New to sub space

[Primalex]

I apply that to both of you. Sorry. I see zero reason why what you're saying should be true in direct contradiction of what I've experienced of the world myself.

That's the same argument people use to deny the existence of Covid, a round Earth, ...

 

[Master_Doctor]

I make no claim to be any more trustworthy than the rest of you. I, too, am an anonymous forum poster, and my word should only be trusted in so far as it seems to make sense based solely on the merits of content - what I'm saying.

And what I'm saying is: I've never met anyone who claimed to be in that sort of dominant relation, who wasn't either just wishful thinking - or they'd actually tried it, and it ended poorly.

I apply that to both of you. Sorry. I see zero reason why what you're saying should be true in direct contradiction of what I've experienced of the world myself.

Am I calling you liars? No. Am I saying I don't trust you? Yes. But don't feel bad - I don't trust anyone on a forum like this, and I ask no one to trust me.

I merely offer opinion, which you may think of precisely what you will.

Well, thats easy to say since you dont believe anyone that you meet. Absolutist thinking is a huge red flag in Psychology circles. Most people that have read my posts on this site would tend to agree that I only try to use my knowledge and experience to be of help to others. If you dont like what I have to say... thats fine. But I have in no way disrespected you... so I ask for the same in return.

With your mindset, you are telling us that since you dont believe what anyone says.. that gives you the right to be discourteous to others. That whole mentality that you are incapable of seeing any of the rest of us as real people... we are merely words on a screen? Regardless, that is a sad mentality to live by. I feel for you.

My question to you then.. in all serious and without a hint of mockery. If nothing we say is true. Then what is the point in reading any of the posts here? Unless it is to show that your purpose is to be confrontational and self absorbed...

I understand that to surf the web with a healthy dose of skepticism is wise indeed. But to insult others to make the fact abundantly clear... is rude at best... abusive at worse. The rest of the fine individuals here have been engaging in a healthy conversation of differing ideas and view points. If you are incapable of doing the same.. then I question your purpose for being here...

In the end... I made the choice that if you choose to not be constructive and respectful to the group then I will politely treat you like one does an ignorant child and quietly ignore you...

 

[Mei5ter]

I would love OP to come back and clarify.

I would not be at all surprised if the OP has looked back at this thread and run for the hills.

 

[Master_Doctor]

I would not be at all surprised if the OP has looked back at this thread and run for the hills.

That's awesome.

I cant argue/ disagree with you.

 

[Primalex]

New to sub space - 08-12-2020, 09:54 PM

Last Activity: 08-12-2020 09:54 PM

 

[Master_Doctor]

New to sub space - 08-12-2020, 09:54 PM

Last Activity: 08-12-2020 09:54 PM

We couldnt have scared them off that quickly.... Op started a thread and never came back to look at the answers.

 

[PaxNurgle]

drive-by posting... dang.

I never could see the point in doing that.

 

[barefootgirl69]

At least it has us all thinking and discussing...and that's never a bad thing.

And your logical conclusion from this finding is...that you are particularly "woke"?

ownedsubgal would like to have a word with you.

But as she likely won't respond anymore, you can start your education here:
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=7293517&postcount=16

I loved that post. Thank you for sharing it.

I'm always a little suspicious about requests like this, because anybody who has dominant tendencies or submissive tendencies, should have their own ideas on what they like and what they would like to have happen.

That said, I know there could be people who aren't very creative and maybe need a bit of a start with some kind of scene. But, I still think that with just a little idea of some sort, most people can then go with it, on their own.

Now, we all know that the submissive is ultimately in charge, but once they give the control over to the dom, the dom is then in control, following the submissive's limits and safe words. So, maybe that's where you should start.
Limits are necessary, because they help create a road map for the dom to follow. And if being a submissive is new to you, for sure discuss a safe word system.

Hopefully, when two people first start something like this, they've talked out a possible scenario that interests both of them, so neither of them is just going through the motions to satisfy their partner. While that might work a few times, after a while, if both aren't gaining satisfaction from the experience, one of them is going to burn out.

As to any inspiration on being a submissive? Talk with your partner and maybe you'll get inspiration that way. Communicating and being open about your own likes and dislikes can start something really interesting. And the more talk before hand, the more information is shared, meaning you already have a massive head start on someone who just decides to go into this sort of thing blindly.

Very good advice here, DVS.

That phrase "the sub is in charge" always makes me cringe. We enter a discussion and an agreement, not dictate how things are going to be. Maybe it's tomatoes-tomahtoes or semantics. I just know that I'm not in charge, I don't want to be in charge.

 

[Master_Doctor]

That phrase "the sub is in charge" always makes me cringe. We enter a discussion and an agreement, not dictate how things are going to be. Maybe it's tomatoes-tomahtoes or semantics. I just know that I'm not in charge, I don't want to be in charge.[/QUOTE]

I know your response was not directed at me. I hope you dont mind me responding to your comment.

1) My wife/slave has the VERY same mindset. She doesnt want to make any decisions and the last thing she wants is to be in charge I think what was meant is that the reality of any D/s relationship... is that the submissive has all the power. They determine what the limits are and what can and can NOT happen. Safe words and what have you. One word and the submissive can stop EVERYTHING. The Dom has no legitimate response but to stop everything that is going on and check to make sure the submissive is ok and basically check themselves. Thats power. While the Dominant seems from an outward appearance to have all the power... the reality of the situation is that is all the submissives. YOU (the submissive) give us your power. sometimes your choices. If you dont give us that power/ that permission... then we have no power over you at all. There are many submissives feel as you and my wife do. That they dont WANT to make decisions or EVER be in charge or control. But you would never just give that control (hopefully) to just any Dom. You would want to make sure they prove themselves trust worthy of such a huge responsibility... Even then. You can take that power away from your Dominant without notice. No matter how we veil it in contacts and the like. The reality is a submissive can walk away and take their power with them...

In my opinion, this was what was meant when it was stated that the submissive was in charge. I hope I havent stepped on any toes.

Master Doctor

 

[barefootgirl69]

I know your response was not directed at me. I hope you dont mind me responding to your comment.

1) My wife/slave has the VERY same mindset. She doesnt want to make any decisions and the last thing she wants is to be in charge I think what was meant is that the reality of any D/s relationship... is that the submissive has all the power. They determine what the limits are and what can and can NOT happen. Safe words and what have you. One word and the submissive can stop EVERYTHING. The Dom has no legitimate response but to stop everything that is going on and check to make sure the submissive is ok and basically check themselves. Thats power. While the Dominant seems from an outward appearance to have all the power... the reality of the situation is that is all the submissives. YOU (the submissive) give us your power. sometimes your choices. If you dont give us that power/ that permission... then we have no power over you at all. There are many submissives feel as you and my wife do. That they dont WANT to make decisions or EVER be in charge or control. But you would never just give that control (hopefully) to just any Dom. You would want to make sure they prove themselves trust worthy of such a huge responsibility... Even then. You can take that power away from your Dominant without notice. No matter how we veil it in contacts and the like. The reality is a submissive can walk away and take their power with them...

In my opinion, this was what was meant when it was stated that the submissive was in charge. I hope I havent stepped on any toes.

Master Doctor

No, they don't. Limits are agreed upon prior to anything. It's an agreement by two people. The Dom doesn't HAVE to accept the subs limits...he can say "no" and things go no further. That doesn't mean /s has the power, just that they didn't agree.

Even giving D/ power over me is an agreement, one gives and one accepts. Just because I decide to walk isn't having power over the situation, it's just having my own back in my control...because it was an agreement that I ended.

Maybe semantics, maybe a mindset...this is my belief. No one has changed my mind about it yet.

 

[Lady2020]

Isn't a mutual exchange of power an ideal goal, where neither is left feeling powerless to get what they want?

 

[L3gacy]

I kinda wanna feel Powerless.

Do you?

 

[Lady2020]

I kinda wanna feel Powerless.

So, if things don't go as agreed upon, that doesn't bother you? I'm sure there are those who want to feel powerless, but what if your Dom suddenly decides in middle of scene that your role should have more power, you should make some decisions or do things they know you don't want to do?

 

[barefootgirl69]

So, if things don't go as agreed upon, that doesn't bother you? I'm sure there are those who want to feel powerless, but what if your Dom suddenly decides in middle of scene that your role should have more power, you should make some decisions or do things they know you don't want to do?

If he decides in the middle of a scene that I should have more power? Then, I have that power at his direction and permission...I obey, because *shrugs* I have submitted to this when I gave him power over me.

"Do things I don't want to do" -- most of my agreements have included that I'll continue to rethink the things I limit but that he wants. But Fara answered it best...

 

[Primalex]

Maybe semantics, maybe a mindset...this is my belief. No one has changed my mind about it yet.

It's the sequel of pussy power for BDSM.
"The sub has the power!" is much less frequently encountered when it's about msub.

 

[Master_Doctor]

No, they don't. Limits are agreed upon prior to anything. It's an agreement by two people. The Dom doesn't HAVE to accept the subs limits...he can say "no" and things go no further. That doesn't mean /s has the power, just that they didn't agree.

Even giving D/ power over me is an agreement, one gives and one accepts. Just because I decide to walk isn't having power over the situation, it's just having my own back in my control...because it was an agreement that I ended.

Maybe semantics, maybe a mindset...this is my belief. No one has changed my mind about it yet.

To be very frank. If the Dom wants to have a relationship with the sub. He does indeed have to accept her limits. If he wants to have her.. he MUST agree to her negotiations. If he wants to touch her. HE has to agree to her limits/ boundaries.

I live an M/s dynamic 24/7 by its very definition I have more power over my sub/slave than a D/s. She still has the power. Why? Because she can leave my butt anytime she wants. Granted. I can do that same thing. But if I WANT her and I Want to keep her. I MUST live by our agreed negotiated limits.

Lets look at this another way. Say My wife/slave decides she isnt going to do something. Even if its clearly something she agreed was in my power to demand of her. But what option do I have if she completely decides not to do it. Lets see.

1) I can punish her per our agreement.
2) I can tell her if she doesnt do as promised I can leave her and look for another Sub.
3) I can suck it up and not push that agenda anymore.

So if I love my wife... and I want to spend my life with her... well that kills the 2nd option. If I do #3 well that makes me look week because im not willing to enforce out agreed dynamic ... and if I do #1... and she gets pissed (regardless if it is in black and white I have the negotiated and her agreement that says I have the right to punish her... and calls the police. Who do you think will go to jail and get charged for Domestic Violance?

Trust me... when the police are called regardless of what paperwork and agreements you have... it is ALWAYS the Dominant that gets arrested.

So again? Who has all the power? If you say the Dominant... im afraid to tell you.. while in YOUR dynamic your Sir may have all the power... simply because you choose to NOT take it back from him. But the reality of life... is that a sub CAN take her power back without notice... and the world will side with her. Unless there are extinguishing circumstances. Because the Vanilla word sees Dominants as abuses.

My wife had a great friend who is a Dominant. He had a sub. they both had a friend who desperately wanted to be dominated and have X, Y, and Z done to her. Everything was on paper, completely documented and negotiated. So they had a play session. The tree of them. The new sub acted a little off after the scene so the Dom and his sub both gave her aftercare and took care of her... and made sure she was ok. She promised them she was fine and left.

Three days later he was arrested for rape. After 6 months he was luckily had his name cleared. But by then he has lost his teaching job and no one would hire him in his career field again. So please tell me... who had the power here? He did everything by the book. Negotiated, gave her everything she asked for, took care of her afterward. She let him dominate her for almost an entire day... then then ruined his life.

Im exceedingly happy that your dynamic works for you and that you and your Dom are happy together. Me and mind are as well. But the reality of the world is that yes... the submissive in the end has the power. She can relinquish it to a Dominant. But she can sure as hell take it back at anytime she wants... with out notice or apology if she wishes.

To be very clear. Im not suggesting you or anyone else would do such a thing as was described here. But it has happend... and not just an isolated incident.

 

[Master_Doctor]

Isn't a mutual exchange of power an ideal goal, where neither is left feeling powerless to get what they want?

That is exactly right. Its yin and yang. They meet each others needs and that is how any BDSM dynamic (sane and safe) is supposed to be. D/s, DD/s or M/s

 

[Primalex]

To be very frank. If the Dom wants to have a relationship with the sub. He does indeed have to accept her limits. If he wants to have her.. he MUST agree to her negotiations. If he wants to touch her. HE has to agree to her limits/ boundaries.

And if the sub wants to have a relationship with the Dom it's vice versa.



You do know that men are capable of denying the advances of women?

Essentially it is: Whoever cares more about the relationship has less power. This has ZERO to do with BDSM.

 

[Lascivity]

To answer the actual original question: porn or erotica are good places to find starting points. Read widely. Watch widely. And then pay attention and explore when you see or read about something the piques your interest. Let your desires and the things which you find interesting guide you.

 

[cocktaildress21]

Essentially it is: Whoever cares more about the relationship has less power. This has ZERO to do with BDSM.

This is essentially only true if one party is an utter dick to the other. In any relationship between basically decent people, no one is holding a break-up like a Damocles sword over the other.

In any relationship between basically decent people, no one is holding 'you must do this for me whether you like it or not' over the other like a Damocles sword, either.

This is not about BDSM - you're right. It's about the most basic human decency. BDSM is not a free ride to be a dick towards your partner. Nor does it in any way oblige your partner to put up with your crap.

 

[Orchidea73]

This is essentially only true if one party is an utter dick to the other. In any relationship between basically decent people, no one is holding a break-up like a Damocles sword over the other.

A Damocles sword over the other maybe not. But if you think that the power is 50/50, you are very much mistaken. One of the partners always, always, will have the upper hand. A bit more power than their partner. It's human nature. It's how things works, relationship included.

It is not a bad thing per se. It all depends what you do with it, how you use that power.

 

[Primalex]

bla bla bla

YoU aRe wrOnG, thIs Is NoT mY eXpeRiEncE.

 

[barefootgirl69]

BDSM is not a free ride to be a dick towards your partner. Nor does it in any way oblige your partner to put up with your crap.

No one here ever said it was.

You sound angry or bitter. Have you had a bad experience?

 

[cocktaildress21]

Have you had a bad experience?

No. I've met a few scumbags, and sent them packing before it turned into a bad experience. I'll say this: I've met 5-10 scumbags for every actually interesting dom I've met.

The 'dom' role attracts a lot of men who have more frustration than clue. And I've encountered a disproportionate amount of men who certainly didn't project any confidence in me that they'd ever had any sort of succesful BDSM experience. Or any other kind of confidence.

Simply put, if any man thinks he has more of a say in anything than I do - he's wrong, and he's going home alone, blue balls and all. I submit - but I chose to submit, and if I do not so chose, then that is absolute and final.

 

[Mei5ter]

My bold. I can agree with this, wholeheartedly.
This is why I always stress the difference between a domineering personality and a dominant personality.

I'll just note the differenc between a submissive woman and a pillow princess too.