Let's Talk About... Betrayal

[Wild_Honey_66]

Betrayal.

Have you dealt with it in your life? Romantic? Professional? Other family or friends?
How do you define it?

Do you think it happens more often in romantic or non-romantic relationships?
Do you think it happens more often between people of the same or different sex?
Do you think it happens more often to younger folk, or as we age?

Which do you think is worse, the big betrayals or the small ones?
Which is worse: those that are sudden, or those that happen over time?
Which is worse: an unnexpected betrayal, or one that you see coming?
What makes a betrayal extra painful or difficult to get over?

Have you been able to forgive, heal, and move on after having been betrayed?
How have you done that? How long did it take? How difficult was it?
Do you deal with it differently now than you did when you were, say, in your twenties?
Do you feel that you're better at handling now than when you were younger?

How has having been betrayed changed you?
Do you feel that it's made you wiser? Bitter? Guarded? Or more compassionate and forgiving?

Have you ever been the one to do the betraying?
Did that change your perspective on the subject? How?
How difficult was it to gain forgiveness? Have you forgiven yourself?
Were you able to reconcile the relationship? Did it end, or just change?

What advice would you give to someone currently going through this, on either end?



Off you go! Discuss!

(Please feel free to add any questions or bring up any issues that i may have overlooked. )

 

[tnman03]

Oh wow... is this thread ever going to generate some posts that end up generating more posts.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Oh wow... is this thread ever going to generate some posts that end up generating more posts.

Oh. Huh. I didn't even think to bring up online vs. offline. Lol.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I’ll start simple and add more as I see fit.

My biggest betrayals have been by friends of the same sex. And yes, sadly, the last one I did see coming. She had done it to me before. Several times. Shame on me.
Luckily, in that case? I got over it. I have lots of other worthy friends.
Another woman, recently, was one of those, I have a BF, so I don’t need you anymore types. I thought I was past that kind of girl in HS, but I guess not.

Have I betrayed? Of course. Looking back, I realize it more than I did at the time, but yeah, I have intentionally hurt people for my own gain. I suck sometimes.

I probably have unknowingly betrayed friends as well. Especially online, when you don’t always know the whole story or become close with the “wrong person” because he’s also talking to your friend and 10 other women.

Little betrayals that occur over and over are harder for me to forgive and get over than one big event from an otherwise loyal friend. I usually just drop the habitual betrayer.

 

[AlwaysFara]

And any married person who is here without your spouse knowing is betraying that marriage.
I did it when I was still married. No judgement. But it’s good to step back and realize what we are doing once in awhile. Keeps us humble.

Okay. It keeps ME humble.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Betrayal is a violation of trust and consideration.
That might be an actual definition I’m not sure but it’s what popped into my head.
I’ve been betrayed, by friends, coworkers, people I’ve loved.
I think it damages you if they were important to you.
I’m sure I’ve done it to others in the past but I try very hard not to these days.
I strive to always be better than I was, this part is a big one for me.
Can I forgive it? Probably not fully if it was really big or happens regularly. Not if it mattered. If they mattered.
If it’s accidental or unintentional then of course we are all human

 

[AlwaysFara]

Professionally, I never really have been. Quite the opposite. I’ve been lucky in my career.

 

[Trekka]

Ohhhhh myyyy this is a big question.

 

[dashie33]

Is it still betrayal if the other person involved doesn't consider it to be? What if you have different viewpoints and they've happened to collide? You might be hurt, but they think they haven't done anything wrong. Do they still owe you an apology? Are your feelings still valid?

 

[LostGirlTink]

Is it still betrayal if the other person involved doesn't consider it to be? What if you have different viewpoints and they've happened to collide? You might be hurt, but they think they haven't done anything wrong. Do they still owe you an apology? Are your feelings still valid?

Your feelings are always valid.
Whether they owe you an apology is between the two of you but honestly if someone doesn’t think they did anything wrong an apology is meaningless anyway isn’t it?

 

[dashie33]

Your feelings are always valid.
Whether they owe you an apology is between the two of you but honestly if someone doesn’t think they did anything wrong an apology is meaningless anyway isn’t it?

Yeah, that's pretty much what I've been thinking for the past couple of days.

 

[DeckardNYC]

Is it still betrayal if the other person involved doesn't consider it to be? What if you have different viewpoints and they've happened to collide? You might be hurt, but they think they haven't done anything wrong. Do they still owe you an apology? Are your feelings still valid?

Beyond different viewpoints, what if they're that type of person who can always justify their actions as being right, do they ever really betray you?

 

[Shi_One81]

I’ve experienced betrayal from as early as a high school sophomore to just a few months ago, so I don’t think age has anything to do with it. I’ve always been to trusting and it’s bit me in the ass several times - whether it’s being cheated on or having friends turn out to be giant fuck sticks.

 

[LucianaGrace]

My advice for someone going through it...

It’s okay to feel the violation as deeply as you do. You’re allowed to feel angry. You’re allowed to feel as if you’re entire being has been broken beyond repair. You’ll feel everything...your past emotional connection lingers but something irreversible taints it. You’re allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.

Forgiveness is never about them. Never do it for them. Do it for yourself. And only when you’re ready to let the weight of their destruction go. Forgive them to free yourself. Forgive yourself too, if needed.

You’ll be okay.

 

[AlwaysFara]

My advice for someone going through it...

It’s okay to feel the violation as deeply as you do. You’re allowed to feel angry. You’re allowed to feel as if you’re entire being has been broken beyond repair. You’ll feel everything...your past emotional connection lingers but something irreversible taints it. You’re allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.

Forgiveness is never about them. Never do it for them. Do it for yourself. And only when you’re ready to let the weight of their destruction go. Forgive them to free yourself. Forgive yourself too, if needed.

You’ll be okay.

This.
Also, it doesn’t matter if THEY don’t see it as betrayal.
You do. You’re allowed to feel that, too.

 

[ydahecnot]

About the only real betrayal I ever felt was when my childhood best friend largely blew me off in college and then didn’t make me his best man. But we have become closer again; life’s too short to hold on to stuff

 

[PinkInPink]

The first betrayal I recall was my ex literally using the word "fat" to describe my post-baby tummy. I remember it so vividly because he said it so casually and matter-of-factly I could not believe that he did not believe it with every fiber of his being.

It literally felt like he had punched me in the stomach. He was the one person, then, I thought would always have my back and his comment was the symbolic first crack in the relationship.

It's a small thing, but it has stuck with me for almost 20 years now and has most surely made me very hesitant to trust people at a personal level.

Joe has been a godsend. We were friends and worked together when I was previously married and kept in touch since, but even though we are now almost inseparable I still find at times wanting him to reassure me, and even convince me, that he is not that guy. Joe responds by reminding me he once punched my ex in the balls when he (ex) got too rowdy at a party, so he thinks he has earned his chance to date me. As if

I think betrayal is one of the hardest feelings to overcome and depends a lot on your own temperament. I'm not the forgiving type and can hold that grudge for eternity. I saw Joe be betrayed recently and he forgave, in private, in a few days.

 

[PinkInPink]

My advice for someone going through it...

It’s okay to feel the violation as deeply as you do. You’re allowed to feel angry. You’re allowed to feel as if you’re entire being has been broken beyond repair. You’ll feel everything...your past emotional connection lingers but something irreversible taints it. You’re allowed to feel whatever it is you’re feeling.

Forgiveness is never about them. Never do it for them. Do it for yourself. And only when you’re ready to let the weight of their destruction go. Forgive them to free yourself. Forgive yourself too, if needed.

You’ll be okay.

If only I had heard and known these things many years ago. All of this is so true.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I don’t think you’re really going to find anyone here at Lit with opinions on betrayal.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Your feelings are always valid.

That’s a silly statement. Feelings are not always valid.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I don’t think you’re really going to find anyone here at Lit with opinions on betrayal.

I'm sure you're right. *nods*

That’s a silly statement. Feelings are not always valid.

LOL! You're a

 

[AlwaysFara]

I don’t think I’ve ever felt betrayed at Lit by a man because the things that eventuated with them I felt all along, in my gut, to be true and I ignored it. When they came out to be true I didn’t feel betrayed, I felt more a sense of hurt and disappointment and heartbreak, not really betrayal in the true sense of the word.

I would say the closest I have come to feeling betrayed on Lit was by a female friend.

In life, I’ve not felt betrayed. I have felt many other not so pleasant things, but betrayed is not one of them. I suppose I have been lucky in that regard.

Lit is a bad barometer.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I would say the closest I have come to feeling betrayed on Lit was by a female friend.

It happens a lot on Lit, I think. I've been betrayed several times by ladies I consider a friend, and it makes it more difficult to open up to other ladies after that. When you share confidences, they should remain confidences.

***
As far as online and married people, it's not my business what they are doing. My business is my reaction or part I play in that. You can't condemn the married folks for betrayal here if you've "played" with them.


You can always try to move past the betrayal and broken trust, but the relationship is never going to be the same, your eyes are opened a bit more and you see things differently. There's always a niggling sense of "wondering". I tend to distance myself emotionally before distancing myself from physically.

End ramble.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I'm sure you're right. *nods*



LOL! You're a

It's true. All feelings aren't valid. Have you read some of the things people say here? About their feelings? My Lord.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

It's true. All feelings aren't valid. Have you read some of the things people say here? About their feelings? My Lord.

You're such a hardass.