How to start over?

[Catshadow]

How does a sub move forward after having their trust broken. I said in a private message some where that right now I feel like a squished bug.
Yes I am looking for a therapist. But would like to hear from those who have been there as well.

Thank you for your time.

 

[MistressOfAlaok]

I know for many subs, it is something that is not just a sexual role. It is part of you, part of your character, your being. You cant separate it from yourself.

BUT there is more to you than being a sub. Focus on the more for a while. What makes you, you, besides being submissive?

What hobbies do you have? What sexual acts (that dont require a Dominant partner) do you enjoy? What makes you laugh during any average day? Who do you like to talk to or hang out with?

Yes, it can be hard to miss the 'being submissive' part of yourself for a while, especially if you feel like it was ripped from you, as your trust was broken, but just focus on how you are more than that. Find some happiness in the other parts of you. You hopefully will feel happier, doing some of the things that also are part of you. Once happier, you will hopefully also gain the confidence to get back into other things...

 

[Catshadow]

So therapist search is over now we're just working out logistics. Sooner would have been better. Before i tried to break my hand punching walls.

Just a note to all you tops don't ever neglected your self destructive subs. If you don't take care we will find an outlet for the pain ourselves.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

Hugs gently. Would it be okay to PM you, catsshadow?

 

[seela]

So therapist search is over now we're just working out logistics. Sooner would have been better. Before i tried to break my hand punching walls.

Just a note to all you tops don't ever neglected your self destructive subs. If you don't take care we will find an outlet for the pain ourselves.

I'm very sorry you're feeling bad and I'm glad to hear you've found a suitable therapist to help you work through the difficult times. Rebuilding trust can be a very arduous journey and it takes a lot of effort if you want to make it work again. If it's a break up situation, time will help eventually.


That said, while I agree that neglect is never good if it's not agreed upon and break ups should in an ideal world be amicable and gentle for all parties, I'm also worried about the statement here that the emotional well-being of the submissive is entirely the responsibility of the dominant party.

That is not a fair burden to place on another person. Even if the relationship is based on a very clear power imbalance, even the party with less power has equal responsibility of themselves, their own well-being and of the success of the relationship. We are all consenting adults.

 

[SigShooter]

Our Response...

While being a submissive is a large part of who you are, for those who don’t understand this will inevitably create more of a chasm.
Submission is not only a characteristic, but also a nature trait. You must reconcile these within yourself.

Seela is right, YOU are responsible for your response. Even as a sub, you control your emotional and intimate responses and should not be subverted to anyone else.

Take ownership of yourself, and only then can you present the GIFT of yourself to another in submission. Trust is the most important factor of this dynamic and if it can’t be established first, the. You need to keep searching, both internally AND externally.

Submission is a gift, and should only be offered to those who know how to appreciate and honor it as such.

 

[cookiecat]

So therapist search is over now we're just working out logistics. Sooner would have been better. Before i tried to break my hand punching walls.

Just a note to all you tops don't ever neglected your self destructive subs. If you don't take care we will find an outlet for the pain ourselves.

How is it going, Catshadow?

D/s is such a balance when it comes to issues of mental health. Depending on routine, rules, depending on someone else for accountability and structure -- it's a huge responsibility for the D.

That being said, as others have mentioned, personal responsibility is way way more important. For a long time, I sought out a D/s relationship so someone else would "fix" me. I was desperate to be under someone's thumb, to have someone else hurt me because it was such a cathartic release.

It took a while but I realized I needed to come in to a relationship with a fairly healthy attitude. If I didn't feel like I could bring something to the table, I was just seeking a sadistic babysitter.

I'm not saying this is you -- I don't know your situation. Just replying to your comment about "self destructive subs."

Hope the therapist helps! Hope you have a good support system. And we're always here to listen.