Sexless Marriages

[Frustratedbutfascinated]

I really hope this get better for the two of you. I mean that very sincerely.

 

[JK515914]

I am so very grateful to have found this thread. It helps to know that I am not the only one who feels the way I do.

I love my wife to bits, it's a privilege to be married to her in so many ways and there is no one I would rather spend the rest of my life with, even if it meant never having sex again. Fortunately, things are not quite that bad.

The problem is that she has a mental health condition which can sap her desire for all facets of life for weeks, even months, at a time.

I have addressed what I refer to as the "physical intimacy deficit" in my head with porn and junk food for years...obviously not the way to go, but advice is always easier to give than to take, unfortunately.

Anyway, I got my act back together over lockdown and I've lost about 60lbs so far. Guess what? My libido (which has never been low) has gone through the roof!

I talked things over with my wife and she has encouraged me to find a virtual partner (told you she was a keeper!), so if there are any ladies on this thread in a similar position to me, don't be shy, PM me please!

 

[Frustratedbutfascinated]

I am so very grateful to have found this thread. It helps to know that I am not the only one who feels the way I do.

I love my wife to bits, it's a privilege to be married to her in so many ways and there is no one I would rather spend the rest of my life with, even if it meant never having sex again. Fortunately, things are not quite that bad.

The problem is that she has a mental health condition which can sap her desire for all facets of life for weeks, even months, at a time.

I have addressed what I refer to as the "physical intimacy deficit" in my head with porn and junk food for years...obviously not the way to go, but advice is always easier to give than to take, unfortunately.

Anyway, I got my act back together over lockdown and I've lost about 60lbs so far. Guess what? My libido (which has never been low) has gone through the roof!

I talked things over with my wife and she has encouraged me to find a virtual partner (told you she was a keeper!), so if there are any ladies on this thread in a similar position to me, don't be shy, PM me please!

My wife has said something similar, but finding someone i trust feels like quite the obstacle. I hope you have great luck.

 

[Night_Wolf]

So for the last 1 1/2 hours I have been reading through the thread, and do find much pain in it, and I am identifying with it. My sexual complaint is not so much about frequency (although certainly I can use more and more and more) as it is about the intimate dialog of sex itself. So instead of complaining or explaining I rather embark on a letter never to be read to my Wife... hoping to find some therapy in it.

.

Powerful

 

[JK515914]

Thank you, you too.

 

[LustyScribe]

Hi

I just wanted to get in touch and tell you that your story really resonates with me! I am 42, my husband is awesome, also has Aspergers (they still call it that here in the UK). I adore him, I’m not going to leave him but I boy do miss sex.

If you aren’t overwhelmed with messages and feel like chatting, it would be nice to talk to someone who understands.

If not, I really hope you find that connection.

Messages box is full

 

[KeenVoyeur]

So of course I instantly lose my link to this thread! My box would be delighted to receive your messages

On the basis that I can sink to the level of Viz comic and you would understand the double entendre terminology ... I'd love to fill your box!

 

[theqbehindtheq]

We grow to appreciate the finer things about a person over time. These moments we spend building a lifetime are more valuable than the youthful love we once had for one another. It's apparent in their absence. It is the aching when they are away. It's the things they do for us and we do for them. This life together was not built on a foundation of sex. It was build in a struggle for survival and a better future. It was forged in the emotions where new lives began, others ended and all of the living in between. It exist in the comfort we have provided for one another and the tears of both sorrow and happiness we have shed together. From the countless other moments where we held each other up in celebration or in defeat, we have planted our relationship firmly in the ground. Is this not love?

What is love after all? We may never be able to live without them, but years of anticipation ending in disappointment wears on the soul. The rejection creates a degree of resentment which rots the root of the relationship. It is eventually toppled over by the winds of adultery or simply from gravity.

Is it fair to harbor resentment over someone for something they might not actually control? What if they just aren't programmed the same, have been abused or are physically unable? Even so, is it fair to hold back one's body and expect monogamy from the other? A case could be made that abstaining from sex in marriage is akin to cheating. Why then is it wrong to look over the fence to see what shiny thing might bring you some satisfaction? Because it conflicts with our mores and values. People don't often see the other side of the infraction, only that one vow was broken. There are consequences and assumptions. There's the terrifying thought of explaining the why to children and family.

It's a conundrum. I care very deeply for my wife, yet I very much resent her. I don't want to hurt her, but I am losing hope.

 

[chasmurphy1970]

Hi married in a sexless marriage. New to all this but would love a chat sometime if you were available to. kind regards

 

[wifewatcher1997]

Had a fun date night last night and thought some intimacy would close the evening...nope. I truly don't want to beg or try to guilt her into sex, but dang, I just can't figure it out anymore. You'd think after 23 years it wouldn't be this difficult to read someone...

 

[LustyScribe]

Had a fun date night last night and thought some intimacy would close the evening...nope. I truly don't want to beg or try to guilt her into sex, but dang, I just can't figure it out anymore. You'd think after 23 years it wouldn't be this difficult to read someone...

I know the frustration well. When every indication seems to point to "Tonight!"...but then it just...doesn't. I have reach the same decision: No begging, no guilt trips, and no "mercy fucks." Here finding other folks who can help, and who value my help, even if it is only virtual. There are a lot of people, especially in this thread, who would relish even a sexy comment, much less heated shared fantasies. And I'm grateful for the ones with whom I am/have been connected.

 

[Creative_Juices]

It would be nice to say reading so many similar stories to our marriage made me feel better, but it essentially just makes me feel we’re all members of a club we hate being in. So blessed to be married to a woman I love, who is beautiful, intelligent, strong, interesting, fun in so many ways and who has been a great mom to our now adult kids...so cursed that our marriage has been decades of no physical affection, limited and reluctant sexual intimacy and no desire or willingness for us as a couple to be different no matter how many times/ways I’ve tried to say that living as we are is killing me. I am at the point that I hopefully have 20-30 years left...I am excited in so many ways for our last chapters together but just filled w dread looking at 20-30 more years of staring into a romantic, affectionate and sexual abyss...

 

[wifewatcher1997]

It would be nice to say reading so many similar stories to our marriage made me feel better, but it essentially just makes me feel we’re all members of a club we hate being in. So blessed to be married to a woman I love, who is beautiful, intelligent, strong, interesting, fun in so many ways and who has been a great mom to our now adult kids...so cursed that our marriage has been decades of no physical affection, limited and reluctant sexual intimacy and no desire or willingness for us as a couple to be different no matter how many times/ways I’ve tried to say that living as we are is killing me. I am at the point that I hopefully have 20-30 years left...I am excited in so many ways for our last chapters together but just filled w dread looking at 20-30 more years of staring into a romantic, affectionate and sexual abyss...

My thoughts on all accounts!

 

[wifewatcher1997]

I know the frustration well. When every indication seems to point to "Tonight!"...but then it just...doesn't. I have reach the same decision: No begging, no guilt trips, and no "mercy fucks." Here finding other folks who can help, and who value my help, even if it is only virtual. There are a lot of people, especially in this thread, who would relish even a sexy comment, much less heated shared fantasies. And I'm grateful for the ones with whom I am/have been connected.

I am thankful for an outlet like this too! Thanks for your perspective and reminding me none of us are alone in this struggle.

 

[LustyScribe]

I am thankful for an outlet like this too! Thanks for your perspective and reminding me none of us are alone in this struggle.

One of the things it has done for me is give me an outlet for writing for others, specifically, and making it hot for THEM. In turn, it turns me on to gratify them. You know, like how marriage is supposed to work. Wanted to do it for the wife; no interest, so others reap the benefits.

 

[wifewatcher1997]

One of the things it has done for me is give me an outlet for writing for others, specifically, and making it hot for THEM. In turn, it turns me on to gratify them. You know, like how marriage is supposed to work. Wanted to do it for the wife; no interest, so others reap the benefits.

I hear ya! It is good to have the outlet but would be better if the flame was burning hot and and heavy at home.

 

[DanbyDrive]

I know the frustration well. When every indication seems to point to "Tonight!"...but then it just...doesn't. I have reach the same decision: No begging, no guilt trips, and no "mercy fucks." Here finding other folks who can help, and who value my help, even if it is only virtual. There are a lot of people, especially in this thread, who would relish even a sexy comment, much less heated shared fantasies. And I'm grateful for the ones with whom I am/have been connected.

On those nights, my hopes got dashed with responses like these:

1. I'll think about it. (Uh, sure you will.)
2. Let's talk about it when we get home. (In other words, no.)
3. I'm sorry but it's just not something that's important to me anymore. (Excuse me for living.)
4. I just feel like it's "been there, done that." (Thanks for the compliment.)
5. It just really doesn't give me pleasure anymore. (Can we at least talk about what might give you pleasure? I'll do anything you want.)

The above list documents her quotes from when I was still trying, when I still had hope.

Now, no more. No more begging, asking sweetly, reasoning, explaining. I'm done groveling.

 

[LustyScribe]

On those nights, my hopes got dashed with responses like these:

1. I'll think about it. (Uh, sure you will.)
2. Let's talk about it when we get home. (In other words, no.)
3. I'm sorry but it's just not something that's important to me anymore. (Excuse me for living.)
4. I just feel like it's "been there, done that." (Thanks for the compliment.)
5. It just really doesn't give me pleasure anymore. (Can we at least talk about what might give you pleasure? I'll do anything you want.)

The above list documents her quotes from when I was still trying, when I still had hope.

Now, no more. No more begging, asking sweetly, reasoning, explaining. I'm done groveling.

Damn straight! You ARE worth more. That's the sad thing; these frigid spouses have NO IDEA of what they are missing out on. The Return On Investment for some loving attention and affirmation would be superb. Instead, they think of us as money in a checking account...they just don't realize that account is overdrawn and racking up fees, month after month, year after year.

 

[LustyScribe]

I hear ya! It is good to have the outlet but would be better if the flame was burning hot and and heavy at home.

Agreed. But Improvise, Adapt and Overcome. I have found my pleasures aren't the same like this, but they ARE pleasures, and they beat the hell out of drifting alone on an ice floe. Besides, I'm finding out...I'm a lot kinkier than I thought I was! LOL

 

[theqbehindtheq]

I think sometimes it's me. Maybe I push too hard or have too many quirky fantasies. Maybe I'm just not attractive anymore. I'm not as fit as I once was. This lockdown certainly hasn't helped. Depression and self-loathing aren't high on the libido list I'm sure. However, it's not like sex was awesome and frequent before.

I'm afraid I'm losing interest in sex altogether, from a physical aspect I mean. I find sex to be better in my mind these days.

 

[Chillygirl]

Arguing all weekend with my husband and trying to explain I don’t feel seen...he doesn’t see me sexually anymore, I’m just his wife who takes care of everything. And then I receive a message from a friend...and I share it with my husband hoping he’ll understand what I mean when I say I wished he really saw me! His response....”I guess.” How can someone I’ve never met, who live thousands of miles away see me better than the man I’ve lived with for 23 years?

 

[wifewatcher1997]

Arguing all weekend with my husband and trying to explain I don’t feel seen...he doesn’t see me sexually anymore, I’m just his wife who takes care of everything. And then I receive a message from a friend...and I share it with my husband hoping he’ll understand what I mean when I say I wished he really saw me! His response....”I guess.” How can someone I’ve never met, who live thousands of miles away see me better than the man I’ve lived with for 23 years?

I am sorry and I empathize with you. I am in a similar situation most of the time and wish I had something to help make it better but I don't. Just know you're not alone in going through something like this.

 

[LustyScribe]

Arguing all weekend with my husband and trying to explain I don’t feel seen...he doesn’t see me sexually anymore, I’m just his wife who takes care of everything. And then I receive a message from a friend...and I share it with my husband hoping he’ll understand what I mean when I say I wished he really saw me! His response....”I guess.” How can someone I’ve never met, who live thousands of miles away see me better than the man I’ve lived with for 23 years?

Chilly, it's certainly not you! You are a beautiful woman, and your posts show that you certainly know what turns people on. Stop blaming yourself; he's probably dealing with some issues of his own. His loss; you are a very desirable woman!

 

[Thom_the_gleeman]

Arguing all weekend with my husband and trying to explain I don’t feel seen...he doesn’t see me sexually anymore, I’m just his wife who takes care of everything. And then I receive a message from a friend...and I share it with my husband hoping he’ll understand what I mean when I say I wished he really saw me! His response....”I guess.” How can someone I’ve never met, who live thousands of miles away see me better than the man I’ve lived with for 23 years?

this strikes painfully close to home... I am sorry to read this is what you are dealing with, Chilygirl... But I do hope this far friend gives you a bit of the comfort you need.

Love,

Thom

 

[Frustratedbutfascinated]

Arguing all weekend with my husband and trying to explain I don’t feel seen...he doesn’t see me sexually anymore, I’m just his wife who takes care of everything. And then I receive a message from a friend...and I share it with my husband hoping he’ll understand what I mean when I say I wished he really saw me! His response....”I guess.” How can someone I’ve never met, who live thousands of miles away see me better than the man I’ve lived with for 23 years?

I can also empathize, I hope he figures things out for himself and you get the attention you deserve from him.