Online Domination/submission

[Master_Doctor]

@ Master350 Indeed. To begin with submission/domination starts in the mind. So people that have a deep imagination can make this work. My current M/s started online almost 15 years ago. Ive owned her for 14 and next month we will be married for 9.

That being said. YES, it takes much more energy and devotion on both parties to make it work. For the connection to stay connected. I remember having to be more imaginative and inventive to keep us both connected and involved.

The biggest problem, IMO and Experience is that online play/ relationships begin with people who may not have any skin in the game. Many people just dont associate on online person as a real person, only words on a screen... so they have zero remorse when they ghost the person they were supposed to be trying to build something sound with. Many people look at online play, in reality, as being nothing more than reading one of the hot and sexy stories, we have here on lit.

Perception is all over the place. funny story, I had on online relationship with someone who lived in CA, while I was in CO. After months she was going to come out and spend the holidays in Co, only a couple miles from where I lived (her family lived there) So, the plan was for her to spend 5 days to a week w/ me and the rest w/ her family. That way if things didnt go well, she could spend all the time w/ family... or if things went really badly she could spend most of the time with me.

The funny insane thing was. She actually got angry because I was exactly the same as my online persona. Reread that last line. Its not a type. She got pissed because I was the same person that she had been playing with for months. She was so accustomed to people showing a different face online and in person that she EXPECTED me to be different in person. My response. I couldnt help but laugh and explain to her that my friends like the fact that im consistent and have the same face on no matter whee you might know me from or where you would meet me.

So online can be fine and work well. IF both people have the same level of dedication to the dynamic.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

While the distance context does have issues re: privacy, they also (as I think you're suggesting) offer a level of safety, which we've already discussed.
Also, and I can't remember if I said this in my first post (and clearly I'm just too lazy to check), for those of us on the edges of map, they open things up a little. When you live in a small country, maintaining anonymity is pretty difficult, and there's also a much lower chance of bumping into someone with similar proclivities - not impossible, obviously, but it's a numbers game in the end.
I'm finding that now I'm not just in a small country, but in a very small town in that country, if wandering back into the online/phone world of sexual connection might be what I 'need' (inasmuch as I 'need' anything).
WTF did people in my position do before the interweb was invented? It's hard to imagine having something like that using international mail.

True story:
someone I met on lit, we bagan talking and I was very much against saying where I was from or giving anything close to my name. He chided me and told me that I could tell him my name, he could tell it to every single person he knew and they could tell it to every person they knew and our circles STILL would not cross. So I told him my first name. Not more than 10 minutes later we were talking about places we like to spend time and I mentioned X very small city in Y state. He gets dead quiet and says "did you just say X,Y?" .." Yes?" "I'm in... X,Y." I laughed and said, you do realize this means you can't use that bullshit line about no one knowing anyone else, ever again, right?"
It did seem like quite the serendipitous moment, and I think we pushed through a lot of questionable incompatibilities simply because neither of us could get past the possibility that there was another actual real perspective. We did end up meeting, and neither of us regret it, but it definitely wasnt he long term relationship either of us needed or wanted. Though he is a great person.

Soooooo all that to say, yes, when you live in a place where the perspective of real is limited, online is a very good place to start. That said, I refuse to view online as "play" just like I dont do "hookups". If I'm in a relationship with someone it is with the hope and intent to work towards a permanent mutually fulfilling relationship.



I agree with that MasterDoctor says about people sometimes not having "skin in the game" or people not really understanding that on the other side is a real person with real past, present, and future and all that that contributes to interactions.

 

[CutiePie963]

I agree with you. Talking to my online dom with his sexy voice in my ears is such a turn on. But that's exactly what you said it is...A safe bubble. Although I crave it to be real, but I also don't want to change what we have.

 

[sweettalk4u]

The only thing you can’t do is spank and tie. Though there are several self ties. One my special friend showed me is hot! Otherwise online can in many ways be more intense, more insightful and meaningful than face to face. Honest truthful and open minded gets you off on the right foot.

 

[CutiePie963]

The only thing you can’t do is spank and tie. Though there are several self ties. One my special friend showed me is hot! Otherwise online can in many ways be more intense, more insightful and meaningful than face to face. Honest truthful and open minded gets you off on the right foot.

I totally vouch for that....

 

[ToPleaseHim]

True story:
someone I met on lit, we bagan talking and I was very much against saying where I was from or giving anything close to my name. He chided me and told me that I could tell him my name, he could tell it to every single person he knew and they could tell it to every person they knew and our circles STILL would not cross. So I told him my first name. Not more than 10 minutes later we were talking about places we like to spend time and I mentioned X very small city in Y state. He gets dead quiet and says "did you just say X,Y?" .." Yes?" "I'm in... X,Y." I laughed and said, you do realize this means you can't use that bullshit line about no one knowing anyone else, ever again, right?"
It did seem like quite the serendipitous moment, and I think we pushed through a lot of questionable incompatibilities simply because neither of us could get past the possibility that there was another actual real perspective. We did end up meeting, and neither of us regret it, but it definitely wasnt he long term relationship either of us needed or wanted. Though he is a great person.

Soooooo all that to say, yes, when you live in a place where the perspective of real is limited, online is a very good place to start. That said, I refuse to view online as "play" just like I dont do "hookups". If I'm in a relationship with someone it is with the hope and intent to work towards a permanent mutually fulfilling relationship.



I agree with that MasterDoctor says about people sometimes not having "skin in the game" or people not really understanding that on the other side is a real person with real past, present, and future and all that that contributes to interactions.

Similarly, the first man I got serious with at Lit lives within one hour from me. We were stunned when we realized that. It can definitely happen. I’m thankful that he and I only had the best intentions for and with each other, but that isn’t always the case. Caution with personally identifying information is just smart. Even when we think we really know someone, it often isn’t the case as many of us have witnessed here at Lit time and time again (the show Catfish exists for a reason).

 

[t_platz4]

I enjoy it

I have played as a male sub online a few times. I think the best connection was with a woman with a very southern accent. The anticipation was very exciting... actual butterflies as I prepared for our first skype "meeting".

Being the submissive one, I was to reveal my body on cam, but I would just hear her voice.

While she could never reach out and spank me, or actual penetrate me with her strap on, there was some real intimacy throughout and it was a satisfying experience.

Unfortunately it is rare to make that connection and naturally we both often wanted to experience the real thing. And as with every online relationship I've had, it pretty much disappeared in a flash... because without the real life element, it is confined to fantasy and I think can be wiped out as real life, real relationships take over.

Still fun though... giving up some control, helping someone explore their fantasy and showing off... it is undeniably a rush.

 

[woman_early20s]

It has to be face to face contact with me.

Because with online, all you are in contact with, really, is a picture that could be anybody, and some text messages/e-mails that could be from anybody. The person on the other end could be male or female, they could be nothing at all what they claim to be, or they could just as easily be an online scammer. I need the intimacy of being in the physical presence of my dominant partner. Because I believe it is only with face to face encounters that one builds up the level trust that is necessary for D/s pay. Maybe AFTER we have played in real time, then continued with a distance relationship, it could work.

That said, I wouldn't mind discussing BDSM play with people online, in certain circumstances.

I know right!!

 

[Beth87]

I think the power of psychological pain is overlooked - not like mental abuse but the power of feeling like you've disappointed your Dom...that is far more potent to me both as a motivator and paired aphrodisiac than physical pain. I engage in the physical pain stuff as an act of submission but its less my thing. The best Ds relationship i had focussed more on orgasm command i guess. All via online or telephone

i think it requires a certain ability to immerse into the experience in a way thats not necessary in person.

Also...live camming exists. Some of the replies seem to have forgotten that. Iused to go on video all the time and submit to acts and punishments via that method. The most trusted of which had my address. Altho the lit user i now live with was not one of these guys coz he's not a Dom

 

[Replicant2018]

I’ve become an online sub and finding it very freeing. Maybe meet up with my Dom one day.

 

[cookiecat]

Does anyone worry about camming or sending pics and now they're out there, out of your hands?

I'm getting a bit cynical these days, but as a sub, I'm really tired of Doms telling me to get naked in a pic or dress up on cam and I don't get the same back.

I won't do it. If this person won't expose themselves, why should I?

 

[Replicant2018]

Does anyone worry about camming or sending pics and now they're out there, out of your hands?

I'm getting a bit cynical these days, but as a sub, I'm really tired of Doms telling me to get naked in a pic or dress up on cam and I don't get the same back.

I won't do it. If this person won't expose themselves, why should I?

I use Imgur and delete them later

 

[cookiecat]

I use Imgur and delete them later

But wouldn't the person on the other end still have them? Make a copy?

 

[Replicant2018]

Once deleted, they are gone. Other person doesn’t keep them either

 

[AnnieLit]

Once deleted, they are gone. Other person doesn’t keep them either

How do you know if he kept something or not? If they followed the link to imgur and just looked at your pucture there - sure, you can delete it. If they looked and downloaded it to their computer or phone, you don't have any access to that image.

 

[AnnieLit]

Does anyone worry about camming or sending pics and now they're out there, out of your hands?

I'm getting a bit cynical these days, but as a sub, I'm really tired of Doms telling me to get naked in a pic or dress up on cam and I don't get the same back.

I won't do it. If this person won't expose themselves, why should I?

For photos I go with the "no face pictures" rule. I know only one person that was not OK with that and kept pushing for one. I mean, only one of those that I did talk to at length, there were quite a few that tried to push for anything and did not like my replies at all

As for camming... I would have to really-really trust the person. Actually much more than for a physical contact.

 

[Beth87]

Its increasingly easy to screenshot

Yes i sometimes tire of it too. But, the people that i keep around me dont push for face and body pics. Or whole body camming.

Literally hate the “dont you trust me” stuff. Clearly not yet..but also stop emotionally blackmailing so you can get what you want for your wank bank

 

[cookiecat]

Its increasingly easy to screenshot

Yes i sometimes tire of it too. But, the people that i keep around me dont push for face and body pics. Or whole body camming.

Literally hate the “dont you trust me” stuff. Clearly not yet..but also stop emotionally blackmailing so you can get what you want for your wank bank

Yeah. I had a 2 year mostly phone thing. Never asked for pictures. We didnt know each others names. I had some of the most intense orgasms because he got in my head.

I've always wondered if it would have been as great if it were face to face.

As intimate and connected as it felt, it was pussy love. Lust. It was an aroused moment in time. It served a purpose.

I'm single again. I've tried online. I tried to go back with the phine guy. I just don't have the commitment to a voice. I'm OK with a masturbation partner when I'm in the mood. LOL. Not very subby of me.

I want the next person to be next to me. Hands on. Holding my hand after an intense scene or holding my hand as we grocery shop.

I didn't mean to take away from the point of the thread.

Online is good! And amazing at times.

 

[Beth87]

Yeah. I had a 2 year mostly phone thing. Never asked for pictures. We didnt know each others names. I had some of the most intense orgasms because he got in my head.

I've always wondered if it would have been as great if it were face to face.

As intimate and connected as it felt, it was pussy love. Lust. It was an aroused moment in time. It served a purpose.

I'm single again. I've tried online. I tried to go back with the phine guy. I just don't have the commitment to a voice. I'm OK with a masturbation partner when I'm in the mood. LOL. Not very subby of me.

I want the next person to be next to me. Hands on. Holding my hand after an intense scene or holding my hand as we grocery shop.

I didn't mean to take away from the point of the thread.

Online is good! And amazing at times.

Can really relate. I dont have same energy for online as i did when i joined here. And now i have a bf so the online thing has to be more casual.

 

[Primalex]

I've always wondered if it would have been as great if it were face to face.

I think some comparisons tend to end up as being not really useful.

You can compare a Wagyū steak and chicken nuggets and come to the conclusion that the Wagyū steak must be superior - which is true on some level, but weirdly somehow not always true on another level.

 

[Acktion]

I use Imgur and delete them later

Once deleted, they are gone. Other person doesn’t keep them either

I'm sorry. But, this is just simply incorrect. I have yet to find a platform for sharing images that they can not be saved to my harddrive. Imagur, all I had to do was right-click and "save as" and it was mine to do with as I wished. If nothing else, I can point a camera at my screen over my shoulder and record every damn thing I see. There is no "safe" platform for sharing over the internet that can't be captured if the person on the other end wishes to badly enough.

And, yes. One of my prereqs for playing with anyone has been that they will give me pictures. It doesn't have to be nudes. It doesn't even have to be of them, or anything recognizably them. Many times, the request has been as simple as a picture of the meal they are eating so that I can feel like I am sharing the experience with them. Disabled, housebound, and alone, and consigned to microwave dinners (when I bother heating it up rather than just cracking a can of something and eating it cold) it was my way of seeing something outside these four walls. Of experiencing anything other than the same routine and mix of memory and hallucinations. A way of feeling like I was there instead of trapped here.

Ironically, I have never asked a submissive for a nude photo. Because, quite frankly, that's just not how I work. And, yet somehow if you mention a photo, they make this leap rather than waiting for, much less asking for, specific direction. Because they assume that is what is wanted.

Hard to blame them, really, since I've seen many a faux Dom that felt miserable little subbies in frenzy were fish in a wank barrel on a catch and release program.

No. I wanted their submission. I wanted their mind. I wanted to possess their heart and soul. I wanted to know their past and direct their present and future. I wanted to matter again.

And they could give me that in other ways. By giving me what I asked for. By telling me what book they were reading and discussing their thoughts with me. By reading an assigned book if they didn't typically read (although only once was I unwise enough to allow myself to get involved with an illiterate). By coloring a picture for me. By taking a picture of something beautiful from their world they ran across in the course of each day. By simply telling me when they were home, when they were going out, and what they were doing.

By drinking a glass of water when I told them to without giving me backchat about how they aren't thirsty. I didn't ask if they were thirsty. And I said "water," not "tea" or "coffee" or "soda." I knew they had issues with hydration already and I had plans for later that night that they were going to need to be hydrated. And caffeine is a diuretic. Which means they would have been better off if they hadn't drunk anything.

(And never you mind what I may or may not have asked them sexually as that is no one's business except those of us that were there. When I remember it.)

And, yet, yes. I have demanded photos of some sort from all except the first I tried to play with or they didn't get what I had to offer. Why? Oh, sure, some of it is "wank fodder" as someone phrased it. Some of it is the control. But, for me... my once eidetic memory is failing under the onslaught of Parkinson's and short term memory is going first. I have learned to key memories to photos to offset in lieu of physical objects because I quickly learned that just wasn't going to be possible in this digital world. I have learned to make screen captures of conversations and review them the way most had to study in college to make sure I had the important information they gave me down. To record phone conversations and replay them on a loop until I could recite the conversation verbatim as I once could have without referencing a recording device.

I don't work. Not for a decade since my symptoms spiraled out of control. I have no hobbies. Little surviving family and don't see or hear from those save about once every three months. No friends that didn't drift away. Nothing else to spend my attention on. When I took a submissive, I gave her every bit of the attention everyone splits with everything else. Studied her like the scientist and scholar I once was. Typically, for every hour spent with her, I spent two pouring over transcripts, recordings, and photos. (And it was just fascinating how many would say they didn't say something when I was looking right at the screenshot capture of the words on the screen.)

And, yes. There are many that I once relied on to keep me sane that are nameless, faceless blurs because I had nothing to help me remember them. No visual cue to allow me to access what they had once meant to me, had done for me. Either because they never gave them or asked me to delete them when they had gotten all of the blood out of the stone they wished or because they hurt me badly enough that there was nothing pleasant that I wished to remember and I deleted them for the bliss of forgetfulness. And once they fell out of contact, they consigned themselves to being forgotten except for a blur that I know was once something important that I should have been able to recall as effortlessly as I can remember the twenty-seven tax forms we filled out in my last period social studies class my junior year every day for the last six weeks and what information we were tasked to fill in which slot.

***shrug***

I'm not encouraging you to bend to pressure to give your online Dom the photos he requests. Nor am I discouraging you from doing so. It is your choice whether you do or not. But, the idea that anything you post or send the person can not be captured or saved in some way is just plain wrong.

As for me, I am out of the online business save for one who I have a physical component with. And would be completely if she didn't live over five hours' drive away and only able to deliver her tender flesh beneath my cruelly caring hands occasionally.

 

[Dardesstra]

While the mental aspect of online can be powerful, nothing will replace the actual feel of his hands.

Having to keep legs spread and actually feeling the hurt of hands or cane or flogger is much more difficult.

The best part is knowing he's there to motivate me through it. His lips on mine, feeling his breath on my neck when he whispers "I know you can do this for me." Feeling his fingers on my nipples. Knowing he'll be there after.

Recently, I was playing with someone online. It was all about anal. It was fun, exciting. About five months into it, it was finally unsatisfying. I wanted his hands pushing bigger things into me. I wanted to suck his cock as my ass was filled up. The mental connection was amazing but eventually we both needed more.

Agree 100% that online is a great way to learn and explore. A safe but arousing way to feel connected if real life situations don't allow for physical connection.

Ultimately though, it's the in person, physical stuff where I can see, touch, feel that brings me the most satisfaction and submission.

I've gotta agree with Cookiecat. I found myself widowed after nearly 30 years with the same man, and we'd had a very active sex life up until about 4 hours before his death. Suddenly I found myself 3 months widowed, and along with the expected tears, fears and being broke, this was longer than I'd gone without sex since I was 18. I mean I played with myself and that relieved a bit of the stress and tension but not enough.

Something no one talks about on "widow/widower" sites is missing the sex. Missing the person, the hugs, their voice, yes. Missing the sex, no. Social media was also unknown to me. So, I got into Facebook and eventually a BDSM site but at 18 months widowed, while I'd had a few online relationships that lasted months, and it was better than playing alone (for the most part),
Virtual just wasn't enough. And while talk of actually meeting up had occurred in my online relationships, none of it ever came to fruition.

Finally, after I was left feeling somewhat abandoned by my new online Dom, I accepted the offer of dinner date with a man I met online. Now, he wasn't from a BDSM site and we'd never played or even discussed sex. Long story short, the night ended in me narrowly escaping being raped. And yet I still wanted, needed real sex, just with someone of MY choosing, WITH MY CONSENT.

Shortly thereafter I met a Dom online and we started talking. And flirting. And sharing. It wasn't more than a month before I found myself driving the 5 hours it would take to reach him. In the weeks before, during our talks, I discovered we had much the same ideas about sex, he was widowed just weeks before me and along with being intelligent, he had good taste in music. But to be honest, it was mostly the sex. I decided that I wanted him and online was NOT enough. So I asked him what he'd do if I showed up on his doorstep and I REALLY liked his answer. I told him I was, in fact coming to him, to be fucked, to be used however he wanted, and I did just that. And it was a mindblowing few days where expectations that had built up online were not only met, but surpassed. Sexually satiated for the first time in over a year and a half, a strange thing happened, I fell in love.

To get back on topic, I've made the five hour drive many times now as we are nearing the 1 year mark in our relationship. And while we play virtually most every day and he's quite adept at making me cum and cum hard, online. I find the virtual sex is like bread and water. It keeps me going until the next time I feel his hands upon my flesh, the breath of his voice causing my skin to pebble in goosebumps. I have found, that for me, online just isn't enough.

 

[Ginlover]

I get that, but if you've been in contact with someone over months, it's pretty hard for them to maintain that sort of deception. Something gives. And obviously if there's phone contact involved, falsifying gender is pretty difficult - not impossible, but difficult. They could still be lying about what they look like, if you've bothered to find out ... but if I'd been that cautious, I would have missed the amazing year long thing that was where I discovered my d/s tendencies.

I'm still working through this thread but need to reply to this. Yes it can go on for years. A friend uncovered a heavily bearded guy who had played a 24 yo submissive girl for 10 years. He moved between chat rooms/ sites. Hes straight and not trans. He just got annoyed being ignored as a man so took on his ex girlfriends identify. Then he got a kick out of fooling dominante men in to thinking he was a young woman. And he successfully maintained a dynamic with so long term online ministers.

Photos lots of photos and that's what caught him out
He never aged. Lots of people lie about their age but this 24 yo woman still looked 24 years old at 34?????

As an extra warning when this was taken to the chat hosts with this guys full written confession and actual photo they refused to remove him.or his 10 accounts. In fact last I check he is cruding around looking for a Dom by pretending to still be a young woman.

Apparently consent is not needed online

 

[Ginlover]

I've gotta agree with Cookiecat. I found myself widowed after nearly 30 years with the same man, and we'd had a very active sex life up until about 4 hours before his death. Suddenly I found myself 3 months widowed, and along with the expected tears, fears and being broke, this was longer than I'd gone without sex since I was 18. I mean I played with myself and that relieved a bit of the stress and tension but not enough.

Something no one talks about on "widow/widower" sites is missing the sex. Missing the person, the hugs, their voice, yes. Missing the sex, no. Social media was also unknown to me. So, I got into Facebook and eventually a BDSM site but at 18 months widowed, while I'd had a few online relationships that lasted months, and it was better than playing alone (for the most part),
Virtual just wasn't enough. And while talk of actually meeting up had occurred in my online relationships, none of it ever came to fruition.

Finally, after I was left feeling somewhat abandoned by my new online Dom, I accepted the offer of dinner date with a man I met online. Now, he wasn't from a BDSM site and we'd never played or even discussed sex. Long story short, the night ended in me narrowly escaping being raped. And yet I still wanted, needed real sex, just with someone of MY choosing, WITH MY CONSENT.

Shortly thereafter I met a Dom online and we started talking. And flirting. And sharing. It wasn't more than a month before I found myself driving the 5 hours it would take to reach him. In the weeks before, during our talks, I discovered we had much the same ideas about sex, he was widowed just weeks before me and along with being intelligent, he had good taste in music. But to be honest, it was mostly the sex. I decided that I wanted him and online was NOT enough. So I asked him what he'd do if I showed up on his doorstep and I REALLY liked his answer. I told him I was, in fact coming to him, to be fucked, to be used however he wanted, and I did just that. And it was a mindblowing few days where expectations that had built up online were not only met, but surpassed. Sexually satiated for the first time in over a year and a half, a strange thing happened, I fell in love.

To get back on topic, I've made the five hour drive many times now as we are nearing the 1 year mark in our relationship. And while we play virtually most every day and he's quite adept at making me cum and cum hard, online. I find the virtual sex is like bread and water. It keeps me going until the next time I feel his hands upon my flesh, the breath of his voice causing my skin to pebble in goosebumps. I have found, that for me, online just isn't enough.

And I covid social distancing this is how many new relationships will.have to start. Thank you for sharing,

 

[Enchanted_DreamSam]

Thanks for creating this thread. At one point I tried a BDSM relationship online, only I don't think I built up a lot of trust with that person in order to develop it further. Trust is extremely important, especially if it's online. It takes awhile before you find the person you feel comfortable with and can open up too about things. I've had a few Dom's who demanded things from me right off from the start and it scared me off because I barely knew them. Within almost minutes of meeting me, they demanded things of me and expected me to follow there orders. Guess it works for everything different, I just know I need to feel comfortable with that person. That's important to me. If I don't feel completely comfortable with them, I will end up getting scared off. This is just my experience though and I think everyone's is different.