Online Domination/submission

[Master350]

What do you BDSM fans think about this type of "play"? When there is no physical contact ie spanking or sex, the connection is purely mental. In my opinion, it takes a more intense effort for a submissive to follow the instructions of a distant dominant than to hold himself/herself in position while the dominant applies the whip or clamps etc.

 

[jackieblue808]

the mental aspect is incredibly powerful
a submissive having to use intense effort to obey without the dom actually there adds a layer of humiliation

 

[EdEc]

I've enjoyed this for around 35 years and a lot of women with whom I've chatted online enjoyed it also. They learned that they were turned on by a lot of things they had never contemplated in the past or things that they had never done with male partners, including husbands.

 

[cookiecat]

While the mental aspect of online can be powerful, nothing will replace the actual feel of his hands.

Having to keep legs spread and actually feeling the hurt of hands or cane or flogger is much more difficult.

The best part is knowing he's there to motivate me through it. His lips on mine, feeling his breath on my neck when he whispers "I know you can do this for me." Feeling his fingers on my nipples. Knowing he'll be there after.

Recently, I was playing with someone online. It was all about anal. It was fun, exciting. About five months into it, it was finally unsatisfying. I wanted his hands pushing bigger things into me. I wanted to suck his cock as my ass was filled up. The mental connection was amazing but eventually we both needed more.

Agree 100% that online is a great way to learn and explore. A safe but arousing way to feel connected if real life situations don't allow for physical connection.

Ultimately though, it's the in person, physical stuff where I can see, touch, feel that brings me the most satisfaction and submission.

 

[Knoturnal]

While the mental aspect of online can be powerful, nothing will replace the actual feel of his hands.

Having to keep legs spread and actually feeling the hurt of hands or cane or flogger is much more difficult.

The best part is knowing he's there to motivate me through it. His lips on mine, feeling his breath on my neck when he whispers "I know you can do this for me." Feeling his fingers on my nipples. Knowing he'll be there after.

Recently, I was playing with someone online. It was all about anal. It was fun, exciting. About five months into it, it was finally unsatisfying. I wanted his hands pushing bigger things into me. I wanted to suck his cock as my ass was filled up. The mental connection was amazing but eventually we both needed more.

Agree 100% that online is a great way to learn and explore. A safe but arousing way to feel connected if real life situations don't allow for physical connection.

Ultimately though, it's the in person, physical stuff where I can see, touch, feel that brings me the most satisfaction and submission.

^^^Thank you for this. Your words ring true. ^^^
There are some things that can be pleasurable but if you wish for something real there is no substitution for the realness.

 

[cookiecat]

This. It starts with the brain and ends with the pain.

I need this on a t-shirt!

 

[cookiecat]

^^^Thank you for this. Your words ring true. ^^^
There are some things that can be pleasurable but if you wish for something real there is no substitution for the realness.

My second t-shirt!!

 

[Blase]

I'm sure I would never have gotten involved in D/s if it weren't for coming to Lit and meeting someone who had some experience with it, then becoming a Dominant partner to her, although that relationship didn't last very long.

As EdEc said above, I've since been able to guide the explorations of a number of special women, and some of those times and people have become memories that I truly cherish.

 

[jackieblue808]

While the mental aspect of online can be powerful, nothing will replace the actual feel of his hands.

Having to keep legs spread and actually feeling the hurt of hands or cane or flogger is much more difficult.

The best part is knowing he's there to motivate me through it. His lips on mine, feeling his breath on my neck when he whispers "I know you can do this for me." Feeling his fingers on my nipples. Knowing he'll be there after.

Recently, I was playing with someone online. It was all about anal. It was fun, exciting. About five months into it, it was finally unsatisfying. I wanted his hands pushing bigger things into me. I wanted to suck his cock as my ass was filled up. The mental connection was amazing but eventually we both needed more.

Agree 100% that online is a great way to learn and explore. A safe but arousing way to feel connected if real life situations don't allow for physical connection.

Ultimately though, it's the in person, physical stuff where I can see, touch, feel that brings me the most satisfaction and submission.

you are totally correct about the hands on being the best part, but unfortunately that is not always possible.

 

[cookiecat]

My first BDSM experiences were on a site called bdsm library. This was probably 15 years ago. At that time, the site was really active, similar to Lit. Different forums: fun & games, politics, bdsm 101, personals, a pretty good chat room.

The section I REALLY liked was this training section - I just went back and looked, it was called The Tasking Society. You signed up as a "tasker" (Dominant / Domme) or "taskee" (submissive). (There hasn't been any activity on it for several years)

Dominants would get a task approved by some of the more experienced members. The task would be approved and posted. As a taskee, I would contact the tasker and ask permission to do it. Once completed, I would post about my experience under the task heading. So there might be 10 submissives/taskees posting about completing the same task.

One of the tasks I signed up for was riding a home-made "wooden" pony. It had instructions on how to set one up, how long to stay on, what I was to report. I recall others: enemas, Gorean positions, edging, looking up a bdsm checklist, completing and reporting on it. Some things were small (like the checklist), others felt bigger (like holding an enema).

It was a really cool way to learn about bdsm terms, protocol, what I liked, how to serve. It felt like a community of both people willing to share their experience and newbies like me who were pretty nervous.

It was there I actually met my first Dominant in the fun & games section of all places! We were online for about three months and then decided to meet.

I feel really fortunate I found this site when I first started. There is definitely a lot of postives about online!

 

[cookiecat]

you are totally correct about the hands on being the best part, but unfortunately that is not always possible.

oh for sure! And online is a great way to feel that connection.

 

[KimGordon67]

My original poly/kink thread (here, if anyone's interested) talked about this a bit, buried in there somewhere ... I agree with the comment above about it being a great space for exploration for the newbie. I was lucky enough, as that newbie, to find an experienced, patient, and adorable guy who started real slow and just let me go places I wanted to (with a little encouragement). After a year, I think even he was a bit surprised at how much we managed to accomplish over the phone ... I'm actually not sure if this fits the question of the OP, which was maybe more about online than phone, but there was the same lack of physical connection. However, the sound of his voice in my headphones was astoundingly intoxicating ... time differences meant his call would usually wake me at 5am, and the feeling of his voice washing over me while I was still half asleep was some sort of witchcraft.

I still miss him.

 

[Acktion]

I came at everything ass first. I learned off-line and organically. For decades. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that on-line, phone, camming, and everything LDR even became a blip on my radar. Prior to that, I just flat didn't get it. It seemed like it would be easier just to look up some porn to jack off to when on the rare occasions that my consenting partner(s) couldn't for whatever reason.

It's been a long, and often dark, road between there and here, with a steep learning gradient on my part. And I still fail more often across the phone line, or the internet, or vidphone, than I do in person.

But, while I accept partial responsibility for not being able to project my dominance across hundreds or even thousands of miles, as one little supposed people-pleaser submissive was so fond of saying to me when she got her nipple in a wringer about something, "it's not all about you." And, no, it wasn't. It was never about me. It was always about her and what she needed and what she wanted. Any time I so much as expressed a need, much less asked her to meet it, I was told to fuck right off.

And, from time to time, with her and others, I often wondered if they would feel the same way if I were standing right in front of them, their eyes locked onto mine as I gazed into their soul.

At the very least, I knew they would find it much harder to fool me like so many consistently did.

I readily admit I am still as much a neophyte to the LDR world as I am practiced in the off-line world. But, it does seem to me that the OP is correct. That it is much more intensive effort, on both sides of the slash. Beginning with total and complete openness and honesty.

But, I have found that it is possible to find that connection, that commitment, and it can be every bit as real.

 

[AnaE]

Have dabbled with it and just like face to face there's a whole range of amazing to dreadful. I think with online more of it comes down to your own mood and receptiveness at the time though as I think I place onto chat partners a lot of stuff without wanting to. Both grounded in reality from our chats but also from fantasy or just how the day has gone. On a good day these are all positives and add to the excitement but on others it's a bit self sabotaging maybe (though might get like that with negative comments from the guys when goes a bit cringe...... makes me think could be linked to bratty behaviour but don't know enough about that topic).

 

[PaxNurgle]

It has to be face to face contact with me.

Because with online, all you are in contact with, really, is a picture that could be anybody, and some text messages/e-mails that could be from anybody. The person on the other end could be male or female, they could be nothing at all what they claim to be, or they could just as easily be an online scammer. I need the intimacy of being in the physical presence of my dominant partner. Because I believe it is only with face to face encounters that one builds up the level trust that is necessary for D/s pay. Maybe AFTER we have played in real time, then continued with a distance relationship, it could work.

That said, I wouldn't mind discussing BDSM play with people online, in certain circumstances.

 

[KimGordon67]

It has to be face to face contact with me.

Because with online, all you are in contact with, really, is a picture that could be anybody, and some text messages/e-mails that could be from anybody. The person on the other end could be male or female, they could be nothing at all what they claim to be, or they could just as easily be an online scammer. I need the intimacy of being in the physical presence of my dominant partner. Because I believe it is only with face to face encounters that one builds up the level trust that is necessary for D/s pay. Maybe AFTER we have played in real time, then continued with a distance relationship, it could work.

That said, I wouldn't mind discussing BDSM play with people online, in certain circumstances.

I get that, but if you've been in contact with someone over months, it's pretty hard for them to maintain that sort of deception. Something gives. And obviously if there's phone contact involved, falsifying gender is pretty difficult - not impossible, but difficult. They could still be lying about what they look like, if you've bothered to find out ... but if I'd been that cautious, I would have missed the amazing year long thing that was where I discovered my d/s tendencies.

 

[VivianVixen]

My original poly/kink thread (here, if anyone's interested) talked about this a bit, buried in there somewhere ... I agree with the comment above about it being a great space for exploration for the newbie. I was lucky enough, as that newbie, to find an experienced, patient, and adorable guy who started real slow and just let me go places I wanted to (with a little encouragement). After a year, I think even he was a bit surprised at how much we managed to accomplish over the phone ... I'm actually not sure if this fits the question of the OP, which was maybe more about online than phone, but there was the same lack of physical connection. However, the sound of his voice in my headphones was astoundingly intoxicating ... time differences meant his call would usually wake me at 5am, and the feeling of his voice washing over me while I was still half asleep was some sort of witchcraft.

I still miss him.

I am finding this as well. That warm voice in your headphones or on Skype is a kind of magic. Would i like the actual reality of his hand, belt, paddle on me? Oh yes! But this safe bubble we have created is perfect for my real life situation which i don't want to change.

 

[littlebirdjoy]

My first BDSM experiences were on a site called bdsm library. This was probably 15 years ago. At that time, the site was really active, similar to Lit. Different forums: fun & games, politics, bdsm 101, personals, a pretty good chat room.

The section I REALLY liked was this training section - I just went back and looked, it was called The Tasking Society. You signed up as a "tasker" (Dominant / Domme) or "taskee" (submissive). (There hasn't been any activity on it for several years)

Dominants would get a task approved by some of the more experienced members. The task would be approved and posted. As a taskee, I would contact the tasker and ask permission to do it. Once completed, I would post about my experience under the task heading. So there might be 10 submissives/taskees posting about completing the same task.

One of the tasks I signed up for was riding a home-made "wooden" pony. It had instructions on how to set one up, how long to stay on, what I was to report. I recall others: enemas, Gorean positions, edging, looking up a bdsm checklist, completing and reporting on it. Some things were small (like the checklist), others felt bigger (like holding an enema).

It was a really cool way to learn about bdsm terms, protocol, what I liked, how to serve. It felt like a community of both people willing to share their experience and newbies like me who were pretty nervous.

It was there I actually met my first Dominant in the fun & games section of all places! We were online for about three months and then decided to meet.

I feel really fortunate I found this site when I first started. There is definitely a lot of postives about online!

Heya Cookie, thank you for posting this. There are two sites currently active that I'm aware of. One I would not recommend to my worst enemy because of the type of people there, but it has its purpose. If this sort of thing appeals to anyone and they like the idea that was just explained I will gladly direct you to the site. It is all about this concept and there are hundreds of active members. The conversation on the site leaves a lot to be desired, but if you like the "task and report" concept I can tell you where to go.

The second relates to more intellectual type tasks. If you need something to do with your time and like writing. I can send you in that direction as well.

Cheers, and I've officially been at this WAY too long.

~Angie

 

[KimGordon67]

I am finding this as well. That warm voice in your headphones or on Skype is a kind of magic. Would i like the actual reality of his hand, belt, paddle on me? Oh yes! But this safe bubble we have created is perfect for my real life situation which i don't want to change.

 

[Blase]

It has to be face to face contact with me.

Because with online, all you are in contact with, really, is a picture that could be anybody, and some text messages/e-mails that could be from anybody. The person on the other end could be male or female, they could be nothing at all what they claim to be, or they could just as easily be an online scammer. I need the intimacy of being in the physical presence of my dominant partner. Because I believe it is only with face to face encounters that one builds up the level trust that is necessary for D/s pay. Maybe AFTER we have played in real time, then continued with a distance relationship, it could work.

That said, I wouldn't mind discussing BDSM play with people online, in certain circumstances.

I get that, but if you've been in contact with someone over months, it's pretty hard for them to maintain that sort of deception. Something gives. And obviously if there's phone contact involved, falsifying gender is pretty difficult - not impossible, but difficult. They could still be lying about what they look like, if you've bothered to find out ... but if I'd been that cautious, I would have missed the amazing year long thing that was where I discovered my d/s tendencies.

Pax is right, *if* a relationship is text-only. Otherwise, I have to agree with Kim.

If webcams are involved, you pretty much know what you're dealing with... And even if things just get to the point of audio and pics, it's pretty difficult to fake certain things.

All D/s relationships have, or should have, limits designed to preserve both partner's safety and reputations. Online relationships perhaps carry some special concerns regarding privacy.

But the connections can be very real, and the intimacy can be totally hot.

 

[KimGordon67]

Pax is right, *if* a relationship is text-only. Otherwise, I have to agree with Kim.

If webcams are involved, you pretty much know what you're dealing with... And even if things just get to the point of audio and pics, it's pretty difficult to fake certain things.

All D/s relationships have, or should have, limits designed to preserve both partner's safety and reputations. Online relationships perhaps carry some special concerns regarding privacy.

But the connections can be very real, and the intimacy can be totally hot.

While the distance context does have issues re: privacy, they also (as I think you're suggesting) offer a level of safety, which we've already discussed.
Also, and I can't remember if I said this in my first post (and clearly I'm just too lazy to check), for those of us on the edges of map, they open things up a little. When you live in a small country, maintaining anonymity is pretty difficult, and there's also a much lower chance of bumping into someone with similar proclivities - not impossible, obviously, but it's a numbers game in the end.
I'm finding that now I'm not just in a small country, but in a very small town in that country, if wandering back into the online/phone world of sexual connection might be what I 'need' (inasmuch as I 'need' anything).
WTF did people in my position do before the interweb was invented? It's hard to imagine having something like that using international mail.

 

[jackieblue808]

When you live in a small country, maintaining anonymity is pretty difficult, and there's also a much lower chance of bumping into someone with similar proclivities - not impossible, obviously, but it's a numbers game in the end.

totally concur!

 

[AnnieLit]

Also, and I can't remember if I said this in my first post (and clearly I'm just too lazy to check), for those of us on the edges of map, they open things up a little. When you live in a small country, maintaining anonymity is pretty difficult, and there's also a much lower chance of bumping into someone with similar proclivities - not impossible, obviously, but it's a numbers game in the end.
I'm finding that now I'm not just in a small country, but in a very small town in that country, if wandering back into the online/phone world of sexual connection might be what I 'need' (inasmuch as I 'need' anything).
WTF did people in my position do before the interweb was invented? It's hard to imagine having something like that using international mail.

Sometimes big country and large city do not help much either. If you are 25 and single without any kids, then sure, you can find all the kink you can handle in 2 hours. If you are not all of that, it can take months, if not years, to find the right real life partner.

Why not have some online fun in the meantime?

 

[PaxNurgle]

It was pretty hard even at 25- trust me; and I was looking mainly for "vanilla" relationships then. Some people assume that just because you are in your 20's, hook-ups abound, but in both of the places I lived, it wasn't the case. It was this weird limbo where you were either too young and/or not established enough to attract people your own age (or even slightly younger), who wanted older and/or more established guys not living with a bunch of "bro's" in a rental house. Or, too old for the 18-25 year olds who were already married young, or at least already in deeply committed relationships. There just wasn't much of a singles scene in either place I lived.

But with online domination, I had a few experiences where I chatted up a partner I met on a website who sounded promising at first, only to have them drop the inevitable "Will you send me money for this/that/other thing" after a few conversations, and they essentially turned out to be nothing more than online scammers. I never actually SENT the money, mind you, but it still was enough to make me distrust making any commitments to someone I have never met face to face.

 

[AnnieLit]

It was pretty hard even at 25- trust me; and I was looking mainly for "vanilla" relationships then. Some people assume that just because you are in your 20's, hook-ups abound, but in both of the places I lived, it wasn't the case. It was this weird limbo where you were either too young and/or not established enough to attract people your own age (or even slightly younger), who wanted older and/or more established guys not living with a bunch of "bro's" in a rental house. Or, too old for the 18-25 year olds who were already married young, or at least already in deeply committed relationships. There just wasn't much of a singles scene in either place I lived.

But with online domination, I had a few experiences where I chatted up a partner I met on a website who sounded promising at first, only to have them drop the inevitable "Will you send me money for this/that/other thing" after a few conversations, and they essentially turned out to be nothing more than online scammers. I never actually SENT the money, mind you, but it still was enough to make me distrust making any commitments to someone I have never met face to face.

Sorry, I was talking from a female perspective. You just confirmed my point -- at 25 she is attractive to anybody from 25 and up, which is most of the population. At 45 it is very different.

As for the scammers, yes, there are plenty, of both sexes. Probably more females, or at least pretending to be females, than males, but this does not mean that there are no normal women that for whatever reason can't do it in real life, but are very much open to online play.

Chances are, if you meet somebody on Lit who posts regularly, who talks to people in the open, not just plays the word games to hike up their post count, that they are real people, who are here to have fun, not to make money.