How to make people laugh

From my dad

I have always dreaded old age. I could not
imagine anything worse than being old.
How awful it must be to have nothing to do
all day but stare at the walls or watch TV.

So last week, when the mayor suggested we
all celebrate "Senior Citizen Week" by cheering up
a senior citizen, I determined to do just that.

I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired
gentleman, recently widowed, who, presumed,
had moved in with his married daughter
because he was too old to take care of himself.

I baked a batch of brownies, and, without bothering
to call (some old people cannot hear the phone),
I went off to brighten this old guy's day.

When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the
door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking
about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.

"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I
introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club
at two. I'm playing in the semi-finals today."

"That's all right," I said. "I baked you some brownies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I
need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
"...and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay!
I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."

"Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just
called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight.
She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at
breakfast that she had an appointment for a tint job."

I called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the
hospital...working in the gift shop.
I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79).
I forgot; he was on his honeymoon.

I still dread old age, now more than ever.
I just don't think I'm up to it.

Cancel your credit cards...THIS IS SO FUNNY

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank:
*


· Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

· Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

· Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

· Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

· Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

· Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

· Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

· Bank: "Excuse me?"

· Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

· Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:


· Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

· Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

· Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

· Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

· Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

· Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

· Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:


· Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

· Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

· Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

· Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

· Bank: "That might help."

· Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

· Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

· Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my
friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well , me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true,Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three.

Book Reports

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:


Titanic: $29.99
Clinton : $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica.....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied,"I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said,"No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?"

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

Trailer Trash

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after sayin! g, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen
start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how
much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side....

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart...

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working T.V...

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...

25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.

27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...

28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.

29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and youtake them out to see what it is...

34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate" ...

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

> (1) Zero Gravity
>
> When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
> that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
> problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen
> that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including
> glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
>
> The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.
>
>

> (2) Our Constitution
>
> "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
> just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, and
> it's worked for over 200 years.
>
> And, we're not using it anymore."
>

> (3) Ten Commandments
>
> The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is
> that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
> Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges
> and politicians .
>
> It creates a hostile work environment.
>
>

luv2Byours said:

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

Click to expand...

You could easily change it into:

A woman will pay $20 for a $10 item she needs.
A man will pay $10 for a $20 item that he doesn't need.

Aint it the truth, aint it the truth...

smoothdevil said:

> (3) Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges
and politicians .

It creates a hostile work environment.

Click to expand...

Wouldn't work there

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST...


Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.


The winning definitions in no particular order are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained


3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.


5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.


6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown


8. Gargoyle (n.), olive flavored mouthwash.


9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.


10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.


11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.


15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.


16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Subject: Blonde joke

A surgeon was making his rounds and was stopped by a
question from a lovely blonde patient.

"Doctor, will I be able to have a good sex life
again?" she asked.

He assured her "you'll be fine" and continued on his
round with a huge grin.

One of the attending interns finally couldnt stand it
any longer, and asked why the doctor had found such a
serious question to be so funny.

"Well," said the doctor," it's just that I had never
been asked that before by someone who had their
tonsils taken out.

Breaking out in song in front of my class...yeah, they laughed!

> The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
>
>
> 1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
> Bad: It's triplets.
> Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
>
> 2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
> Bad: She wants a divorce.
> Ugly: She's a lawyer.
>
> 3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
> Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
> Ugly: So are you.
>
> 4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
> Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
> Ugly: You're in them.
>
> 5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
> Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
> Ugly: Your 13-year old daughter borrowed them.
>
> 6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
> Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
> Ugly: He looks better than you.
>
> 7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
> Bad: She keeps interrupting.
> Ugly: With corrections.
>
> 8. Good: The postman's early.
> Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
> Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
>
> 9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
> Bad: It's another man.
> Ugly: He's your best friend.
>
> 10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
> Bad: As a hooker.
> Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
>
>

Four North Carolina Highway Patrolmen went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



The first Trooper slept in the room with Daryl, came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different Trooper's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."



The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning." they couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.

Unfaithful for a Reason

(Someone needs to write the female version of this one!)

The wife came home early to find her husband making love to a
beautiful, sexy young woman.

"You unfaithful, disrespectful jerk! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me, the faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving this house and I want a divorce!"

The husband, replied, "Wait! Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I will hear from you so make it fast, you
cheating creep."

"While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so
defenceless that I went ahead and allowed her into my car. I noticed
she was very thin, not well dressed and dirty. She mentioned she had
not eaten for three days. Out of compassion, I brought her home and
warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night that you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll gain more weight. When I served them
to her, the poor young thing, practically inhaled them.

Since she was dirty I asked her if she'd like to bathe. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were worn-out and full of holes so I
threw them away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of
jeans that you no longer wear because they're too tight on you, I also
gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't
wear because I don't have a good taste. I gave her the pullover that my
sister gave you for Christmas that you won't wear just to bother my
sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive
boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker
wearing the same pair.

After she dressed, I walked the young woman to the door where she
turned around and with tears of gratitude streaming down her
cheeks, she asked me," Sir, do you have anything else your wife
doesn't use?"

Little Johnny again...

Little Johnny was 11 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother who became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did the following morning. Here is what Johnny described to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like a doctor would except he is not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. Sis must have put some bigger fruit under her blouse this time because her boyfriend kept on saying how they were the largest melons he had ever felt. He must of gotten real hungry from all that kissing and stuff because she let him take off her blouse and suck on both of them for a long time."

"Then he started getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them were panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold, because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. Then this was when the fever really started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot. Finally I found out what was making them so sick. A big eel had gotten in his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 12 inches long! Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she really got scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen. I should have told her about the one at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill it by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he got a muzzle out of his pocket. He slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight! Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. They must have been getting shocked by the eel because they were shaking a lot. After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of the insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the fight, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel was not dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats; they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped on it and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a long fight, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet."

On their wedding night a new couple is just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession. "I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man."

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows? The wife answers, "Well, maybe!"

The husband asks who it was. The wife answers, "It was Tiger Woods."

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing." When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asked his bride.

"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"

The wife says, "Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Really! Just what would TIGER do?" says the husband.

"Well, we would do it again!"

"Ok," says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone. The wife says, "You're not calling room service are you?"

"No," says the exhausted hubby.

"Well who are you calling then?" she asks.

"I'm calling Tiger Woods -- I want to see what par is for this hole!"

blue112 said:

snip
"I'm calling Tiger Woods -- I want to see what par is for this hole!"

Click to expand...

This one made me spew my coffee. Thank you so much, i needed that.

You Know You're Too Stressed If...

1 You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up.

2 The Sun is too loud.

3 Trees begin to chase you.

4 You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

5 You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

6 You can hear mimes.

7 You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

8 You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

9 Things become "Very Clear."

10 You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

11 You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

12 You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand.

13 The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

14 You and Reality file for divorce.

15 You can skip without a rope.

16 It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

17 You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

18 You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.

19 You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

20 You can travel without moving. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

21 You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

22 Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.

23 You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

I like this one!

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"