Depression. It's a silent killer.

[Wetkitty09]

I lived in avoidance for years. It was probably the main reason my marriage ended though I know there were issues on both sides. It still ended and it has taken me 15 years to get back to myself. There were a couple of close calls during that time.
Now with the help of a therapist I’m starting to get back to where I feel comfortable in my own skin and not like I have to hide or bolt to get away from the feelings. I’m learning to be present and to name those feelings and where they come from. For me that makes them manageable and transient.
Stay safe out there.
Love you.

 

[Bassytian]

Interesting topic. For me, I could never admit to my wife how depressed I get at times. Let alone what triggers it.

Still, writing erotica is an outlet.

That must feel lonely, and I thought not being able to open up to my best friend or parents was awful. You can open up here as much as you want, friend.

But yes, I have found writing erotica to be an outlet as well. The chapters I post don't get as many views as others, but I have a small fan base of people that are into the kind of things I write about, so knowing I have an audience is amazing!

 

[Bassytian]

I was thinking about the things that have always depressed me today at work, and no, I didn't fall back into it, quite the opposite actually. I looked at everything from a more neutral stance. I was either bullied or ignored by most of the other kids in school, I was.. different. I had friends in elementary school but they left me for "cooler" kids in middle school and then in high school, I had no one. I was the least popular student, the others thought I was a joke. On top of that, my parents were going through an extremely ugly divorce. The only thing I lived for at that point was the newest episode of Dragon Ball Z on Toonami every afternoon.

After graduating, nothing changed. I was never invited to any parties, and every woman I ever asked out turned me down, not a single one has ever said yes. Two did ask me out eventually, but I was merely a rebound boyfriend or company until her fiancé came home from out of town. After my last relationship ended in 2011, I gave up on dating and basically became a shut-in. For years, I was convinced that I was some kind of freak, some kind of genetic failure of a man, God's joke or mistake.

But, after looking at things from a different angle, I saw that everything began with school. Looking further, I searched for reasons why I was treated the way I was. Was I inferior to the other kids in some way? Did I do something wrong? The answer I found to both questions was "no". Yes, I was "different" but kids are assholes to each other, it's just the way they are in that environment. I let it destroy my self-esteem, which led to other problems later in life. However. I did nothing wrong and I am not a freak or a genetic failure!

I don't hold it against the kids/teens that treated that way in school. They're "gone", having grown up into adults that know better. I can let it all go now. I turned 40 two months ago, and I let my best years slip by, all because I was too absorbed in my self-hatred. I still don't expect to ever turn female heads, all I want is to make amends to myself for all the time I wasted feeling sorry for myself, and be happy for however long I have left to live.

 

[cutcrystal]

I was thinking about the things that have always depressed me today at work, and no, I didn't fall back into it, quite the opposite actually. I looked at everything from a more neutral stance. I was either bullied or ignored by most of the other kids in school, I was.. different. I had friends in elementary school but they left me for "cooler" kids in middle school and then in high school, I had no one. I was the least popular student, the others thought I was a joke. On top of that, my parents were going through an extremely ugly divorce. The only thing I lived for at that point was the newest episode of Dragon Ball Z on Toonami every afternoon.

After graduating, nothing changed. I was never invited to any parties, and every woman I ever asked out turned me down, not a single one has ever said yes. Two did ask me out eventually, but I was merely a rebound boyfriend or company until her fiancé came home from out of town. After my last relationship ended in 2011, I gave up on dating and basically became a shut-in. For years, I was convinced that I was some kind of freak, some kind of genetic failure of a man, God's joke or mistake.

But, after looking at things from a different angle, I saw that everything began with school. Looking further, I searched for reasons why I was treated the way I was. Was I inferior to the other kids in some way? Did I do something wrong? The answer I found to both questions was "no". Yes, I was "different" but kids are assholes to each other, it's just the way they are in that environment. I let it destroy my self-esteem, which led to other problems later in life. However. I did nothing wrong and I am not a freak or a genetic failure!

I don't hold it against the kids/teens that treated that way in school. They're "gone", having grown up into adults that know better. I can let it all go now. I turned 40 two months ago, and I let my best years slip by, all because I was too absorbed in my self-hatred. I still don't expect to ever turn female heads, all I want is to make amends to myself for all the time I wasted feeling sorry for myself, and be happy for however long I have left to live.

I can relate - kids destroyed me. In therapy and 12 step fellowships I rebuilt myself. I was not the problem. Other kids were.

 

[Bassytian]

I can relate - kids destroyed me. In therapy and 12 step fellowships I rebuilt myself. I was not the problem. Other kids were.

Yeah, they can be. If you don't fit in with them, then yikes! And don't even try to, it will only make things worse, I found out the hard way.

 

[cutcrystal]

Checking in on everybody. Anybody just need to talk let me know.

Hello, I have been engrossed in writing, just taking a lunch break. When writing I am disconnected from any depression or fending off if it's lurking. In the zone writing and at my most serene.

 

[Wetkitty09]

Morning.
I’ve read here recently about the experience many have had in school.
I was invisible. That meant I missed out on most of the bullying and teasing but it also meant I missed out on most of the good stuff too. I wasn’t seen. Thankfully I had a few close friends that I did stuff with and that included me in their lives. One by one those have fallen away as life takes us in different directions.
I am alone but not lonely. I still feel like I’m on the outside looking in but I’m ok with that. I’ve learned that I can’t make people see me because they can only see what they are capable of seeing due to where they are on their path.
I have been a chameleon most of my life. Becoming what others wanted so that I would be seen. But that also meant that I didn’t see myself; I didn’t know who I am.
So the last few years I have been looking for the person that I am. I know the saying “finding myself “ is trite and cliche but it has been my goal. To be the most truly Me that I can be. It takes a lot of work and will continue to take a lot of work but it’s worth it.
This has been a bit of a ramble and I’m not really sure what the point is but hopefully it will help someone see they are not alone in their experience.
Be safe out there.
Love you.

 

[cutcrystal]

Morning.
I’ve read here recently about the experience many have had in school.
I was invisible. That meant I missed out on most of the bullying and teasing but it also meant I missed out on most of the good stuff too. I wasn’t seen. Thankfully I had a few close friends that I did stuff with and that included me in their lives. One by one those have fallen away as life takes us in different directions.
I am alone but not lonely. I still feel like I’m on the outside looking in but I’m ok with that. I’ve learned that I can’t make people see me because they can only see what they are capable of seeing due to where they are on their path.
I have been a chameleon most of my life. Becoming what others wanted so that I would be seen. But that also meant that I didn’t see myself; I didn’t know who I am.
So the last few years I have been looking for the person that I am. I know the saying “finding myself “ is trite and cliche but it has been my goal. To be the most truly Me that I can be. It takes a lot of work and will continue to take a lot of work but it’s worth it.
This has been a bit of a ramble and I’m not really sure what the point is but hopefully it will help someone see they are not alone in their experience.
Be safe out there.
Love you.

To have been invisible would have been a blessing to me. I always felt that I was under a microscope. And I have been isolated and a lone wolf lifelong as a result. Albeit comfortable with it. I don't trust men, and adore women.

 

[Bassytian]

I have been a chameleon most of my life. Becoming what others wanted so that I would be seen. But that also meant that I didn’t see myself; I didn’t know who I am.

I felt that, I felt a lot of what you said but that one was substantial to me. I too was a chameleon, trying to fit in somewhere, anywhere, but never did. And then I became invisible as an adult, especially to women, I still am.

I had the mindset that I was a genetic failure. While I am working toward changing that mindset, I am sad for a different reason now. I suppose you could say that I am in mourning, I mourn the life I never lived, all because I let my depression, anxiety, etc keep me in a box where I felt it was safe and I missed out on so much because of it. But I'm also royally pissed off about it, enough that I'm determined to make the most out of the time I have left!

Hello, I have been engrossed in writing, just taking a lunch break. When writing I am disconnected from any depression or fending off if it's lurking. In the zone writing and at my most serene.

Writing helps me too, but I have let myself become distracted by posting on this forum and my writing has suffered as a result. Therefore, I've made the decision to become far less active on here and focus much more on my writing. I'll still pop in and post on this thread, it's too important not to. It will likely help with my depression too, I feel alive when I'm creating something, more so than I have in years.

 

[Baldo_bearded]

Hey all, hope everyone is well. Doing a little check-in.

Personally, it is the worst time of the year for me. I work in insurance, and hurricane season means long hours and high stress. Getting through it, but almost no free time or focus on myself or my own needs.

Here's to hoping it is calmer in a few weeks.

 

[Ssbbw4u1974]

Hey all, hope everyone is well. Doing a little check-in.

Personally, it is the worst time of the year for me. I work in insurance, and hurricane season means long hours and high stress. Getting through it, but almost no free time or focus on myself or my own needs.

Here's to hoping it is calmer in a few weeks.

I hope things do get calmer, and that things go back to a little normal.

 

[Wetkitty09]

Morning all. Giving this a bump.
Have as good a day as you can.
Be safe out there. Love you.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

I just want to be alone all the time...

 

[Bassytian]

I just want to be alone all the time...

I know that feeling well, when you don't want anyone to speak to you, see you, or even know you exist (no one knowing that I exist comes naturally to me truth be told).

I'm not going to sit here and tell you "everything will be alright", but know there are regulars on this particular thread that are ready and willing to lend a listening ear, or reading eye as the case may be.

 

[cutcrystal]

For me isolation was the only way to survive, away from any abuse. I got so used to the lone wolf life that eventually, after I rebuilt myself, I wanted just that. I also had licence to live like that now, it was now a choice rather than a survival tool. I avoid men, socialising and any group activities.

Why?

Because of the still present toxicity out there. Countless metaphorical knives stuck in me over the years vindicated my insistence on safety, even if that meant being insular.

So I cannot reassure anyone that everything will be all right. Though I do recommend reaching out here. I know it helps me, the awareness that there are people here who can be there for anyone who shares.

 

[Bassytian]

For me isolation was the only way to survive, away from any abuse. I got so used to the lone wolf life that eventually, after I rebuilt myself, I wanted just that. I also had licence to live like that now, it was now a choice rather than a survival tool. I avoid men, socialising and any group activities.

Why?

Because of the still present toxicity out there. Countless metaphorical knives stuck in me over the years vindicated my insistence on safety, even if that meant being insular.

So I cannot reassure anyone that everything will be all right. Though I do recommend reaching out here. I know it helps me, the awareness that there are people here who can be there for anyone who shares.

I can relate to that. I was and still am happiest when I'm alone. I don't have to pretend my social skills are better than they are, and I don't have to struggle to live up to the social and emotional demands of others.

I have always been a lone wolf myself, even before I knew it. I'm not one because it's "cool" or whatever, I'm naturally solitary. I believe that's why I've always struggled to make connections and why I've always been invisible to women, I was going against my nature. When I was a kid, I played video games alone, with toys alone, and outside alone. I came up with highly detailed and elaborate storylines and my toys were the "actors" that played the characters. None of my friends, when I had them, could follow when I included them and their toys when we played together.

Yeah, there is a lot of toxicity out there. I see it every day at work and it makes me sick. It's a big reason I don't want to leave my house. I'm giving serious thought to finding some kind of way to work from home.

 

[Bassytian]

Giving the thread a bump, hope everyone is having a good weekend so far.

 

[cutcrystal]

Yes collected some moth survey gear for use starting next spring. Will be surveying with a few members of the Dorset Moth Group at several woodland/meadow sites here in England.

I will have project over the winter, varnishing the plywood Skinner Moth Trap - 3 coats. And building my mercury vapor lamp setup.

 

[Bassytian]

That looks and sounds awesome! Hope you have a good time!

 

[cutcrystal]

Come the spring...

 

[Wetkitty09]

I hope you’re having the best weekend you can.
Be safe out there.
Love you.

 

[Bassytian]

As far as my mood goes, I've had a good weekend. As for my asthma and allergies, that's a different story...

I had a thought at work today. Some lady came in and was being very rude to a coworker of mine, he of course had to calmly take it. I always keep my cool and walk away whenever it happens to me, but I do feel anger on the inside.

As I was watching this, a thought ran across my mind. If I get offended, mad, etc. when someone talks to me like this, why is it okay when I say even worse to myself? That's a good question, I don't have an immediate answer. I know I'm not alone in this though.

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

I had a bad day in front of my mother, and now she's trying to fix me.

 

[cutcrystal]

And I have a woman making overtures. On my pay I simply cannot afford to date. I reckon it's a deal breaker. I have told her my situation, so I am expecting a goodbye...

 

[cutcrystal]

Yep, it's confirmed - another opportunity wrecked by lockdowns destroying my business and resultant bankruptcy. Crippled by debt for the rest of my life. I'd be depressed if I wasn't so FURIOUS!