18 years old, interested in BDSM

[thoughtflare]

To give you all a little back story I am an 18 year old female top heavy switch, from a medium sized, overly religious city. I lost my virginity at about 15 (I know, a bit too young) and have known I was interested in BDSM from about the same time I hit puberty. 17 is the age of consent where I live and I have been in an active D/S relationship with someone a couple years older about a year now. I'm very interested in getting involved with the local community, out of desire to meet like minded people who would accept me for my personal life. However, I greatly fear being told I am far too young or not being taken seriously. Essentially, I am afraid of being told I don't know what I want or being called a child. Opinions and or advice would be immensely helpful to me.

 

[twister947]

Not to be snarky, but you are a child. This will become apparent when you have an 18 year old daughter of your own.

That said, I understand. Really. Good luck, and I'm sure someone will come along with something more helpful to offer.

 

[LittleSparks]

thoughtflare,

Hi there. I am also a young BDSMer (22). I don't have much to contribute with regard to your question, since I do not and have no desire to participate in the local community (I am owned and master and I are very private). However, I do hope you'll reach out if you have any concerns or would simply like to have a chat. Also, I'd like to add that this is a really great forum, and the regulars are friendly and level-headed as well. There should be someone around who is able to give you some good advice/ useful information.

Cheers!

Just a quick edit here to add that the "good advice" given on this forum is not always what one wants to hear, but can often be what one needs to hear

 

[Ropebunny]

You sound like you know what want, and the implications of that. I am not part of my local BDSM community, so I really don't know what other peoples perceptions of younger kinksters are.

If I was you though, I would ask myself why it is that I feel afraid of the possible reactions of others, on discovering your age.

I made the different (albeit somewhat similar) decision a few years ago to join a group, of which I was initially afraid of for the same reasons: I felt too young, and as though I'd be looked down on for my youth. I felt the fear but did it anyway (more for my son than myself) and now, three years on, none of the fears that I'd had ever eventuated.

I think when you are younger and haven't experienced friendship outside of same-age peers it's easy to forget that people in their mid-twenties and up have had years of experience working and socialising with people of all ages.

Best advice, as always - just be yourself. Plus, the best way to be taken seriously in anything you do is to pitch in and be there. If you say you'll attend an event, be there. If someone needs a hand (not that kind of hand!) offer to help out. Be friendly and personable and people will find it hard to fault you, kinky or no.




P.S Welcome! Hope you decide to stick around, the more literate young kinksters around here the better.

 

[Netzach]

Look for TNG groups and peer groups, and grow a thick skin, because people will say all sorts of dumb stuff based on their comfort levels. You're a grown up in all the states now, so that's their issue. Rise above it. You have the same experience gathering to do that the rest of us did, but that doesn't mean you can't possibly know what you want and just as importantly what you do not want.

Find the people who you have stuff in common with regardless of their age (I had 40ish friends who definitely resided on my planet when I was 23 and new to this, but only a few)

You're a woman in the SM community- so that thick skin stuff, I can't recommend it enough. Things will be said to you that will leave your jaw hanging open in disbelief. We all have to show up and call it out to change it, if you show up you are making it more ok for "another you" to show up.

That said you will meet some fine people and non-assholes, in all likelihood. If your locale sucks balls repeatedly, try to hit a larger regional get together. Strangely, the larger events in my experience have tended to have less sexist ageist dumbass factor and be more welcoming.

 

[bad_dave]

18 year olds are legally adults.

 

[Middlemist]

Hi, I'm also fairly young, 20 to be exact. I wouldn't worry so much about your age. I've noticed most doms actually prefer younger girls. It gives them a greater sense of power when they're degrading your tiny body. Plus girls around this age still show a lot of innocence despite how headstrong you present yourself.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Not to be snarky, but you are a child. This will become apparent when you have an 18 year old daughter of your own.

That said, I understand. Really. Good luck, and I'm sure someone will come along with something more helpful to offer.

Legally, in all 50 states and all English-speaking countries of which I am aware, thoughtflare is NOT a child. She is young, but she is an adult. From the level of exposition in her post, including its organization , as a former high school and community college teacher, I would assess her *intellectual maturity* as substantively above the average for 18-year-olds of either gender in this country (U.S.). Your response *was* snarky. Just because you're older (and as a DWM {your profile}), and quite possibly have a teenage daughter for whom you fear, doesn't mean you're entitled to tell her she's a child. You owe her an apology.

To give you all a little back story I am an 18 year old female top heavy switch, from a medium sized, overly religious city. I lost my virginity at about 15 (I know, a bit too young) and have known I was interested in BDSM from about the same time I hit puberty. 17 is the age of consent where I live and I have been in an active D/S relationship with someone a couple years older about a year now. I'm very interested in getting involved with the local community, out of desire to meet like minded people who would accept me for my personal life. However, I greatly fear being told I am far too young or not being taken seriously. Essentially, I am afraid of being told I don't know what I want or being called a child. Opinions and or advice would be immensely helpful to me.

And now on to the meat

Depending on your local/regional BDSM community(ies), you may run into people who will, at first glance, feel you are too young, not take you seriously, feel you don't know what you want, etc., etc., etc. Check out Netz's advice (two quotes down from here). She's very experienced and knowledgeable. TNG and peer groups are the "coming thing" (or arrived thing in some areas!), and have proven helpful and educational to many who, like yourself, have determined that WIITWD is what *you* want in your life. Fetlife.com (free site, reputable and WIDE-spread) has lots of information about groups across the country and the world.

thoughtflare,

Hi there. I am also a young BDSMer (22). I don't have much to contribute with regard to your question, since I do not and have no desire to participate in the local community (I am owned and master and I are very private). However, I do hope you'll reach out if you have any concerns or would simply like to have a chat. Also, I'd like to add that this is a really great forum, and the regulars are friendly and level-headed as well. There should be someone around who is able to give you some good advice/ useful information.

Cheers!

Just a quick edit here to add that the "good advice" given on this forum is not always what one wants to hear, but can often be what one needs to hear

QFT

Look for TNG groups and peer groups, and grow a thick skin, because people will say all sorts of dumb stuff based on their comfort levels. You're a grown up in all the states now, so that's their issue. Rise above it. You have the same experience gathering to do that the rest of us did, but that doesn't mean you can't possibly know what you want and just as importantly what you do not want.

Find the people who you have stuff in common with regardless of their age (I had 40ish friends who definitely resided on my planet when I was 23 and new to this, but only a few)

You're a woman in the SM community- so that thick skin stuff, I can't recommend it enough. Things will be said to you that will leave your jaw hanging open in disbelief. We all have to show up and call it out to change it, if you show up you are making it more ok for "another you" to show up.

That said you will meet some fine people and non-assholes, in all likelihood. If your locale sucks balls repeatedly, try to hit a larger regional get together. Strangely, the larger events in my experience have tended to have less sexist ageist dumbass factor and be more welcoming.

You sound like you know what want, and the implications of that. I am not part of my local BDSM community, so I really don't know what other peoples perceptions of younger kinksters are.

If I was you though, I would ask myself why it is that I feel afraid of the possible reactions of others, on discovering your age.

I made the different (albeit somewhat similar) decision a few years ago to join a group, of which I was initially afraid of for the same reasons: I felt too young, and as though I'd be looked down on for my youth. I felt the fear but did it anyway (more for my son than myself) and now, three years on, none of the fears that I'd had ever eventuated.

I think when you are younger and haven't experienced friendship outside of same-age peers it's easy to forget that people in their mid-twenties and up have had years of experience working and socialising with people of all ages.

Best advice, as always - just be yourself. Plus, the best way to be taken seriously in anything you do is to pitch in and be there. If you say you'll attend an event, be there. If someone needs a hand (not that kind of hand!) offer to help out. Be friendly and personable and people will find it hard to fault you, kinky or no.

P.S Welcome! Hope you decide to stick around, the more literate young kinksters around here the better.

Getting involved in a group's activities, and helping to make those activities successful, is a GREAT way to let everyone know you're serious, involved, and mature. From thence, all good things flow.

Welcome.

 

[NikiCole]

Welcome! A lot of what was posted here is great sound advice. I just recently gathered the courage to connect with the local kinksters in my area. I joined Fetlife, and it gave me an oppurtunity to meet people. I went to my first Munch. And talk about a mix of people. I believe the oldest was in his 60s and the youngest was a sweet young man , maybe 19 or 20. Yes, some thought he was a child, but he held his own by being himself, and showing he was quite confident in what he wanted.

Best thing to do, is take the first step. It leads to a lot more.

 

[thoughtflare]

Thank you

I'd actually like to thank everyone for their responses, good and bad as I was asking for honesty. You have all been immensely helpful and I appreciate it.

 

[twister947]

Legally, in all 50 states and all English-speaking countries of which I am aware, thoughtflare is NOT a child. She is young, but she is an adult. From the level of exposition in her post, including its organization , as a former high school and community college teacher, I would assess her *intellectual maturity* as substantively above the average for 18-year-olds of either gender in this country (U.S.). Your response *was* snarky. Just because you're older (and as a DWM {your profile}, and quite possibly have a teenage daughter for whom you fear, doesn't mean you're entitled to tell her she's a child. You owe her an apology.

In that case, I apoligize. My response was offered in good humor, but maybe that wasn't clear.

I am, of course, aware of the legal definition of "adult", but thank you for stating the obvious.

 

[RuReal]

Not to be snarky, but you are a child. This will become apparent when you have an 18 year old daughter of your own.

That said, I understand. Really. Good luck, and I'm sure someone will come along with something more helpful to offer.

Not to be snarky does not imply humor you were in fact being an ass not snarky and having kids or not means nothing in the context of the question posed!

To be blunt I do not like people who behave like this!

 

[Almontiago2]

Legally, in all 50 states and all English-speaking countries of which I am aware, thoughtflare is NOT a child. She is young, but she is an adult. From the level of exposition in her post, including its organization , as a former high school and community college teacher, I would assess her *intellectual maturity* as substantively above the average for 18-year-olds of either gender in this country (U.S.). Your response *was* snarky. Just because you're older (and as a DWM {your profile}, and quite possibly have a teenage daughter for whom you fear, doesn't mean you're entitled to tell her she's a child. You owe her an apology.

In that case, I apoligize. My response was offered in good humor, but maybe that wasn't clear.

I am, of course, aware of the legal definition of "adult", but thank you for stating the obvious.

I understood your joke. I'm actually 34, but an 18 year old just makes me feel old and ancient. When I was your age I had to use DIAL-UP to find BSDM people! (shakes cane in air)

Personally, I too have been interested in BSDM since about 16 and always found it intriguing. I haven't actually participated in any real-life BSDM (except once I tied up my girlfriend while we had sex and she thought I was creepy and weird for it) but I enjoy the online community. The only advice I can give (since I'm more of a lurker) is make sure you have absolute trust in your partner's ability to respect your limits. Going too far (and not knowing how far is too far) can be very dangerous.

Happy hunting.

 

[Loverskitten]

Unbunch those panties people

Not to be snarky does not imply humor you were in fact being an ass not snarky and having kids or not means nothing in the context of the question posed!

To be blunt I do not like people who behave like this!

Y'all are making too much of his statement. He only meant that as the parent of an 18 year old, one can see the immaturity of 18 easily. I can relate I have one too. But we also can't imagine our kids here or having sex, or interested in BDSM. We're parents, can't help it.

I'm sure he just meant an 18 year old has much growing to do (I think I have growing to do too and I'm old)
However, the OP seems mature and (yes!) literate, something we don't always see in posts with a similar title.

Listen to Netzach. Great advice there.

 

[twister947]

...He only meant that as the parent of an 18 year old, one can see the immaturity of 18 easily. I can relate I have one too. But we also can't imagine our kids here or having sex, or interested in BDSM. We're parents, can't help it.

I'm sure he just meant an 18 year old has much growing to do...

I wish I'd said that.

I have a stepson who is deep into his thirties. I also have a cat. On occasion, the cat exhibits more mature judgement than the stepson; it's more than a matter of law.

Again, I wish the OP well.

 

[celestialdragon]

As a young BDSMer myself (19), I've also been very fortunate to find Doms my age (my most recent Dom was 20).

Some Doms want you to be completely compliant, and don't care if you don't want certain things. A good Dom takes those things into account. Set the rules up front, and make sure you agree on all points. Maybe there's something that he wants to try but you don't think you're ready. Many Doms are very understanding if you have certain circumstances and try to work towards that. For instance, my favorite Dom wasn't a virgin, but I was. He had talked to me about sex, but I didn't feel ready, and he understood that and didn't take me until I thought I was ready. Teasing the hell outta me though? No problem.

Also, getting out and expressing what you want in this sort of relationship is good, but this also requires a lot of trust. Make sure you trust the Dom that he knows what he's doing and that he won't harm you. The point is pleasure, not mentally scarring.

Good Luck!

 

[Primalex]

female top heavy switch

I don't get this. Any chance for punctuation?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I wish I'd said that.

I have a stepson who is deep into his thirties. I also have a cat. On occasion, the cat exhibits more mature judgement than the stepson; it's more than a matter of law.

Again, I wish the OP well.

All of this is so stupidly beside the point... It doesn't matter how mature OP is, what matters is that they know what they want and don't need to be denigrated for it.

I knew about my needs very young, like before puberty. And yes, I was immature as a teen, but that didn't mean I didn't know what I wanted. And yes, people told me I was too young to know-- but here I am in middle age and the fundamental things I knew about myself haven't changed. I've lived with some added grief, actually, by way of denial.

OP, you don't really need to worry about "the community" as a whole, you need to find the people you want to commune with.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... female top heavy switch ....

I don't get this. Any chance for punctuation?

*My* reading (ymmv, of course!) is

female
switch
leaning more toward/preferring the topping end of switch than the bottoming end of switch.

 

[Loverskitten]

*My* reading (ymmv, of course!) is

female
switch
leaning more toward/preferring the topping end of switch than the bottoming end of switch.

HAHAHAHA I thought it meant a female switch with big boobs. Boob brained I guess.

 

[IrisAlthea]

HAHAHAHA I thought it meant a female switch with big boobs. Boob brained I guess.

That's what I thought too.
It does make more sense his way.

 

[NikiCole]

HAHAHAHA I thought it meant a female switch with big boobs. Boob brained I guess.

That's what I thought too.
It does make more sense his way.

ok, so at least wasn't only me.

 

[Ahlam]

To give you all a little back story I am an 18 year old female top heavy switch, from a medium sized, overly religious city. I lost my virginity at about 15 (I know, a bit too young) and have known I was interested in BDSM from about the same time I hit puberty. 17 is the age of consent where I live and I have been in an active D/S relationship with someone a couple years older about a year now. I'm very interested in getting involved with the local community, out of desire to meet like minded people who would accept me for my personal life. However, I greatly fear being told I am far too young or not being taken seriously. Essentially, I am afraid of being told I don't know what I want or being called a child. Opinions and or advice would be immensely helpful to me.

Hello, Thoughtflare! I can empathize a little because I was young when I started with this stuff, too. It's cool that you know what you want, whatever your age may be. It seems like there will always be some jackasses who will find a reason to discredit you or not to take you seriously. Any excuse will do: You're too young, you're too old, you're too squishy, you're too pointy, your vagina is too smiley, your penmanship is too bubbly, etc. In my experience, I've found that the best way to overcome that crap (if you care to. There's always the "eff you and the horse you rode in on" option), is to be present and to be consistent. Show up to events. Always do what you say you're going to do. And stick around. Usually that will bore the jackasses and they will find someone else to bother.

 

[RuReal]

All of this is so stupidly beside the point... It doesn't matter how mature OP is, what matters is that they know what they want and don't need to be denigrated for it.

I knew about my needs very young, like before puberty. And yes, I was immature as a teen, but that didn't mean I didn't know what I wanted. And yes, people told me I was too young to know-- but here I am in middle age and the fundamental things I knew about myself haven't changed. I've lived with some added grief, actually, by way of denial.

OP, you don't really need to worry about "the community" as a whole, you need to find the people you want to commune with.

Bingo as most times Stella hit the nail on the head.

 

[SirVPL]

To give you all a little back story I am an 18 year old female top heavy switch, from a medium sized, overly religious city. I lost my virginity at about 15 (I know, a bit too young) and have known I was interested in BDSM from about the same time I hit puberty. 17 is the age of consent where I live and I have been in an active D/S relationship with someone a couple years older about a year now. I'm very interested in getting involved with the local community, out of desire to meet like minded people who would accept me for my personal life. However, I greatly fear being told I am far too young or not being taken seriously. Essentially, I am afraid of being told I don't know what I want or being called a child. Opinions and or advice would be immensely helpful to me.

There r gatherings called Munches. If u find a Dom/Domme or submissive in your area chances r they will know when one is coming up. U will get a time and date. Most munches u will have to b invited to.