Sexual needs and how to get them.

[hulmule]

Having one of those days. My sexual needs are high and not getting fulfilled. In a sexless marriage and having a hard time with it today. Dealing with it for years but bad day today. So please a little help.
I'm an attractive guy, keep myself in shape, and can tell more if want to know PM me. So wife has been in menopause for years, depression meds for 20+ years. So she was never a fireball in the bedroom. I myself look at sexual needs as a pleasure, enjoyment, release and way to enjoy each other's bodies, close time together. I love that there are ladies on Lit that are big, small, tall, short doesnt matter and are in touch with their bodies , relaxed about sex and enjoy themselves. Every time i try to bring up the subject it gets bad...
So , what do i do with my sexual energy? I come on Lit, but i'm getting burned out. Want more , need more. I try just to rub wife's back etc and no sexual moves. But she doesnt even want to return that much. Doesnt like to kiss or hug much. I could go more into detail later. So is there anything i can do to, make her time better? my time better? Dont show her my sexual desires and maybe she'll want some then? So this is a start, little help and some ideas. Thanks Have a great weekend !

 

[policywank]

As I am sure most people will say, communication is key. But what to do when your partner is not receptive?

I think that sex has come to occupy a place in many women's minds whereby both partners must be in the mood to engage. If she isn't in the mood that is what must prevail and it is incumbent upon the husband to just live with it. He is not entitled to expect anything at all, which is kind of a reaction to historically misogynist attitudes that swung in the opposite direction of women being a possession and obliged to cater to their husband.

It is useful to try to strip that away and come to neutral ground. In my mind sex is an integral part of marriage. We aren't obliged to do whatever our partner wants but we are obliged to accommodate one another. If you decided to quit your job and sit on the sofa eating Cheetos all day your wife would be entitled to say "hey we need to talk about this as you aren't holding up your end here." There is no reason that sex should be exempt from the same sort of accommodation. Whatever happens you should be able to talk about it. A lot of times the other party will just want to avoid the topic or cast it in the light that you can't force her to do anything. In my experience the best counter to that is to take the view that you aren't trying to compel any outcome. You just want to tell her how you feel - and the critical part here is that you aren't trying to characterize the situation, suggest outcomes or anything like that with which she can disagree. All you are doing is expressing your feelings which by definition are intrinsically valid.

This is critical because you need to make sure she opens her mind to the validity of your feelings. She can choose to ignore them. But keep bringing her back to the premise that she can't deny them because she has no say in how you feel any more than you do in how she feels. Gently and diplomatically you can say that you feel sexually unfulfilled, sex is an integral part of marriage and she isn't holding up her end of the bargain. Don't insist on anything or speculate why this is happening, but don't allow her to pretend this isn't the case. Just like if you are unemployed and eating Cheetos on the sofa - it may not be helpful for her to criticize or send out resumes on your behalf, but it is perfectly reasonable that she would sit down with you and gently say "hey this isn't good enough for us. Even if you are there because you are deeply depressed or other valid reasons it is still valid for your partner to say ok how can we work on this because you sitting here until the bank foreclose on the house isn't viable. Likewise and endlessly sexless marriage where the other partner isn't even trying to address the matter is unfair....and saying so is fair game.

I think that often when we choose to disregard our partner's feelings we justify it to ourselves on the basis that their feelings aren't valid. Once you establish the premise that your feelings are intrinsically valid and it is entirely inappropriate to suggest otherwise the narrative changes. She can choose to ignore you feelings even open she recognizes them but that is much more difficult to do and most partners will at least start to think more openly about the matter.

 

[Bbl87]

As I am sure most people will say, communication is key. But what to do when your partner is not receptive?

I think that sex has come to occupy a place in many women's minds whereby both partners must be in the mood to engage. If she isn't in the mood that is what must prevail and it is incumbent upon the husband to just live with it. He is not entitled to expect anything at all, which is kind of a reaction to historically misogynist attitudes that swung in the opposite direction of women being a possession and obliged to cater to their husband.

It is useful to try to strip that away and come to neutral ground. In my mind sex is an integral part of marriage. We aren't obliged to do whatever our partner wants but we are obliged to accommodate one another. If you decided to quit your job and sit on the sofa eating Cheetos all day your wife would be entitled to say "hey we need to talk about this as you aren't holding up your end here." There is no reason that sex should be exempt from the same sort of accommodation. Whatever happens you should be able to talk about it. A lot of times the other party will just want to avoid the topic or cast it in the light that you can't force her to do anything. In my experience the best counter to that is to take the view that you aren't trying to compel any outcome. You just want to tell her how you feel - and the critical part here is that you aren't trying to characterize the situation, suggest outcomes or anything like that with which she can disagree. All you are doing is expressing your feelings which by definition are intrinsically valid.

This is critical because you need to make sure she opens her mind to the validity of your feelings. She can choose to ignore them. But keep bringing her back to the premise that she can't deny them because she has no say in how you feel any more than you do in how she feels. Gently and diplomatically you can say that you feel sexually unfulfilled, sex is an integral part of marriage and she isn't holding up her end of the bargain. Don't insist on anything or speculate why this is happening, but don't allow her to pretend this isn't the case. Just like if you are unemployed and eating Cheetos on the sofa - it may not be helpful for her to criticize or send out resumes on your behalf, but it is perfectly reasonable that she would sit down with you and gently say "hey this isn't good enough for us. Even if you are there because you are deeply depressed or other valid reasons it is still valid for your partner to say ok how can we work on this because you sitting here until the bank foreclose on the house isn't viable. Likewise and endlessly sexless marriage where the other partner isn't even trying to address the matter is unfair....and saying so is fair game.

I think that often when we choose to disregard our partner's feelings we justify it to ourselves on the basis that their feelings aren't valid. Once you establish the premise that your feelings are intrinsically valid and it is entirely inappropriate to suggest otherwise the narrative changes. She can choose to ignore you feelings even open she recognizes them but that is much more difficult to do and most partners will at least start to think more openly about the matter.

Lots of good insight here.

I will just emphasize that for anything to improve, she does need to be invested in the process. That has been my difficulty thus far in my marriage, getting my wife invested in improving our sex life. At this point, for her, it's not an issue she cares about so she doesn't feel the need to invest time in addressing it. Our marriage is not as "sexless" as others, but it is enough so that I am not satisfied with the status quo. Buy-in is key.

 

[hulmule]

As I am sure most people will say, communication is key. But what to do when your partner is not receptive?

I think that sex has come to occupy a place in many women's minds whereby both partners must be in the mood to engage. If she isn't in the mood that is what must prevail and it is incumbent upon the husband to just live with it. He is not entitled to expect anything at all, which is kind of a reaction to historically misogynist attitudes that swung in the opposite direction of women being a possession and obliged to cater to their husband.

It is useful to try to strip that away and come to neutral ground. In my mind sex is an integral part of marriage. We aren't obliged to do whatever our partner wants but we are obliged to accommodate one another. If you decided to quit your job and sit on the sofa eating Cheetos all day your wife would be entitled to say "hey we need to talk about this as you aren't holding up your end here." There is no reason that sex should be exempt from the same sort of accommodation. Whatever happens you should be able to talk about it. A lot of times the other party will just want to avoid the topic or cast it in the light that you can't force her to do anything. In my experience the best counter to that is to take the view that you aren't trying to compel any outcome. You just want to tell her how you feel - and the critical part here is that you aren't trying to characterize the situation, suggest outcomes or anything like that with which she can disagree. All you are doing is expressing your feelings which by definition are intrinsically valid.

This is critical because you need to make sure she opens her mind to the validity of your feelings. She can choose to ignore them. But keep bringing her back to the premise that she can't deny them because she has no say in how you feel any more than you do in how she feels. Gently and diplomatically you can say that you feel sexually unfulfilled, sex is an integral part of marriage and she isn't holding up her end of the bargain. Don't insist on anything or speculate why this is happening, but don't allow her to pretend this isn't the case. Just like if you are unemployed and eating Cheetos on the sofa - it may not be helpful for her to criticize or send out resumes on your behalf, but it is perfectly reasonable that she would sit down with you and gently say "hey this isn't good enough for us. Even if you are there because you are deeply depressed or other valid reasons it is still valid for your partner to say ok how can we work on this because you sitting here until the bank foreclose on the house isn't viable. Likewise and endlessly sexless marriage where the other partner isn't even trying to address the matter is unfair....and saying so is fair game.

I think that often when we choose to disregard our partner's feelings we justify it to ourselves on the basis that their feelings aren't valid. Once you establish the premise that your feelings are intrinsically valid and it is entirely inappropriate to suggest otherwise the narrative changes. She can choose to ignore you feelings even open she recognizes them but that is much more difficult to do and most partners will at least start to think more openly about the matter.

Thank you for a great reply and taking time to do so. Yea we or should I say, bring it up and she gets upset about talking about again. I can't help I'm amorous. She should be happy I want her vs watch football. Oh well just had to vent. Wish I could find a happy medium

 

[hulmule]

Yes, trying to find the correct buttons to push for it to happen. Wish we had friends that could give good input to maybe see it just isn't us.

Lots of good insight here.

I will just emphasize that for anything to improve, she does need to be invested in the process. That has been my difficulty thus far in my marriage, getting my wife invested in improving our sex life. At this point, for her, it's not an issue she cares about so she doesn't feel the need to invest time in addressing it. Our marriage is not as "sexless" as others, but it is enough so that I am not satisfied with the status quo. Buy-in is key.

 

[policywank]

Lots of good insight here.

I will just emphasize that for anything to improve, she does need to be invested in the process. That has been my difficulty thus far in my marriage, getting my wife invested in improving our sex life. At this point, for her, it's not an issue she cares about so she doesn't feel the need to invest time in addressing it. Our marriage is not as "sexless" as others, but it is enough so that I am not satisfied with the status quo. Buy-in is key.

I think that you are correct. Ideally buy-in is something that she readily embraces. But if not, it can be necessary to honestly and diplomatically put forward the premise that buy-in to the matters that are truly important to our partner is integral to marriage. It is important to talk about what that means. What are the matters for which you have real obligations to one another and not being interested is not an adequate rationale for not holding up your end of the bargain?

For me sex is one of those items. That doesn't mean my partner needs to feel the same way. But if he didn't I would challenge him on that and ask him why he thinks this is one of those things he can just opt out of without regard for my perspective.

 

[policywank]

Yes, trying to find the correct buttons to push for it to happen. Wish we had friends that could give good input to maybe see it just isn't us.

That could help. Although I personally have always felt that this is the type of topic where it is important to establish the premise that what matters in your relationship is only what the two of you think. The input of others can often go the other way. If lots of other couples have seen their sex lives fade, especially older couples, is that a rationale for yours to do likewise. I think it more effective to take the view that the only thing that matters is what the two spouses think and you both need to get invested in respecting the other's viewpoint.

 

[hulmule]

That could help. Although I personally have always felt that this is the type of topic where it is important to establish the premise that what matters in your relationship is only what the two of you think. The input of others can often go the other way. If lots of other couples have seen their sex lives fade, especially older couples, is that a rationale for yours to do likewise. I think it more effective to take the view that the only thing that matters is what the two spouses think and you both need to get invested in respecting the other's viewpoint.

Not to discuss our issues, but sometimes topics pop up, not even sexual and see that things are pretty good. But yes it s a topic I've tried to deal with for years. Just had to vent today. Thanks for input and listening to me vent. ❤

 

[Bbl87]

Yes, trying to find the correct buttons to push for it to happen. Wish we had friends that could give good input to maybe see it just isn't us.

Ya, having a neutral outside observer would be great. Because I know I'm not perfect and I'm sure I'm not perfect in this dynamic either.

Ours generally devolves into "Just do more around the house, then I won't be so tired," and no matter how much I add to what I do, it doesn't change things. Tiredness, at least from my observation, isn't the primary issue. It's part of it, but it's a more complex problem.

The last time we tried to address it, she committed to trying to increase our non-sexual touching and planned "date nights" to get her more comfortable with touching and to give us something to look forward to. Both have kind of fallen through, but I'm at least taking some positives from the fact that she actually proposed some ideas to work on things and acknowledged my issues as valid. Gotta focus on the positives and try to build on them.

 

[Lady2020]

I think the reality is that there are partners who aren't going to change their low sexual drive/needs and the other partner has to learn to live with it or move on.

 

[policywank]

I think the reality is that there are partners who aren't going to change their low sexual drive/needs and the other partner has to learn to live with it or move on.

I don't think that there is much one can do to change one's actual sex drive. But as with so many things in life and marriage it is not unreasonable to expect a spouse to put forth an effort and maybe meet in the middle somewhere. They shouldn't have to fake interest. But I have never quite understood why sex - unlike so many other aspects of our relationships - should be the one area where "because I don't feel like it" is somehow an adequate reason for not holding up your end of the bargain.

 

[Lady2020]

I don't think that there is much one can do to change one's actual sex drive. But as with so many things in life and marriage it is not unreasonable to expect a spouse to put forth an effort and maybe meet in the middle somewhere. They shouldn't have to fake interest. But I have never quite understood why sex - unlike so many other aspects of our relationships - should be the one area where "because I don't feel like it" is somehow an adequate reason for not holding up your end of the bargain.

I agree with most of what you're saying. I think a libido can be accelerated if one has enough motive. I think the days where women thought they did their time is archaic. My mother thought she did her time with raising kids so she let everyone know her grandparent time would be very limited. She took the same approach with my father. She made it personal to all of her kids. If he wasn't so awful, she wouldn't have to cut him off and sleep in a separate bedroom. The thing is he wasn't awful and her quirks, which were more unbearable at times, were exonerated, she thought, by her religious beliefs.

 

[policywank]

I agree with most of what you're saying. I think a libido can be accelerated if one has enough motive. I think the days where women thought they did their time is archaic. My mother thought she did her time with raising kids so she let everyone know her grandparent time would be very limited. She took the same approach with my father. She made it personal to all of her kids. If he wasn't so awful, she wouldn't have to cut him off and sleep in a separate bedroom. The thing is he wasn't awful and her quirks, which were more unbearable at times, were exonerated, she thought, by her religious beliefs.

Yes I think that when it comes to sex we often justify our perspective based upon an outside set of beliefs. Religious beliefs is probably the most prevalent, but societal expectations and what everybody else does are often reference points. I find that a bit problematic. I see the marital compact as being solely between the two parties to the marriage. In principal outside opinions shouldn't matter and certainly shouldn't be justification to violate that compact. Although if you went into the marriage knowing the other person had a certain set of religious beliefs that would lead them to certain behaviour arguably that is part of the compact too.

I think one can probably improve the libido with some attention and I'd rather not think in terms of any of sex being an obligation, but I don't feel as though I can entirely shut it out. I have made the comment on Lit before about trimming the hedges. My husband hates trimming the hedges. Thankfully it is a once a year thing. But it is hours of back breaking work and the one chore that he just fucking hates doing. In fact, if it were up to him he would just let them grow and not give a shit how it looks. But I like the garden trimmed nicely so he does it - without complaint - for me. Now how can I justify expecting that of him but can't bring myself to spend a few minutes sucking his dick when he is done because I am not in the mood? That seems crazy to me.

 

[Hipshot1554]

I think the reality is that there are partners who aren't going to change their low sexual drive/needs and the other partner has to learn to live with it or move on.

Sad, but true...

 

[PMarky2]

I know this is no comfort, but welcome to 'The Stranded Club.' Sometimes knowing you have a little company in the misery helps. I have the really bad days when I am so unhinged due to lack of sex that I wish my wife would die so that I could move on and build a life and a family with someone else.

 

[Bbl87]

I think one can probably improve the libido with some attention and I'd rather not think in terms of any of sex being an obligation, but I don't feel as though I can entirely shut it out. I have made the comment on Lit before about trimming the hedges. My husband hates trimming the hedges. Thankfully it is a once a year thing. But it is hours of back breaking work and the one chore that he just fucking hates doing. In fact, if it were up to him he would just let them grow and not give a shit how it looks. But I like the garden trimmed nicely so he doesn't - without complaint - for me. Now how can I justify expecting that of him but can't bring myself to spend a few minutes sucking his dick when he is done because I am not in the mood? That seems crazy to me.

I like your analogy. It's something that's kinda sorta come up in our many "discussions" about frequency of sex and so on.

I don't do household chores to get sex, it's not a quid pro quo thing and I don't want it to be. But the common refrain when we discuss my unhappiness with frequency is I just need to do more around the house so she isn't so tired, then it'll happen more. But, when I do and it doesn't help, it's hard to get motivated to do all the additional things I'm supposed to take on.

I don't want sex to be an obligation, but I do think if you enter into a monogamous relationship, be it a marriage or other arrangement, there is a certain level of caring you should have for your partner's happiness and part of that is with the sexual relationship. Some might say that's an "obligation" but I think it's just part of a loving relationship.

I'm at a point myself where I want a satisfying sexual relationship with my wife, and only with her, but if things don't improve I'm also open to the idea of looking elsewhere, though I don't think she'd agree to that.

 

[hulmule]

In a discussion that got heated with my wife she said "just go get it taken care of" Well love my wife i want her ..But if it doesnt happen ive done that and had my relief but not the same. Things come natural to me. Caring, affection and just thinking of someone else. Dont think sometimes its in my wife's makeup. But i have to ask her to rub my back or touch me. Not just for sex but to be touched. So many great replies, glad to see this popped up and we have discussion going. Give me faith to try and open a discussion with my wife again and try to think of ways to get closer. Thanks

 

[stretchncatch]

Having one of those days. My sexual needs are high and not getting fulfilled. In a sexless marriage and having a hard time with it today. Dealing with it for years but bad day today. So please a little help.
I'm an attractive guy, keep myself in shape, and can tell more if want to know PM me. So wife has been in menopause for years, depression meds for 20+ years. So she was never a fireball in the bedroom. I myself look at sexual needs as a pleasure, enjoyment, release and way to enjoy each other's bodies, close time together. I love that there are ladies on Lit that are big, small, tall, short doesnt matter and are in touch with their bodies , relaxed about sex and enjoy themselves. Every time i try to bring up the subject it gets bad...
So , what do i do with my sexual energy? I come on Lit, but i'm getting burned out. Want more , need more. I try just to rub wife's back etc and no sexual moves. But she doesnt even want to return that much. Doesnt like to kiss or hug much. I could go more into detail later. So is there anything i can do to, make her time better? my time better? Dont show her my sexual desires and maybe she'll want some then? So this is a start, little help and some ideas. Thanks Have a great weekend !

Your marriage deserves help from a psychiatrist or counselor who can act as objective observer. A sexless marriage is basically a broken marriage. You deserve to enjoy sex. Someday you may find yourself unable to enjoy sex for physical reasons. The time to address this is NOW! I wish you well. Your wife may be embarrassed about her weight or self confidence, etc. You MUST get this obstacle out of the way. You being really honest about what turns you on and communicating this to her, would be a good start. Good Luck!

 

[hulmule]

Your marriage deserves help from a psychiatrist or counselor who can act as objective observer. A sexless marriage is basically a broken marriage. You deserve to enjoy sex. Someday you may find yourself unable to enjoy sex for physical reasons. The time to address this is NOW! I wish you well. Your wife may be embarrassed about her weight or self confidence, etc. You MUST get this obstacle out of the way. You being really honest about what turns you on and communicating this to her, would be a good start. Good Luck!

Thank you for your reply

 

[policywank]

I like your analogy. It's something that's kinda sorta come up in our many "discussions" about frequency of sex and so on.

I don't do household chores to get sex, it's not a quid pro quo thing and I don't want it to be. But the common refrain when we discuss my unhappiness with frequency is I just need to do more around the house so she isn't so tired, then it'll happen more. But, when I do and it doesn't help, it's hard to get motivated to do all the additional things I'm supposed to take on.

I don't want sex to be an obligation, but I do think if you enter into a monogamous relationship, be it a marriage or other arrangement, there is a certain level of caring you should have for your partner's happiness and part of that is with the sexual relationship. Some might say that's an "obligation" but I think it's just part of a loving relationship.

I'm at a point myself where I want a satisfying sexual relationship with my wife, and only with her, but if things don't improve I'm also open to the idea of looking elsewhere, though I don't think she'd agree to that.

There are all kinds of scenarios where the burdens of life make it difficult to carve out time for sex. Chores, work, kids, extended family obligations, etc. can all tire us out and make us a less energetic or enthusiastic about sex. But the premise that if a husband relieved his wife of more of those duties she would be more engaged in sex suggests that not being in the mood is adequate reason to disregard your partner's sexual needs. I disagree with that.

If he isn't pulling his weight so to speak I might be a bit more inclined to feel that he is partly responsible for me being too tired and disinterested in sex and suggest maybe he can help remedy the situation. Or for that matter if there is anything else he can do to motivate me I would share that as well. But the premise that it is up to him to get me in the mood absent which I am entitled to ignore his needs is flawed in my mind.

I have told the story here of a friend of mine a few years ago who's husband cheated on her. She was very upset and doing the rounds looking for sympathy. When we talked I probed as to what their sex life was like. It turned out that pretty much ever since they'd had children 20 years prior their sex life was close to non-existent. At any given point over that period there were circumstances that looked at on their own could be seen to justify a reduced interest in sex. But taken all together there was a pattern of making excuses for not making an effort. She wasn't very happy with me when I started making such points. I think the thing is that life always presents an excuse if you are looking for it and often there is a way to rekindle things if you really make an effort. That can't always happen and obviously there are times it won't work out. But it isn't likely that circumstance have just conspired against you for 20 years running.

 

[Bbl87]

I have told the story here of a friend of mine a few years ago who's husband cheated on her. She was very upset and doing the rounds looking for sympathy. When we talked I probed as to what their sex life was like. It turned out that pretty much ever since they'd had children 20 years prior their sex life was close to non-existent. At any given point over that period there were circumstances that looked at on their own could be seen to justify a reduced interest in sex. But taken all together there was a pattern of making excuses for not making an effort. She wasn't very happy with me when I started making such points. I think the thing is that life always presents an excuse if you are looking for it and often there is a way to rekindle things if you really make an effort. That can't always happen and obviously there are times it won't work out. But it isn't likely that circumstance have just conspired against you for 20 years running.

You basically hit the nail on the head for us as well. Though I haven't brought myself to cheat, yet.

 

[KatieDoes]

I know this is no comfort, but welcome to 'The Stranded Club.' Sometimes knowing you have a little company in the misery helps. I have the really bad days when I am so unhinged due to lack of sex that I wish my wife would die so that I could move on and build a life and a family with someone else.

How shocking that your wife doesn’t desire physical intimacy with you. Astounding, even.

 

[Diosax]

So everyone is just gonna ignore what a disgusting and fucked up comment this is??

I know this is no comfort, but welcome to 'The Stranded Club.' Sometimes knowing you have a little company in the misery helps. I have the really bad days when I am so unhinged due to lack of sex that I wish my wife would die so that I could move on and build a life and a family with someone else.

I really wish most of you could see how out of touch you look saying half the things you say.

 

[Bbl87]

I really wish most of you could see how out of touch you look saying half the things you say.

Hey now, don't go lumping everyone in...

 

[PMarky2]

So everyone is just gonna ignore what a disgusting and fucked up comment this is??



I really wish most of you could see how out of touch you look saying half the things you say.

Quite a bit of context missing here. Most of the time the missus and I rub along OK. However, she has a number of medical issues, and they have altered her personality. She has commented with some regularity that suicide or euthanasia would be preferable to what she has to go through week-by-week, day-by-day. This week has been pretty typical. Her big achievement of the week so far was managing to do a load of washing today. She has not dressed or gone out of the house since Friday. We have been dealing with this for four years, we are both exhausted, and we both get a little twisted and bitter sometimes. Occasionally, the self-censorship slips.