Sexless Marriages

[theqbehindtheq]

Relationships don't have much in common with boardgames but you do have to know when it's your move. I forget this sometimes and rely on her to make the first move. I imagine that's because of the previous rejection.

Also, some women don't always know what they want until they experience it. Others know what they want and are not always comfortable sharing. They would much rather their hidden desires be discovered. Confessing them could end in rejection. Some women can be quite paradoxical in nature. I suppose that is the very quality I most enjoy. The journey into her mind is most exciting.

 

[Breakerhymen]

It’s Wrong Mrs. Wrong!

Im there too. My husband has no interest in sex, and its all I think about! Its been a few years now where I only touch myself!

Sadly that’s so wrong Mrs. Wrong.....pun intended in an attempt at levity. What kind of communication do you have regarding your unmet desires and needs!

 

[Docg915]

Arguing all weekend with my husband and trying to explain I don’t feel seen...he doesn’t see me sexually anymore, I’m just his wife who takes care of everything. And then I receive a message from a friend...and I share it with my husband hoping he’ll understand what I mean when I say I wished he really saw me! His response....”I guess.” How can someone I’ve never met, who live thousands of miles away see me better than the man I’ve lived with for 23 years?

I can relate. It seems as though I just go through the motions lately. Then the tension builds and the argument starts. Nothing changes. Chillygirl, believe me you are not to blame. I would share whiskey and bad decisions with you anytime! It feels like being that unused small appliance on the counter. You hope you are remembered and get played with from time to time, but you only get pushed further back for something more important.
D

 

[callmeismael]

While struggling with my wife's loss of sexual desire, one of the questions that I'm rolling around in my mind is why being sexually desired is such an important part of my ego. It's definitely not about how often I'm having sex. I can get by with only very occasional sex as long as I feel desired, while more frequent sex that feels like it's only for my benefit is less satisfying. While I'll always be deeply sexual, I'd like to get to the point where my mood is never dependent on anyone else's opinion about me that I can't control.
One strategy I'm working on is that focusing on myself physically (things like fitness, diet, athletic hobbies, etc.) makes me feel good about myself and less dependent on feeling desired, though I've lost that focus somewhat during the pandemic. I'm going to give that side of myself a big push this spring and get back into great shape.

So I'm curious to hear, what strategies have others in this situation tried that are focused more on helping yourself get to a better mental space, as opposed to strategies that are about changing your partner's behaviour?

 

[Frustratedbutfascinated]

So reading some of your stories has me decided to share something that really got to me this week.

Some background, have a 4 year old, since she was pregnant, wife has effectively no libido, like about once every six months. She has never been into oral or hjs, so don't have that as an alternative outlet. In January watching a movie with the kiddo on the laptop, noticed a bunch of discord notifications because she left herself logged in. She was talking to a coworker about sexting her old boss and that she felt I wasn't attracted to her anymore, which blew my mind since on average she has to tell me "not in the mood" a couple of times a week, so I felt it was very obvious I was attracted to her, but oh well. So she comes home and we talk about it. It didn't bother me, because to me her being sexually happy is important, so I don't mind if she does what she needs to do. We get along well, and are happily married other than the lack of physical intimacy. So she says I am "allowed to talk to someone else" but that she doesn't want to know about it. Ok, fair enough.

Fast forward to this week. I have been SUPER worked up and in the mood, even more than my normal pretty high libido. Wife comes into the room and mentions that she is going to take a shower, and in my, I am a horny idiot, think hey maybe that telling me is an invitation to come fool around in the shower a little. So I drop what I am doing, walk into the bathroom and take off my shirt. She looks at me, an annoyed/confused look on her face and says,

What are you doing here. . . I need you to not be touchy feely at me.

I was just gutted. Now part of that is I'm sure me just being over sensitive. But I was so used to the "no not in the mood" answer that the "don't touch me style response really hit me hard. Put my shirt on, left the room, and teared up a little. I know from the tone that she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, different vibe, but the just casual nature of it stung really badly for me. I want to feel attractive, I want to feel wanted and while I feel like a good partner, husband and dad most of the time, I want to feel like a sexual being sometimes to and I don't feel that way at all and haven't for so long. I guess it just boiled up and over this week for me.

Thanks for reading and sorry to dump all this at you guys.

 

[Marriedbutalone]

I have read through most of this thread now and I feel right at home.

I am fit, I am good looking, im funny, im charming. I deserve better

 

[Docg915]

So reading some of your stories has me decided to share something that really got to me this week.

Some background, have a 4 year old, since she was pregnant, wife has effectively no libido, like about once every six months. She has never been into oral or hjs, so don't have that as an alternative outlet. In January watching a movie with the kiddo on the laptop, noticed a bunch of discord notifications because she left herself logged in. She was talking to a coworker about sexting her old boss and that she felt I wasn't attracted to her anymore, which blew my mind since on average she has to tell me "not in the mood" a couple of times a week, so I felt it was very obvious I was attracted to her, but oh well. So she comes home and we talk about it. It didn't bother me, because to me her being sexually happy is important, so I don't mind if she does what she needs to do. We get along well, and are happily married other than the lack of physical intimacy. So she says I am "allowed to talk to someone else" but that she doesn't want to know about it. Ok, fair enough.

Fast forward to this week. I have been SUPER worked up and in the mood, even more than my normal pretty high libido. Wife comes into the room and mentions that she is going to take a shower, and in my, I am a horny idiot, think hey maybe that telling me is an invitation to come fool around in the shower a little. So I drop what I am doing, walk into the bathroom and take off my shirt. She looks at me, an annoyed/confused look on her face and says,

What are you doing here. . . I need you to not be touchy feely at me.

I was just gutted. Now part of that is I'm sure me just being over sensitive. But I was so used to the "no not in the mood" answer that the "don't touch me style response really hit me hard. Put my shirt on, left the room, and teared up a little. I know from the tone that she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings, different vibe, but the just casual nature of it stung really badly for me. I want to feel attractive, I want to feel wanted and while I feel like a good partner, husband and dad most of the time, I want to feel like a sexual being sometimes to and I don't feel that way at all and haven't for so long. I guess it just boiled up and over this week for me.

Thanks for reading and sorry to dump all this at you guys.

Dude, the last thing you need to do is apologize for getting something off your chest. Sometimes that's what you need to survive. This thread is full of people that can relate to your situation.

 

[Frustratedbutfascinated]

Dude, the last thing you need to do is apologize for getting something off your chest. Sometimes that's what you need to survive. This thread is full of people that can relate to your situation.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

 

[LustyScribe]

Thanks, I appreciate it.

He's right. You don't need to apologize to US; we're here to help each other.
And you sure as HELL don't owe her an apology of any kind. In fact, I think it would be healthy to let her know-in no uncertain terms-that you are tired of being an outsider in your own marriage. Ask her exactly what it is you've done that makes her feel justified in shutting you out. Make HER own up to it. Don't let your emotions-hurt or anger-get out of control. And don't do it in the bedroom. And if she doesn't honestly commit to the discussion, be prepared to walk away for a bit. Take a drive. Spend a night at a friend's house., or a hotel. Turn your phone off. Let her stew in it.
For a week, I have been quarantined with Covid, apart from my wife. In that time, I've gotten more sexual enjoyment out of writing stories and poetry for, and chatting thru PMs, with people on this board, especially THIS thread, than I have with her in the last 6 months. And I think they have, too. I'd honestly RATHER meet one of them for sex IRL than I would my own wife, I think. Probably never happen, but in the meantime, We.Have.Fun. So when she comes home, we're going to be having our own version of that talk.
You know...like it should be with a spouse.
At any rate, we ARE here for you. Good luck, however you choose to handle it.

 

[Showmewhatchugot84]

Sex is getting more and more infrequent with wife and i. Ive always been in to dirty chats and talks, and also exploring different kinks amd curiosites. My wofe has never enjoyed either. Which first led me to reqding stories on lit. I found the stories so much more hot then porn. As time went on i started looking at the personals. Ive had a few great connections over the years but nothing lasting. Nonetheless i find great thrill in chatting woth people and i. Getting to the point that it mqy be time for some reql life kinkiness

 

[talkeasy5813]

I miss affection, intimacy, sex and physical and verbal expressions of love so much it’s sometimes difficult to breathe.

 

[Leetypes]

Delete

.............

 

[mxg1072]

I miss affection, intimacy, sex and physical and verbal expressions of love so much it’s sometimes difficult to breathe.

So do I

I sent you a PM.

 

[RedJack81]

I miss affection, intimacy, sex and physical and verbal expressions of love so much it’s sometimes difficult to breathe.

I get this 100%

I want to feel wanted, desired...I want that feeling that someone just wants to be close to me again.

I'm fed up of being rebuked, almost looked at with disgust for any intimate advances.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

So do I

I sent you a PM.

You're different from those on this board, you're single, you have no restrictions (apart from Covid) on how you rectify your predicament. The world is your donut!

 

[RedJack81]

You're different from those on this board, you're single, you have no restrictions (apart from Covid) on how you rectify your predicament. The world is your donut!

Thanks Cherry, now I want a donut....

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Thanks Cherry, now I want a donut....

Will these help? No calories

https://i.gyazo.com/bd8e2da70806b133fbb15d389bc03086.png

 

[RedJack81]

Will these help? No calories

https://i.gyazo.com/bd8e2da70806b133fbb15d389bc03086.png

zero calroies in the centre....

In the UK we have a place called Donut Time....oh my, what I wouldn't give for one of those right now!

 

[hulmule]

I miss affection, intimacy, sex and physical and verbal expressions of love so much it’s sometimes difficult to breathe.

I know what you mean . I miss it also

 

[Mtnmike]

I miss affection, intimacy, sex and physical and verbal expressions of love so much it’s sometimes difficult to breathe.

In the same boat, to find a lady if just to talk or flirt would make life much better.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

I miss affection, intimacy, sex and physical and verbal expressions of love so much it’s sometimes difficult to breathe.

It's definitely the intimacy that's the biggest miss. Sex is sex, it can happen with a stranger and hit the right buttons. Intimacy is honesty and truth and giving and a different beast all together. Easy to lose and hard to find.

 

[kcpratt]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

I’m divorced, but when I was married, I definitely had this issue. Of course, it was a toxic and abusive marriage, so that’s probably where our situations differ, BUT it’s the same feeling of loneliness, lack of connection, and absence of affection.

 

[RedJack81]

I can only really go with my own experiences, as much as anyone can.

Like so many people, we started off great, exciting etc..

However, my wife has always had self-esteem issues, and were chose to go down the IVF route for children. I obviously adore them, they are my world, but the toll on our relationship has been huge and the scars may never heal.

We are different people, with different desires now, and these don't align.

The fact her body couldn't 'create' chrildren naturally (I am using expressions she used to try and explain to me) made her feel even worse about herself and she hated her body for failing her, and being one more thing she didn't like. In all honesty, there were days I thought I may come home to find she had taken her life, she was so very low.

The process of trying to conveive, firstly the 'on appointment' sex detracts from the spontanaeity and passion, and it became something functional and unenjoyable. Then, when IVF started, the hormone injections, waiting, finances and depression all came together to create a toxic environment.

We got through it, and had two children by IVF in the end.

However, the dark days of that time still haunt us both and she has yet to really rediscover her sex drive and I fear she never will.

This ties into what many people have said, is that the sexless part of a marriage is often a symptom, not the cause. I used to take it personally, and get angry. However, it took me a long time to understand, accept and appreciate that this wasn't her chosing this, and she couldn't help how she felt. She would like to have more desire, she has said so and I believe her, but her body and mind don't drive that way at the moment.

It all ties into other feelings from childhood and school of feeling inadequate etc.. and they are hard things to come up against.

Anyway, sorry for all the blurb....I didn't mean the post to be so long, bit of a mind dump!

Thats my story!

 

[Polranny]

It's definitely the intimacy that's the biggest miss. Sex is sex, it can happen with a stranger and hit the right buttons. Intimacy is honesty and truth and giving and a different beast all together. Easy to lose and hard to find.

So true, need i say more

 

[MorpheusLunar]

I miss affection, intimacy, sex and physical and verbal expressions of love so much it’s sometimes difficult to breathe.

So my wife does express affection, and she also extends expressions of love which are meaningful. I posted earlier and it was a little bit of a vomit session... sorry for it all, but what she is incapable of or unwilling to (connected together they are).. is being open sexually. She cannot speak about, share about is a sexuality other than in procreative terms. It is all a perversion. Quite the shits. She has not pursued her own pleasure with me but a few rare occasions in the last several years.