speaking of social issues, there's still so many misconceptions regarding spousal/partner abuse in its violent presentation

[butters]

the other day, i was watching a Dateline programme where a woman had killed her husband and openly admitted to doing so. Her reason was long-term abuse at his hands and she was attempting to escape with her children. The prosecution claimed the various monies and paperwork she had stashed away proved it was premeditated murder, plus various members of his family and friends were all about what a great guy he was, never shown signs of violence, they never saw her 'scared' or with injuries. She says it wasn't premeditated and the things she had ready were a part of her escape plan from the frequent rape and violence even as she attempted to protect her kids from seeing it...they heard the arguments, though. There were witnesses who said they often heard arguments from inside the house, and how the woman had once been gregarious but had become more and more withdrawn (or aloof, depending on the neighbour speaking).

Now my real reason for this is how it cropped up time and again about people only seeing him as a 'nice guy' who doted on his wife and they never saw injuries or him being violent or her scared.

Those of you who have suffered long-term abuse at the hands of a partner may well recognise this scenario.

i don't know this particular man was 'like that' but her story never changed throughout two trials and her honesty and coolness in replying was made much of as prosecutors sought to make her seem 'cold' and uncaring. The first trial she was acquitted by the majority but a retrial was forced through where she was found guilty.

Partners such as she described her husband to be do what they do behind closed doors. They (most often) make quite sure to leave no visible evidence of bruising or make sure the person they've damaged is well-covered to hide any. That includes clothes and makeup if necessary but the face tends to be avoided as too obvious. They also are adept at putting on this charismatic front of the charming, almost compulsively likeable persona to other people which can be dropped in an instant. The psychopath who i was with for 18 years (the last 2 thankfully almost free of him) would even whole-heartedly guilt-trip me if he could see any bruises, making himself the victim of my callous disregard for his sensibilities... 'how could you DO that to me? rub my face in what happened when you know how bad i feel about it...yada yada yada.' Most my neighbours thought he was wonderful...like the time he brought a big showy bunch of flowers up the cul-de-sac for me, and it wasn't even our anniversary. (he probably stole them or got the money from his nan saying they were for a funeral or something.) It wasn't about me, about bringing me something nice to brighten my day; it was a coldly calculated cultivation of a perception of himself with the neighbours. A few who saw through him were soon made pariahs, and though we'd been friends before him he made sure i either started not liking them because of things he invented or made it a 'them or me' situation. So i'd begin avoiding people. It also was easier not to have to lie to them if they asked 'are you alright'.

I was kind of shocked watching the show to see the preconceptions people still have about spousal abuse but felt the prosecutors should know better, likely DID know better but used it cruelly to make a jury think the way they ended up thinking. I shouldn't be, though; unless people have lived through this kind of experience they really never know. If the prosecutor/s knew, they should be bloody ashamed as all hell but they probably aren't. And if they didn't know, they need educating.

How many of you have chosen not to go to the police about this issue, or weren't able to, or did but the police were powerless to do much at all about it leaving you exposed to further violence or other punishment? For me, after many years and an event involving my youngest, i was able to reach out to police. On an escalation they were able to arrest him but not for long, even persuading a few of them that he was a poor misunderstood victim of love. *gags* BUT that was the last time he physically assaulted me... did other shit, but the physical violence stopped.

 

[coati]

Butters, your story is a cautionary tale for anyone in an abusive relationship. I am so glad you were able to extricate yourself from that situation. It must be an enormous relief to find a way out, but I understand why you have to keep looking over your shoulder.

I think about how these abusive domestic relationships are similar to the politics of autocrats.

 

[butters]

Butters, your story is a cautionary tale for anyone in an abusive relationship. I am so glad you were able to extricate yourself from that situation. It must be an enormous relief to find a way out, but I understand why you have to keep looking over your shoulder.

I think about how these abusive domestic relationships are similar to the politics of autocrats.

thanks, coati, but i'm fine and have been for a long time now. Living on another continent helps but this isn't about me: it's about the pre or misconceptions people still have regarding abuse and how the abuser presents themselves to others.

put yourself in place of one of those jurors in the second case: what would your impression be of the prosecutors and witnesses' arguments that they never saw signs of physical violence or saw her behaving scared of him? would you have automatically assumed that made him the good guy being portrayed and her a liar? I honestly think it's hard for those who've not personally been involved with a story of abuse ( as the abused, a friend or family member of the abused) to understand the realities involved.

Shame (for 'letting this happen' and still being a part of the relationship) & fear for others (children, especially) can make a person behave exactly as she did in public, denial by behaviour vital to making things stay smooth. It makes one a liar and bolsters the claims of those saying the "abuser" wasn't capable of such things.

It goes against the grain for me to be anything other than truthful, so the years i spent where he made me a liar (for all the kinds of reasons listed and including not placing anyone else in danger of being on his radar) made it imperative for me to never lie again. It's a deliberate choice i have kept to, true to who i am, and will continue to do so and expect the same from others.

 

[coati]

thanks, coati, but i'm fine and have been for a long time now. Living on another continent helps but this isn't about me: it's about the pre or misconceptions people still have regarding abuse and how the abuser presents themselves to others.

put yourself in place of one of those jurors in the second case: what would your impression be of the prosecutors and witnesses' arguments that they never saw signs of physical violence or saw her behaving scared of him? would you have automatically assumed that made him the good guy being portrayed and her a liar? I honestly think it's hard for those who've not personally been involved with a story of abuse ( as the abused, a friend or family member of the abused) to understand the realities involved.

Shame (for 'letting this happen' and still being a part of the relationship) & fear for others (children, especially) can make a person behave exactly as she did in public, denial by behaviour vital to making things stay smooth. It makes one a liar and bolsters the claims of those saying the "abuser" wasn't capable of such things.

It goes against the grain for me to be anything other than truthful, so the years i spent where he made me a liar (for all the kinds of reasons listed and including not placing anyone else in danger of being on his radar) made it imperative for me to never lie again. It's a deliberate choice i have kept to, true to who i am, and will continue to do so and expect the same from others.

I have some experience with those realities. I was subjected to intense gaslighting in an oppressive social situation earlier in my life. I separated totally from it in order to recover, and to this day people involved in that oppressive situation keep trying to rewrite history.

This is why I draw parallels between domestic abuse and the MAGA movement. Control freaks care about one thing, power over others, and they will lie and cheat to hang on to power.