Sexless Marriages

[Lost_Yonder]

Lost Yonder ... the case studies are merely an average and the parents were not trying to weaponize their children against one another. I've seen too many kids used as weapons by the parents to hurt each other and it is bad for the child too. I would have to go back and reread but I believe the intent of the parents was to normalize things for the children ... a selfless act in my opinion.

That I can see - if the parents are honest, in open communication, and committed to raising their children then it does make sense. But I wonder how many spouses in a bad marriage actually have that capacity to behave so honestly with one another? At some point, the frustrations, the felling of being trapped, the anger bubbles up to the surface...

Interesting discussion, though obviously, each of us make our own decisions, evaluate the nature of our own marriages - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and weigh our various options.

As for myself, like some others, I actually have, generally, a decent relationship with my wife - but it is more like good friends. We don't have kids, so makes it somewhat easier. We connect on many levels and share a lot, except sex. We still cuddle, hug, and play around, but haven't kissed or done anything sexual in years and years and years.

Early on I chose to have affairs, to find that sexual intimacy I was missing - it worked for me. I went a bit overboard with it though, it almost became addictive, the thrill of the hookup, forgetting that what I actually needed was the intimacy which a hookup doesn't provide. Now it has been several years since my last affair and thus several years since I last had sex - it sucks...

 

[GreenManOfTheWood]

That I can see - if the parents are honest, in open communication, and committed to raising their children then it does make sense. But I wonder how many spouses in a bad marriage actually have that capacity to behave so honestly with one another? At some point, the frustrations, the felling of being trapped, the anger bubbles up to the surface...

Interesting discussion, though obviously, each of us make our own decisions, evaluate the nature of our own marriages - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and weigh our various options.

As for myself, like some others, I actually have, generally, a decent relationship with my wife - but it is more like good friends. We don't have kids, so makes it somewhat easier. We connect on many levels and share a lot, except sex. We still cuddle, hug, and play around, but haven't kissed or done anything sexual in years and years and years.

Early on I chose to have affairs, to find that sexual intimacy I was missing - it worked for me. I went a bit overboard with it though, it almost became addictive, the thrill of the hookup, forgetting that what I actually needed was the intimacy which a hookup doesn't provide. Now it has been several years since my last affair and thus several years since I last had sex - it sucks...

You make an excellent point about that capacity for civil behavior and how couples interrelate. There are plenty of divorced couples who have surprised me when I've discovered they're divorced ... Their behavior toward each other is so good. I see the correlation with their kids too, more baseline behavior with a greatly reduced number of baggage pieces.
I am sorry to hear about your dry spell in recently ... That does suck, like a chest wound. I wish you luck in finding someone to bring you Joy.

 

[MatureChattyMann]

Staying civilised in any context sounds like the best option doesn't it?
When it's a partner's health that fractures things though it's a different starting point an I find that being civilised is less of an issue than not slipping into pity, for self or her. It is what it is and acceptance, not fighting it, but living with it, accepting the new norm, keeps the civility, sanity and warmth.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Staying civilised in any context sounds like the best option doesn't it?
When it's a partner's health that fractures things though it's a different starting point an I find that being civilised is less of an issue than not slipping into pity, for self or her. It is what it is and acceptance, not fighting it, but living with it, accepting the new norm, keeps the civility, sanity and warmth.

I am sorry about your situation, that seems to be the case for many here. I'm wondering, if you don't mind me prying too much - is the lack of sex something she has spoken about? has she expressed any sympathy for your situation? have you two ever spoken about it?

 

[DDBustyBrit]

The child’s viewpoint...

jayjay ... I read this and it made me stop and think. My heart goes out to you. I posted earlier in this thread and I too stay for my child. If it helps any, I read way too much research in an average day and have consumed any number of clinical studies that all conclude that divorce has a profound impact on children of all ages up through the end of high school. People may stay for themselves and their desire to see their child grow up but in doing so, they are serving to help that child develop with greater degree of emotional stability. I don’t know if that helps in any way but I wanted to pass it along.

So I’m going to come at this from the child’s perspective as this was me. When my dad did finally leave the marriage I was 21, he told me he consulted an attorney when I was 12 initially, but decided to stay for my sake.

My teenage years were far from happy as I got to watch my parents live in distant silence from each other. My own relationship with my mother was also affected, as she resented my close relationship with my dad.

So when he finally left when I was 21, two things happened. First my rock and protector deserted me and I was totally devastated. Secondly because I was viewed as an ‘adult’ I got dragged into the middle of the divorce and it was a nightmare. I said to him on a number of occasions, I wish you had left when I was 12. I’d have been protected more from the fallout being a child, my teenage memories would not be ruined, and I would not have been pushed to take sides.

But... that was just my experience and everyone is different.

I also have seen the studies and research, it’s definitely strongly in favor of staying for the good of the child. However, both my younger brother and I needed psychiatric help in our early twenties to deal with the effects of our parents staying together!

Having said all this though, I would always support a man who wanted to stay. As I can’t be certain it wouldn’t have been worse going through my teenage years without my dad in the picture.

One thing I do believe though... once that child is grown, don’t waste another minute of your precious life waiting for things to ‘improve’.

 

[MatureChattyMann]

I am sorry about your situation, that seems to be the case for many here. I'm wondering, if you don't mind me prying too much - is the lack of sex something she has spoken about? has she expressed any sympathy for your situation? have you two ever spoken about it?

Oh goodness yes, a great deal. We are settled to the situation, not that wistful memories of what once was don't creep in from time to time.

 

[HampshireBoy]

I do wonder, and this is more a broad/general reflection rather than directed to anyone in particular, when people start believing that they stay with their spouses "for the children" - do you really think the children are better off being part of a dynfunctional, if not outright negative, household? Wouldn't kids be better off seeing their parents happy, perhaps remarried in a positive/caring relationship?

My parents divorced when I was fairly young in days when it was still very uncommon. Yes, it was difficult and no doubt there are lingering issues, but there would have been issues too had my parents stayed together and continued to fight/argue and create tension in the household.

If you really want to raise your kids in a good home, doesn't that mean having a good marriage? And if that isn't possible, isn't divorce actually better for the kids???

My parents split when I was 3 and the divorce finally completed when I was 7, it took a long time in those days. My dad moved away and was never reliable about getting in touch. However with plenty of loving family around us I had good examples of couples and parenting. However I think him abandoning us made me cling on to my own marriage too long.

My wife left us when the boys were 7 and 5, not for another man she just was fed up with being a housewife and mother. With 20-20 hindsight I shouldn't have let her come back 4 months later.

Our boys grew up with a wife and mother that didn't hug and rarely kissed, though she loves them in her own way. It was obvious for a very long time that neither of us was happy and I realise now that we were both just hanging on until the boys left home. There was very occasional sex but she is a lot less bothered about it than I am, plus it became a weapon in the sniping battle.

The boys were 14 and 12 when we finally split, it was traumatic for them but luckily we were both determined that they came first - though not always agreeing on what was best for them. So they have seen a pretty good example of how to stay friendly despite the end of a marriage. We had both seen couples use their kids as weapons and were determined not to do that. I'm not saying that it was easy, she was a real bitch over some things and I am sure she would say that I was a bastard at times.

What the boys have now seen is their father married, with a loving wife, who obviously cares deeply for me and my sons. Giving them a good example of what can happen. They even both come willingly to both of us for hugs to say hello and goodbye, which they never would have done a few years ago.

So on the whole, despite the trauma to get there, I think my kids are better off with divorced and happy parents than still married and unhappy ones. But every case is different.

 

[GreenManOfTheWood]

At the End of the day ...

I guess all of this only goes to show that we need to be self-assessing and honest with ourselves about our own ability to be civil and understanding, even when things are most difficult. Everyone is different and each has a different number of possible tracks laid out in front of them to choose from right now. Research and personal anecdotes may give you more view-points and data to make a decision from but in the end, you must know yourself and make the best choice for you.
I wish everyone well in their pursuit of their own best choice.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

I guess all of this only goes to show that we need to be self-assessing and honest with ourselves about our own ability to be civil and understanding, even when things are most difficult. Everyone is different and each has a different number of possible tracks laid out in front of them to choose from right now. Research and personal anecdotes may give you more view-points and data to make a decision from but in the end, you must know yourself and make the best choice for you.
I wish everyone well in their pursuit of their own best choice.

This I agree with wholeheartedly

 

[HampshireBoy]

I guess all of this only goes to show that we need to be self-assessing and honest with ourselves about our own ability to be civil and understanding, even when things are most difficult. Everyone is different and each has a different number of possible tracks laid out in front of them to choose from right now. Research and personal anecdotes may give you more view-points and data to make a decision from but in the end, you must know yourself and make the best choice for you.
I wish everyone well in their pursuit of their own best choice.

Very true, everyone's path is slightly different.

 

[jayjay04]

Little update, just asked her if we have problems and she basically balled it all out and we have split up (amicably).

I'm not sure it could have come at a worse time with the lockdown but hey ho, it's done.

Pretty gutted as it's over a decade of my life but at least I now know where I stand.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Little update, just asked her if we have problems and she basically balled it all out and we have split up (amicably).

I'm not sure it could have come at a worse time with the lockdown but hey ho, it's done.

Pretty gutted as it's over a decade of my life but at least I now know where I stand.

Well I’m so sorry and I totally understand it’s not a good time as well. I hope it remains amicable and you both get to stay safe

 

[OlderBtm4U]

Little update, just asked her if we have problems and she basically balled it all out and we have split up (amicably).

I'm not sure it could have come at a worse time with the lockdown but hey ho, it's done.

Pretty gutted as it's over a decade of my life but at least I now know where I stand.

I'm sure your future will be brighter.
Sounds like you have a good attitude and perspective.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Little update, just asked her if we have problems and she basically balled it all out and we have split up (amicably).

I'm not sure it could have come at a worse time with the lockdown but hey ho, it's done.

Pretty gutted as it's over a decade of my life but at least I now know where I stand.

I can only imagine the additional challenges of negotiating all of that given the current global situation and hope that you are able to surround yourself with family and friends for support as you move forward.

Good luck!

 

[hogjack]

As long as you have at least one limb available for self-pleasure a sexless marriage can be avoided.

 

[jayjay04]

Well I’m so sorry and I totally understand it’s not a good time as well. I hope it remains amicable and you both get to stay safe

It was your previous post that did it, although I think she would have probably said something within the month anyway.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

It was your previous post that did it, although I think she would have probably said something within the month anyway.

I assume you mean about being a child living in a bad marriage scenario?

I don’t like it has caused pain to anyone, but I wanted to share my own personal experience as there are two sides to this coin. Neither are right or wrong, this is a very personal decision.

I wish you nothing but the best and send a hug

 

[mcato]

Little update, just asked her if we have problems and she basically balled it all out and we have split up (amicably).

I'm not sure it could have come at a worse time with the lockdown but hey ho, it's done.

Pretty gutted as it's over a decade of my life but at least I now know where I stand.

Sounds like the band-aid has been ripped off and the healing can now begin. Stay Strong!

 

[WizardSoDirty]

Why?
In most cases there ~~~~~! probably very rare.

Here's the thing.... women almost never understand how men see them.
Also, men sometimes get a glimpse of how women see themselves, yet are mystified by it.

The exceptions to this on both sides of the arena can wield great power whether they are aware of having it or not... those that come to realize such can be awesome when they see that as a responsibility.... but it seems a large number of those that discover some of these things are more like a chimp with a hand grenade.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

A week ago today, the Universe decided to smile on me both professionally & personally. Still not sure what I did to deserve this blessing, but I’m eternally grateful. There can light at the end of this tunnel guys, we are in horrible times right now. Stay strong, be kind, stay safe, hang in there

 

[NightOfPassion2]

So I just heard I got the big Amazon promotion!!!! I have been running around the house screaming, no exaggeration it’s that much of a big deal I literally start tomorrow!! Within a few days I’ll have my own large team My only sadness is I will no longer be talking to the customers... but I’ll be training others to do it and mentoring and nurturing them

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

If you really want to raise your kids in a good home, doesn't that mean having a good marriage? And if that isn't possible, isn't divorce actually better for the kids???

Until recently I thought staying in my dreadful marriage was the right thing to do to give my son a stable home. He's mid 20's now and has been going through troubled times with his girlfriend, one day I told him that, when there were more bad days than good days, he needed to get out .......... his reply was, 'well, why are you still with Dad?'

I'm really not sure sure I did the right thing at all, I'd hate for him to just accept and exist rather than love and enjoy.

 

[Mtnmike]

Until recently I thought staying in my dreadful marriage was the right thing to do to give my son a stable home. He's mid 20's now and has been going through troubled times with his girlfriend, one day I told him that, when there were more bad days than good days, he needed to get out .......... his reply was, 'well, why are you still with Dad?'

I'm really not sure sure I did the right thing at all, I'd hate for him to just accept and exist rather than love and enjoy.

Know what you're saying, didn't the same and when the girls went out on their own, they asked me the same thing. So who really knows what's the best.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Until recently I thought staying in my dreadful marriage was the right thing to do to give my son a stable home. He's mid 20's now and has been going through troubled times with his girlfriend, one day I told him that, when there were more bad days than good days, he needed to get out .......... his reply was, 'well, why are you still with Dad?'

I'm really not sure sure I did the right thing at all, I'd hate for him to just accept and exist rather than love and enjoy.

I hope you find happiness again in your future. You did the best you could at the time with all the knowledge you had to hand, try not to question it in retrospect.

But I think there is probably as much evidence for leaving as there is for staying, if you talk to the children in later years. Children see much more than parents realize.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Until recently I thought staying in my dreadful marriage was the right thing to do to give my son a stable home. He's mid 20's now and has been going through troubled times with his girlfriend, one day I told him that, when there were more bad days than good days, he needed to get out .......... his reply was, 'well, why are you still with Dad?'

I'm really not sure sure I did the right thing at all, I'd hate for him to just accept and exist rather than love and enjoy.

We never know if we did the right thing in so many of the choices we make in life! There are some things I can say I did that I regret, but honestly, I don't really know if it would have been the better thing to do in the long run. The challenge we have is that every choice we make impacts others and not always for the best, but all we can do is try and be honest and open with them and let them see the weight of the decision...