What would you do?

[Jada59]

I realize that some of us are older so this wouldn't apply to us now. So it's more of a hypothetical question.

I have a daughter who is an adult. She has many medical problems, some of which run on both sides of the family. I have some similar medical problems as does her dad.

Thing is... I did not know of any of these medical problems before I had her. I did know that I had high BP and allergies and her dad had high cholesterol.

I had her at age 39 so it was considered a high risk pregnancy. We had to go through genetic counseling because of my age. And extra fingers and toes were common on her dad's side of the family. I had a special ultrasound and an an extra finger was discovered. It was not fully formed. No bones in it. A hand surgeon was there for the birth and that was easily taken care of.

I started developing health problems during the pregnancy. Diabetes, thyroid problems, rashes and swelling of my feet and legs.

The genetic counseling did turn up all sorts of medical problems on both sides of the family, including diabetes. I had no clue of this prior! People tend not to talk of their medical problems and we moved out of state when I was 7 so I was rarely in touch with most of my relatives.

More medical problems were diagnosed for me and her dad after the pregnancy, including a bleeding disorder for me at age 59.

So... Now, my daughter is questioning why I had her. She feels that I set her up for a lifetime of problems. I don't even know what to reply to this. She does know that neither of us were aware of most of these problems before she was conceived. I can't really say something like... Had I known of these problems, I would not have had you. That would sound cruel.

Her mindset is that she knows she has problems so she will not reproduce and potentially pass on medical problems to a child. But... She really wants children and is afraid to adopt because she fears she could develop more medical problems and be unable to care for the child. Sadly, her medical problems started for her at a young age.

Sorry for the novel! My question being... Would medical problems affect whether you have children or not? I do feel if I had known of these problems prior, I would not have had a child. But I'm not a psychic! I did not know how this would pan out.

What are your thoughts on this?

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

Reproduction is our primary function as a lifeform, and then die to make room.

 

[Jada59]

Reproduction is our primary function as a lifeform, and then die to make room.

True. Thanks!

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

True. Thanks!

Most kids blame their parents for problems and conveniently forget their sacrifices. Tell her to grow the fuck up.

 

[ross22]

I realize that some of us are older so this wouldn't apply to us now. So it's more of a hypothetical question.

I have a daughter who is an adult. She has many medical problems, some of which run on both sides of the family. I have some similar medical problems as does her dad.

Thing is... I did not know of any of these medical problems before I had her. I did know that I had high BP and allergies and her dad had high cholesterol.

I had her at age 39 so it was considered a high risk pregnancy. We had to go through genetic counseling because of my age. And extra fingers and toes were common on her dad's side of the family. I had a special ultrasound and an an extra finger was discovered. It was not fully formed. No bones in it. A hand surgeon was there for the birth and that was easily taken care of.

I started developing health problems during the pregnancy. Diabetes, thyroid problems, rashes and swelling of my feet and legs.

The genetic counseling did turn up all sorts of medical problems on both sides of the family, including diabetes. I had no clue of this prior! People tend not to talk of their medical problems and we moved out of state when I was 7 so I was rarely in touch with most of my relatives.

More medical problems were diagnosed for me and her dad after the pregnancy, including a bleeding disorder for me at age 59.

So... Now, my daughter is questioning why I had her. She feels that I set her up for a lifetime of problems. I don't even know what to reply to this. She does know that neither of us were aware of most of these problems before she was conceived. I can't really say something like... Had I known of these problems, I would not have had you. That would sound cruel.

Her mindset is that she knows she has problems so she will not reproduce and potentially pass on medical problems to a child. But... She really wants children and is afraid to adopt because she fears she could develop more medical problems and be unable to care for the child. Sadly, her medical problems started for her at a young age.

Sorry for the novel! My question being... Would medical problems affect whether you have children or not? I do feel if I had known of these problems prior, I would not have had a child. But I'm not a psychic! I did not know how this would pan out.

What are your thoughts on this?

This is simplistic I realize but..you make the best decision you can with the facts you have at the time. Hugssszs

 

[Jada59]

Most kids blame their parents for problems and conveniently forget their sacrifices. Tell her to grow the fuck up.

Very much agree. She'll be 21 on Sat. I think being a real adult is scaring her!

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

Very much agree. She'll be 21 on Sat. I think being a real adult is scaring her!

I know I was still an idiot at 21 and look how I turned out.

 

[Kantarii]

I know I was still an idiot at 21 and look how I turned out.

You mean look how Luk turned out as a toys r us kid, right?

 

[Kantarii]

Very much agree. She'll be 21 on Sat. I think being a real adult is scaring her!

It’ll all pan out for her in time. Jada.

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

You mean look how Luk turned out as a toys r us kid, right?

Luke is so yesterday.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Everyone takes a different approach to this type of challenge, so, for what's worth, here is mine. I'll walk through it. It's not magic, it isn't a cure all, but more of a world view.

Everyone is going to die, sooner or later, of something or the other. Everyone is going to suffer, sooner or later, from something or the other. That is just the way the world works. What matters is the present and what we do in it and with it.

So, when it comes to genetic diseases, there are two kinds. The first kind - if you have the genes, you will get the disease. That's okay, because you know it is coming and you can prepare for it, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. You can make peace with it (or decide to go to war with it) before it unfolds.

The second kind, the genes lead to an increased probability of the disease manifesting, but not a certainty. As above, if you know you have the probability you can prepare for it and try and do those things that may impede it's development, such as Type II diabetes. There's a great book other there about these types of genetic predispositioned called "change in the house of fate". I highly recommend it.

Anyway, what I would encourage both your daughter and yourself (and anyone else who comes from a genetic background of medical problems) is this. Focus on living the life you want to live, love, have children, enjoy it, enjoy the moments. Adopt if that is what you would rather do (of course, adoption has some risk, genetically speaking, since often the parents are unknown). The love the child. Love life.

It's hard, but if you live life with the understanding that everyone dies, and it's rarely a pretty or pleasant experience, that suffering is the nature of life itself, you can find liberation from suffering itself, and live your best life. There are people, living now, who have every imaginable disease or condition known to man. Some of them suffer. Some of them don't. Some of them are living lives of fullness that even the most healthy of us would envy.

 

[Boxlicker101]

It is her choice and not yours. She might end up marrying a widower or divorced man with young children and helping to raise them.

 

[von_Bismarck]

I know I was still an idiot at 21 and look how I turned out.

Yep. Still an idiot.

 

[CandiCame]

I never wanted kids, partially because of that. And I never planned for it.

But like... shit happens. Condoms aren't 100% effective. So for your daughter to be pissed about it like... she's here now and she's gotta deal with it. You have to be solution oriented. It doesn't really do any good to postulate on alternate realities where you decided to do things differently. It is what it is.

As far as whether or not she has biological kids, I think ANYONE who has biological kids on purpose is unethical. I've talked about this a lot. Every pregnancy should be a surprise that you worked to prevent. We have enough humans. We're at a stage as a species where we can pick and choose when to bring more humans into the world. As someone who doesn't have a uterus, I can help with this, but at the end of the day it's not going to be up to me to decide, I can only support the person making the decision.

As for adoption... It's not really like... just "I want kids" is NOT a good enough reason to have kids. It should be a, "I want to dedicate my life to helping someone else". Like having kids is a big thing, and I hate the way a lot of people pretend like it's not and get pressured into it. This is a major problem and I've noticed that more people are speaking out on it. Because once you've got that kid you can't send it back. And with adoption, sometimes you're getting somebody who really does not need extra bullshit- you're getting kids who have already been in abusive or neglectful situations. They need somebody who's going to be there. So just make absolutely sure you're ready for that. I don't know what her specific health problems are, but when you have a kid, self care really goes on a back burner. You have to know that and make peace with it. So if it's terminal, it really might not be a good idea to get this kid and put them in a situation where they think they've finally found a stable supportive caregiver- and then die and leave them. One could argue that that would be selfish, that you just wanted a kid.

If it's just a chronic illness, you're probably fine, you'll just hurt a lot. That's what I do. That's a decision only your daughter can make. It's her call. No one can make it for her. Especially not me, I don't even know the severity of her medical issues, if she has a supportive partner to coparent, what her social support system is like, etc. There's a LOT of factors that go into whether or not you're ready for a kid.

Also, only tangentially related, but why can't a kid have six fingers? Like what does that do that would mess them up? Why is that a medical problem instead of just like... a kind of shitty mutant ability? I just ask because when you mentioned it my first thought was "Why was there a surgeon?" Because I'd just let my kid have 6 fingers.

Edit: Also, when you have a chronic hereditary disease, you do get real hyper vigilant about it, or at least I do, because my mental issues could have been fixed at literally any point but every adult just ignored them for some reason, despite me begging them to fix them. So pretty frequently, at least once a week I check in like, "Hey are you seeing/hearing/feeling things that aren't real? Like are you ok?"

Because there is nothing worse than having something legitimately wrong with you, telling the adults in your life who are supposed to take care of you that there's something legitimately wrong with you, and being ignored.

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

Everyone takes a different approach to this type of challenge, so, for what's worth, here is mine. I'll walk through it. It's not magic, it isn't a cure all, but more of a world view.

Everyone is going to die, sooner or later, of something or the other. Everyone is going to suffer, sooner or later, from something or the other. That is just the way the world works. What matters is the present and what we do in it and with it.

So, when it comes to genetic diseases, there are two kinds. The first kind - if you have the genes, you will get the disease. That's okay, because you know it is coming and you can prepare for it, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. You can make peace with it (or decide to go to war with it) before it unfolds.

The second kind, the genes lead to an increased probability of the disease manifesting, but not a certainty. As above, if you know you have the probability you can prepare for it and try and do those things that may impede it's development, such as Type II diabetes. There's a great book other there about these types of genetic predispositioned called "change in the house of fate". I highly recommend it.

Anyway, what I would encourage both your daughter and yourself (and anyone else who comes from a genetic background of medical problems) is this. Focus on living the life you want to live, love, have children, enjoy it, enjoy the moments. Adopt if that is what you would rather do (of course, adoption has some risk, genetically speaking, since often the parents are unknown). The love the child. Love life.

It's hard, but if you live life with the understanding that everyone dies, and it's rarely a pretty or pleasant experience, that suffering is the nature of life itself, you can find liberation from suffering itself, and live your best life. There are people, living now, who have every imaginable disease or condition known to man. Some of them suffer. Some of them don't. Some of them are living lives of fullness that even the most healthy of us would envy.

Genes. That can of worms is coming.

 

[Aquagal]

She ate her twin. No preconceiving for that.

 

[rae121452]

"i didn't know about 99% of the possible health problems. when i found out i was pregnant with you, i was so happy that i would have done anything just to have you. i loved you from the moment of conception...it never even crossed my mind that there might be some future consequence for both of us. and i'd do it all again, just to have you in my life."

if that doesn't thaw the little bitch's heart, shoot her in the head.

 

[Jada59]

This is simplistic I realize but..you make the best decision you can with the facts you have at the time. Hugssszs

Thanks!

 

[Jada59]

It’ll all pan out for her in time. Jada.

Yes. Thanks!

 

[Jada59]

Everyone takes a different approach to this type of challenge, so, for what's worth, here is mine. I'll walk through it. It's not magic, it isn't a cure all, but more of a world view.

Everyone is going to die, sooner or later, of something or the other. Everyone is going to suffer, sooner or later, from something or the other. That is just the way the world works. What matters is the present and what we do in it and with it.

So, when it comes to genetic diseases, there are two kinds. The first kind - if you have the genes, you will get the disease. That's okay, because you know it is coming and you can prepare for it, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. You can make peace with it (or decide to go to war with it) before it unfolds.

The second kind, the genes lead to an increased probability of the disease manifesting, but not a certainty. As above, if you know you have the probability you can prepare for it and try and do those things that may impede it's development, such as Type II diabetes. There's a great book other there about these types of genetic predispositioned called "change in the house of fate". I highly recommend it.

Anyway, what I would encourage both your daughter and yourself (and anyone else who comes from a genetic background of medical problems) is this. Focus on living the life you want to live, love, have children, enjoy it, enjoy the moments. Adopt if that is what you would rather do (of course, adoption has some risk, genetically speaking, since often the parents are unknown). The love the child. Love life.

It's hard, but if you live life with the understanding that everyone dies, and it's rarely a pretty or pleasant experience, that suffering is the nature of life itself, you can find liberation from suffering itself, and live your best life. There are people, living now, who have every imaginable disease or condition known to man. Some of them suffer. Some of them don't. Some of them are living lives of fullness that even the most healthy of us would envy.

Thanks! Makes sense.

 

[Jada59]

I know I was still an idiot at 21 and look how I turned out.

Hehe.

 

[Jada59]

It is her choice and not yours. She might end up marrying a widower or divorced man with young children and helping to raise them.

Good point!

 

[dolf]

Kids! They're meant to stop coming out with this shit in their early 20s, when they start being proper grownups. They grow out of it. Sometimes you've just got to roll your eyes at their ability blame you for everything.

 

[von_Bismarck]

Sorry for the novel! My question being... Would medical problems affect whether you have children or not? I do feel if I had known of these problems prior, I would not have had a child. But I'm not a psychic! I did not know how this would pan out.

What are your thoughts on this?

My intuition is it's a highly contextual problem. Was the pregnancy, if there is a pregnancy, planned or unplanned? What is the prognosis, if there is a prognosis? What can reasonably be expected for quality of life, both for the baby and parents (who have to care for the baby)? What is known about what can go wrong?

These are the sorts of questions that would be on my mind. It's hard to say any more, because my answers would probably be colored by my mindset at the time, of being a potential parent.

 

[SissySalina]

The decision to bring a child into this world is a very tuff one. With all the advancements that have been made an those that are being worked on now it is hard to say weather to bring a child into this world. You never know, there are not test for everything.
So do you or don't you, this is a question only for the individual and nothing will change that. Your daughter is a love, presses package and unique.