Little things

[TheWritingGroup]

Editing a story for the last time before publishing, I saw this:

Andrea put her hand on his shoulder, leaning across the table. Cliff was lean, his shoulder felt very solid ...

That repetition of "lean" feels very awkward to me. I have no way to know if readers would even notice.

-Annie

 

[pink_silk_glove]

I watch for this stuff in my own work all the time. It might be the most common line edit that I make and yet it still gets through - often - and it makes me cringe.

Not only is lean used twice in back to back sentences, so is shoulder. It's really easy to miss, but to a fresh reader it can really be a stumble or a smack in the face sometimes. That's why it's best to leave your story alone for a few days when you finish so that you can forget as much of it as you can before you make your final line edits. Better yet, get someone else to edit it, but very few of us have that luxury.

 

[mildlyaroused]

I grapple with this a lot, too. If my protagonist is grappling with something complex, it can be very hard to lay out those thoughts in a way that doesn't feel repetitive and roundabout. Even small actions, like this one with Andrea and Cliff, can be hard to write. If you have two lean things, how do you prevent that repetition? Substituting a word is the easy way, but often the new word doesn't feel quite as "right" as the one you first came up with. It's funny that we have an endless drawer of vocabulary and syntax to reach for, but the simplest little things trip us up!

(note my use of "grapple" twice? oops!)

 

[Privates1stClass]

When editing my writing, I've had similar issues where the same word shows up several times in my first draft. My solution has been to install Artha, The Open Thesaurus, on my computer. Artha can usually supply a similar word which removes the repetition. It works with Windows and Linux. Here's a link: https://artha.sourceforge.net/wiki/index.php/Home

 

[Voboy]

"lean" does not bother me there, because they're different parts of speech. But I'd probably seek a new word if it was me, and there are plenty.

The doubling of "shoulder" would bother me more. But it's not all that egregious either.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I watch for this stuff in my own work all the time. It might be the most common line edit that I make and yet it still gets through - often - and it makes me cringe.

Not only is lean used twice in back to back sentences, so is shoulder. It's really easy to miss, but to a fresh reader it can really be a stumble or a smack in the face sometimes. That's why it's best to leave your story alone for a few days when you finish so that you can forget as much of it as you can before you make your final line edits. Better yet, get someone else to edit it, but very few of us have that luxury.

The repetition of "shoulder" was deliberate, FWIW. She touches, then notices the feel of, his body. They're about to move into physical intimacy, I'm showing that she's becoming aware of his physicality.

Not saying it's the best choice, but it was a choice.

-Annie

 

[Illinoisguy1980]

A video with Natasha Nice

 

[pink_silk_glove]

The repetition of "shoulder" was deliberate, FWIW. She touches, then notices the feel of, his body. They're about to move into physical intimacy, I'm showing that she's becoming aware of his physicality.

Not saying it's the best choice, but it was a choice.

-Annie

Personally I'd try this: Leaning across the table, Andrea put her hand on his shoulder. Cliff was lithe, his flesh felt more than solid, rugged even.

The 'leaning across the table' phrase felt misplaced. Putting it before 'Andrea' removes any ambiguity that 'his shoulder' might be what is doing the leaning. Replacing 'lean' with 'lithe' avoids the 'lean' repeat and replacing the second 'shoulder' with 'flesh'. We already know that the part of his flesh touched is his shoulder and flesh is more intimate and/or more erotic (take your pick). Finally, 'very solid' sounded weak. If 'more than solid, rugged even' is a bit much or doesn't fit the mood that you're looking for, then just go back to 'solid' without the 'very'.

 

[mildlyaroused]

I know this isn't meant to be a discussion of how to fix the issue, which the OP has under control, but I always like to keep sentences simple in their structure. Make 'em flow. For fun, while I brewed my tea, I wrote this:

Andrea leant across the table and put a hand on his shoulder. It was solid, firm to the touch.

"Leant" in my opinion sounds cleaner than using a whole separate clause to say "leaning across the table..." It streamlines the physical progression of events. By referring to his shoulder as "it", we don't need any repetition. It's solid. It's firm. That portrays physicality. If Cliff must be lean, we can get to that in the next sentence.

 

[THBGato]

See, I disagree: I like it. "Leaning" and "lean" are completely different words, with different meanings here, yet, for me, their homophone nature means they echo and amplify each other. Thus, her movement towards him, and his physical form, are both emphasised.

I agree though about not repeating shoulder (maybe have "muscle" in the second instance).

 

[MrPixel]

I watch for repetitions like that in my work even if they have different meanings, and will find other words for one that convey the same sentiment.

Your example with a slight restructuring:

Reaching over the table, Andrea put her hand on his shoulder. Cliff was lean, his shoulder felt very solid ...

 

[HordHolm]

This is something that really bugs me. I find myself going back over stuff repeatedly trying to find it (though this does fit in with the way I write - I can't write cold, I have to re-read before continuing). I sometimes find this sort of thing, and it's (one) of the things that makes me cringe.

In the OPs example, I would delete the second reference to the shoulder, rewording it something like, Cliff felt lean, solid... The reader already knows Andrea is touching his shoulder so the second reference is redundant.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I watch for this stuff in my own work all the time. It might be the most common line edit that I make and yet it still gets through - often - and it makes me cringe.

Ditto. It's one of my biggest editing go-throughs. If I do end up with repetition, it's guaranteed to be deliberate, for effect.

I use word clouds constantly, to monitor for the top one-hundred most used words in a story - Worditout.com have a no word limit tool that is extremely useful.

 

[StillStunned]

I catch these things with Read Aloud, both in my writing here on Lit and in my professional editing.

Although apparently I still overuse "arse".

 

[MrStill]

Sorry, a video with Natasha Nice, @Illinoisguy1980 ? Which one?

 

[TheLobster]

Although apparently I still overuse "arse".

In your professional editing as well?

 

[StillStunned]

In your professional editing as well?

Not nearly as much as I'd like!

 

[karina_jayde]

I struggle with that as well. I've also found that using a read-aloud feature helps to spotlight those.

Another thing that helps me is to edit backwards. Start at the end of the work, read it paragraph by paragraph, in reverse order. Doing so completely screws with the narrative flow and immersion, of course, but allows me to focus on word choice errors and typos. Definitely not great for overall narrative editing or preserving voice, but doing so has caught errors I'd have missed otherwise.

 

[mrs_mackenzie]

Although apparently I still overuse "arse".

Takes one to know one, obviously...?

I don't worry when I'm writing about repetition like this because it occurs naturally anyway ("shoulder to shoulder") and using similar words with different meanings together can be poetic.

If the sentence feels awkward to you, the writer, reword it. If it doesn't, then don't worry. As a reader, I probably wouldn't notice something like this.

 

[jaF0]

Andrea put her hand on his shoulder, leaning across the table. Cliff was lean, his shoulder felt very solid ...

Leaning across the table, Andrea put her hand on Cliff's strong, solid shoulder.

Andrea leaned across the table and put her hand on Cliff's shoulder that felt very solid to her.

 

[StillStunned]

Takes one to know one, obviously...?

Takes one to appreciate one, I think.

 

[AG31]

Editing a story for the last time before publishing, I saw this:


That repetition of "lean" feels very awkward to me. I have no way to know if readers would even notice.

-Annie

Yes, I'd notice. Repetitions of words too close together leaps out at me, especially when I'm taking an editor/reviewer role. But, basically, any time I'm reading.

 

[AG31]

Takes one to know one, obviously...?

I don't worry when I'm writing about repetition like this because it occurs naturally anyway ("shoulder to shoulder") and using similar words with different meanings together can be poetic.

If the sentence feels awkward to you, the writer, reword it. If it doesn't, then don't worry. As a reader, I probably wouldn't notice something like this.

I don't think "shoulder to shoulder" is the same sort of thing.

 

[Britva415]

"reach across" is how I'd fix it.

But yeah, I do notice things like this and this particular one does grate.

 

[summer_reine]

I struggle with that as well. I've also found that using a read-aloud feature helps to spotlight those.

Another thing that helps me is to edit backwards. Start at the end of the work, read it paragraph by paragraph, in reverse order. Doing so completely screws with the narrative flow and immersion, of course, but allows me to focus on word choice errors and typos. Definitely not great for overall narrative editing or preserving voice, but doing so has caught errors I'd have missed otherwise.

Editing backwards is an excellent idea, it removes the blind spots in the story and might also help catch inconsistencies. I haven't considered this, thank you for sharing!