, it hurts!"

"Relaaaaax mami, relaaaaaaaax."

He finally got it all the way in and gave her a good fucking. She never really relaxed, so it became tolerable at best, and was horribly painful at its worst moments. Even so, she would let him do it again and again, never enjoying it a bit.

One day, they were about to start having sex again when DEA agents bust into the door and arrested everybody. She got released later that day, but he was charged with trafficking and sent to the penn.

It was months before her first opportunity to visit him, and he looked like a different man through that reinforced glass. She picked up the phone and asked how he was doing.

"It's fucking crazy in here bitch, how do you think I'm doing!! I'm getting beaten up on the regular, and you know, worse..."

"Well honey all I can tell you is to just try and relaaaaaaaaaax."

 

[graceanne]

How are a drug dealer and a prostitute different?

A prostitute can clean her crack and sell it again.

 

[snowy ciara]

for the cookie monsters

Why did the cookie go to the Dr?

Because he felt crumby.

 

[graceanne]

Jesus is getting behind on the house he's building for us in heaven. So he tells St. Peter "Stall. Only let in people who have interesting death stories."

St. Peter nods, and calls the next person in line forward.

"How'd you die?"

"Well, I'd been suspecting that my wife was cheating on me for a while, so one day I came home early. She was naked and in bed, and I knew that her lover must be around the house somewhere, so I started tearing apart the house looking for him. Finally I found him hanging from his finger off our balcony. I started pounding on his fingers, and he fell. But he was saved by a bush. He got up and started walking away, so I dropped the refigerator on him. After that I had a heart attack."

St. Peter said. "Ok, that's pretty interesting, go on in." Then he called the next person in line. "How'd you die?" he asks.

"Well, I was in my apartment, minding my own business, when I heard my downstairs neighbor screaming and yelling, and throwing things. I went out on my balcony to see if I could figure out what was going on, and while peering over the edge fell off. But luckily I caught myself on the ledge below. I was just giving a huge sigh of relief when the man who lived there came out and started cursing me, and banging on my fingers. I fell, but luckily fell in some bushes. I was thanking God, and walking off when the idiot dropped a refigerator on me."

St. Peter nods and says. "Yep, that's pretty interesting. Go on in." He then calls the next guy in line and asks him to tell him how he died.

"Well," the man says "I was hiding in this refrigerator."

 

[Marquis]

Jesus is getting behind on the house he's building for us in heaven. So he tells St. Peter "Stall. Only let in people who have interesting death stories."

St. Peter nods, and calls the next person in line forward.

"How'd you die?"

"Well, I'd been suspecting that my wife was cheating on me for a while, so one day I came home early. She was naked and in bed, and I knew that her lover must be around the house somewhere, so I started tearing apart the house looking for him. Finally I found him hanging from his finger off our balcony. I started pounding on his fingers, and he fell. But he was saved by a bush. He got up and started walking away, so I dropped the refigerator on him. After that I had a heart attack."

St. Peter said. "Ok, that's pretty interesting, go on in." Then he called the next person in line. "How'd you die?" he asks.

"Well, I was in my apartment, minding my own business, when I heard my downstairs neighbor screaming and yelling, and throwing things. I went out on my balcony to see if I could figure out what was going on, and while peering over the edge fell off. But luckily I caught myself on the ledge below. I was just giving a huge sigh of relief when the man who lived there came out and started cursing me, and banging on my fingers. I fell, but luckily fell in some bushes. I was thanking God, and walking off when the idiot dropped a refigerator on me."

St. Peter nods and says. "Yep, that's pretty interesting. Go on in." He then calls the next guy in line and asks him to tell him how he died.

"Well," the man says "I was hiding in this refrigerator."

That's cute.

 

[ghosst_K&H]

Two guys walk into a bar...





















You would have thought the second guy would have been smart enough to duck

 

[Netzach]

Jesus is getting behind on the house he's building for us in heaven. So he tells St. Peter "Stall. Only let in people who have interesting death stories."

St. Peter nods, and calls the next person in line forward.

"How'd you die?"

"Well, I'd been suspecting that my wife was cheating on me for a while, so one day I came home early. She was naked and in bed, and I knew that her lover must be around the house somewhere, so I started tearing apart the house looking for him. Finally I found him hanging from his finger off our balcony. I started pounding on his fingers, and he fell. But he was saved by a bush. He got up and started walking away, so I dropped the refigerator on him. After that I had a heart attack."

St. Peter said. "Ok, that's pretty interesting, go on in." Then he called the next person in line. "How'd you die?" he asks.

"Well, I was in my apartment, minding my own business, when I heard my downstairs neighbor screaming and yelling, and throwing things. I went out on my balcony to see if I could figure out what was going on, and while peering over the edge fell off. But luckily I caught myself on the ledge below. I was just giving a huge sigh of relief when the man who lived there came out and started cursing me, and banging on my fingers. I fell, but luckily fell in some bushes. I was thanking God, and walking off when the idiot dropped a refigerator on me."

St. Peter nods and says. "Yep, that's pretty interesting. Go on in." He then calls the next guy in line and asks him to tell him how he died.

"Well," the man says "I was hiding in this refrigerator."

LOL that's funny and old people safe. I'm filing that.

 

[Marquis]

I can't believe I didn't even get a chuckle for my joke, I thought it was pretty funny!

 

[Netzach]

So this guy walks into a bar, a bar that has live music, asks to speak to the guy who books acts. The bartender brings out the act-booking dude and the guy tells him "look, I have this great act, it's a dog that play piano."

The guy booking acts rolls his eyes, but admits they have nothing for two tuesdays out, it's a dead night, but he's willing to give it a shot.

That tuesday the dog comes in, launches into all the standards. The dog is great. Drunk people sing along, everyone has a great time, people are amassing big tabs, the bartender and the booker are pleased....all of a sudden, part way through "How high the moon" this bigger dog comes in, grabs the sog by the scruff of the neck and marches out with him.

The guy booking the dog asks the dog's manager "what the hell is that?"

The manager says. "Oh, that's his mother. She wants him to be a dentist."

 

[Netzach]

I can't believe I didn't even get a chuckle for my joke, I thought it was pretty funny!

I liked it, that one I share with my bad-joke buddy. Not old Minnesotan safe though.

 

[Marquis]

So this guy walks into a bar, a bar that has live music, asks to speak to the guy who books acts. The bartender brings out the act-booking dude and the guy tells him "look, I have this great act, it's a dog that play piano."

The guy booking acts rolls his eyes, but admits they have nothing for two tuesdays out, it's a dead night, but he's willing to give it a shot.

That tuesday the dog comes in, launches into all the standards. The dog is great. Drunk people sing along, everyone has a great time, people are amassing big tabs, the bartender and the booker are pleased....all of a sudden, part way through "How high the moon" this bigger dog comes in, grabs the sog by the scruff of the neck and marches out with him.

The guy booking the dog asks the dog's manager "what the hell is that?"

The manager says. "Oh, that's his mother. She wants him to be a dentist."

Very funny.

 

[graceanne]

That's cute.

Thanks. I liked yours, too. Although that's what reminded me about the one about prostitutes and drug dealers.

 

[tealsphynx]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed
down
to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision,
they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after
partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached
her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay
you or
Jack off."


"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

 

[Marquis]

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed
down
to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision,
they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the
first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after
partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached
her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay
you or
Jack off."


"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

That's hilarious!

 

[shy slave]

Whats the difference between a bar room and a clit?







A man always finds the bar.

 

[graceanne]

Whats the difference between a bar room and a clit?







A man always finds the bar.

*snorts*

 

[graceanne]

My grandpa sent me these. My grandma, who's in the end stages of MS, made these up.

Grandma: "Do you know that tadpoles die as soon as they turn into frogs?"

Grandpa: "No, they don't."

Grandma: "Sure they do. They croak."



Grandma: "Frogs only tell exciting stories. They're ribeting."



Grandma: "Do you know what kind of music rabbits enjoy?"
Grandpa: "No."
Grandma: "Hip-hop."



This one was from my dad: Do you know why sex is dangerous for frogs?
They hop on, hop off, and croak.



Grandma and Grandpa were watching Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Cinderella" a few days ago when the song came on "The prince is giving a ball." Grandma said, "Now he only has one ball?"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Dear Blabby...

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

 

[Marquis]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. Thanks in advance.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been seeing someone else. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

LMAO!!!!

 

[bibphi]

.....

 

[ghosst_K&H]

An old man and his wife are sitting in front of the TV watching a televangelist preach. The Preacher says to the audience..."For those of you here that need healing, stand up, raise your hands toward the heavens, and God's healing will shine down upon you..." He goes on to say..."For those of you not in attendance, and that are watching this miracle on TV, place one hand on the part of your body that needs healing, and the other on top of the TV set..."

The old man promptly stands up, and walks over to the TV, places one hand on his crotch, and the other onto the TV. His wife says to him, "Waldo, what do you think your doing?" He replies, "Trying to get healed, now shut up woman."

She starts laughing, and says..."He said heal the sick, not raise the dead, you jackass..."

 

[ghosst_K&H]

What do you call a Lesbian dinosaur?

A Lickalotofpus


What do you call a Gay dinosaur?

A Myassissaur