My first story, 'The Princess and the Ladies'

[MissAllison]

Hey everyone!

I took long enough, but here's my first piece of erotic writing. It's called 'The Princess and the Ladies,' and I put it in the group sex category but maybe should have put it in the lesbian category. It's pretty weird. Let me know what you think!!

 

[NotWise]

Hey everyone!

I took long enough, but here's my first piece of erotic writing. It's called 'The Princess and the Ladies,' and I put it in the group sex category but maybe should have put it in the lesbian category. It's pretty weird. Let me know what you think!!

I read the story and left a comment. I look forward to more from you. Your story and writing style kept me interested all the way through, which rarely happens.

You don't really need to change anything, but with more experience you might find a different balance of visual description and action. You might also find ways around the many "ings" (gerunds and participles) that become a little repetitive in places. Last, you could use a more direct wording in some sentences, so you don't offset a clause at the end of a sentence that could be placed at the beginning.

Did you do the editing yourself? If so, you did a very good job. The only thing that caught my attention was when you used "beret" (a hat) when you probably meant "barette."

Edit: There was another little issue in the story that I'll point out, but it only knocked me out of the flow for a second. The women rubbed themselves and each other down with coconut oil, some of which was squeezed from bottles. Coconut oil is actually a waxy solid at room temperature and has to be warmed up quite a bit to be fluid.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Edit: There was another little issue in the story that I'll point out, but it only knocked me out of the flow for a second. The women rubbed themselves and each other down with coconut oil, some of which was squeezed from bottles. Coconut oil is actually a waxy solid at room temperature and has to be warmed up quite a bit to be fluid.

Coconut oil is quite commonly used as the base for moisturizers and sun creams (certainly here in Oz), which would have been the meaning intended, I think, rather than your more literal reading. Most folk wouldn't blink at that.

 

[MissAllison]

No he's right, coconut oil is typically pretty solid at normal room temp or colder. I didn't mention that. We heat it up pretty hot before we play in the cooler months so it's still clear liquid when we finally use it and 'Laura' did that ahead of time that night. We also keep the room fairly hot in the fall and winter. In the summer it's always just liquid. I actually don't even know the 'melting' point. I'd guess when it's over 80 degrees, it becomes a liquid? 90? Good point though. Should be addressed.

So for instance I keep it around wherever I'm living. In NYC it's liquid for most of the summer. In LA, where I'm living most of the time now, it's liquid during the day and solidifies during the night due to the low temps. It doesn't take much heat to liquify but now I'm curious.

 

[SimonDoom]

Congratulations on publishing your first story.

I haven't read it yet, but I read the first few paragraphs, and you start well. You don't start with a big long info dump. You start by jumping into the scene of women going to do something that sounds sexy, but also mysterious, so you give the reader reason to keep reading. I also want to know what "flickle" means.

 

[yukonnights]

Good question Simon. It's a new one for me too. Unfortunately, seems that according to Urban Dictionary there's more than one meaning — so we're not much better off than before.

Urban Dictionary says;

1. Flickle
When someone confused about their feelings for someone else ends up flirting on-and-off sporadically. > Jenny was just flickle and couldn't figure out if she liked Norman or not. She'd flirt with him one day and ignore him the next.

2. flickle
To tease (or tickle) the clitoris. The word is derived from three words; tickle, finger, and fickle (because whilst teasing the clitoris, one can not be completely devoted to penetrating the vagina). I flickled her all night long.

 

[NotWise]

No he's right, coconut oil is typically pretty solid at normal room temp or colder. I didn't mention that. We heat it up pretty hot before we play in the cooler months so it's still clear liquid when we finally use it and 'Laura' did that ahead of time that night. We also keep the room fairly hot in the fall and winter. In the summer it's always just liquid. I actually don't even know the 'melting' point. I'd guess when it's over 80 degrees, it becomes a liquid? 90? Good point though. Should be addressed.

So for instance I keep it around wherever I'm living. In NYC it's liquid for most of the summer. In LA, where I'm living most of the time now, it's liquid during the day and solidifies during the night due to the low temps. It doesn't take much heat to liquify but now I'm curious.

It melts at 78F, so it'll be liquid in a room at 80F.

 

[yowser]

It really is an extraordinary piece. I read it through (about the only criticism I have, which I have for most of what is here on Lit applies here as well: too long, it could be shortened by at least twenty percent and still be just as good) and the effect is engaging and surreal. In my public comment on it, I said it reminded me of a blend of 'porn, LSD, and Campfire Girls.'

It is a style that may be hard to develop, not sure it is sustainable, but the pacing, developing the reader interest (what will all those strange code words mean?), wondering how it all will turn out - all of this is handled marvelously well.

Pray continue....

 

[JackBellend41]

Hi MissAllison,

Congrats on posting you first work! Although not, erotically speaking, my cup of tea, I enjoyed the read. You have a nice, easy way with words and kept it suspenseful enough that I wanted to know what happened next. Really not an easy thing to accomplish in an erotic short story.

I think the only criticism I have is the detail of the clothes. It slowed your work down, and then they almost immediately shed them. Maybe your intention was to show the characters of the women through their dress, but it was unneeded imo.

Looking forward to hearing more about your 23rd b-day!

Jack

 

[jsmiam]

Nicely done. I confess I stopped at page 1 but I may be back.

End of feedback
…..

Only since you asked though, and only since it’s good enough to be worthy of nitpicking, I thought this:
- If I counted how many times “weird” appeared , probably too many. Although you yourself anointed yourself weird. So maybe it’s ok for you.

- Millenial terminology - am I right that you’re in your early twenties? The thirty and forty something aged characters occasionally used terms that sounded a bit out of place for their ages. (Not the special plot line related words, but during normal dialogue.

- too much buildup? I’ll phrase this as a question rather than a feedback point. For example, what made me stop at page one? For me it was getting to the bottom of page 1, still waiting for the real story to get going, seeing 4 more pages and saying “hmm.“

Again, back to the top. Most of the feedback here seems consistent. Nice work, and if it weren’t good, we wouldn’t have bothered to nitpick.

 

[MissAllison]

yukonnights:

I made that word up to replace the actual nonsense word they use, I'm pretty sure it's some kind of tickle / surprise cute thing they do. Interesting that it's already a word!

yowser:

Thanks! Wow, extraordinary? That's very kind. It is too long, I just couldn't kill some things. I know that this is a kind of story you really can't continue on with the suspense part now revealed, so yeah, don't know where to go from here.

JackBellend41:
I hear you about the clothes. When I got to that part I felt like I was trapped in quicksand a little bit, and I tried to delete it, but I just love describing what girls are wearing. It's definitely a problem.

jsmiam:
Right, I should have hit the thesaurus a bit with 'weird.' I do try to do that-find words I've used too many times and play around with them, but I overlooked that one. I'm almost 30, but the millennial terminology was a very conscious choice. I wanted Laurel especially to come off as strangely trying too hard to seem younger than she is. But you didn't pick up on that, so that's something I could improve. And yes, I believe if you kept going, it starts gaining steam after page 1 haha.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read the story, then taking more time to give me some of your thoughts! On to my next one... if I can think of something!

Ally