Open Marriage - how to have the conversation?

[Scareltt]

I totally thought that was a play on words on No shave November.
That can't be a real thing.
Why would you do that to yourself?

Well you have “Locktober”, and No Nut November. Wow that would make 2 months of no orgasm..

 

[dontneedone]

Don't give Scareltt any more ideas! Her husband already has to take the few orgasms he gets

 

[CandiCame]

Well you have “Locktober”, and No Nut November. Wow that would make 2 months of no orgasm..

Loctober is giving me dreads, but I get it from context clues.

Being a sub thing makes way more sense to me. I thought it was gonna be some incel dumbassery trying to store up your sexual energy or something. Yeah, gimme the cage, I just thought it was gonna be stupidity.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

I totally thought that was a play on words on No shave November.
That can't be a real thing.
Why would you do that to yourself?

I just want to thank you for your lengthy, prosaic and well thought out responses. You have really given me a lot to think through and I appreciate the time you took to respond very much

 

[Scareltt]

Spoiled

Don't give Scareltt any more ideas! Her husband already has to take the few orgasms he gets

My husband is like a spoiled 18 year old. 3 orgasms and he gets reclaim me after a date. He has more sex and more of my attention Now than ever.

There are a few reasons for this... not all of them obvious.

 

[waratah]

So I think I am at this point or about to be and am looking for advice from those who may have already dealt with this.

It is something I have thrown out there in a few heated and calm discussions in the recent past. The reaction has not been more than 'a look'.

I don't need the advice to try counseling, I've done it, I pushed for it and he went along with it for 6 months but that's about all he did and he did not enjoy it.

I don't need a divorce, we are actually completely happy in every other way and I cannot imagine not being in this otherwise great life.

He is just not at all fussed about sex, has no sex drive and would probably live without it if he could. He is also 10 years older than me (60's), so it's not going to improve. There is no physical issue, he finds me attractive and loves me, he is just not sexual as a person.

I am in my prime in my 50's, healthy, super fit, confident, and desire is more than ever. I have told him I am otherwise perfectly content and love him, but I cannot and will not live sexless for the next 30 years. His reaction has been silence, no comment and that look!

Our last heated discussion was over a month ago, and I was as plain as I could be, and apart from a tiny bit more affection (which is nice) I have seen no change or effort. I spent Friday night floating around the house in stockings and hot VS underwear, literally no reaction at all! I walked through the kitchen naked last night, that got me a slap on the butt, but nothing more. And if I am completely honest, even though I have a great looking fit hubby, I have lost all desire for him because we live like friends.

So I think it's safe to say, it's time to face facts. But I'd like to do it in the best possible way, without inflicting too much hurt, or creating anger between us.

Have you dealt with this?

If so how did you do it?

Have you made it work?

If so how?

I am not looking for "try harder" comments, or get him to a Dr, or there's a pill for that.

I am also not looking to get hit on and my pm's are closed, the 3rd person slot is already taken thanks.

But I really could do with some personal experience advice and wisdom.....

Sounds like youve done your best. Two suggestions, let him know the " arrangement " is/will be a two way deal, hes welcome to explore too.

And secondly i think may have been a mistake to fill the third spot before getting it squared away and agreed.

Hope all goes well.

 

[Scareltt]

The reality is...

The reality of the whole thing is it will change and evolve. Starting out you really have to use both of your feelings to guide yourselves.

 

[Hornyguy888]

My wife and I are younger (early 30s) but she seems to have lost almost all interest in sex, or maybe in me im not sure. I Love her dont want a divorce but I cannot go the rest of my life without hot and meaningful sex either. She know I want sex, and I "need" it but yet doesnt seem to care. So your problem is sad but yet common, nice to know im not the only one that doesnt know how to broach the situation. I will be following this thread!

 

[Scentofawoman]

So i left Lit for awhile, mostly to get out and do everything I wanted to do while married but couldn’t. I joined Fetlife, got myself a sub, a boyfriend, and experience.
Best thing I’ve learned is consent, and who gives a fuck? Consent to do whatever I and the tother person want, and who gives a fuck what goes on in your private life.

I’ve dated married men who are kinky as fuck and sneak out to get their ricks off. I do it because I’ve been in their situation. But does my friends and family know? No.. it’s private knowledge between participants.

Polyamory is not that easy.

If your going to open your marriage you definitely must have conversations on limits. Once you feel any sort of jealousy or betrayal that door is hard to shut.

 

[Scareltt]

Truth..

So i left Lit for awhile, mostly to get out and do everything I wanted to do while married but couldn’t. I joined Fetlife, got myself a sub, a boyfriend, and experience.
Best thing I’ve learned is consent, and who gives a fuck? Consent to do whatever I and the tother person want, and who gives a fuck what goes on in your private life.

I’ve dated married men who are kinky as fuck and sneak out to get their ricks off. I do it because I’ve been in their situation. But does my friends and family know? No.. it’s private knowledge between participants.

Polyamory is not that easy.

If your going to open your marriage you definitely must have conversations on limits. Once you feel any sort of jealousy or betrayal that door is hard to shut.

“Polyamory is not that easy.”

It’s also not for everyone... maybe everyone should try it, but it’s not going to work for all. Just like everything else..

 

[With_David_Bowie]

Ditto the two above

You either work it out or not.

Strangely enough I'm watching Speed right now on TV, and you can look at control and trust very amusingly in it

Polyamory is awesome, but it requires extreme levels of all of the above, all the way to the first post in this thread...

 

[Cause66]

Coming late to this discussion, it took my wife and I two years to take the first step from when this was originally raised and a further few years of experimentation to find out what worked for us within our limits (they weren't what we thought when we started).

Maybe the next conversation should be about what would turn him on. Don't make it about your wishes and see if he admits to loss of his sex drive.

This next point will be radical and I know some people won't like it, but suggest getting a prostitute and giving him a threesome. He might not like the idea, but if you can just get him talking about sex it's the first step.

Whatever, I hope this works out for you

xx

 

[HisArpy]

It's always about communication.

What you want may not be what he wants. But, until you talk to each other, neither of you knows anything. The hit & miss conversation you've been having isn't communication.

 

[Januari]

So i left Lit for awhile, mostly to get out and do everything I wanted to do while married but couldn’t. I joined Fetlife, got myself a sub, a boyfriend, and experience.
Best thing I’ve learned is consent, and who gives a fuck? Consent to do whatever I and the tother person want, and who gives a fuck what goes on in your private life.

I’ve dated married men who are kinky as fuck and sneak out to get their ricks off. I do it because I’ve been in their situation. But does my friends and family know? No.. it’s private knowledge between participants.

Polyamory is not that easy.

If your going to open your marriage you definitely must have conversations on limits. Once you feel any sort of jealousy or betrayal that door is hard to shut.

I'm going a little off topic here, but I think the OP will forgive me

To me, polyamory and an open relationship/marriage are separate things. I am quite capable of having a sexual relationship with someone without developing more than friendly feelings. Friends with benefits, fuck buddies, whatever you want to call it. When I joined Fet, I was courted by a couple that was polyamorous. We (the three of us) went on some dates, then some dates with just him, some dates with just her, all without sex. By the end of the experience, I realized polamory is not for me. I just felt I couldn't really get in the mindset of that level of intimacy in a relationship with TWO people. Now, had they said after getting to know me a bit, "Hey, we'd like to open our bedroom to you on a casual basis," I probably would have been in. Completely just me.

Back to the OP, I don't know if your area has a local poly group (can be found on Fet life). Here, there is a westside poly group, a southside poly group, etc. These are not usually groups designed to find hook ups but instead to discuss the poly lifestyle including issues, advice, etc. You don't have to be poly to go to these. But if you can get your husband to attend one (ours are always at a restaurant with a private area or room), it might help. Or even go to one yourself and see what information you get there.

And I know this is a somewhat old thread, but I think there is some great advice (and some not so great advice) to others who may also be in a similar situation.

 

[KimGordon67]

There's quite a few websites and books around - it might be useful for both of you to read through the same things? I did this when I was wanting a non-monogamous situation, and I think it helped, although both guys are pretty resistant to 'reading stuff' ... it would have worked out better if they'd both been a bit more engaged.

I was married and having a relationship with my husband's knowledge for a year. We then separated but continued living together for another year while we we organised our respective lives, and I continued seeing the other guy. Now the 'other guy' is my main sexual relationship, but I've remained very close to my husband, and weirdly that's become quite polyAMORous, just not a in sexual sense. However, when things shifted, I made it very clear to my boyfriend that I wasn't prepared to be monogamous any more. He's not super keen on that (and in all honestly, nothing has actually happened with anyone else), but we set some guidelines in place, and at least I'm being honest about everything.

It is difficult, because people can get hurt, and often those people are either yourself or someone you care about. I wish I'd handled things a big differently from the beginning (there's a much longer back story than the above), but I've learnt that honesty is usually the best way ... tempered with care.

 

[Notcastor]

I am also not looking to get hit on and my pm's are closed, the 3rd person slot is already taken thanks.

Slut. Tease might be more accurate.

I was reading some of the womens responses and my gut reaction is to not tell your husbands anything and just go get something on the side.

Hopefully you'll have the courtesy to not get caught.

 

[magicmikeaustin]

Slut. Tease might be more accurate.

I was reading some of the womens responses and my gut reaction is to not tell your husbands anything and just go get something on the side.

Hopefully you'll have the courtesy to not get caught.

I hope you don’t go around calling people you don’t know “slut” as a habit. Not appropriate and not warranted. If you want to discuss this in private I welcome a PM. We are here to make friends not enemies.

 

[DDBustyBrit]

I hope you don’t go around calling people you don’t know “slut” as a habit. Not appropriate and not warranted. If you want to discuss this in private I welcome a PM. We are here to make friends not enemies.

OT but sums up why I love this man

 

[Notcastor]

I hope you don’t go around calling people you don’t know “slut” as a habit. Not appropriate and not warranted. If you want to discuss this in private I welcome a PM. We are here to make friends not enemies.

If you want to be my "friend", don't tell me what I should and shouldn't say. Thanks bub.

 

[jaF0]

You know that time you were the center at the Rotary Club Gang bang? That might have been a good time to tell him.

 

[Yerkiddin]

My wife and I are "testing the waters" of multiamory. (or Polyphilia) I know it's common to call this polyamory, but that's a wrong mix of words. ;-) (I am married to an editor)

My wife was a virgin when we met, and had only ever had me as a partner, and was struggling a bit with curiosity when a friend asked if she could peg him. Wife wanted to, so I said "yes" to this as a one time event. Afterward, we've been to social gatherings with the same friend without any awkwardness, and my wife wanted to do this again, with the idea of I could find someone to have some extramarital fun with as well. Since I'm not opposed to this, I guess we're going poly. (even if just in a limited fashion)

 

[dagdag]

this is very common and there were previous threads about the same issue. Everyone's situation is different and at the end of the day it depends on mutual agreement on what can be done.

Open relationships are not for everyone, and not easy to maintain it either. But works for a lot of people. Couples may prioritize raising their children and in the mean time may not want to miss on the intimacy with the help of an open relationship.

If your partner isn't interested, you may go behind your partner and have an affair. But the consequences may not be pretty.

In some cases counseling may help you open up your eyes and bring your vision back and to see if you are meant to be together as soulmates.

And, sometimes main concern can become the comfort; and unknown of what may happen if we separate our ways from a long known relationship and its comforts. As in the carrot stick approach, the stick side comes as being hurt!! You yourself, your partner and to your off springs all can be hurt. It is not you are breaking up with your high school relationship!!! And, what if the grass is not actually greener on the other side?

Please, do tell how you work it out!!!

 

[AnnieLit]

Please, do tell how you work it out!!!

This is a pretty old thread. From what I know, it did not work out at all -- DDBB left bith Lit and her husband.

 

[tigger_lover]

this is something i have thought about, but its either my marriage or a sex life lol

 

[DevlinSide]

this is something i have thought about, but its either my marriage or a sex life lol

Seems like it's easier to just fly "solo" missions.