.

[Sir_Winston54]

A husband and wife were debating buying a new car. She wanted a fast sports car. He wanted a pickup. As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.

She told her husband, "Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!"

The husband bought her a bathroom scale.

(The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday.)

 

[Sir_Winston54]

While in Atlanta on vacation, Little Johnny's Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown. Two young families were also in line to the see the sites. Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line. "My name is Tommy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Johnny".
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?" asked Tommy.
Little Johnny replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Tommy.
Johnny replied, "No, just the regular kind."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

A Woman's View of Reincarnation:

In my next life -- I Want to be a Bear...

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup..... I wanna be a bear.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

After the flood, Noah sent the animals off the ark telling each couple to "go forth and multiply." Later, he came across two snakes. "I thought I told you to go forth and multiply."

One of the snakes replied, "We're sorry but we can't. You see... we're adders."

 

[Sir_Winston54]

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

Sorry - you've got to be a little bit of a sports fan to appreciate this one.

 

[astralkiss]

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably a basketball coach?"

Sorry - you've got to be a little bit of a sports fan to appreciate this one.

You're on a roll.

 

[SlyKitten]

A woman is on a plane and turbulences start. The turbulences get worse and everyone on the plane panics. Thinking the plane will crash, the woman freaks out and starts shouting, “I want to feel like a woman one more time! Anybody here can make me feel like a woman one last time?”

This hunk slowly stands up and looks her in the eye. He smiles at her and slowly starts unbuttoning his shirt. The woman get excited and cannot believe her luck; such a handsome man!

The man seductively slips his shirt off his broad shoulders and throws it to her saying, “Iron this, will you!”

 

[snowy ciara]

Jose was 90 years old, been rode hard and put away wet, lived a long full life, and now his life was coming to a close. Yes folks, our dear friend Jose was dying. He thought back over all the things he'd loved through his life, and one thing he really really really loved were his wife's tamales. Her tamales were famous all around town, known as the best in the world. As the life seeped out of his body, he thought of his wife's tamales and hoped that there'd be tamales in heaven and they'd use his wife's recipe. Just then, the smell of her lovely tamales drifted through the bedroom door. He gathered his waning strength, dragged himself from the bedroom, down the hall, and into the kitchen. There was his wife, seated at the table, surrounded by stacks of freshly made tamales. Wonder of wonders, she was starting on a new batch, right before his very eyes. As she lovingly spread masa on a corn husk, he reached for a tamale. She gave him a steely look, rapped his knuckles with a wooden spoon and said....


"No! Those are for the funeral!"

 

[AppleBiter]

A frog went into a bank to take out a loan. He strolled up to the bank president and announced his need. The bank president sent him back to the office of the loan officer, Patricia Whack.

The loan officer asked him if he had any collateral. He pulled out a tiny marble statue of a horse. The loan officer, taken aback, took the tiny marble horse from the frog and excused herself from the room. She took the item to the bank president and said, "What is this?"

The bank president replied, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan."

 

[Killishandra]

Some Science One-Liners

Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.023 E23



If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. (My favorite science joke of all time.)



186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.


*sits back and watches carefully to see who laughs with me* Private Label, where ya at? You're the only other microbiology person I know of in here.

 

[snowy ciara]

you're terrible Killi. Let me kiss you... (The first one took me a moment, but I got the second two.)

 

[canadiancutie]

Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.023 E23



If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. (My favorite science joke of all time.)



186,000 miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the law.


*sits back and watches carefully to see who laughs with me* Private Label, where ya at? You're the only other microbiology person I know of in here.

If I laugh will you write my bio final for me?

 

[Killishandra]

If I laugh will you write my bio final for me?

Nope. Unless it's on genetics. I love genetics like gracie loves chocolate and Aeroil loves cookies.

 

[Killishandra]

you're terrible Killi. Let me kiss you... (The first one took me a moment, but I got the second two.)

Snowy. You can kiss me anyday.

I need to get around to writing more in that positive vibes thread. I don't think I've mentioned you yet. You and your sweet personality, good sense of humor, and delicious flirting.

PS: What is your major again hun?

 

[canadiancutie]

Nope. Unless it's on genetics. I love genetics like gracie loves chocolate and Aeroil loves cookies.

darnit

 

[graceanne]

Nope. Unless it's on genetics. I love genetics like gracie loves chocolate and Aeroil loves cookies.

BLASPHEMER!

Genetic and chocolate are no were near eachother in the cool graph. They aren't even in the same town. Chocolate rules! MUHAHAHA

 

[canadiancutie]

BLASPHEMER!

Genetic and chocolate are no were near eachother in the cool graph. They aren't even in the same town. Chocolate rules! MUHAHAHA

you should try vegan chocolate

 

[rcuhljr]

Mole problems? Call Avogadro: 6.023 E23



If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. (My favorite science joke of all time.)

Ok those two kicked ass. Mole's freaking rock, they make everything work out.

 

[Killishandra]

Ok those two kicked ass. Mole's freaking rock, they make everything work out.

I aim to please.

 

[snowy ciara]

Snowy. You can kiss me anyday.

I need to get around to writing more in that positive vibes thread. I don't think I've mentioned you yet. You and your sweet personality, good sense of humor, and delicious flirting.

PS: What is your major again hun?

hanging a cleat over the camera lens by the heel and kissing on Killi

I sort of changed it. It was fitness/sports science, and then it was English Lit and now it's secondary education. I'll be able to teach English and P.E. someday,

 

[Marquis]

What's cute, bubbly and taps on the glass?


A baby in the microwave.







So a guy goes to see a doctor and the doc says "Unfortunately I have bad news and terrible news. Which would you like to hear first?"

The patient's heart sinks and says, "Ok doc, lay it on me. Give me the terrible news, I'm ready."

The doctor says "You have renal cancer. It's spread through both kidneys so unfortunately removal surgery is not an option. We can try different forms of therapy, but at this point I would say you have a few months to live, a year max."

The patient is stunnned. "Well, gosh doc, what's the bad news."

The doctor responds calmly. "You have alzheimer's disease"

The patient looks relieved. "Oh thank god, I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer!"

 

[Killishandra]

Don't hold this one against me, considering the thread.

What do you call a nigger who flies airplanes?


























A PILOT, you fucking racist!!!

 

[astralkiss]

What do you call a nigger who flies airplanes?


























A PILOT, you fucking racist!!!

I don't know why. But that made me LOL.

And before anyone gets cranky, consider the thread. Anyway, I'm mixed, so nyah.

 

[Killishandra]

I thought that joke (see above) was pretty hilarious when it was told to me... You gotta whisper the opening line while looking around carefully, making it seem as though you're going to tell a really bad racist joke (I guess use of the "N" word is racist already, though.) People tend to crowd in close, and say "I dunno... What?!" Then speak the punchline really loud while looking at them like they're discusting racists. Hi-la-ri-ous.

Hope I haven't offended anyone.