Writing sample for review.

[Five_Inch_Heels]

I'm trying something but I don't know if it's working. It seems to be to me, but maybe another set of eyes?

I've tried to maintain this throughout, and I really don't want to go back over a few thousand words and change it all.


-----

I pull his hands to my breasts and encourage his grasp to feel and knead them

I turn around and back into him, pulling his arms around me from behind, then guide one hand down my belly to my pussy. His cock is raging now, pushing into my ass from behind.

“Well, Kyle, you seem to be enjoying my naked body, maybe I should see yours now.”

I turn back to him and pull his shirt over his head. I look him in the eye as I unzip his pants and lower them and his boxers. I’m more than a little impressed by his overall physique and resemblance to my own brother. I run my hands over his abs and sides, then down his thighs, ignoring the rather nicely sized cock that is throbbing in front of me.

“Mmm, you’ve been working out some”.

“My son is a bit of an athlete and that’s part so what got him into college.”

“He’s got a bit of a cock on him too.”

I take in my hands and begin working it before I kiss the head of it. I look up into his eyes as I lick the head and take it between my bright red lips, then let it out, leaving a trail of glistening lip color.

“Do you like to see a woman’s lipstick on your cock Kyle?”

All he’s able to do is moan and nod his head.

I take him in my mouth again and begin to give him the best blow job he may have ever had teasing and squeezing his tight balls. I back off before he loses control.

I lay back on the same settee where his mother had licked me the day before and open my legs. I grasp his cock and lead it to my opening.

“Go ahead Kyle, push your cock into me.”

He does as he’s asked and does it quite well too, Clearly not his first time as I had suspected. The guy pumps in and out like a pro, almost surprising me with his skill and brings me to the orgasm his mother’s secretary had promised.. Not done, he keeps pounding like a jackhammer, driving in and out of my cunt like a madman.



-----


Don't worry about the rest of the setup. It's long and complicated.


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[ElectricBlue]

I'm trying something but I don't know if it's working. It seems to be to me, but maybe another set of eyes?

I've tried to maintain this throughout, and I really don't want to go back over a few thousand words and change it all.

What are you trying to do? Maintain what?

 

[Five_Inch_Heels]

Does it read OK?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Does it read OK?

Too wham bam thank you ma'am for my liking. It's very mechanical.

There are sentences that make no sense:

ignoring the rather nicely sized cock that is throbbing in front of me.

The character isn't ignoring it, because they've just described exactly what's going on, so they're paying attention.

These three lines of dialogue are confusing:

“Mmm, you’ve been working out some”.

“My son is a bit of an athlete and that’s part so what got him into college.”

“He’s got a bit of a cock on him too.”

The format implies a conversation, but after reading it twice, I think it's her monologue. If I need to read something twice, the writing isn't clear.

There are more nits like that, plus words missing, which suggests a need for tighter editing.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I found myself wanting to skim after the first couple of paragraphs. I agree with EB about the "mechanical," at least in the first few paragraphs that I read carefully.

I wonder if you've done yourself a disservice by presenting this snippet in isolation. I think you're trying to write a very in-the-moment thing. I haven't done that as a writer, but what I've noticed as a reader is that this works best after the author has built up all the context in my head so that I can easily (effortlessly, really) interpret what I'm reading. The text can't slow down to explain things, so the reader has to get them immediately.

People might be able to give more actionable feedback if you say what you're trying to do.