Laughter is Contagious V2

[done_got_old]

I was at the checkout of a local Walmart.
The cashier rang up $46.64 charges.
I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64.
I gave the money back to her and told her that she
had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and
knew what she was doing, and she returned the money again.
I gave her the money back -- same scenario!
I departed the store with the $46.64.

 

[done_got_old]

A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet. "Madam, if I cannot clean this up within 5 minutes with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilly sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house." said the lady.

 

[done_got_old]

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte.
I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.'

"They're already buy-one- get-one-free," she said.

"So I guess they're both free." She handed me my free lattes, and I walked out the door.

 

[ga400us]

And that’s when the fight started…

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And then the fight started...
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started....
________________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.

 

[done_got_old]

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends, when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and asked, "Where?"

 

[done_got_old]

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

 

[done_got_old]

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has dark Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

 

[done_got_old]

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north; because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
]
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime; she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."

 

[ga400us]

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

Hahahaha

 

[done_got_old]

A man is talking to the family doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I think my wife’s going deaf.”

“Really?” says the doctor. “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep doing this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”

The man goes home and tries what the doctor told him. He walks in the front door, spots his wife across the room and says, “Hi, honey. What’s for dinner?”

He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” he repeats.

Still no answer. He asks her several more times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

 

[Corbal]

A man is talking to the family doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I think my wife’s going deaf.”

“Really?” says the doctor. “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep doing this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”

The man goes home and tries what the doctor told him. He walks in the front door, spots his wife across the room and says, “Hi, honey. What’s for dinner?”

He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” he repeats.

Still no answer. He asks her several more times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”

Amazing. Love it.

 

[FranklyFrank]

A man was driving his elderly mother and aunt on a trip through Florida. As they were traveling, they passed an exit sign for Kissimmee. His mom noted, “oh look, we are approaching Kiss-a-mee (all said together quickly) so we are getting closer to our hotel!

The man corrected his mother and replied, “Mom, I believe it’s pronounced ka-simmee (also said together quickly) and comes from the Native American word for long water.

But his mom was adamant that she was correct since she has traveled though Florida all her life.

The son knew he could not convince his mom so he dropped it as they exited the interstate and looked for a quick bite to eat.

While seated, there was a young girl cleaning tables. Mom called her over and asked, “Sweetie, we are not from around here, can you please correctly pronounce where we are?” Confident she would be proven correct!

The young girl was dumbfounded by the question but in her best customer service voice she replied,

“Bur-gurrr Kinggg! (also said together quickly)!

 

[done_got_old]

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional, and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

So I replied, "No Ma'am, The Pilot told us we're circling the airport, 3rd in line to land" .....


They Walk Among Us!

 

[done_got_old]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

 

[done_got_old]

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

 

[done_got_old]

My girlfriend isn't the brightest bulb. One day when she was being particularly dimwitted, I said in frustration, "What's your IQ anyway?!"

She shot back defiantly, "20/20!"

 

[done_got_old]

In one of my classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by saying, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

 

[done_got_old]

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?"

 

[done_got_old]

I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.


The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?"


"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."

 

[done_got_old]

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

 

[done_got_old]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

"Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[done_got_old]

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and has to take an eye test.

They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know that guy!"

 

[done_got_old]

I do miss the charities calling. I enjoyed talking to them. I’d ask a million and one questions and they’d patiently answer them all. If they called before 9am or during the dinner hour, I’d ask even more questions. Eventually I’d get around to asking how people qualified to receive help. “So you’re saying if I came from a broken home in St. Francois County in Missouri, I could possible get $200 a month? Okay, sign me up.” Dial tone.

 

[done_got_old]

My friend finally agreed to marry his long-time significant other.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've been thinking - now that we are married we should spend more time together. I think it's time you quit playing golf. Maybe you could sell your golf clubs."

My friend was startled, a horrified look was on his face. She said, "Oh, darling, what's wrong?"

He said, "For a minute there you sounded just like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, I didn't know you'd been married before!"

He replied, "I haven't!"

 

[Corbal]

My friend finally agreed to marry his long-time significant other.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've been thinking - now that we are married we should spend more time together. I think it's time you quit playing golf. Maybe you could sell your golf clubs."

My friend was startled, a horrified look was on his face. She said, "Oh, darling, what's wrong?"

He said, "For a minute there you sounded just like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, I didn't know you'd been married before!"

He replied, "I haven't!"

Love it