Seeking feedback on pt. 2 of my true story

[neuroslut]

Hello again! I recently posted about another true encounter. It scored slightly better although in my opinion I think my writing was better in part one. If anyone cares to read it, or even read both, I’d be grateful to hear any and all comments that come to mind.

https://www.literotica.com/s/bootycalled-by-mcdreamy-pt-02

On a separate note - I am desperately trying to come up with a plot for my next piece based on a flirtatious relationship with one of my professors. We have a very open relationship about sex and he’s made it clear that he won’t abuse his power by hooking up with one of his students. I want to write a fantasy about him doing the exact opposite but I’m having trouble creating that character. If anyone has plot ideas or tips for writing about someone they know in real life, I’d love to hear them! If this is the wrong place to post this, I apologize, please let me know!

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[LesDesirable]

The biggest problem is in the tense. You began in past, then told the story in present. Stick with one tense - for this one preferably past, with more attention to the details of the encounter.

You have a lot of weak writing and sentences with tense problems:

"I couldn't believe how tight my pussy was gripping just one of his fingers; the fullness caused me to whimper softly at any slight movement."

The beginning should show the texting, and try to explain how she knew he was pleasantly surprised. . . it is OK to put a portion of your story into "text message format" if that is how they are holding a conversation. You could even add in a portion of the now partially ignored lecture as she texts.

A good effort, but for me the weaknesses exceed the strengths.

 

[neuroslut]

The biggest problem is in the tense. You began in past, then told the story in present. Stick with one tense - for this one preferably past, with more attention to the details of the encounter.

You have a lot of weak writing and sentences with tense problems:

"I couldn't believe how tight my pussy was gripping just one of his fingers; the fullness caused me to whimper softly at any slight movement."

The beginning should show the texting, and try to explain how she knew he was pleasantly surprised. . . it is OK to put a portion of your story into "text message format" if that is how they are holding a conversation. You could even add in a portion of the now partially ignored lecture as she texts.

A good effort, but for me the weaknesses exceed the strengths.

Thanks for your feedback! Pardon my naïveté, but what part of that sentence isn’t in the past tense? I agree it’s a little inconsistent but I’m struggling to see the issue in the sentence you picked as an example.

 

[LesDesirable]

Thanks for your feedback! Pardon my naïveté, but what part of that sentence isn’t in the past tense? I agree it’s a little inconsistent but I’m struggling to see the issue in the sentence you picked as an example.

The problem is that you were writing in present, as the action happened, then jumped to past for that sentence, then back to present, and so on. The preceding paragraph, and the following sentence, put that particular one out of place in your story.

That particular one, also had the misused "tight" and "the fullness" was also a slightly off phrasing.

 

[sbrooks103]

I have a basic problem with "true" stories. This is essentially a fiction site, no matter how true the story may be in your experience, unless we happen to know the people involved, calling the story "true" is meaningless.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I have a basic problem with "true" stories. This is essentially a fiction site, no matter how true the story may be in your experience, unless we happen to know the people involved, calling the story "true" is meaningless.

A true story is a recount of something that actually happened. The fact that a reader might not know the participants doesn't make it untrue. Yours is a false logic - it might be meaningless to you, but that doesn't make it meaningless nor untrue.

If you extend that logic, you're saying that the only truth involves people you know, which is clearly a nonsense. A writer is fully entitled to separate their truth from fiction, or to completely blur the lines. I do it all the time - it's quite meaningful to me.

 

[Cockhole]

I have a basic problem with "true" stories. This is essentially a fiction site, no matter how true the story may be in your experience, unless we happen to know the people involved, calling the story "true" is meaningless.

I tend to agree. There's typically no possible way to verify whether a story is true or not. Claiming that "Everything in this story is true" has become cliche. If a story is well written, I honestly couldn't care less if it was true or not.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

I have a basic problem with "true" stories. This is essentially a fiction site, no matter how true the story may be in your experience, unless we happen to know the people involved, calling the story "true" is meaningless.

Like you, I don’t personally care if a story on a free self-publishing erotica site is allegedly based on a true story, especially since there’s no independent method of auditing/verifying whether such claims are true or not and especially when the story’s plot and characters are somewhat pedestrian. But I don’t think it’s meaningless either, and for the very same reasons: this is a self-publishing erotica site, and so it’s entirely the author’s prerogative to write whatever turns him/her on within parameters of the site’s rules. And since there’s millions of readers, there’s very likely a sizeable audience for whom “based on a true-story” is a favorite genre.

NS, I read your ch.02, and I personally think you should be encouraged by the votes (already very close to 4.5!) and views. Your writing is clear and straightforward; on a quick read, I didn’t see any glaring structural or grammatical problems. Good luck with your story!

 

[neuroslut]

Like you, I don’t personally care if a story on a free self-publishing erotica site is allegedly based on a true story, especially since there’s no independent method of auditing/verifying whether such claims are true or not and especially when the story’s plot and characters are somewhat pedestrian. But I don’t think it’s meaningless either, and for the very same reasons: this is a self-publishing erotica site, and so it’s entirely the author’s prerogative to write whatever turns him/her on within parameters of the site’s rules. And since there’s millions of readers, there’s very likely a sizeable audience for whom “based on a true-story” is a favorite genre.

NS, I read your ch.02, and I personally think you should be encouraged by the votes (already very close to 4.5!) and views. Your writing is clear and straightforward; on a quick read, I didn’t see any glaring structural or grammatical problems. Good luck with your story!

This is an interesting thread, sorry I’m so late in responding to it! It never occurred to me that some find based-on-truth stories to be cliche; I always found them to be more compelling. Based on the number of messages I received after I posted the first one asking if it was really true I just assumed most people felt the same way I do. Although those results may be skewed by the fact that I’ve linked to this story from my FL profile.

VG, thank you for the read through and encouraging words! I was very proud to receive the coveted H on just my second story, even though it only lasted for a brief amount of time.

 

[neuroslut]

A true story is a recount of something that actually happened. The fact that a reader might not know the participants doesn't make it untrue. Yours is a false logic - it might be meaningless to you, but that doesn't make it meaningless nor untrue.

If you extend that logic, you're saying that the only truth involves people you know, which is clearly a nonsense. A writer is fully entitled to separate their truth from fiction, or to completely blur the lines. I do it all the time - it's quite meaningful to me.

It’s quite meaningful to me too. Happy to see you here again, electric blue!

 

[Touch_type]

Professor(s)

First up, you're brave for publishing your 'confessions' and then actively seeking comment and criticism from an author's forum. Hats off to you, I say. I'm glad to see that your fellow authors' comments have been considered and largely constructive.

Can I say that I loved the short, wham-bam style and read through most of the grammatical shortcomings without them jarring. The format perfectly fits the urgency with which the protagonists wanted each other, enjoyed each other and then got on with their lives. Wouldn't do for Romeo and Juliet, but for you, why not?

(I start all my stories telling myself to write short. Then I get tied up with incidents or new characters and before I know it I'm half-way through chapter 1 of War and Peace. Be brave and short if that's you.)

You asked about your professor and getting him to do the opposite of what actually happened. Here you are definitely into the realm of fiction. Seems to me there are two approaches you could try. First fantasy. I presume you fantasised a pathway for the two of you from classroom to bedroom (or the top of his desk, a cupboard storing anatomical models, the back wall of the bike shed, or wherever). Starting with real life and your real-life flirtations you could meld into your fantasy journey to consummation. Obviously, given the sanctions visited on academics exploiting their juniors, there'd be ample space for secret trysts, constant fears of betrayal and your realisation of the power to destroy his career you would have and his that he was profoundly vulnerable. Interesting power dynamics.

Another approach might be compositing a character. I have a couple of sisters who are professors. Their work stories contain just as many tales of unscrupulous, petty-minded bastards as when my own teachers saw getting into my female colleagues' knickers as one of the perks of the job. The difference is that sex with students is now off the table in the UK too. They backstab, bitch and betray their way up the career ladder instead. I presume your amour has good looks, charm and an outgoing personality. Substitute some of the less savoury character traits of profs you'd never screw in a million years (or indeed add them, we're all a mass of contradictions, or is that just me?) and see where that 'person' takes you.

Your strength, it seems to me, is your directness both in describing 'action' and your vulnerabilities and feelings. Applying that style to fictional scenarios and you'll come up with a winner.

Hope this isn't too patronising. I'm following you so I don't miss your next submission. Be quick!

 

[neuroslut]

First up, you're brave for publishing your 'confessions' and then actively seeking comment and criticism from an author's forum. Hats off to you, I say. I'm glad to see that your fellow authors' comments have been considered and largely constructive.

Can I say that I loved the short, wham-bam style and read through most of the grammatical shortcomings without them jarring. The format perfectly fits the urgency with which the protagonists wanted each other, enjoyed each other and then got on with their lives. Wouldn't do for Romeo and Juliet, but for you, why not?

(I start all my stories telling myself to write short. Then I get tied up with incidents or new characters and before I know it I'm half-way through chapter 1 of War and Peace. Be brave and short if that's you.)

You asked about your professor and getting him to do the opposite of what actually happened. Here you are definitely into the realm of fiction. Seems to me there are two approaches you could try. First fantasy. I presume you fantasised a pathway for the two of you from classroom to bedroom (or the top of his desk, a cupboard storing anatomical models, the back wall of the bike shed, or wherever). Starting with real life and your real-life flirtations you could meld into your fantasy journey to consummation. Obviously, given the sanctions visited on academics exploiting their juniors, there'd be ample space for secret trysts, constant fears of betrayal and your realisation of the power to destroy his career you would have and his that he was profoundly vulnerable. Interesting power dynamics.

Another approach might be compositing a character. I have a couple of sisters who are professors. Their work stories contain just as many tales of unscrupulous, petty-minded bastards as when my own teachers saw getting into my female colleagues' knickers as one of the perks of the job. The difference is that sex with students is now off the table in the UK too. They backstab, bitch and betray their way up the career ladder instead. I presume your amour has good looks, charm and an outgoing personality. Substitute some of the less savoury character traits of profs you'd never screw in a million years (or indeed add them, we're all a mass of contradictions, or is that just me?) and see where that 'person' takes you.

Your strength, it seems to me, is your directness both in describing 'action' and your vulnerabilities and feelings. Applying that style to fictional scenarios and you'll come up with a winner.

Hope this isn't too patronising. I'm following you so I don't miss your next submission. Be quick!

Haha brave? Under the veil of anonymity I don't think it takes too much courage. I've always wanted to be a writer so I just see it as an opportunity to improve my storytelling.

Thanks for the advice on my professor story. I have indeed fantasized about a million different ways it could go and I like your suggestion about creating a composite character. I'm going to keep that in mind going forward.

I'm glad you thought the style was appropriate and not too rushed. And I didn't find your comment to be patronizing, at least not compared to some others on here

I'm hoping to put something out in the next few weeks! Thank you for following!!

 

[Liethra]

Have to say the style really appealed to me as well! Maybe because it feels like something similar to what I'm trying to do with my own writing.

There's a really nice rhythm in many places, and I especially liked the beginning of the text. When it got to the sex I kind of disconnected a bit though, and I'm not entirely sure why. It might be that the rhythm feels a bit off in places, and others have a bit too much focus on the mechanical action, rather than the sensual aspects.

I also noticed some things that I've had to work with in my own writing:

"He runs his hands down the back side of my body, then up, pulling my athletic shorts up to get a nice view of my ass and give me a little wedgie."

***

"...my brain having suddenly lost all motor control and the ability to focus on anything other than his cock plowing into me over and over.

Suddenly he picks up the pace, pulling out..."

There are some places that have a bit of word repetition, that can make things feel a bit awkward. Small variations help a lot

"What a good girl," he says, looking down at me with a smirk. I smile up at him innocently, giving him my best puppy dog eyes with blowjob spit running down my face."

This is something I was reprimanded about myself, that it's better to not mix one person's dialogue and the other's response on the same line.

The tense issue has already been mentioned, so I won't go into that.


All that being said, I really liked it in general and look forward to more of your stuff! +1 follow.

(Also, I'm just an amateur speaking out of their ass, so take it with a grain of salt)