My neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore
- Thread starter montrealgirl
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fade2blue
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Wow!!!
Hi there MG!
Just discovered this thread..... it's just great!!! Count me in for a subscription... It's really, really funny... keep it up
And don't worry about the jerk.......
Some people are just.... well..... I guess Darwin was wrong.......
Hi there MG!
Just discovered this thread..... it's just great!!! Count me in for a subscription... It's really, really funny... keep it up
And don't worry about the jerk.......
Some people are just.... well..... I guess Darwin was wrong.......
it_matters
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We create mirrors of ourselves. That's how the world works. Some are mirrors that reflect humor and humanity, while others...?keiffers said:
montrealgirl
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Mullets & Wife-beaters
It's so great to see some new friendly faces on my thread. Greetings wildfyre, phoenix67, mrtnmoon, twintooth (and a Montrealer too!), fade2blue and snowhugs. Of course, hope you are well also borg3of4, OceanGoddess, it_matters and denae.
It has been very quiet next door the past few days. I haven't seen or heard Kelly at all. But its not one of those uneasy kinds of quiet. I am guessing that perhaps she is out Christams shopping like the rest of us; afterall, crackwhore's are people too. Isn't that what we are all learning here?
I did have the pleasure of meeting one of Kellys crackpimps 2 weeks ago. It was about 9:30am and I was leaving for school/work. I opened my door and there, loitering in the hallway was a burly gentleman, not exactly my type, but apparently KtCWs.
He was probably in his late forties and appeared to have just woken up. I imagine he had not yet looked in the mirror as he appeared quite dishevelled. His light brown mullet was tosseled and his beard looked like it hadn't been attended to in a few days. His larger than average buttocks were not so accentuated by the dropey striped boxers he wore. Luckily for me (or maybe not, who really knows), his chest was covered by a faintly stained wife-beater. I believe the stain I saw was coffee, and I concluded that he drinks his coffee with milk as it was a light brown and not the dark brown/black of a medium roast black coffee. He wore a pair of navy (could have been black, I didn't want to stare) socks; one leg higher than the other.
His only accessory was a cigarette.
This was quite a sight at 9:30am. He looked me up and down, and I thought it best I stay friendly for fear that he may one night chose to pound on my door. I gave him a big grin and a pleasant, "bonjour!" and made my way past him. I even refrained from muttering "crackpimp" under my breath.
I assume Kelly was inside making a hearty breakfast of eggs and bacon.
It's so great to see some new friendly faces on my thread. Greetings wildfyre, phoenix67, mrtnmoon, twintooth (and a Montrealer too!), fade2blue and snowhugs. Of course, hope you are well also borg3of4, OceanGoddess, it_matters and denae.
It has been very quiet next door the past few days. I haven't seen or heard Kelly at all. But its not one of those uneasy kinds of quiet. I am guessing that perhaps she is out Christams shopping like the rest of us; afterall, crackwhore's are people too. Isn't that what we are all learning here?
I did have the pleasure of meeting one of Kellys crackpimps 2 weeks ago. It was about 9:30am and I was leaving for school/work. I opened my door and there, loitering in the hallway was a burly gentleman, not exactly my type, but apparently KtCWs.
He was probably in his late forties and appeared to have just woken up. I imagine he had not yet looked in the mirror as he appeared quite dishevelled. His light brown mullet was tosseled and his beard looked like it hadn't been attended to in a few days. His larger than average buttocks were not so accentuated by the dropey striped boxers he wore. Luckily for me (or maybe not, who really knows), his chest was covered by a faintly stained wife-beater. I believe the stain I saw was coffee, and I concluded that he drinks his coffee with milk as it was a light brown and not the dark brown/black of a medium roast black coffee. He wore a pair of navy (could have been black, I didn't want to stare) socks; one leg higher than the other.
His only accessory was a cigarette.
This was quite a sight at 9:30am. He looked me up and down, and I thought it best I stay friendly for fear that he may one night chose to pound on my door. I gave him a big grin and a pleasant, "bonjour!" and made my way past him. I even refrained from muttering "crackpimp" under my breath.
I assume Kelly was inside making a hearty breakfast of eggs and bacon.
montrealgirl
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Well that isn't too comforting...won't I just be the biggest insensitive schmuck if the coroners come by. I did hear some banging around in her kitchen yesterday (we share a wall in our kitchens). I just walked out to get my laundry out of the dryer and it was pretty quiet in the hall, and there is very little booze stench tonight. Hmmm. I will keep a close eye on the situation.Denae said:MG-remind me to tell you about an uneasy kind of quiet that I had once with an upstairs neighbor...my landlady called me at work to tell me not to worry if I saw a coroner's wagon when I came home that night.
I bet she is getting some well deserved (and much needed) beauty sleep.
it_matters
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Ahhhhh... so refreshingly non-PC. I sit here laughing more or less under my breath, shaking my head, and saying hooooooly shit! I am starting to get the feeling that this movie might not have a Hollywood ending... it's going to be one of those quirky Canuck indie flicks, you know it by the cast of characters, and the fact that there is not a single famous actor in the troupe... Salaried on french bread and inexpensive wine, I bet...montrealgirl said:
OceanGoddess
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Yes, MG, crackwhores are people too, that is quite true.
I deal with and work for a lot of people on drugs in my job, and they are such broken people . ..it is sad but you have to laugh, because it's hilarious too. If I didn't laugh sometimes I'd just cry .. .
I deal with and work for a lot of people on drugs in my job, and they are such broken people . ..it is sad but you have to laugh, because it's hilarious too. If I didn't laugh sometimes I'd just cry .. .
EdgeSeekers
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Great, just great. Can't wait for the next installment!
montrealgirl
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New Year's with KtCW: Part One
Okay, I now have A LOT of info to pass on about my endearing neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore. I will post in several installments; so for those of you who have fallen for my gal pal, please remember to check back regularily.
Dec 29, 2005
I'm out of town staying with my sister at Mom's house for the holidays in small town Ontario. I get a call at about 10pm from my favourite cousin, "John". He and 3 buddies have decided to leave the next evening and drive to Montreal for New Years Eve (a 7-hour drive). He asks me where some cool places are and where they should go out stating, "c'mon, you are totally young and cool" (now you see why he is my favourite cousin).
So John and his friends are all 19 years old, and this would officially be their first big trip out of small-town Ontario. John grew up on a farm and has since left to live in Kitchener, but is still young, a bit naive and inexperienced.
I was pleased to hear that he wanted to venture out to my stomping ground, particularily because Montreal is the best city in Canada. At the end of our conversation he asks how much I would charge to let them stay at my apartment (like I didn't see that one coming). I tell him I'll think about it - although I was slightly worried. I trust my cousin 100%; he is a great kid. However, I have never met his friends and I would have preferred to be around while 4 younguns crash at my place.
Nonetheless, I relent and agree to get some keys copied for them saying, "I'll make you copies of my keys, but I can't guarantee they will work...so if they don't, you'll have to have a backup plan." He excitedly agrees.
Dec 30, 2005
I cut two copies of my building key, and two for my apartment front door. I take them to John, write out instructions and wish him a good safe trip. The last thing I say to him is, "oh, and yeah...I live next door to a crackwhore - so watch out for her!"
Okay, I now have A LOT of info to pass on about my endearing neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore. I will post in several installments; so for those of you who have fallen for my gal pal, please remember to check back regularily.
Dec 29, 2005
I'm out of town staying with my sister at Mom's house for the holidays in small town Ontario. I get a call at about 10pm from my favourite cousin, "John". He and 3 buddies have decided to leave the next evening and drive to Montreal for New Years Eve (a 7-hour drive). He asks me where some cool places are and where they should go out stating, "c'mon, you are totally young and cool" (now you see why he is my favourite cousin).
So John and his friends are all 19 years old, and this would officially be their first big trip out of small-town Ontario. John grew up on a farm and has since left to live in Kitchener, but is still young, a bit naive and inexperienced.
I was pleased to hear that he wanted to venture out to my stomping ground, particularily because Montreal is the best city in Canada. At the end of our conversation he asks how much I would charge to let them stay at my apartment (like I didn't see that one coming). I tell him I'll think about it - although I was slightly worried. I trust my cousin 100%; he is a great kid. However, I have never met his friends and I would have preferred to be around while 4 younguns crash at my place.
Nonetheless, I relent and agree to get some keys copied for them saying, "I'll make you copies of my keys, but I can't guarantee they will work...so if they don't, you'll have to have a backup plan." He excitedly agrees.
Dec 30, 2005
I cut two copies of my building key, and two for my apartment front door. I take them to John, write out instructions and wish him a good safe trip. The last thing I say to him is, "oh, and yeah...I live next door to a crackwhore - so watch out for her!"
mcopado
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OH no...You can't leave us hanging...I've gotta go to bed, and now I'll toss and turn all night wondering about your young, small town cousin staying next door to KTCW while you were away....
I bet he has a few tales to tell too, New Years Eve next door to Kelly...
There's always tomorrow...Great thread....
I bet he has a few tales to tell too, New Years Eve next door to Kelly...
There's always tomorrow...Great thread....
montrealgirl
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New Year's with KtCW: Part Two
Good to see you back borg3of4, fade2blue & adutihl, and welcome our newest KtCW fan, mcopado!
Dec 30, 2005 (continued)
I sent a text message to John's cell around 11pm asking, "Are you there yet?!", knowing full well they would arrive closer to 3am. He replied, "not yet" but said they were excited and the drive was going well.
I ate more of mom's Christmas cookies and then rolled off to sleep just after midnight.
Dec 31, 2005
My cell phone starts ringing around 3am. In a sleepy haze I answer, very dazed, and very confused.
It's John.
The keys to the building don't work. They are stuck outside and its about -24 outside. I can't even think for a few seconds as I try to process what he is saying. I give the brilliant of advice of trying to "jiggle" the key, and "twist" it in the other direction. My genius fails me. Finally I tell him to wait outside until someone either leaves, or comes home. I was thinking it would just be a matter of time before someone either arrived or left from Kelly's place.
I get another call at about 3:20am. They are now in the building (I didn't want to know how), but now the keys for my apartment door don't work. Side note here: don't ever take keys to get cut to Canadian Tire. I paid 17$ to cut 4 keys and none of them worked!
This latest bit of news starts to worry me. It is the middle of the night, the boys have never been to Montreal before and now they can't get into my house. In a last ditch effort to salvage their trip, I tell them to hold tight - I had a plan.
I called the emergency line for my landlord and left a message requesting a call-back. Five minutes later my cell rings and I've reached the ONLY English super I think my landlord has ever employed. He is groggy, but I explain how my young, impressionable and scared cousin is trapped in my building. Amazingly, Mike, agrees to go to my building and let the boys into my apartment - he also agrees after much persuasion to leave them the master set so they can come and go all weekend.
I call back John and tell him to wait for Mike in the hallway, and to look scared and innocent when he arrives. John tells me I rock (which I do, tis true), and I tell him to text me once he is inside my place, safe & sound.
The next call comes at 3:40am. It's John again. And he's frantic.
"Oh my god, your neighbour the crackwhore just came home and saw us in the hall! She is making us go into her apartment - grabbing our luggage and carrying it inside! Oh my god! What do I do!!"
I start to laugh and tell him that its okay - I'm not really sure that she is a true CW. I tell him it is probably a good idea actually if his friends are inside her place when Mike comes - my super white scrawny cousin can then play up the scared innocent boy routine to his full potential. I tell him to have fun, and to let me knows what happens.
I'm now in bed, wired, wondering what is happening, and wondering when I'll get deets so I can post them here. My mind was whirling. Then I get a bit worried. I text another message:
"Hope you enjoyed meeting Kelly, but please under no circumstances whatsoever is she to go in my apartment. She has many many many male visitors and I don't need any of them knowing what I own. Have fun!"
He texts me back and says that he understands and that I shouldn't worry. He tells me they are in my apartment because Kelly decided to have a shower and Mike arrived with the keys. Kelly has invited them to come back over later.
At 4am I write one more message before rolling over and falling back asleep:
"Have a great time, and get as many details as possible. Oh, and you so totally have to take pictures."
Good to see you back borg3of4, fade2blue & adutihl, and welcome our newest KtCW fan, mcopado!
Dec 30, 2005 (continued)
I sent a text message to John's cell around 11pm asking, "Are you there yet?!", knowing full well they would arrive closer to 3am. He replied, "not yet" but said they were excited and the drive was going well.
I ate more of mom's Christmas cookies and then rolled off to sleep just after midnight.
Dec 31, 2005
My cell phone starts ringing around 3am. In a sleepy haze I answer, very dazed, and very confused.
It's John.
The keys to the building don't work. They are stuck outside and its about -24 outside. I can't even think for a few seconds as I try to process what he is saying. I give the brilliant of advice of trying to "jiggle" the key, and "twist" it in the other direction. My genius fails me. Finally I tell him to wait outside until someone either leaves, or comes home. I was thinking it would just be a matter of time before someone either arrived or left from Kelly's place.
I get another call at about 3:20am. They are now in the building (I didn't want to know how), but now the keys for my apartment door don't work. Side note here: don't ever take keys to get cut to Canadian Tire. I paid 17$ to cut 4 keys and none of them worked!
This latest bit of news starts to worry me. It is the middle of the night, the boys have never been to Montreal before and now they can't get into my house. In a last ditch effort to salvage their trip, I tell them to hold tight - I had a plan.
I called the emergency line for my landlord and left a message requesting a call-back. Five minutes later my cell rings and I've reached the ONLY English super I think my landlord has ever employed. He is groggy, but I explain how my young, impressionable and scared cousin is trapped in my building. Amazingly, Mike, agrees to go to my building and let the boys into my apartment - he also agrees after much persuasion to leave them the master set so they can come and go all weekend.
I call back John and tell him to wait for Mike in the hallway, and to look scared and innocent when he arrives. John tells me I rock (which I do, tis true), and I tell him to text me once he is inside my place, safe & sound.
The next call comes at 3:40am. It's John again. And he's frantic.
"Oh my god, your neighbour the crackwhore just came home and saw us in the hall! She is making us go into her apartment - grabbing our luggage and carrying it inside! Oh my god! What do I do!!"
I start to laugh and tell him that its okay - I'm not really sure that she is a true CW. I tell him it is probably a good idea actually if his friends are inside her place when Mike comes - my super white scrawny cousin can then play up the scared innocent boy routine to his full potential. I tell him to have fun, and to let me knows what happens.
I'm now in bed, wired, wondering what is happening, and wondering when I'll get deets so I can post them here. My mind was whirling. Then I get a bit worried. I text another message:
"Hope you enjoyed meeting Kelly, but please under no circumstances whatsoever is she to go in my apartment. She has many many many male visitors and I don't need any of them knowing what I own. Have fun!"
He texts me back and says that he understands and that I shouldn't worry. He tells me they are in my apartment because Kelly decided to have a shower and Mike arrived with the keys. Kelly has invited them to come back over later.
At 4am I write one more message before rolling over and falling back asleep:
"Have a great time, and get as many details as possible. Oh, and you so totally have to take pictures."
mrtnmoon
I am the fact decider...
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of course he did. I have the feeling you could persuade almost any man to do almost anything.montrealgirl said:
cool new stories.... looking forward to reading what happens next. besides pics, you should have told john and his friends to find out if kelly is indeed a crackwhore.
montrealgirl
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Oh, keep reading mrtnmoon....keep on reading my friend.mrtnmoon said:besides pics, you should have told john and his friends to find out if kelly is indeed a crackwhore.
mrtnmoon
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I can't help but wonder if there are rules.... I mean, what distinguishes a crackwhore from your average, garden variety whore? I'm guessing crack.... but then does that mean that they can only accept crack as payment, or can they be compensated for their whorish ways with cash or some other kind of drugs? are there heroin whores?
things that make me go hmmmm........
things that make me go hmmmm........
montrealgirl
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mrtnmoon, you have raised some very legitimate points here...definitely worthy of our contemplation & consideration.mrtnmoon said:
I suggest we open this topic up for discussion among Kelly's fans. I'll continue to post the facts I observe them and we can all judge her level of whorishness together.
Please keep in mind that my experience with illegal substances is not so extensive so I may not be able to properly identify all her vices.
