Anyone out there who is into BDSM but your partner/spouse is NOT?

My husband is not at all interested, he thinks its all a bit silly and embarassing--so we can't even talk about it. I have offered to fulfill any fantasy he has, but I get no response. If any of you out there manage to combine BDSM and vanilla realtionships, how do you do it?

any one out there?

I am in the same boat. I pm'ed you.

any 1

pm'ed you again

Lady Emerald said:

My husband is not at all interested, he thinks its all a bit silly and embarassing--so we can't even talk about it. I have offered to fulfill any fantasy he has, but I get no response. If any of you out there manage to combine BDSM and vanilla realtionships, how do you do it?

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Hi Lady Emerald, I dug this up from awhile back. It's one of the best threads I can recall on this specific issue.

Advice Needed originally posted by bbw38c

You may want to run a search on her subsequent threads, she and her husband/Master are doing well, judging by the later posts. Hopefully she'll see this and pop in

~anelize

Re: any one out there?

erotic4play said:

I am in the same boat. I pm'ed you.

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Hey thanks for your input--looks like we have a few things in common--that's what is so great about these boards!! It seems like there is always someone who can relate. Lets keep in touch, and lets see what other responses come in on the board.

Hi Lady E.


The thread Anelize mentioned was/is quite good. I would not assume that it can apply to all. One reason mentioned by other posters was that someone cannot be made into something else--putting it very crudely, though folks do adapt (men in prison).

One point I haven't seen though is this: how do you know you're a 'sub' or a 'domme' --if so, what type? Do you think this is a fixed 'thing' (orientation) about you, like some say being straight or gay is? can you see this kinky tendency changing, metamorphosing (is that a word?).

My own experience here have been rather mixed, but more in the direction of 'you can't change someone' (to the kink of *your* choice).

J.

I have been wanting to ask the same question.
This information has helped out


thanks

Pure said:

Hi Lady E.


The thread Anelize mentioned was/is quite good. I would not assume that it can apply to all. One reason mentioned by other posters was that someone cannot be made into something else--

[SNIP]

J.

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I think what happened to the couple in the other thread is the exception to the rule, going by things I have read here (and my own personal experience).

Heck, I even convinced my husband to read The Loving Dominant but in the end he is still uncomfortable and thinks I'm nuts.

Lady Emerald:

I don't mean to come off as being so negitive. By all means try to communicate your needs to your husband. I hope you can work something out that is satisfying for both.

redelicious said:

I think what happened to the couple in the other thread is the exception to the rule, going by things I have read here (and my own personal experience).

Heck, I even convinced my husband to read The Loving Dominant but in the end he is still uncomfortable and thinks I'm nuts.

.

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Thanks for the input. of course the ideal scenario is that H becomes a dom. I doubt that happening in my case--if anything I think he would be sub, he is totally non assertive in bed. Right now I think I can live with my needs supressed, but sometimes they just rise up in me demanding to be recognised!

Lady Emerald said:

Thanks for the input. of course the ideal scenario is that H becomes a dom. I doubt that happening in my case--if anything I think he would be sub, he is totally non assertive in bed. Right now I think I can live with my needs supressed, but sometimes they just rise up in me demanding to be recognised!

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I can soo relate.

Good luck to you.

Lady Emerald said:

Thanks for the input. of course the ideal scenario is that H becomes a dom. I doubt that happening in my case--if anything I think he would be sub, he is totally non assertive in bed. Right now I think I can live with my needs supressed, but sometimes they just rise up in me demanding to be recognised!

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I'm in the same situation and know exactly how you feel also. What i'm finding now is that my needs are harder to supress and i still haven't figured out what to do about it.

Vinde said:

I'm in the same situation and know exactly how you feel also. What i'm finding now is that my needs are harder to supress and i still haven't figured out what to do about it.

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Hi Vinde--are you considering a relationship outside of your marriage, or have you any idea how you can resolve your situation?----I am wondering, pondering, and floundering myself.....

Same here also

I am also in the same situation. When I first discovered my submissive side he did try to understand and help. Now things are just vanilla I feel as if I have done something to turn him away from the lifestyle at times but he was never really interested. Self Bondage isn't exactly what I am looking for because there is more to my submissiveness than bondage though that is a part. I need to serve. I need to please. I need the lifestyle. There would never be a part of me that would consider going outside of my relationship to receive the things I need but at times I crave it so desperatly. I wish you and all the others in this situation the best of luck and I hope your have bondage dreams and submissive fantasies.

Well, if the spouse doesn't 'convert' --and you don't drop them and look for another--then you either:

give up the idea
sublimate it (write stories, etc.)
act it out**. (on the side).
{Added, note below:}


Men probably have it a little easier in the last case.

But it's appropriate to admit the the 'marriage of two souls' that is the be all and end all, and total sexual outlet for both, is not usually feasible. Americans and Brits can fuss and preach, but others like the French have (in some ways) a healthier approach.

Neither do the 'total honesty' and 'let it all hang out' folks have a monopoly on virtue, though it always sounds good on paper; the contrary view has much to it: every 'good'--adequate, working-- relationship is based on a number of concealments, if not deceptions (lines between passive and active become blurred.)

It's simply a waste of time to 'beat yourself up' over everything you don't tell your partner. And perhaps more a waste of time, i.e., futile, to look for a partner to whom everything, past, present and future will always be told. One has a right to privacy! "Confessions' are for shrinks and priests.

J.

**new option in our times: cyber-relationship only, or r.t. relationship (or some mix.).

***{Added: First I leave unspecified the degree of sexual r.l. contact, IF ANY, that may be involved. Nor am I going to deal, here, with the Bill Clinton problem of 'what is 'sex'?'.

Second, the list is simply a description of alternatives. Items on it, are NOT to be construed as pieces of advice. Comments on the merits or demerits of an item are NOT suggestions or pieces of advice directed towards any particular poster or reader of this thread.}

Pure said:

.

Neither do the 'total honesty' and 'let it all hang out' folks have a monopoly on virtue, though it always sounds good on paper; the contrary view has much to it: every 'good'--adequate, working-- relationship is based on a number of concealments, if not deceptions (lines between passive and active become blurred.)

It's simply a waste of time to 'beat yourself up' over everything you don't tell your partner. And perhaps more a waste of time, i.e., futile, to look for a partner to whom everything, past, present and future will always be told. One has a right to privacy! "Confessions' are for shrinks and priests.

J.

**new option in our times: cyber-relationship only, or r.t. relationship (or some mix.).

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Mmm, I think some here will vouch for the inadviseable dual lives through personal and painful experiences...and privacy, well that is usually understood not to mean you have open licence to be unfaithful in a marriage, and in a D/s relationship, is usually not on for the submissive to maintain....so yet another dilemma. Boundaries are so serviceable when understood and maintained approporiately.

C

I love my wife. Even though she isn;t into BDSM and probably never will be.. should I give up my otherwise happy marriage for this? Or should I oppress my darker desires for the rest of my life?

I prefer to find my fulfillment online, and try not to bother her with it too much...

Thanks for understanding, Pure.

Wolf

A must read...

Is it safe, sane, and consensual?

~anelize

I'm in the same situation for the most part, except that my hubby has been persuaded to play along to a degree. Problem is, he is more the submissive type when it comes to sex, and when he tries to play the dominant for me, he just can't pull it off very well. So I've given up hoping for something like that. On the rare occasions we do have sex anymore, it is pretty much "vanilla". *sigh*

Yes, Anelize, 'twas an excellent thread, with the redoubtable Francisco presenting very good, well reasoned points. Unfortunately--for some of the time-- the thread tried to tie honesty or faithfulness to the Safe Sane Consensual slogan, but a lot of issues were discussed by several 'substantial' posters, including myself. There was a fair degree of 'heat', which eventually cooled down and most parties are now on speaking terms or better

The effect of tying the issues together is to say that those whose spouses are unaware are not 'really' practicing proper BDSM. But some 'improper' or imperfect kind, I suppose ('inauthentic', I believe, was the word used).

Consider this analogy. One spouse, the woman, has a lesbian lover, unknown to the other spouse, her husband. Do we say: Lesbianism is by definition based on honesty towards all-- HENCE the woman is not practicing 'real' or 'proper' lesbianisn but some 'improper' or 'imperfect' (or 'inauthentic') form of it. No, that would be absurd.

The woman's character or morals can indeed be commented on, if that's what one wishes. But to say the fault lies in her imperfect version of lesbianism is ridiculous. She is practing as 'proper' a form of lesbianism (lesbian activity) as anyone else. To say otherwise would be to make it impossible to be, say, a bank robber and a lesbian, since the latter--by definition-- is an honest person.

Best,
J.

wolf2002 said:

I love my wife. Even though she isn;t into BDSM and probably never will be.. should I give up my otherwise happy marriage for this? Or should I oppress my darker desires for the rest of my life?

I prefer to find my fulfillment online, and try not to bother her with it too much...

Thanks for understanding, Pure.

Wolf

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Wolf, from what you have told us, you have been open with your SO about your online adventures (without details), and would not risk your marriage over it, which is not what Pure is advocating. He advocates infidelity as a fair and just response, but neglects in espousing this once again to a newcomer, to tell them he lost a marriage through his own infidelity. I think it only fair if you give advice to someone to do something that went badly for yourself, that you inform them so they do not blindly follow half informed advice believing it to be totally safe...thoiugh I question whoi in their right mond would, but it happens when people are looking for an out and into denial. I prefer to be upfront and open myself.

Catalina

catalina_francisco said:

I prefer to be upfront and open myself.

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Open and upfront is good, most of the time... I have had some moments of open- and upfrontness in my life that I'll regret till this day.

I am repeating myself again, so if you already have heard me rant about this just skip my post, but for those interested here is another one of my long boring ranting entries.

It is not for me to say to anyone what he/she should do with their life or how to act inside or outside their relationship. There are however some serious points which should be taken into consideration.

Besides the obvious moral issues which cheating brings with it, there are other considerations to take into account. Which by the way if anyone is interested in can all be backed up by data and scientific studies and have been quoted and fought over in the https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=182331 thread.

1) Cheating brings an additional risk of violence even death in the marriage especially for women.
2) The chance to have a successful relationship that has started with cheating is almost 0.
3) The chance of being able to successfully hide your extramarital affair indefinitely is almost non existent.

My personal opinion on this is a very clear and simple. You cheat fine go ahead, it is your life and your destiny you are destroying, of course don’t think that your partner will not find out and do not delude yourself into thinking you are doing it for him. When they find out they will be devastated, hurt and feel betrayed. It will be a long time before they will ever trust you, or anyone again, and these feelings of hurt and betrayal will often also be felt by children.

You are my friend and you are cheating, you will still be my friend but I will inform your partner. You are a prospect and want to be involved with us and you cheat, keep on walking not interested. My partner cheats on me, no second chances, no explanation necessary, have a nice life without me.

People make mistakes and. Persons grow during their life. Once a cheater is not always a cheater, but it would take a lot of convincing before I would trust a cheater.

If you are in a situation in which your needs are not being fulfilled and your partner can not fulfil them, your only real option is to work out some kind of solution together with your partner. Be that leaving the relationship or making it an open relationship, or trying to find an outlet on the internet, but do not do it behind your partner’s back, eventually it will backfire. And this applies in my opinion independently of sexual orientation or BDSM orientation.

Francisco.

NOTE: for the thousandth time: in making a posting I am not telling (or even suggesting) *anyone* to do or not do *anything.*


Catalina said,

//Wolf, from what you have told us, you have been open with your SO about your online adventures (without details), and would not risk your marriage over it, which is not what Pure is advocating. He advocates infidelity as a fair and just response, but neglects in espousing this once again to a newcomer, to tell them he lost a marriage through his own infidelity.//

Let's not get into personal 'characterization' again.

I am not here to "advocate" anything, i.e., to say to someone "Do or don't do this..."

I am not 'espousing" anything, in the sense of "This is an objective I believe is worth pursuing."

I am not saying, 'take my life as a moral example.'

Life is very complicated, Catalina: you can't take an event, and construct it as the 'explain all' for a life. I've had happiness as well as unhappiness, as have you: it's entirely problematic to say that that state is due to one act or it's exclusion.

If I may use an illustrative analogy: that's a bit like those interviews with people on their 100 birthday. The reporter says: How did you make it? One says: "I never 'drank', even one drop. " Another says, "I always had a glass of wine with every dinner." BOTH explanations may be entirely questionable.

I am NOT here--as it were-- to offer advice, simply to communicate. Personally I wish there were fewer advice givers, but I suppose they have their intended audience of 'advice seekers.'

Best,
J.

PS. Catalina, you may offer judgments as to the degree of 'success' of my life; or as to your life. You may offer hypotheses about my life, if that's your chosen mission. But take note that it's all beside the point: The advantages and disadvantages **for the person concerned** of any given action, whether you call it "cheating" or not, have to be assessed by that person. One single result, like my own, or yours proves nothing.

Likewise, statistics and objective facts that are 'true as a rule' have some relevance--e.g, those presented by Francisco. But these don't determine the merits or demerits of a particular action in a particular case.

.

Pure said:

Likewise, statistics and objective facts that are 'true as a rule' have some relevance--e.g, those presented by Francisco. But these don't determine the merits or demerits of a particular action in a particular case.

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Any action anyone makes should be based on the person's own belief system and it should be based on facts. Many times when faced with a huge dilemma as is discussed in the thread feelings take over. Decisions are based not on hard colds facts but on emotions and by wishful thinking logic.

I would not like to make the decision which some of the posters in the thread are facing. It is a very hard and gruesome thing to have to deal with. I am just saying know the facts and try to make the best decision you can. IMO the best thing you can do here is to be selfish, think about your own needs, combine that with honesty and do not take any unnecessary risk. When I started to learn and explore my own sexuality in BDSM I was involved in a vanilla relationship, I broke it off before I even had one single BDSM experience, but that is me and my decision.

The rest of your entry is a bit besides the point Pure. We all advocate our own points by communicating; communicating which is based on no opinion does not exist, we do all judge each other be it in the open, be in behind closed doors or only in our minds. Communication that is not based on anything is often described as hot air, and your entries can not be described as hot air. They are well versed and yes they have opinions and yes you are advocating something by it, be it subconsciously.

Although we can not take one fact or event out of someone’s life and construct a hypothesis around it, we use it to take a posting into the proper view. For example I have been cheated on, so my views have been coloured by it and it is quite relevant for someone reading my postings to know this information. If you read a book and want to know more about the motivation and the intention of the writer we often use facts out of the writer’s life. It is a matter of life that our views and opinions are coloured by what we have experienced. Although one single action does not prove anything about things in general it does give relevant information about someone’s opinions and thought patterns.

Francisco.