Starting Being dom

[Lucekrew]

Hi, another Midwestern guy here. I'm very interested in trying domming a female sub. BIggest issue is I have no experience just. The idea of submission to me desires and having no real consideration of her desires (not that I see her not getting pleased in ways) is a total turn on. How does one start in this world? Would prefer online chats for a while first.

Thanks in advance Luce.

 

[Rivvie]

if you truly believe not having your sub's desires and well being at the forefront of your mind.. you're not wanting a "submissive"

my suggestion, do some exploration here on the boards, read, research, read more then see if you're ready to play at being a Dom. Cause.. it would be just playing.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

The Dom “Having no real consideration for her desires” would not describe any of the BDSM relationships I’ve been in. I don’t know many submissives who would want that, but I’m sure you can find someone who shares that kink. Just make sure you’re upfront when communicating your goals and desires.

There’s a wealth of information here. I’d suggest looking through the BDSM Library to start. Welcome to Lit.

 

[KimGordon67]

Yeah, ditto - what you're describing would, I think, be pretty risky for a newcomer to this kind of thing. Unless it was just 'play'. Submitting itself is a 'desire', and it's fairly dependent on totally trusting the person on the dom side of the equation ... I'm not I could trust someone who wasn't caring for me, including my desires.

Are you sure you're not looking for consensual non-con?

Probably a good idea to think about WHY the idea of 'not considering her desires' turns you on, and work from there.

 

[KimGordon67]

PS - some of the picture-based threads on the BDSM boards are useful. While some are fairly extreme, others show a side that's full of care for the sub ... see which ones the sub (mostly girls) like, which ones get us talking, which ones resonate with our realities.

 

[PassTheTime]

Hi, another Midwestern guy here. I'm very interested in trying domming a female sub. BIggest issue is I have no experience just. The idea of submission to me desires and having no real consideration of her desires (not that I see her not getting pleased in ways) is a total turn on. How does one start in this world? Would prefer online chats for a while first.

Thanks in advance Luce.

I may not be the best dom in the world but here are my views of things.

You don't want a sub, you want a hooker.

While I am to the point where I can very rough with my little girl, it has taken years to get there and both she and I know that it stops instantly if she needs or even if I think she needs it to stop because of anything that trips her mental state to negative.

You want to try being a dom, especially long term with someone, my suggestion is to try talking to them as a normal person first and for a bit.

Yes as someone posted above you kay find someone who wants to just play and go there quickly but in doubt it would be long term.

 

[KimGordon67]

I may not be the best dom in the world but here are my views of things.

You don't want a sub, you want a hooker.

While I am to the point where I can very rough with my little girl, it has taken years to get there and both she and I know that it stops instantly if she needs or even if I think she needs it to stop because of anything that trips her mental state to negative.

You want to try being a dom, especially long term with someone, my suggestion is to try talking to them as a normal person first and for a bit.

Yes as someone posted above you kay find someone who wants to just play and go there quickly but in doubt it would be long term.

I literally laughed out loud.

I think there's a world of bdsm stuff that is just play and window dressing, and that's obviously great for people who're into it, but it wouldn't work for me. If you're going deep, there's some complex emotional shit involved, and everyone needs to be prepared to handle that like adults.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I may not be the best dom in the world but here are my views of things.

You don't want a sub, you want a hooker.

While I am to the point where I can very rough with my little girl, it has taken years to get there and both she and I know that it stops instantly if she needs or even if I think she needs it to stop because of anything that trips her mental state to negative.

You want to try being a dom, especially long term with someone, my suggestion is to try talking to them as a normal person first and for a bit.

Yes as someone posted above you kay find someone who wants to just play and go there quickly but in doubt it would be long term.

This is the right answer.

 

[Jakevillines]

I think it is easy to forget what being a dom is with all the fifty shades and such out there today.

 

[Lucekrew]

Thanks for the comments. Let me clarify. I have no desire to punish or belittle. When I say the idea of pleaseing me with no thought about her is more in context or a consentual evening\day\weekend where she addresses me as sir or master and seeks to serve and please me, then gets a reward for being a good sub.

I don't have it in me to mistreat anyone let alone someone I would value. For me it's more about being treated as a king only to reward my queen. If that makes any sense. It's that's not Dom then maybe I need to look elsewhere.

 

[Lucekrew]

Sorry I left that impression. Judging from the responses maybe smeth just left to fantasy.

 

[seela]

Sorry I left that impression. Judging from the responses maybe smeth just left to fantasy.

Definitely not! There are lots of people who would love what you're after. Serving and catering to the PYLs* needs ticks crazy many boxes on many people's "I want that" list, including mine.

I think what people are reacting to is that in your first post you wrote that you don't want to have to care about her desires. Which is also perfectly fine and works with some people, but you'd first have to find that person who's into it.

Like it's been pointed out, if you want to have a long term thing, it has to go both ways. I think you realize it as well based on how you later wrote that you want to reward the sub doing a good job catering to your needs.

It all boils down to how you go about this. Be open about what you want to achieve and figure out how to communicate that well to other people. Then find someone who has similar thoughts about what's hot and what's not, but also be realistic about your expectations. Don't treat people as kink dispensers, because most people don't react very well to that. Get to know people as people, not as kink personas. Be interested in the person beyond sex and let people see you as a real person as well, not as a domly caricature.

The general consensus seems to be that the better you know what makes you and your partner tick, the more fun you can have in and out of the sack.

Take your time, learn about safety and techniques. Build trust. And when you finally get to the kinky fuckery and BDSM part, go slow. Don't try to do everything at once. If you're in it for a long(er) haul, there's plenty of time for repeats and exploration of other fun things. And once again, be realistic. Be realistic about your expectations and what you can offer to your partner. Don't lie. First times don't always go the way you imagine in your head. It can take a time to find your bearings as a Dom, as well as every time you're with a new partner.

It really isn't rocket science, although a lot of people like to make it sound like it is. At the very core of it, BDSM is about communication, respect, trust and fun times had in ways you've both/all agreed to.

*PYL = Pick Your Label = Dom(me)/Master/Mistress/Owner etc.
pyl = pick your label = sub/slave/pet etc.

 

[PuckIt]

Thanks for the comments. Let me clarify. I have no desire to punish or belittle. When I say the idea of pleaseing me with no thought about her is more in context or a consentual evening\day\weekend where she addresses me as sir or master and seeks to serve and please me, then gets a reward for being a good sub.

I don't have it in me to mistreat anyone let alone someone I would value. For me it's more about being treated as a king only to reward my queen. If that makes any sense. It's that's not Dom then maybe I need to look elsewhere.

Sorry I left that impression. Judging from the responses maybe smeth just left to fantasy.

Hold up there, Lucekrew.

Now, here's the thing. Finding out that you have a desire within you to be a dominant is no small thing. And what you are finding is that hanging out your desires is not so easy on the PYL side as it is on the pyl side of the equation.

Don't get me wrong. The submissives that come out from behind the curtain face their own trials and tribulations as they get hunted by the predators on the PYL side. Many of whom aren't actually Dominants, but some form of sexual predator into rough primal sex only.

And, I'm not knocking that. So long as both sides of the equation know what that is what they are getting into.

But, more often than not, someone will style themselves as a Dominant when they aren't really. And sometimes that is because they don't understand the nuance that a submissive is looking for from a Dominant.

The thing is, there is a certain validity to the responses here. If you truly are coming into your own and discovering a hitherto unrecognized desire to be a Dominant, then you are not ready to dive into kinky play as yet. You still need to learn more about yourself, about exactly what you are looking for. You need to be in control of yourself before you can exert that control over someone else.

Forget what you have watched on PornHub. Forget what you have read in kinky published stories.

I would recommend reading two books; "The Control Book" by Peter Masters, and "The Loving Dominant" by John and Libby Warren to get started.

The problem you are running into, the problem every PYL runs into when they are first starting off, is that it is difficult to ascertain from the outset whether one is really beginning to crack out that shell or if they are just looking to sink their hooks in for a little naughty play. And, fair or not, the automatic assumption on the part of submissives who have been burned that way is that each fledgling Dom is another player who will burn them like the last one.

There is no reason for you to withdraw or feel ashamed if you are truly trying to own what it is that you feel any more than a submissive first identifying those feelings within them. You just have to recognize that you will have a steeper learning curve and that much of it will rely on you to learn and know yourself.

Either way, peace in your head and heart on your journey.

 

[KimGordon67]

Hold up there, Lucekrew.

Now, here's the thing. Finding out that you have a desire within you to be a dominant is no small thing. And what you are finding is that hanging out your desires is not so easy on the PYL side as it is on the pyl side of the equation.

Don't get me wrong. The submissives that come out from behind the curtain face their own trials and tribulations as they get hunted by the predators on the PYL side. Many of whom aren't actually Dominants, but some form of sexual predator into rough primal sex only.

And, I'm not knocking that. So long as both sides of the equation know what that is what they are getting into.

But, more often than not, someone will style themselves as a Dominant when they aren't really. And sometimes that is because they don't understand the nuance that a submissive is looking for from a Dominant.

The thing is, there is a certain validity to the responses here. If you truly are coming into your own and discovering a hitherto unrecognized desire to be a Dominant, then you are not ready to dive into kinky play as yet. You still need to learn more about yourself, about exactly what you are looking for. You need to be in control of yourself before you can exert that control over someone else.

Forget what you have watched on PornHub. Forget what you have read in kinky published stories.

I would recommend reading two books; "The Control Book" by Peter Masters, and "The Loving Dominant" by John and Libby Warren to get started.

The problem you are running into, the problem every PYL runs into when they are first starting off, is that it is difficult to ascertain from the outset whether one is really beginning to crack out that shell or if they are just looking to sink their hooks in for a little naughty play. And, fair or not, the automatic assumption on the part of submissives who have been burned that way is that each fledgling Dom is another player who will burn them like the last one.

There is no reason for you to withdraw or feel ashamed if you are truly trying to own what it is that you feel any more than a submissive first identifying those feelings within them. You just have to recognize that you will have a steeper learning curve and that much of it will rely on you to learn and know yourself.

Either way, peace in your head and heart on your journey.

Are you trying to say that PornHub's representations of sexual matters is not entirely accurate? I'm shocked! SHOCKED!

 

[PuckIt]

Are you trying to say that PornHub's representations of sexual matters is not entirely accurate? I'm shocked! SHOCKED!

I will neither confirm nor deny that I may or may not have played out some of the situations that later found their way into scripts for what we see in PornHub.

I'll just point out that, in my experiences, this dynamic is a journey, not a destination. And if I may have, at some point, ripped a partner's panties off and crammed them in her mouth prior to taking her to her knees facing away from me. trapping her wrists behind her back, yanking her hair back...

Wait. What am I saying?

Nope. Nope. I will neither confirm nor deny any such thing.

 

[Mei5ter]

Are you trying to say that PornHub's representations of sexual matters is not entirely accurate? I'm shocked! SHOCKED!

I know - it’s a disgrace, right? I found myself redirected to PornHub when trying to fix my washing machine, and just saw a woman having sex with a man with a dodgy moustache. And it was in Dutch. And the washing machine was a 1970s model. No help at all.

 

[PassTheTime]

Thanks for the comments. Let me clarify. I have no desire to punish or belittle. When I say the idea of pleaseing me with no thought about her is more in context or a consentual evening\day\weekend where she addresses me as sir or master and seeks to serve and please me, then gets a reward for being a good sub.

I don't have it in me to mistreat anyone let alone someone I would value. For me it's more about being treated as a king only to reward my queen. If that makes any sense. It's that's not Dom then maybe I need to look elsewhere.

This changes things a little bit. The first impression that I think anyone, Dom or sub, have unfortunately come to think of when reading things about being served and not caring for her type things is assholes with crops and handcuffs who are just wanting to use someone as a pain slut...sometimes without them wanting to be one.

I think my advice above is still applicable.

But like the gentleman above said...if you do feel that you want to be a Dom, do not let the advice push you off from being honest with yourself and looking into multiple sources about what being a Dom can be. There are many different levels and ways to be a Dom and there are also many ways and levels of being a sub to go along with it. Like the other gentleman said, the key is to know yourself before anything and not rush.

Being a Dom can be incredible. Knowing my little girl will give up everything for my happiness is a rush. But I have not, nor will I ever, ask her to do so. Yes there are times when she will give pleasure without "completion" but she has the trait you desire of her enjoyment and joy comes from doing things for me to make me happy. But again I have been with her for 5 years or more, have known each other for 20 years, and it is only within the last year she has felt fully comfortable enough to give herself over to me that much.

Remember what you are asking can be huge. There may be some that it isn't huge but i have never met them personally so I can't speak to that.

Now i am just rambling so I will hush. Just spend time searching for your own potential identity before searching for someone to serve you if you truly want a Dom/sub relationship and also remember that these identities can change over time.

 

[Maeven_quinn]

I may not be the best dom in the world but here are my views of things.

You don't want a sub, you want a hooker.

Blunt and to the point here.

If you don't regard your submissive's desires, you're not being a dom. You're being something else, and you're being something that is not nice.

 

[Maeven_quinn]

Thanks for the comments. Let me clarify. I have no desire to punish or belittle. When I say the idea of pleaseing me with no thought about her is more in context or a consentual evening\day\weekend where she addresses me as sir or master and seeks to serve and please me, then gets a reward for being a good sub.

I don't have it in me to mistreat anyone let alone someone I would value. For me it's more about being treated as a king only to reward my queen. If that makes any sense. It's that's not Dom then maybe I need to look elsewhere.

Can you imagine the sub deriving pleasure from this dynamic? Can you imagine what it would be like to be a sub or submit to someone?

 

[cookiecat]

Come back Luce! This is a conversation - truly not a place to berate you.

You cleared up some of the confusion, hope you didn't feel beat up - everyone here has varying levels of experience, different points of view. It's really truly a discussion of those viewpoints.

Hope you come back and let us know what you think, how you proceed.

Starting out can be daunting. You just keep at it -- either learning here, maybe place a personal ad thingy down in that section? Something like new dominant wanting to grow with new sub -see how that works online?? (Just a thought)

Good luck! D/s is - or should be - fun, challenging, arousing, satisfying - like any other good relationship.

 

[cascadiabound]

Come back Luce! This is a conversation - truly not a place to berate you.

You cleared up some of the confusion, hope you didn't feel beat up - everyone here has varying levels of experience, different points of view. It's really truly a discussion of those viewpoints.

Hope you come back and let us know what you think, how you proceed.

Starting out can be daunting. You just keep at it -- either learning here, maybe place a personal ad thingy down in that section? Something like new dominant wanting to grow with new sub -see how that works online?? (Just a thought)

Good luck! D/s is - or should be - fun, challenging, arousing, satisfying - like any other good relationship.

^^^ THIS
I hope you come back too and either add on to this thread or join in on the conversations other places here or in the cafe'

Jump in and see what you can learn and ask questions. For sure you are not alone.
The only stupid question is the one you don't ask.

Good luck figuring our your kinky needs and desires and remember it is a journey - you do not need to figure it all out at once. Also - no matter what your desires and kinks are - there is someone out there who IS your match.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Your first post was maybe not worded well. Expand. This is the Talk Forum.
Good luck.

 

[DVS]

I've been a dominant person sexually all of my life. Sure, l have desires and needs and such, but any encounter with a submissive is a negotiation. You both have desires that you want to have met and you both have scenarios of how those desires should be fulfilled.

If you're a newbie, don't hold that back. Submissives are told to shy away from newbies, especially those who try not to act like a newbie. It's a big red flag. They trust the dom to know what he's doing. If he lies and says he does, when he really doesn't her health could be at risk...maybe her life, depending on what the session is to include.

But, the more aware you are of that should be done and agree to follow the rules of a session, you might not be seen as such a red flag after all. Honesty is always the best way to go. Lying is never good and if you are caught in a lie, you can kiss your hopes good bye.

I'd suggest reading our library for things that a submissive is going to look for in a first encounter and I there might be something for a new dom to look for, too. Newbie submissives who lie about their experience can be bad, too. Many of them expect the dom to know everything and that's not how it is.

Actually the submissive decides how things are going to be. She will have limits, both hard and soft and you as the dom are required to agree to those limits completely. If you don't think you can, end the meeting there, and part friends. There's nothing worse than a newbie dom saying they can follow set rules and when the time comes, they don't. Your name will be mud so damn fast...

You can ask as many questions as the submissive can. You are evaluating her as much as she is evaluating you. Explore what she likes and doesn't like. Ask her to explain her limits. She might think she understands what she's saying there, but might have something incorrect. And if you don't understand what she's meaning, maybe the two of you can get together and come to a correct meaning of what she was really meaning. That should also get you good points with her for thinking of her safety.

Speaking of safety, you have that job to do, because you are in charge of how the scene unfolds. Don't get me wrong. She has her limits and she will be allowed to say what she likes and doesn't like to happen. If she has anal sex as a hard limit, you must abide by that.

There might come a time when she changes that to a soft limit, once she gets to know you better. And it's OK for you to ask her if she still has it as a hard limit, but other than that, don't try to get her to remove any hard limit from her list. Again, that's another red flag against you. She's developed that list for a reason. It's not your place to try and change it other than to talk it over with her and make sure you understand what those limits really mean to her. Being a new dom, know the difference between hard and soft limits.

Get some EMT scissors and know how to use them, if you use rope for bondage and be aware of rope burns, raw wrists and ankles from metal restraints and anything else that you observe. Know the best rope to use and how to burn the ends so it doesn't endlessly fray.

Personally, I prefer Velcro straps to any other kind of bondage. They are less likely to leave marks and are very easy to remove in a hurry. She might enjoy the marks left from the restraints, but you should make sure she is aware of them, and let her decide.

See, you talk a lot during the first session with a submissive. You are both new to each other and you are not only enjoying your sexual experience together, you are also learning more about each other as a sexual person. And remember...the more you learn from this encounter, the less you are going to be a new dom.

Above all, don't fuck it up. I don't mean to cause undo stress in your life over this, but you should plan for this meeting with her. Think about safety and think about comfort...as far as comfort is going to go, that is.

Be sure to look into aftercare and know when it's necessary. Have all of the tools for after care at the ready. Maybe a nice soft warm blanket and hold her tight and talk softly to her as she recovers. Keep asking her if she's OK.

Sometimes a submissive will shiver violently as if she's cold and can't warm up. That's where the blanket comes in. Maybe get her a drink of water or just sit with her in a comfy spot and talk. Maybe she won't want to talk. She is again in charge of what happens.

Yes, there's a lot to think about. Being new, you are going to have a lot of reading to do. This reading will be good for you, because the more you know, the less of a new guy you are going to be. But you are in fact new, so don't get cocky too fast. But, with your reading, and your safety planning and your understanding of the person you are going to have this session with...it might just turn out to be a special time for the two of you.

And if it isn't, all is not lost. Ask her how you can improve, if she wasn't totally satisfied with your abilities. She is your best sounding board for knowing how you can change. But also understand that everybody is different. She might have expected something that you had never planned on giving. She might have had expectations that you had no knowledge of.

That just means she might not have been as open as she could have been and didn't tell you what she wanted to happen. And maybe you misunderstood what she said. This is why communication is so very important. Things can go wrong. Shit happens. But the more you talk it out, the more you plan and the more ready you are for this to happen, the less likely something will go wrong.

But also, if you are well read about what can go wrong and are ready for it, you can fix it in a hurry and she will be impressed that you acted so quickly. See, you're already less of a new dom.

 

[Lucekrew]

I'm not gone and yes I did contemplate just not coming back. Being likened to a serial killer will do that to a person.

Re reading I see I worded things terribly to start off with for that I'm sorry. I have no desire even in play in hurting someone or even playing with things that have a potential for danger. At least not now I'm way too green. I also don't desire a constant experience of the dom\sub world? I want to play in it roleplay if you will.. I will spend more time in reading and reading somemore. I find my mind wanting to answer every little thing but to do that I fear I'd be way too wordy. Any of you the have direct questions for me feel free to pm me. Even if you have advise my ears are open and trying to learn.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I'm not gone and yes I did contemplate just not coming back. Being likened to a serial killer will do that to a person.

Re reading I see I worded things terribly to start off with for that I'm sorry. I have no desire even in play in hurting someone or even playing with things that have a potential for danger. At least not now I'm way too green. I also don't desire a constant experience of the dom\sub world? I want to play in it roleplay if you will.. I will spend more time in reading and reading somemore. I find my mind wanting to answer every little thing but to do that I fear I'd be way too wordy. Any of you the have direct questions for me feel free to pm me. Even if you have advise my ears are open and trying to learn.

Start with the sub. Is there someone you actually like? Or, is I think the idea of being dominant, and wanting to explore that?