23·Dec·2005 · "Body Of Writing" · Tristesse

[The Poets]

Body Of Writing

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.


and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine
is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums
pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.​

 

[Man Ray]

I wish...

I wish I had the literary skill to write a review of this poem that would capture the erotic intensity and sensual power that shines from each musical line.

Alas that skill eludes me so all I can write is that I like this poem for its seductive sexual imagery and I hope that all the fans of Tristesse's poetry read it and leave positive, but hopefully more `intellectual`, comments!

 

[KR]

We are all poems in progress. This one expresses my conviction in longing, exquisite detail. I can suggest no improvements, only voice my disappointment that it had to end.

 

[wildsweetone]

Body Of Writing

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.


and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine
is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums
pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.​

Hi Tess, sorry i took so long to comment.

i like what you're saying with this poem. your word choice is great.

however, i don't like that there is little punctuation because it reads oddly to me without any.

i think that if you insert punctuation you might want to rewrite some of the poem as when i fiddled with a few periods, the words around the periods sounded a little weak.. i think some line endings could be stronger. and, i think you could remove some of the 'ing' words i.e. 'yearning', 'longing', perhaps 'willingly', 'urging', 'tracing'.

After 'skin' in line 2 should be a comma i think.

i hope some of this helps.

 

[BooMerengue]

Tris, this is one of the very few erotic pieces I really like. I agree with what WSO said, but I think it's the line breaks.

and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts

might be

and now my arms are covered
with yearning words and longing
my palms have psalms
as post scripts

Just a thought babe! I don't always like punctuating (is that a word?) but line breaks can (and should, imho) do that for you.

 

[Guest]

Copyright Tristesse

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.

and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine
is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums
pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.

I really like this Tess. It was sweet and sexy. I do agree that your poem would do better with punctuation as well as line breaking. It seemed squashed together and in areas, it was hard to read and understand. So, I just played with it below. I believe I have the punctuation right, but maybe someone else will come along and catch a boo-boo. Usually, the "ing" words bother me, but in this piece, I liked them.

Write me a poem on your skin.
He said. So that reading it
will be an act of love.


and now my arms are covered
with yearning words and longing.
My palms have psalms as post scripts,
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late.

My shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly.
My neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light.

Touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read,
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine,
where your name is cried out loud (taking out "is")
and often, so I won’t forget ("so" instead of "for")
but in ecstasy, you might.

Each buttock is studied smooth;
comfy conundrums, pillow-puzzles
with no answers supplied my
inner thighs.

Staves, where notes of love songs
are to be sung as duets, a cappella
with instructions on how to play
the melody penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
where my lips wait
the final movement;
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.

 

[The_Fool]

Punctuation - yes.

Change line breaks - no.

Strophes - maybe.

I am torn on whether to add the punctuation. I think by not having it, you allow the reader to read into the poem different meanings. Finding that which fits them best. The thing is, you are using your lines as breaks, which act as periods. If your thoughts cross multiple lines, then adding the puncuation would offer the reader an indicator as to the flow of thoughts.


Stophes offer a visual indication of a major change in thought. Sometimes. The thing is, sometimes breaking a poem up into smaller bites allows the reader to better ingest a poem. But what if there is no major break in thought? What if it is one continuous soliliquoy?

Wordplay is very enjoyable. Metaphors are quite tasty. Subject is slightly racy, but I like that....

Thanks PoeTess.

 

[Guest]

Thank you, everybody, for your kind words and ideas. I'm mulling.

 

[BooMerengue]

Thank you, everybody, for your kind words and ideas. I'm mulling.

Your Av makes my my nose twitch like Mary Poppins'. Makes me yearn for the days I didn't give a shit, and didn't need to. I want them back. I think thats whats wrong with me. I never meant to let them go- they just slid away. Now I want to slide after them. YDD liked them, too. I miss that person.

And I love who you are, Trissie. Happy New Year!

 

[average gina]

I adore this picture. I don't think you intended it to be the way I read it. Because of the short lines, I read it faster, and it took away some sensuality to me. Of course, that makes no absolute sense, but neither am I a pro. I think that the punctuation would force a person to slow down, but it would also make it static. On the other hand, the intelligent poetry reader (did I mention that I'm not one of those people? Well, I'm not...) would understand how to mentally break this poem.

Love the beginning:

and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly


but does it not feel differently when broken like this?

and now my arms are covered with yearning words
and longing my palms have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me too late
my shoulders bear the print of care and burdens borne willingly

I would not change a word. Lovely picture...

 

[WickedEve]

I read this poem after it was first posted here, and this line still bothers me: and longing my palms. I need a comma or a line break between longing and palms.

"comfy conundrums" The comfy makes it almost too cute for the rest of the poem.

It's truly an excellent poem.

 

[twelveoone]

Body Of Writing

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.


and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine
is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums
pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.​

As is, excellent, with problems. All suggestions point to it. I like the no punctuation route, and for the most part the logic in your line breaks.

as some suggestions, change "buttock" to "cheek" or explain to me why the choice, (my thought, go for four instead of two) I would think about all the "but's" and "as's "also. Take them all out and either replace with other words or reinsert them where they make sense to you. Unless of course that is what you want.


suggest moving "conundrums" closer to "deep bass beat" as a visual reinforcement.

this is a real problem area:

with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly

and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts

it is tripping people, not causing them to linger in a meaningful way

and here you are reinforcing a weakness, and then causing them linger in a meaningless way
post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me

I like the purr in occurred

Let's try a rewrite:

with yearning words my palms long
with psalms as scripted posts
after thoughts occurred in print
on shoulders bourne carefully
urging you
( here you can consider a break)
to continue...

This is just a rearrangement ...(you can do better) to suggest 1, 000 possiblities of ambiguous actions. Empson, Empson, I think that is what you are trying for.

I would also reconsider the intro, the title says it.

I think this, as is, is an excellent idea, but far from the monster it can and should be. Best of luck with it.

 

[Vampiric_Mirage]

Due to the holidays, I'm a bit late on reading this, but I still felt the need to add my two cents. First of all, when I read this I could see it, clearly. Imagine this happening between two lovers, and I sorely wished I was one of them. The language and imagery are astoundingly beautiful.

Although I'm not a great critic, for this my only comment is don't you dare change a single word! This is a masterpiece as it is. I also think that adding punctuation would detract from the poem. Possibly change the structure of the lines, if you feel it's necessary, but I don't think it needs anything more. An erotic and creative poem that is perfect in it's rustic structure.

Happy New Year, may all your poems be as exquisite as this one

 

[Guest]

I agree it needs to be broken into strophes but there are one or two places where that ruins the play on words. I agree with 1201 and Wicked Eve's opinion on the words they takes issue with and am workking on that.

I want to thank everyone who took the trouble to read, consider and make suggestions. I appreciate it very much and you've all helped.

I'll post my re-hashed poem here soon.

 

[flyguy69]

You've had some really good suggestions, Tristesse. I think this poem has great potential.

I like the single-strophe format. As Fool said: it is a single idea, and I like the way running it together evokes a pen (or a hand) running over the curve of your body. It might be interesting to play with the text layout a bit.

I like the isolated intro because it flows so well into the rest of the poem.

I dislike the metaphoric shift from writing to music at the end. Spoken language might work, and is even introduced with the whispered tales and out loud cries, but the shift to playing an instrument feels too dramatic and weakens the initial metaphor by abandonment.

Keep the sexual edge. It quickly sets readers afire, but stalls when it gets into puzzle solving, etc.

The instigator of the poem is "he" in the intro, but becomes "you" in the body. I'm not sure which i like better because they invite readers into the poem differently, but think they should be consistent.

I like the alliterative language-- it is a fun poem to read aloud!
And believe me, I have.

Here are some line-by-line thoughts:

QUOTE=The Poets]

Body Of Writing

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said. <-- "said" is an awfully weak word, here.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.


and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms <-- I'm not sure how arms get covered with "longing," and i agree it needs a break before the palms come in.
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me <-- "to me" unnecessary, and you mention the delay three times ("post," "after," "late")
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words <-- very nice image!
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words <-- This is the third occurance of "words"
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine
is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might <-- Clever!
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums <-- What Eve said
pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are <-- perhaps "lyrics," to keep the language theme.
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions <-- If you keep it, "a cappella" italicised
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat. <-- On your lips? Or your lovers?
​

[/QUOTE]

Good luck.

 

[twelveoone]

My previous post bothered me - so every one understands. You don't need my input to garner an "H" or even help as to what can be publishable. What I see in this, and some of your other material is the potential for something beyond, great, if you will. I see this as being more impressionist, less "defined" I began to think of taking more to Stéphane Mallarmé's poem L'Après-midi d'un faune, I also thought of Lauren Hyde's Osaka (the "W" and "O" sounds), pls take a look.

You can always write two poems. Best of luck with it.

 

[Angeline]

Body Of Writing

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.


and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine
is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums
pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.​

Overall: A beautiful piece of erotic writing, powerful because you've created (to me) a wonderful tension between the strongly erotic theme and the delicacy of your descriptive language. I love the title, btw--it's perfect for what follows.

The big issues for revisions are whether you need to break this into strophes and whether you need to punctuate. A lot of what works in your poem is the breathless quality that is imposed on the reader by the lack of strophes. Having said that, I do think there are a few natural pauses in the poem. If you broke it at those points I think it would strengthen it overall.

My gut reaction is you should not punctuate this piece for two reasons. First, my point about the pace of the poem: the structure forces the reader to keep going forward without pause; that's a strength. Where do you most want the reader to pause? My guess is only in a few places. I'd keep it at that. Second, once you begin to punctuate you're sort of dealing with a monster that can overtake the poem, if you know what I mean. To wit: you put in a comma here, why shouldn't you have a period there? And maybe another comma somewhere else and before you know it your pace has become too studied, too measured for your theme. Arguably there are a few places that cry out for punctuation, but if you limit yourself to one or two commas or whatever you choose, they'll stick out like sore thumbs. Better--I think--to break into strophes at those points.

Specifically:

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.

I love this beginning, and the italics make it clear that someone else is saying it to you. Personally, I'd delete the "He said" because it's a) implied and b) breaking the pace of "his" imperative to the narrator.

Also note that there are a few pronoun shifts between this intro and the poem that follows. Who is doing the writing? Him or you? That needs to be resolved. The easiest fix would be something like "We'll write a poem on your skin so that reading it will be an act of love," but that's lol ugh, isn't it? I'd leave it as is (sans the "He said"), and recast the few shifts in the poem that suggest it is you, not him, doing the writing.

and now my arms are covered

Do you want to cap the first "and"? It seems off to me to have the grammatically correct (vis-a-vis capping and period) intro immediately followed by a lowercase. Maybe it's just me.

with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts

Merriam-Webster spells "postscript" solid

after-thoughts that occurred to me

M-W also says "afterthought." If I'm Americanizing your words, just ignore me

too late my shoulders bear the print

"too late" for what? Not sure that phrase is adding anything...

of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing

I'm liking the thought of a strophe break here. What do you think?

the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read

"wanton" seems too strong for "minute" and "too small." I can't think of a substitute off the top of my head, but I think a more understated way of saying that would work better

but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine

I think this might read more smoothly if you said "but whispered as you gasp/along my spine your name/is cried aloud and often/I won't forget in ecstacy" and then a strophe break

is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums

I don't like "buttock" because it doesn't seem to work with the tone of the poem, but I'm not sure how else you'd put it. Cheek? No! Asscheek? Oy? There's gotta be another way. Also I'm with Eve on "comfy cunundrums." It's too cute for the tone. Maybe "Each buttock a studied conundrum/pillow-puzzle with no answer"

pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets

"are to be" shifts the verb tense from past. I think the easiest way around it might be: "where notes of love songs/were sung a cappella/duets with instructions"

a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder

Here the verb tense shifts again. You could say "penned on my pubis/words of wonder drawn/from my lips/in the final movement"

from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.

So if you made all these revisions, you'd have:

Specifically:

Write me a poem
on your skin so that reading it
will be an act of love.


And now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as postscripts
afterthoughts that occurred to me
my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing

the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
along my spine your name
is cried aloud and often

for I won’t forget
each buttock a studied conumdrum
pillow-puzzle with no answer
supplied my inner thighs staves
where notes of love songs
were sung a cappella
duets with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
words of wonder drawn
from my lips in the final
movement a largo
with a solid deep
bass beat.

***************************

Um, I made a few more tiny changes after I read the whole thing just now. See what you think. If any of this helps, I'm glad, but whether you change a word or not it's a marvelous poem.

 

[twelveoone]

[

Specifically:

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.

I love this beginning, and the italics make it clear that someone else is saying it to you. Personally, I'd delete the "He said" because it's a) implied and b) breaking the pace of "his" imperative to the narrator.

I don't, it is delinating the poem, taking it out adds emphasis to the title, and makes the possibilies greater. As is, I think of magic markers, Goldie Hawn from Laugh-In with "Bite Me" painted on her chest, or her buttocks.
Body of writing without it has so much more play, believe it would be stronger written more as the body is the writing, less as writing on a body.

Glad to see you agree with me on "buttock" - tail?

 

[Angeline]

I don't, it is delinating the poem, taking it out adds emphasis to the title, and makes the possibilies greater. As is, I think of magic markers, Goldie Hawn from Laugh-In with "Bite Me" painted on her chest, or her buttocks.
Body of writing without it has so much more play, believe it would be stronger written more as the body is the writing, less as writing on a body.

Glad to see you agree with me on "buttock" - tail?

Well not everyone remembers Goldie Hawn's go-go days on Laugh-In (though I obviously do).

I think the poem works with or without the intro, myself, but I know we agree to disagree here and the poet is, of course, the final arbiter of what changes will be made. Lots of poems have introductions that explain what follows. The Canterbury Tales has a prologue. Songs have introductions (I'm thinking of a lot of jazz standards I listen to where the explanatory intro is called the "burden," which you might agree with lol) that I really like.

Maybe poetry is different (and, yes, maybe The Canterbury Tales is not the best example, but it came to mind). I know many people think poetry needs to be something of a mystery, or at least ambiguous, to be effective. Sometimes I agree with that, sometimes not. Sometimes straightforward is good. Is straightforward not poetry? I really don't know.

I also don't know what Tess might use instead of "buttock," but I'm pretty sure it can't be a one-word fix--at least not any of the terms I can conjure.

 

[Guest]

I am absorbing all your ideas and suggestions and, as Ange said she is doing, I'll let this poem rest for a bit before I shake it up. I'll be back with the results in time.

My thanks to you all.

 

[Guest]

Here is what evolved. Punctuation added, "comfy" dropped, a few lines juggled and a few added.


I enjoyed this exersize very much. Thank you all and please let me know if you see any more weaknesses.


Body Of Writing

Let us write a poem,
he said, on your skin.
Reading it
will be an act of love


and now she bares her arms
that he may see their yearning
words of longing, Held out,
her palms have psalms as scripts,
afterthoughts that occurred to her too late.
Her naked shoulders, imprinted
with care and burdens borne willingly,
her neck is sinuous with words
urging his light touch on
to trace her ears and the intemperate
tales writ there in minute script
too small to read but whispered
as he gasps in her arms.
Along her spine is where
his name is cried out loud
and often for in ecstasy he might
forget but she will not.
Her cheeks are studied smooth
pillow-puzzles with no solution
the smooth of her inner thigh
is parchment for his staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on her pubis
drawing words of wonder
from her lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.

 

[Elisabet]

now that's what I'm talking about...

: Deep breath: warning This will be a total change from the intellectual poems offered of late.

Body Of Writing

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.


and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine
is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums
pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.

When I look for erotic poetry, I am always after something that seems whispered, rather than shouted.

This piece entices the reader...while supplying enough detail to not be frustratingly vague.

Seduction in words...nicely done.

 

[Guest]

When I look for erotic poetry, I am always after something that seems whispered, rather than shouted.

This piece entices the reader...while supplying enough detail to not be frustratingly vague.

Seduction in words...nicely done.

You have disconnected PMs or I'd have thanked you there.......

Thank you, Elisabet. The final - may be - version is here . You can also read all the good advice I got.

 

[3000Roses]

REally good, I'm impressed

When I look for erotic poetry, I am always after something that seems whispered, rather than shouted.

This piece entices the reader...while supplying enough detail to not be frustratingly vague.

Seduction in words...nicely done.

Excellent poem, I'm delighted to find such quality. I'm new here and wasn't sure what I would encounter. Kudos!

 

[3000Roses]

oops I posted my response at the wrong place?

: Deep breath: warning This will be a total change from the intellectual poems offered of late.

Body Of Writing

Write me a poem
on your skin. He said.
So that reading it
will be an act of love.


and now my arms are covered
with yearning words
and longing my palms
have psalms as post scripts
after-thoughts that occurred to me
too late my shoulders bear the print
of care and burdens borne willingly
my neck is sinuous with words
urging you to continue tracing
the script with your light
touch my ears where minute words
tell wanton tales too small to read
but whispered as you gasp
in my arms along my spine
is where your name is cried out loud
and often for I won’t forget
but in ecstasy you might
each buttock is studied smooth
comfy conundrums
pillow-puzzles with no answers
supplied my inner thighs are staves
where notes of love songs are
to be sung as duets
a cappella with instructions
on how to play the melody
penned on my pubis
drawing words of wonder
from my lips where
waits the final movement
a largo with a solid
deep bass beat.

This is a beautiful, well-crafted poem. I enjoy it repeatedly...I'll look for your stuff.
cheers