Little things

[MillieDynamite]

My editor listens to my story using a text-to-speech reader and catches most of my spelling consistencies or mistakes and missing words.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

"reach across" is how I'd fix it.

But yeah, I do notice things like this and this particular one does grate.

I thought of that but 'reach across' sounded less intimate than 'leaning'. Reaching is what you do when you have to get something, but when you want something, you don't mind leaning and getting close, if that makes sense. Leaning more coveys getting into someone's space and in a sexual scene that conveys intimacy. We're also talking about one line out of context and I felt that changing 'lean' to 'reach' might ruin any intimacy that may have already been in the (unseen) context. If I knew the whole context then I could make a better decision and then maybe reach would have been okay after all.

 

[jaF0]

Andrea seductively stretched her lithe, willowy arm across the table to caress Cliff's lean, solid shoulder.

 

[StillStunned]

Andrea's cleavage showed. She must have moved or something. I think there might have been someone else there, but I had better things to look at.

 

[Illinoisguy1980]

Sorry, a video with Natasha Nice, @Illinoisguy1980 ? Which one?

Went to the wrong thread sorry

 

[TheWritingGroup]

To be clear, I did change that sentence once I noticed the repetition. and the story is already submitted.

I think part of it was rushing to get it out, because it's part of an experimental "trilogy" of shorter stuff we wanted to pump out fast.

-Annie

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I noticed something in a newish story's description. I'm not mocking the author, I just think it's (in its way) similar to what I did:

Sarah broadens her sexual taboos with her man.

Broadening the taboo means making more things taboo. I suspect the author meant the opposite, something like, "stretches her limits".

-Annie

 

[MillieDynamite]

Is it a cuckold story? But yeah, it's an odd way of wording it. Sarah explores her sexual taboos with her man, which might be more to the point as well.

I noticed something in a newish story's description. I'm not mocking the author, I just think it's (in its way) similar to what I did:

Broadening the taboo means making more things taboo. I suspect the author meant the opposite, something like, "stretches her limits".

-Annie

 

[TheWritingGroup]

In a current WiP, a person who has very sore muscles:

Moving brought back pain ...

Rereading, I realized that this looks as though I'm talking about back pain, pain in her back. I changed it to, "Moving brought the pain back ..."

--Annie

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Rereading, I realized that this looks as though I'm talking about back pain, pain in her back. I changed it to, "Moving brought the pain back ..."

Movement caused the pain to resurface.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Movement caused the pain to resurface.

The sore-muscled woman is working-class and doesn't read a lot. She wouldn't think or say "resurface," so it feels out of place to have the narrator (who is following her) use that word.

 

[TheLobster]

In a current WiP, a person who has very sore muscles:

Rereading, I realized that this looks as though I'm talking about back pain, pain in her back. I changed it to, "Moving brought the pain back ..."

--Annie

If the boxes are heavy, moving can definitely bring back pain.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Just now, I realized that I had someone tell a little boy, "You should show that to your mom."

Nothing wrong with that, right? Maybe not poetic, but not objectionable.

Except she's his big sister. Why would she say "your" mom? Stupid past me.

(The story is probably weeks from completion, and it won't have that issue when submitted.)

 

[Statius]

Just now, I realized that I had someone tell a little boy, "You should show that to your mom."

Nothing wrong with that, right? Maybe not poetic, but not objectionable.

Except she's his big sister. Why would she say "your" mom? Stupid past me.

(The story is probably weeks from completion, and it won't have that issue when submitted.)

I find stuff like this in my own work as well. I left a WIP sitting for a month, knew there was a problem, went back to look at it trying to figure out what needs to be done, and the very first sentence had the word 'way' twice, and 'hallway' once; one sentence. Never saw it until the other day. I wasn't even looking to fix the opening paragraph.

Needless to say the entire paragraph is deleted for something much better, but damn if I didn't hate myself for that.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Just now, I realized that I had someone tell a little boy, "You should show that to your mom."

Nothing wrong with that, right? Maybe not poetic, but not objectionable.

Except she's his big sister. Why would she say "your" mom? Stupid past me.

(The story is probably weeks from completion, and it won't have that issue when submitted.)

"You should show that to Mom." - one assumes they're siblings, not step.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

"You should show that to Mom." - one assumes they're siblings, not step.

That's exactly what's in the story now.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

This morning, writing a little before work, I was finishing a scene in a bar (which is located in a brothel). There are two characters working there, Lucy and Sally.

Except they keep turning into each other, so Sally will drop off a drink and the customer thanks Lucy.

This is because they aren't really characters, just placeholders for waitstaff that aren't story-relevant, but I feel like I need to hire a movie-style continuity person to keep the stupid names straight.

 

[Duil2]

This morning, writing a little before work, I was finishing a scene in a bar (which is located in a brothel). There are two characters working there, Lucy and Sally.

Except they keep turning into each other, so Sally will drop off a drink and the customer thanks Lucy.

This is because they aren't really characters, just placeholders for waitstaff that aren't story-relevant, but I feel like I need to hire a movie-style continuity person to keep the stupid names straight.

You'll hate me for this but I couldn't resist - you write in very interesting places.
'This morning, writing a little before work, I was finishing a scene in a bar (which is located in a brothel).'
i know, I know - the scene was set in the bar...

Maybe make one male and the other female and the names may not mix-up so much.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

You'll hate me for this but I couldn't resist - you write in very interesting places.
'This morning, writing a little before work, I was finishing a scene in a bar (which is located in a brothel).'
i know, I know - the scene was set in the bar...

Maybe make one male and the other female and the names may not mix-up so much.

For plot reasons they both have to be female. (All the staff are brothel workers. The owners know that making the girls do sex work every single night will ruin their health, which is bad for several reasons, so some nights a girl works as a waitress or bartender or something.)

What I'm going to do is turn Lucy into Gretchen, so their names are not so similar.

 

[BeechLeaf]

I'm beginning to think I need to devise some method of close tracking during a scene. So that there's a more or less continuous knowledge of where Sally is (or in my case the cat - still on Paola's knee, did she put it on the sofa?). She goes back behind the bar, she pours another beer and a glass of wine, she comes out, goes across to the far table with them - none of which appears in the story, but you know where she is.

My analysis program ignores text in square brackets, so I could do this with comments such as [CAT under table], [P picks up CAT], [P transfers CAT from knee to sofa], adjacent to the actual text for that moment. Anything movable or changeable, such as their wine: [G goes to pour another WINE], [A takes first sip of WINE]. Then I should read the dialogue out loud while I'm actually drinking a glass of wine, to make sure it's possible in the time. (Editing is a hard life.)

By the way, another feature of my program: it has a list of banned words, so if Lucy changes to Gretchen, it reports the inevitable remaining mentions of 'Lucy'.

 

[Duil2]

For plot reasons they both have to be female. (All the staff are brothel workers. The owners know that making the girls do sex work every single night will ruin their health, which is bad for several reasons, so some nights a girl works as a waitress or bartender or something.)

What I'm going to do is turn Lucy into Gretchen, so their names are not so similar.

That sounds like a good plan.

 

[AG31]

Just read a short story today where the dominatrix enters the office with a man and two women, and a couple of pages later there are two men and two women, and at the end one man and one woman. The story was short, less then 20 minutes of my slow reading. Somehow this contributed to my sense that the author was scrambling to write down a fantasy, and that it morphed, as fantasies do. There's a classic erotica book that has two openings. I think it's The Story of O, but I don't have a copy available.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Just read a short story today where the dominatrix enters the office with a man and two women, and a couple of pages later there are two men and two women, and at the end one man and one woman. The story was short, less then 20 minutes of my slow reading. Somehow this contributed to my sense that the author was scrambling to write down a fantasy, and that it morphed, as fantasies do. There's a classic erotica book that has two openings. I think it's The Story of O, but I don't have a copy available.

That sounds like writing down a dream. At least for me, dreams have terrible continuity.

 

[Duil2]

Just read a short story today where the dominatrix enters the office with a man and two women, and a couple of pages later there are two men and two women, and at the end one man and one woman. The story was short, less then 20 minutes of my slow reading. Somehow this contributed to my sense that the author was scrambling to write down a fantasy, and that it morphed, as fantasies do. There's a classic erotica book that has two openings. I think it's The Story of O, but I don't have a copy available.

I can understand scrambling to capture a fantasy and the first draft being a mess as a result, but a bit of self-editing before you publish is only polite for your readers, no?

 

[AG31]

I can understand scrambling to capture a fantasy and the first draft being a mess as a result, but a bit of self-editing before you publish is only polite for your readers, no?

I'm not sure. In that classic I mentioned, the author, for sure, was being faithful to a fantasy... on purpose.