Feedback request: Co-Ed Fun Remastered / Multipart story

[MaiaEmpire]

Long time reader of various websites for years, and I've been trying to use the quarantine as motivation to push myself to write.

To that end, I've been using a story I read a long time ago as the base for an expansion to a multipart story. It's in the Group Sex category, about four high school seniors that spend Spring Break in a massive estate. Each day of the break is a different chapter of the story. It involves a lot of bisexual activity, but I also tried to infuse some emotion into it as the group is realizing and discovering different aspects of themselves.

I've currently published 4 out of the 8 days of the break, I'm in the middle of editing day 5, and I've plotted out how the rest of the week will go. I've even been considering expanding to more stories after the week is finished. Unfortunately, I haven't really received comments about the writing, and the ranking system is a bit...random. Since I am using this story as writing practice I really want to make sure I am improving.

https://www.literotica.com/s/co-ed-fun-remastered-day-01

The link to the first part is above. Obviously, if it's terrible you have no obligation to read further, but if you enjoy it there are more chapters following it and more on the way. Thanks in advance.

 

[HollyLoriAnnalee]

Hot, but fast

Hey Maia,

I'm Holly, hi! How are you?

Let me start by saying that, while I did think the pace of this story was way, way too rushed, and while that did sort of turn me off, I kept reading. By the anal sex scene between the boys, I was masturbating, and I came. So, whatever my criticism, this story did it's job!

My criticism, again, is that the pace just goes way too fast to be believable, and that kind of ruined all the sex for me... to a point. I love how quickly they agree to go to Long Island, and I love a lot of the dialogue--it feels high schoolish and innocent. Once they get into the limo, though, it's like all of a sudden they're pretty much middle-aged swingers as far as attitudes towards sex. I stopped believing that they were teenagers.

I won't presume to tell you how teenagers act, or how to slow it down, or how to do anything, I just want you to understand my perspective and my reactions. When the guys just start making the fuck out with the girls, the girls seem like they've been there, done that, ain't no thing, you know? No matter what they say or think, it just went too fast, and they didn't react to the quickness believably.

But like I said, I still came reading this story, and I really appreciate the fact that the boys fuck each other, too, instead of just the girls being bi like in every porn ever. I'm a queer girl, and that's refreshing. I did think some of their talking during sex was kind of corny, but 1) maybe that's just erotica for you and 2) actually a lot of stuff guys say to each other in gay porn is just as corny, so maybe that's not your style as much as it is dumb guys and their fuck talk. Haha!

Anyway, hope I helped!

Could you take a look at my profile and then read my first published story and tell me what you think?

Just a warning--it's kind of gross, if that's something you want to avoid, and it gets a little nonconsensual. I'd understand if you don't want to get into that.

Talk to you soon?

xxx Holly

 

[MaiaEmpire]

Delete this!

Double Post, and I don't know how to delete

 

[MaiaEmpire]

Re:

Thank you for the feedback! You're absolutely right, the beginning was very rushed. However, in my defense, the first two chapters are lifted scene for scene from the original story. My thought process was to push myself to get in front of the computer, and editing an existing story was somehow easier than doing it from scratch and a good place to get the fingers moving. The original story had horrendous formatting and spelling, almost as if a retarded monkey starting gnawing on the keyboard and accidentally typed out a word document.

It was the scenario that inspired me in the first place, and the potential combinations. Plus, it was written from a girl's perspective, which frankly I don't see enough of. Everything from Day 3 onward are my own ideas though, and I like to think I slow down the pace as I add the days. A scene I wrote recently, a side story that takes place later, was much more akin to what teenage sex would be like, but you'll have to wait to read that for a while.

If I had had the original idea, the first day would definitely have been more...coquettish? Awkward? I am definitely corny and a bit reserved when it comes to my taste in erotica, so that's not going away any time soon. If there's no fun or awkwardness in sex, what's the point?

I'm happy to take a look at your work, though. I'll send a message soon.

Again, I appreciate the feedback!

 

[NotWise]

Thank you for the feedback! You're absolutely right, the beginning was very rushed. However, in my defense, the first two chapters are lifted scene for scene from the original story. My thought process was to push myself to get in front of the computer, and editing an existing story was somehow easier than doing it from scratch and a good place to get the fingers moving. The original story had horrendous formatting and spelling, almost as if a retarded monkey starting gnawing on the keyboard and accidentally typed out a word document.

Did you have permission from the original author to lift those scenes? If not, then it's plagiarism.

 

[MaiaEmpire]

I put a disclaimer up. But the story is like 20 years old and the email it was connected to is defunct. If they contested, I would take it down. But I would also argue that the scenario is there, but I ended up rewriting almost all of the dialogue and action.

 

[HappySpouse]

I read the first three, so I could get to a chapter that was all yours. In general it's not really for me, so some of these comments may not be true for the audience that continues to move on.

First let me say that it was hot. It was definitely a sexy story and the writing was very consistent with creating a stable image in my mind. One thing that really stuck out to me in general was the focus on the male pleasure and members. I'm not saying that is good or bad just noticeable. They were ejaculating everywhere and I got their exact length and girth a lot of times. Conversely I'm not sure if either girl had and orgasm in one of the chapters and in another I think it just said she did three times with no description. I also feel like I know everything about the two men's bodies, but all I know about the women is the size of their nipples and the fullness of their asses. This might make sense from a woman's perspective and might be great for your readers that enjoy reading about men's bodies and pleasure more than I do. Again I'm not really your target audience, so I don't know if that's helpful or not.

I liked the third chapter the most, it felt like you hit your stride once you were free of the events you were "required" to include. Everything in it seemed much more real to me than the others and I could feel the casual affection between the four of them.

The second chapter opened refreshingly to me. That first scene in the hot tub and the characters being emotionally affected by the events was probably my favorite part of all three stories. Also the scene with the girls seemed much more organically manifested than the sex on the first day.

On The first chapter, I agree with Holly about the unrealistic progression. It kinda messed with the characters for me. Prostitutes would blush at how quickly that all went down. It just didn't fit our introduction to the characters and there was no bridge from here to there. I realize that this chapter's outline was lifted from another story, so if that's how it goes maybe there was no room, but for me the two things didn't jive together. That said, again like Holly, it did turn me on. As I said earlier the whole thing is hot, but this chapter seemed a bit bi-polar.

It's a neat concept, and you've got me hooked enough that I'll skim through the other chapters just to see what these four are up to.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

Copyright infringement

...However, in my defense, the first two chapters are lifted scene for scene from the original story. My thought process was to push myself to get in front of the computer, and editing an existing story was somehow easier than doing it from scratch... and a good place to get the fingers moving. The original story had horrendous formatting and spelling, almost as if a retarded monkey starting gnawing on the keyboard and accidentally typed out a word document....

I find the fact that you usurped another author's story pretty disturbing. Putting a notice that you'll take it down if asked doesn't make it okay. It's not an author's obligation to rove the site looking for people who have taken their work and rewritten it.

From what I'm understanding of what you've said, Chapters 1 and 2 are this other author's story, and you've kept the story but written it in a way that you feel is an improvement. That's copyright infringement. You may avoid "plagiarism" by re-writing everything, but taking another person's ideas is copyright infringement.

It's not fan fiction. Fanfiction is when you take someone's universe or characters and write a new story. There are a lot of gray areas with copyright and fanfiction, but this isn't even in that category. If you did what you described, you flat out appropriated the plots of chapters 1 and 2.

If I've misunderstood what you've done, I apologize and please correct me. I couldn't look at the original story to compare because I can't find "Co-ed Fun" on Lit, and you didn't include an author's name. Not giving credit to a specific author and not telling people where to find the original compounds the problem. Comparing the original author whose ideas you appropriated to "a retarded monkey" "gnawing on the keyboard," is literally insult to injury.

 

[MaiaEmpire]

You're not wrong. I realize that there is a line between infringement and fan fiction. I did contact the email associated with the original story, but it is defunct and has been for over a decade. Perhaps I was disrespectful when referring to the formatting which, I'm sorry, was objectively bad. But the idea was interesting, and I wish that they had completed their idea for a series instead of abandoning it after two chapters decades ago. My wish to see their series finished inspired me to just do it myself.

I took this story premise I read years ago, and reformatted it to make it more readable. I've been trying to get over a fear of writing, and purely as an attempt to simply force myself to face a blank word document and write, I used an existing premise and made my own take on it. I know it doesn't matter that I rewrote almost every paragraph and line of dialogue, the seed of the idea was not my own. I could have tweaked it just enough to make it noticeably distinct from the story I read years ago, but I was up front about this being an intellectual exercise. I even kept the title. I do not want to profit or get any sort of credit for this. And that exercise has really helped me to get confidence to write scenes that I can call my own. I'm halfway through editing my latest story, and I can already see it being a far cry from the first.

If it is truly an unethical thing that I have done, I can easily junk them. The premise is not so wholly original; it's amateur erotica, not Shakespeare. If I have shaken the foundations of ethics in fiction, I can delete my account and you will never hear from me again. This is not my profession, it is a personal interest I am exploring. A few insightful comments I have received noted a distinct shift in pacing as stories have gone forward, and maybe this means my experiment worked, and I am finding my voice. And this was my only intention.

I do appreciate the pointing this out, however. We all can sometimes get so worked up about something new and exciting that we lose sight of things outside of our periphery. This is why I am putting myself out here like this, to challenge myself and to get out of my head. So thank you, for making me think about what I am doing.

 

[ElectricBlue]

A few insightful comments I have received noted a distinct shift in pacing as stories have gone forward, and maybe this means my experiment worked, and I am finding my voice. And this was my only intention.

Maybe what you could do is take the first two chapters down and continue on from where the content is your own; or now that you've found your own voice, go back and do a far more substantive rewrite, so all the words are your own.

There are very few original ideas, and plagiarism is lifting someone's text verbatim and claiming it as your own. It's not clear to me whether you have done that, or whether the content here is already mostly rewritten and it's the story idea only that's the problem.

Sort out the ethics of using another writer's words (did you or didn't you, is the key) and make your own way. Since you've drawn attention to yourself and your actions by bringing it here to this forum, I'd do that quickly, making it very clear whose content belongs to each author - and only publish your own.

Fan fiction is one thing, plagiarism is quite another. The first should be done with respect and acknowledgement of the original author, the second should never be done at all. It's intellectual theft, it's dishonest, and isn't you as a writer. Be yourself, and be yourself quickly. Good luck.

 

[yibala2]

If it is truly an unethical thing that I have done, I can easily junk them. The premise is not so wholly original; it's amateur erotica, not Shakespeare. If I have shaken the foundations of ethics in fiction, I can delete my account and you will never hear from me again. This is not my profession, it is a personal interest I am exploring.

I think the primary reason most of us are here is to encourage each other's writing and become better writers. It's fantastic that this story gave you so much enjoyment, and even more fantastic that it helped you start writing. Keep writing!

I don't know the logistics of editing stories once they're submitted, but is there a reason you can't give the original author credit in your writer's note by name? That seems like the best and first rule of thumb in any similar circumstances.

It also seems like now that you have your bearings, you could wholly rewrite those first two chapters in a way that makes the story yours with the pacing you want. As you say, it isn't that original a concept that you couldn't redo it your own way.

My $.02.

Yib

My stories

 

[SimonDoom]

If I have shaken the foundations of ethics in fiction, I can delete my account and you will never hear from me again.

No need to go that far. You're engaging on the subject and you obviously take the concerns seriously rather than dismissing them. Consider it a learning opportunity rather than chastisement.

Generally speaking, it's fine to write a story that borrows ideas from another story. There are not that many erotic story "ideas" that are truly new. There's no such thing as a copyright in an idea.

But it's another thing to use another author's story's title, character names, setting, specific plot points, and specific words. That's plagiarism and/or copyright infringement. It's not OK just because you've tried to contact the author but cannot, or because you give attribution to that author.

The right thing to do in this instance is to take the basic idea, but then to write your own story with it: new title, new characters, new setting, new plot points. Don't copy any of the specific text of the story. That's what I'd recommend.

 

[MaiaEmpire]

I actually had the original email on the original submission, in the disclaimer. But it was rejected because it had an internet address in the text. I resubmitted it without the email and it went through.

As I was writing the previous post...I am heavily considering redoing the first two chapters down the line. It is a bit unrealistic that it escalated so quickly. Especially if the characters begin as virgins. And I used the original title, despite not particularly liking it.

Damnit, brain. Quit making more work for me to do.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

I actually had the original email on the original submission, in the disclaimer. But it was rejected because it had an internet address in the text. I resubmitted it without the email and it went through.

As I was writing the previous post...I am heavily considering redoing the first two chapters down the line. It is a bit unrealistic that it escalated so quickly. Especially if the characters begin as virgins. And I used the original title, despite not particularly liking it.

Damnit, brain. Quit making more work for me to do.

That seems to me like the best solution by far. If you're ever in the position again of getting yourself started by editing someone else's story, just use it as an exercise and don't publish it. Hopefully, you're over that now. It'll be more rewarding writing it yourself, anyway.

I would suggest taking down the first two chapters in the interim. Copyright might not cover "an idea," but it does cover the collection of ideas that make a story, regardless of whether you use exactly the same words. Basically, the idea is that if you tell a story over again, and it's easily identifiable as derivative of the original story (such as the same circumstances and plot points), and if the original story is protected by copyright law, you're only allowed to publish it if your work is so "transformative" that it essentially makes it a new product. When the courts look at whether something is transformative, they're not looking at grammar, word choice and sentence structure. They're looking at the ideas.

It's a tremendously complicated area that you can avoid entirely by using a story for inspiration instead of scaffolding. Sounds like you already have some ideas.

 

[HappySpouse]

As I was writing the previous post...I am heavily considering redoing the first two chapters down the line. It is a bit unrealistic that it escalated so quickly. Especially if the characters begin as virgins. And I used the original title, despite not particularly liking it.

The third chapter really was head and shoulders above the first two. My suspicion is that whatever you'd come up with for 1&2 would be an improvement. Also, inventing a new, more realistic beginning will lay a better foundation for the whole story.

And it's not work. It's a hobby. What an interesting exercise to get from nothing to an existing chapter 3. Should be fun. You get to make your own cover story for the parents, motivations, crushes...anything. There could be no virgin or they could all be virgins. The girls could be the aggressors. It could be three people luring in one person or one person masterminding the three. I haven't read 4&5, but you could probably redesign the house or change the location. The inspiration did it's job, this is your world now.

 

[MaiaEmpire]

I have submitted a message to the website to remove my stories for the time being. I plan on a rewrite of early chapters and re-titling of the entire series. A special thanks to the anonymous readers private messaging me and denigrating a first time writer trying to learn.

 

[HappySpouse]

A special thanks to the anonymous readers private messaging me and denigrating a first time writer trying to learn.

Don’t let them get you down. It will be twice the story when you’re done with it.

 

[MaiaEmpire]

My redone, re-edited, renamed, and overhauled two chapters are up, if you are interested.

https://www.literotica.com/s/romping-on-winter-break-day-01

https://www.literotica.com/s/romping-on-winter-break-day-02

 

[SimonDoom]

My redone, re-edited, renamed, and overhauled two chapters are up, if you are interested.

https://www.literotica.com/s/romping-on-winter-break-day-01

https://www.literotica.com/s/romping-on-winter-break-day-02

I haven't read it yet but I applaud you for taking the copyright issues seriously and redoing it to make it truly your story.