1st story feedback appreciated

[nuauthor]

Let the Games Begin is my first attempt at erotic literature and I am interested in receiving feedback.

click below to view:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=69841


Thanks for taking the time to help out a newbie.

 

[kristydoll]

Wonderful story!

Aside from a few minor glitches, you did very well *smiles*. My only real suggestion would have been to write this story in the 'past' tense. (There were a couple spots where you did stray from the present to past tense).

Again, very well done - congratulations

kristy

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First: Technical Foul: you had Mark put the vibrator in her ass first and then into her vagina. Not allowed. This is how she gets infections.

Now:
Jesus Christ! This is so amazingly close to something I would have written that I just can't believe it! Okay, I would have done some things differently, but these are minor. But everything I would have done is there: Very sensual, involving sight, sensation, smell; a lot of description of body attitudes and facial expressions; description of subjective states, even the mild bondage. I was reading this and it was just unccanny. Does the world have room for this much genius?

You've written before. I imagine you've written erotica before. I'd like to know something about you and where you learned. Did you have a collection of those one-hander paperbacks as well? That's the only place I see "manhood" used.

Really, it's incredible. The thing about the lube being cold: I would have said that. The thing about his sudden feelings of love for her when he realizes she's going to let him have her ass: I would have done that. I'd wreally be honored if you would have a look at something short I've done and tell me what you think of it. It would be interesting.

My very very minor objections are: when you refer to "furry" balls, it makes me think of Chia balls, and you talk about him feeling the vibrator "penetrating" the thin wall of tissue between her rectum and vagina, when I know you meant that he felt the vibrations.

Other than that, I think it's great. Almost as good as an original Mabeuse

---dr.M.

 

[nuauthor]

WOW! Dr_Mabeuse,

I am truly honored; especially when it is coming from someone who is really experienced. Thank you.

No. Honestly, I have not written any other pieces. In fact, I haven't written anything since a 9th grade english class, nor do I have any 'paperbacks' with which I may find inspriation.

My story came from desire. Over the last couple of years my husbands job has taken him further and further away......I began writing to him so that his desire was heightened and his occassional time with me alone (after kids, paperwork, etc.) was not (for lack of a better term) less than inspiring.

He is the one who convinced me to post here.

BTW.......I would love to read your stories.......are they posted here? Fill me in....(no pun intended)

nuauthor4u@hotmail.com

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Whoaaaaa, this was so very very good. You've done an excellent job. There were a few missing words but easily overlooked as the story draws you in so deeply. This is exactly how I wished I could write. Please keep writng and posting.
Wicked

My Stories

 

[KimIsBored]

My keyboard/mouse are very sticky and it got me off. So yeah I loved it.

 

[PaulX35]

Not bad for a first!

Nuauthor

If you send your hubby stuff like this, I'd want to see him when he returns home

Excellent debut, I would say. With - like dr.M. already said - the proper degree of tease and imagination to keep the story moving fast and in an exciting way.
I liked the way intended seduction gradually moved into more of a D/s context. The struggle was hot reading, and I found the way you wrote down Deb's response to it entirely convincing.

So, basically all I can say in summary is: when can we see your next story?

Good luck with the good work!

Paul