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Cybering while in a committed relationship.

Bobmi357

Bobmi357

Knit one, Perl two...
Joined
Mar 6, 2003
Posts
2,529
This is kind of an offshoot of post which originally started the movement towards the HT Cafe.

What is your opinion concerning cybering while in a committed relationship? Can it be used to advance state of the relationship? How about using it as a form of foreplay?

Come on people, break out those thinking caps (turns to kissophile and shouts "I said thinking cap, not cervical cap!").
 
I think if both sides don't mind it and are open and honest about it, I don't see the problem.

Personally, I don't see the point- I don't get off on it, so I don't do it.

As far as being sneaky, its a trust breaker thing - it depends on how far the people go with it and how often it happens.

If I found out now M did it, I would NOT be happy and we'd have to deal with it. But M isn't interested in it either, so, its not a problem for us.

He does make fun of my Lit addiction though, and antics of the boards and the harmless flirt type things going on. But its harmless stupid fun and M knows/understands that - so again, all is well.
 
I think each couple needs to have their own rules - to some it wouldn't be cheating, others would find it be cheating.

With any kind of behavior each couple has to make decisions about what goes too far. Each person has to agree at what isn't acceptable. A married couple who are friends of mine do not consider cyber or phone sex cheating, that works for them but it had to be agreed upon. They hadn't dealt with the issue until about a little over a year ago when she met someone online. It was a problem until they talked about it at length. He felt threatened and was hurt by it, it isn't something he wants for himself but once he understood what she was getting from it it doesn't seem to be a problem. I don't know what difference if any it has made in their relationship.

I would be hurt and wouldn't do it, I think I'd be very insecure and threatened..... I'd think there was a problem in my relationship. I have cybered and phone sex with married men and I usually ask why they want to - was it the anonymous part that they wanted, a need they were trying to fill etc. It was of interest to me.

Even in cyber/phone I am monogamous - I wouldn't feel right participating in the activity with another. I'm content right now with him but I haven't asked him if he has other partners - my guess is no but it is just that a guess. If our relationship keeps moving the way it has it will be something I'd want to discuss and establish some understanding.
 
Not for me.

I used to 'cyber' with someone from this site on a fairly regular basis.

But, when I started seeing someone ELSE from this site in the 'real world', I stopped it.

To me, even though there's no 'real' sex with 'cybering', it's still a form of cheating if the other person doesn't know or approve... Flirting on the boards is fine... But no 'cybering'.

I know that other people may not look at it that way, but I do.
 
Got into the whole cyber thing when I was single. Oh, it was a novelty when I first started, but it wore thin. I remember sitting at home one evening, with 5 open PMs open and just hopping from one to the other trying to get all these guys off and nobody was caring how I felt! Bah! That was the night I knew that wasn't for me.

As far as being in a committed relationship? Now that I am, I'm trying to figure out when I would have time for this!! I know it would hurt him, and that would certainly bother me. However, I would much, much rather curl up next to him and watch a bad movie than try to get a guy off through a computer screen. I mean, it's a no-brainer! Real guy sitting next to you, willing to cuddle, snuggle, and make love? Or some jackass loser who probably couldn't get a woman to give him the time of day hoping some chica is going to write naughty words so he can jerk off? I mean, people actually have to think about this? Are you kidding me?

Cheating/not cheating doesn't really matter to me. It just seems like it's a total waste of time in general.
 
Re: Not for me.

phoenix1224 said:
I used to 'cyber' with someone from this site on a fairly regular basis.

But, when I started seeing someone ELSE from this site in the 'real world', I stopped it.

To me, even though there's no 'real' sex with 'cybering', it's still a form of cheating if the other person doesn't know or approve... Flirting on the boards is fine... But no 'cybering'.

I know that other people may not look at it that way, but I do.
Click to expand...
Thanks phoenix, you were able to say what I tried to and with FAR FEWER words!

For me when my emotions and feelings for one man are significant I don't cyber etc. I do feel as though I'd be cheating - it takes away from my relationship with him.
 
SexyChele said:
Got into the whole cyber thing when I was single. Oh, it was a novelty when I first started, but it wore thin. I remember sitting at home one evening, with 5 open PMs open and just hopping from one to the other trying to get all these guys off and nobody was caring how I felt! Bah! That was the night I knew that wasn't for me.

As far as being in a committed relationship? Now that I am, I'm trying to figure out when I would have time for this!! I know it would hurt him, and that would certainly bother me. However, I would much, much rather curl up next to him and watch a bad movie than try to get a guy off through a computer screen. I mean, it's a no-brainer! Real guy sitting next to you, willing to cuddle, snuggle, and make love? Or some jackass loser who probably couldn't get a woman to give him the time of day hoping some chica is going to write naughty words so he can jerk off? I mean, people actually have to think about this? Are you kidding me?

Cheating/not cheating doesn't really matter to me. It just seems like it's a total waste of time in general.
Click to expand...
Damn I like the way you cut to the chase Chele!!
 
It would be ok by me, basically it's just masturbating while penpaling with someone. Where's the cheating in having a penpal? The SO would have to reallllly be the possessive type to call that cheating, IMHO... it's just that you can masturbate while watching tv, listening to music, at the movies, and being on the net... :confused:
 
rydia57 said:
It would be ok by me, basically it's just masturbating while penpaling with someone. Where's the cheating in having a penpal? The SO would have to reallllly be the possessive type to call that cheating, IMHO... it's just that you can masturbate while watching tv, listening to music, at the movies, and being on the net... :confused:
Click to expand...

I disagree. My husband is one of the least possessive people I've ever met, but he considers doing it without pre-approval cheating. I asked him how it's different from looking at porn or reading stories, and he feels it's the live interaction with another person. I think a lot of times it's not just typing or talking on the phone...there's some kind of emotion or relationship there, and it's used as a replacement or supplement to sex with a spouse (which can be fine, but I'm thinking the husband or wife who isn't getting enough so they cyber in secret and go to great lengths to hide it).

I think it can be a great thing to engage in with your partner, but agree it's cheating without his or her blessing.
 
Hubby and I prefer to think of cybering as Interactive Porn! No harm as long as we don't hide it from each other!!
 
MrK does a lot of traveling for work and he is OK with my cybering for my 'personal entertainment' in his absence. No phone calls or emails or photo exchanges or anything though - just cyberplay.
 
I am in a committed open living arrangement. Cybering does absolutely nothing for me, but my partner has several cyber friends. The only time this was a problem was when I felt that all of his attention with his friends left no time or energy for me. Communication is key in working through such issues.

The trust issues are much more paramount than the fact that it's cybering. Regardless of your activity, if you are hiding it from your partner, then your relationship is in trouble. Examine why you're doing it and ask yourself "Is it worth harming my relationship over?"
 
Well, just what constitutes cybering? I have visited chat sites in the past where I've enjoyed discussing past sexual experiences and fantasies with others in the chat rom. But I do let people know ahead of time that I am not into masturbating at the computer, simulating sex with them via chat, nor will I type out things like "I'm cuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnng" for them. I also decline offers to do phone, webcam, meet in person, or visit a zoo with them (?).

Hubby knows I do discuss our sexual experiences online, and is ok with that. Especially since I often will grab him when he comes home and say "there's something I heard about online today that we just HAVE to try!"
 
LindaL said:
Well, just what constitutes cybering? I have visited chat sites in the past where I've enjoyed discussing past sexual experiences and fantasies with others in the chat rom. But I do let people know ahead of time that I am not into masturbating at the computer, simulating sex with them via chat, nor will I type out things like "I'm cuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnng" for them. I also decline offers to do phone, webcam, meet in person, or visit a zoo with them (?).
Click to expand...

Cybering is most often defined as a mutual masturbation session where the two people in question are using computers and masturbating either via text, voice or video.

I think what I had in mind when I started this thread was more of a question of "Has anyone considered the possibilities of cyber as a form of foreplay?"

What I thought was it might be interesting to watch your SO cyber with someone and actually do what the person on the other end is saying/typing/showing etc. I'm not talking about cybering solo while your SO is taking a bath, or sleeping, but using it as a joint process.

It seems to me that cybering WITH your partner could be interesting and fun. The person on the other end doesn't really need to know there are two people on your end at work. Or maybe you can share the information.

So thats really the question. Anyone ever tried using cyber with your SO, as a prelude to having sex with your SO?
 
Well, when you put it THAT way.....

I once gave my partner a lovely blow job while he had phone sex with a friend of ours. It was a lot of fun and actually, a little overwhelming for him I think. He was totaly overstimulated. *cheshire cat grin*

Another time -- I was a participant in two couples having phone sex together ...[speaker phones]. We were all very good friends beforehand and one from each couple made the prior arrangements -- kind of like a "date." Discussing what was going on at each end and listening to each other...Again, it was all in the spirit of good fun and created a heightened arousal for all involved.

....fond memories, that.
 
someplace said:
Well, when you put it THAT way.....

I once gave my partner a lovely blow job while he had phone sex with a friend of ours. It was a lot of fun and actually, a little overwhelming for him I think. He was totaly overstimulated. *cheshire cat grin*

Another time -- I was a participant in two couples having phone sex together ...[speaker phones]. We were all very good friends beforehand and one from each couple made the prior arrangements -- kind of like a "date." Discussing what was going on at each end and listening to each other...Again, it was all in the spirit of good fun and created a heightened arousal for all involved.

....fond memories, that.
Click to expand...

Would you consider it as something to add to your box of foreplay tricks? Or something special you'd pull on rare occasions?

What I'm exploring here is possibilities. Can cybering be used as a method of foreplay. Would couples that normally wouldn't dream of swinging think cybering a safer alternative etc... :)
 
We used to do something similar pre cyber with video, watching whats happening on the screen while your partner was doing the same things to you, very strange but very good.
Not sure how that would go with real people.
 
Bobmi357 said:
Would you consider it as something to add to your box of foreplay tricks? Or something special you'd pull on rare occasions?

What I'm exploring here is possibilities. Can cybering be used as a method of foreplay. Would couples that normally wouldn't dream of swinging think cybering a safer alternative etc... :)
Click to expand...

I think anything that aids communication between partners is a good thing. Before you could add cybering to your toybox, you'd have to discuss your desires and expectations and maybe some fantasies with your partner. All of this in itself can be a terrific turn-on. Just thinking about naughty things you might do together can be stimulating. And remember: The most important part of sex is in your mind/brain.
 
It's cheating.

The only time it isn't is if you are doing it with your partner or with your partners knowledge (in our case occasional co-operation :devil: ).

It's a simple call really.........

Would you partner be hurt if they found out?

The answer to that is the answer to the question.
 
Hubby and I cyber seperately alot. It's something we've agreed is ok. We let each other know who we're doing it with and maybe a few brief details but nothing in depth more often than not.

I've had a couple of experiences with real sex at the same time as having cyber sex.

In fact my first ever cyber experience was undertaken whilst riding my husbands cock. Ahh the advantage of web TV and the teeny tiny keyboard (the only advantafge if I remember) and well it was an experience...but difficult for me to keep on typing ;)

Another time I was cybering with a good friend and I got so hot i was typing one handed (doesn't happen so very often) and my hubby (on a compuer the other side of the room) stopped what he was doing to watch me... Now that was so sexy and before i finished myself he was between my thighs using his mouth to make me explode.

These are rare occassions,but i know if i've cybered and i've not been able to masturbate it does make me very eager to have sex and i know the same goes for hubby :)
 
English Lady said:
Hubby and I cyber seperately alot. It's something we've agreed is ok. We let each other know who we're doing it with and maybe a few brief details but nothing in depth more often than not.

I've had a couple of experiences with real sex at the same time as having cyber sex.

In fact my first ever cyber experience was undertaken whilst riding my husbands cock. Ahh the advantage of web TV and the teeny tiny keyboard (the only advantafge if I remember) and well it was an experience...but difficult for me to keep on typing ;)

Another time I was cybering with a good friend and I got so hot i was typing one handed (doesn't happen so very often) and my hubby (on a compuer the other side of the room) stopped what he was doing to watch me... Now that was so sexy and before i finished myself he was between my thighs using his mouth to make me explode.

These are rare occassions,but i know if i've cybered and i've not been able to masturbate it does make me very eager to have sex and i know the same goes for hubby :)
Click to expand...


Thats some cyber dedication!
 
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