Telling the children

[Bigboobbabe]

Looking for some serious answers.

Husband and I are separating.

He told our adult daughter, who lives with us, that he is a crossdresser, has been his whole life, that I know, and that I am jealous of his femme persona.

He told her we have done things sexually as a couple with other men. And that I had an affair

I was not aware he was going to do this. And now I don't know what I will,fave.

I thought we would do it together.

 

[CuriousGuy62]

Looking for some serious answers.

Husband and I are separating.

He told our adult daughter, who lives with us, that he is a crossdresser, has been his whole life, that I know, and that I am jealous of his femme persona.

He told her we have done things sexually as a couple with other men. And that I had an affair

I was not aware he was going to do this. And now I don't know what I will,fave.

I thought we would do it together.

I'm sorry to hear this, Bigboobbabe. It's really a shame when the kids (even adult ones) become involved in the disputes and troubles of their parents. There's no reason to share these kinds of details with her, and especially without your consent and involvement.

 

[yukonnights]

Looking for some serious answers.

Husband and I are separating.

He told our adult daughter, who lives with us, that he is a crossdresser, has been his whole life, that I know, and that I am jealous of his femme persona.

He told her we have done things sexually as a couple with other men. And that I had an affair

I was not aware he was going to do this. And now I don't know what I will,fave.

I thought we would do it together.

All I can say is; I hope you're glad he's gone. This is just selfish on his part — and thoughtless to drag his daughter into his drama. My first thought is; Tell your daughter that hubby/daddy is off the rails and needs professional help. His ravings have little, if any, truth in them and he'll soon be gone...hopefully to get the help he needs in a mental hospital.

 

[ScottMtl]

All I can say is; I hope you're glad he's gone. This is just selfish on his part — and thoughtless to drag his daughter into his drama. My first thought is; Tell your daughter that hubby/daddy is off the rails and needs professional help. His ravings have little, if any, truth in them and he'll soon be gone...hopefully to get the help he needs in a mental hospital.

you're kind of being a dick about this - sorry to be so blunt

his daughter as well - so he has the right to tell her what he wants - and his sexual interests are NOT mental instability in need of hospitalization - you're ignorant if you think that

should he have consulted the Lady before he opened him mouth - yes - but STFU with this demonizing attitude and grow up

 

[SissySalina]

Be truthful, you should talk to her and address the issues between you and him with her. If you have some feeling for him then also tell her of that, you should not degrade him or be mean towards him even though he has done a bad thing by talking to her without you.
One question, if she now lives with the two of you with whom is she going to live with after the separation? This will matter.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I find it odd that on top of him telling that your separating, that he went in-depth about more personal information.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Be truthful, you should talk to her and address the issues between you and him with her. If you have some feeling for him then also tell her of that, you should not degrade him or be mean towards him even though he has done a bad thing by talking to her without you.
One question, if she now lives with the two of you with whom is she going to live with after the separation? This will matter.

He wishes to keep,the house, which is too big for single me. He assumed she will stay with him and already discussed her need to pay rent, cell,phone, etc.
This was all done while,I was away.
I didn't even have opportunity to chime in.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

I find it odd that on top of him telling that your separating, that he went in-depth about more personal information.

Me too. It's like he was poised on a cliff waiting to share.

 

[SissySalina]

He wishes to keep,the house, which is too big for single me. He assumed she will stay with him and already discussed her need to pay rent, cell,phone, etc.
This was all done while,I was away.
I didn't even have opportunity to chime in.

Hope you now find out what she wishes to do. As far as the house, once he is out, doesn't mean you would have to keep it. You could use the equity for something else if that is the route you would like to go.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Hope you now find out what she wishes to do. As far as the house, once he is out, doesn't mean you would have to keep it. You could use the equity for something else if that is the route you would like to go.

He is 100% keeping the house and buying me out.
I do need to ask my daughter if she wants to come with me. It would be the right thing.

 

[Iris_66]

Me too. It's like he was poised on a cliff waiting to share.

First of all, I'd like to say it is always sad when a relationship ends, and worse when the children (however old) get drawn in

I've seen a fair few times when the end of any sense of 'us' leads to one party telling the kids or friends

Foe what it's worth, I think him 'coming out' to your daughter is his story to tell. Your story is yours, to tell or not to tell

I believe, now the story is out, there is nothing to be gained by not being truthful, but there is no need to overshare either. What about having an 'ask me what you want to know' session with your daughter?

Whatever happens to the home, whoever she lives with, she should be able to have a relationship with both parents, and that may depend on how you both cover your feelings about each other and make the her stuff about being with her. It's not that different to when there's a child involved

Anyway, hope I haven't rambled, and be strong, stay sane and know we are all here to help or just listen

 

[UnderMyKilt]

Looking for some serious answers.

Husband and I are separating.

He told our adult daughter, who lives with us, that he is a crossdresser, has been his whole life, that I know, and that I am jealous of his femme persona.

He told her we have done things sexually as a couple with other men. And that I had an affair

I was not aware he was going to do this. And now I don't know what I will,fave.

I thought we would do it together.

Wow. We went through something similar with friends under slightly different circumstances. Forgive the inconsistent use of gender pronouns, this is tough and sometimes confusing.

Long time friends had become a bit distant and withdrawn from organizations and events in which we were all involved. They'd been married for twenty years and between them had eight children, from previous relationships as well as their own, and dozens of grand kids.

The husband, a heavy equipment mechanic and shop manager, had some issues with his spine for which he used, and abused, opioid pain relievers. We didn't know how bad it had become till we invited, kind of insisted, that they come to a big annual event with us and stay in our motor home. Throughout the day and night we saw him take doses of pain medication, sometimes washing them down with alcohol, that would have knocked most people out.

At one point he had fallen asleep, actually probably passed out, on the couch with his head resting in her lap. The wives, who were and still are close, were having a conversation and the only thing remotely "negative" I remember was when his wife mentioned that he had become "rather high maintenance." We figured she was referring to the pain medication and alcohol issues.

A month of so later my wife gets a phone call from him, that from my end sitting across the living room from her sounded like this. "No", "What?", "Never!", "No I haven't talked to her", "We had no idea.", "No, you're wrong. She hasn't said a thing to us.", "No. Never. She's never said anything bad about you in our presence. ",.....and similar repeating over and over again till "I don't know? What prompted you to call us?.....OK....thank you...goodbye."

The gist of what was going on is that he was kind of telling my wife, while grilling her to see what she might already know, was that he had been a life long crossdresser, who had recently realized or accepted that he was "trans" and that he, well now she, intended to live life as a woman from now on. He said his wife had known about the crossdressing for a long time but that she "freaked" when he told her was trans and she moved out. It seems he expected her to stay with him while he lived as a woman. Some wives can handle that, some can't. No blame either way.

He claimed that his wife was calling everyone they knew and telling them that he was a crossdresser, who was now identifying as trans, and that she never had any idea about either till just recently though she "knew all along". He made several statements to the effect of, "she's telling everyone that I have more panties than she has", and that "my lingerie is nicer than hers...." (My wife says the same thing about me....LOL).

In closing he, very succinctly, told my wife that he, now she, wanted to be referred to by female gender pronouns and...informed us of her new female name. At this point, she was unsure about gender reassignment surgery but told my wife she was taking hormones and even asked my wife (an RN/MSN) a few questions about them.

Like why? No matter what the circumstances of the "reveal" most of us can accept all of that. When friends and associates finally got over the initial shock enough to compare notes, it was the same thing. The wife had never called any of us. The first we had heard about their split, and the issues behind it, were when he called us.

When my wife finally talked to the wife she told us that he called everyone, friends, family, business associates...and told them the same story of the wife "telling everyone" when, in fact, it seems she had told no one. It was very odd and she blamed paranoia from his opioid abuse.

She said she did not know about the crossdressing until "recently" (within the last two years) after their recent move to the country. This was also when they'd become detached from friends. The new place, situated on several acres, had a detached shop with an upstairs apartment. It seems he took over the apartment, stocked it with his own female wardrobe, and would spend hours out there en femme while ostensibly working on mechanical projects (Hey, why not both?). At some point he had finally wandered into the main house while dressed (and also very stoned) and revealed what he referred to as a "little fetish" to his wife. After that, he would openly wander the property in women's clothing often in lieu of going anywhere or doing anything else.

In spite of the fact that she's a pretty conservative girl, regularly involved in church and church activities, she was faithful and supportive, if not a little confused and maybe curious at first. She accepted the situation till he said he was trans and intended to live as a woman which went beyond the kind of relationship she could handle. We found he had prepared for this as it was later revealed that he had sold off very valuable community property, without telling her, and closed joint accounts which resulted in a very acrimonious divorce.

Most of us, and especially my wife and I, tried to remain supportive of both of them. My wife still supports her business and they regularly talk and occasionally have girls night out. The ex-husband subsequently lost his license due to the cocktail of drugs he regularly consumes and my wife and I used to give him rides to events and activities....till he stopped asking.

I sometimes wondered if maybe I should have told "her" that I too am a crossdresser, and that I was often wearing panties and other lingerie under my clothing when we were going things together. Butt [sic], then, I also like to suck cock and get fucked in the ass while he apparently still prefers to be intimate with women. Since he later tried to take out credit in my name, in effect attempting identity theft, I'm glad I never trusted him with any of my "secrets".

 

[stickygirl]

Looking for some serious answers.

Husband and I are separating.

He told our adult daughter, who lives with us, that he is a crossdresser, has been his whole life, that I know, and that I am jealous of his femme persona.

He told her we have done things sexually as a couple with other men. And that I had an affair

I was not aware he was going to do this. And now I don't know what I will,fave.

I thought we would do it together.

Wow - there is so much emotional dynamic here you could run a small town for a year. As a young adult myself and, as others have said, don't over-share information: your daughter already has enough to deal with. Keep things honest and factual; be supportive, listen; give her space to figure out wtf the two people in her life are doing. She is going to feel hurt and disorientated. If she asks then tell her, but be the rock she needs through this.

As for you - same thing really. Get up in the morning, stick to your routine as far as you can and deal with one thing at a time. Find a decent lawyer.

Good luck

 

[muycurioso]

your daughter

check on her mental health. she may be taking this hard. you mentioned an affair. is that the reason for the divorce? your daughter may hold that against you especially if your husband tells her it hurt him badly. get your finances in order, ASAP. From now on expect to be recorded if you call your husband.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

check on her mental health. she may be taking this hard. you mentioned an affair. is that the reason for the divorce? your daughter may hold that against you especially if your husband tells her it hurt him badly. get your finances in order, ASAP. From now on expect to be recorded if you call your husband.

You nailed that one.

He told her about the affair and that hurt her more than hiding his crossdressing.
She is surprised I have a problem with it and didn't think she could handle it as an adult.
I won't fill in the blanks for her because I am being the bigger person.

She has had depression issues in the past, and is medicated. She had a long talk on the phone with a friend today. She was outside and I could see her body language. So far, so good.
But she apologized in advance for not being here when the moving truck comes. Said she will visit me, but she can't help or watch me walk out the door.

I understand and appreciate her honesty.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Wow - there is so much emotional dynamic here you could run a small town for a year. As a young adult myself and, as others have said, don't over-share information: your daughter already has enough to deal with. Keep things honest and factual; be supportive, listen; give her space to figure out wtf the two people in her life are doing. She is going to feel hurt and disorientated. If she asks then tell her, but be the rock she needs through this.

As for you - same thing really. Get up in the morning, stick to your routine as far as you can and deal with one thing at a time. Find a decent lawyer.

Good luck

 

[Bigboobbabe]

Thank you. I agree it was his story to tell. I had just hoped he would tell it as I was leaving, with both of us there. We have a family dynamic where he drops a bombshell and I spend hours cleaning it up. Or if she has news, and doesn't want dad to know, I have to hear about it at bedtime, night after night.

I have been very careful not to add fuel to the fire. And believe me when I say, its hard.

Thanks for the support.

First of all, I'd like to say it is always sad when a relationship ends, and worse when the children (however old) get drawn in

I've seen a fair few times when the end of any sense of 'us' leads to one party telling the kids or friends

Foe what it's worth, I think him 'coming out' to your daughter is his story to tell. Your story is yours, to tell or not to tell

I believe, now the story is out, there is nothing to be gained by not being truthful, but there is no need to overshare either. What about having an 'ask me what you want to know' session with your daughter?

Whatever happens to the home, whoever she lives with, she should be able to have a relationship with both parents, and that may depend on how you both cover your feelings about each other and make the her stuff about being with her. It's not that different to when there's a child involved

Anyway, hope I haven't rambled, and be strong, stay sane and know we are all here to help or just listen

 

[Iris_66]

Thank you. I agree it was his story to tell. I had just hoped he would tell it as I was leaving, with both of us there. We have a family dynamic where he drops a bombshell and I spend hours cleaning it up. Or if she has news, and doesn't want dad to know, I have to hear about it at bedtime, night after night.

I have been very careful not to add fuel to the fire. And believe me when I say, its hard.

Thanks for the support.

From reading the posts in this tread, you have a huge amount of stress to carry, and are doing an amazing job carrying it all

It sounds like there are a few of us with battle scars from similar situations, although everyones circumstances are unique and life calls for many highly balanced choices along the way

Many people have affairs, and while not looking to advocate infidelity, I don't think anyone has the right to comment as they don't have all the bits of information that led the person to make the choices they made

As for Affair outranks crossdressing (and I have crossed both lines), I don't think your ex is being fair, or logical. It's not a league table

That your daughter will still rely on you is a good sign, though it may seem like you are getting all the tougher bits of that relationship. It means she still wants and needs you

What about you for yourself though. Have you got close friends you can chat with? Do you feel ready to meet new people? You have a new life to build and it is important that you make it fun and exciting for YOU

 

[muycurioso]

that is terribly sad

You nailed that one.

He told her about the affair and that hurt her more than hiding his crossdressing.
She is surprised I have a problem with it and didn't think she could handle it as an adult.
I won't fill in the blanks for her because I am being the bigger person.

She has had depression issues in the past, and is medicated. She had a long talk on the phone with a friend today. She was outside and I could see her body language. So far, so good.
But she apologized in advance for not being here when the moving truck comes. Said she will visit me, but she can't help or watch me walk out the door.

I understand and appreciate her honesty.

"she can't watch when you leave." I won't get into my memories of my parents divorce.

 

[Bigboobbabe]

"she can't watch when you leave." I won't get into my memories of my parents divorce.

My step-mom left my dad when I was in college. Her son decided to "stay" and came back home to us during college breaks, not to his mom's apartment. It was funny.