Conversation

[Froya]

sometimes i am not even sure if it is worth replying to a one word reply. It is like, that is all you have the say. It is almost like, they don't care. Maybe I am missing something.

How do others handle the one word replies?

I feel momentarily disappointed, and I move on. They either don't have or don't care to spend their time with me. Sure, it sucks if it's someone you thought might have some promise, but it's obviously not the right time or fit for them at that moment. They have no responsibility to me. They don't even know me.

 

[Froya]

I haven't read through this entire thread, because that's a lot of pages, so I don't know if this has been covered or not, but there is something I'd like to address about starting conversations via PM.

Often, when someone new finds their way into my inbox, it is with a simple hello, perhaps they'll ask about my day. Some will give me a brief reason why they chose me, some won't.

I often will take a quick look at their post history. Sometimes, it gives me an idea of where they saw me, what it is they're looking for, or just some small idea about what I might expect if the conversation continues.

What often happens after that turns into something akin to a job interview. My tip would be to share first, then ask. Don't ask me for information about me that you haven't offered about yourself. Let's go with something like "I'm 35, and I live in Philadelphia. Go Eagles! How about you?" instead of "So how old and where from?"

Why is someone showing up in my inbox, wanting my attention, and then expecting me to audition for some role in their life or fantasies?

Talk to me. Don't interview me.

 

[The_gladiator]

I rarely write anything overly long, but it does need to be just long enough to give some indication of who I am, particularly if it's a case where it's someone I haven't had an interaction with on the boards. When you're writing to someone for the first time, they already have your attention, so the onus is on you to give them enough to get their attention.

It doesn't take more than maybe a five minute investment to tell someone what got your attention, maybe to follow up a little on something they've said, and let them know you'd like to start a conversation. I've never regretted doing that, because that's the sort of thing I'd like to see in my inbox. You may not always get what you give, but you can't expect to get more than what you give.

This, all of it, I agree with you and love this philosophy.

 

[rlaflamme]

I haven't read through this entire thread, because that's a lot of pages, so I don't know if this has been covered or not, but there is something I'd like to address about starting conversations via PM.

Often, when someone new finds their way into my inbox, it is with a simple hello, perhaps they'll ask about my day. Some will give me a brief reason why they chose me, some won't.

I often will take a quick look at their post history. Sometimes, it gives me an idea of where they saw me, what it is they're looking for, or just some small idea about what I might expect if the conversation continues.

What often happens after that turns into something akin to a job interview. My tip would be to share first, then ask. Don't ask me for information about me that you haven't offered about yourself. Let's go with something like "I'm 35, and I live in Philadelphia. Go Eagles! How about you?" instead of "So how old and where from?"

Why is someone showing up in my inbox, wanting my attention, and then expecting me to audition for some role in their life or fantasies?

Talk to me. Don't interview me.

I like this. Giving the information you want to give and not making them feel as if you are interviewing them for a position you already want them to have lol.

 

[The_gladiator]

I haven't read through this entire thread, because that's a lot of pages, so I don't know if this has been covered or not, but there is something I'd like to address about starting conversations via PM.

Often, when someone new finds their way into my inbox, it is with a simple hello, perhaps they'll ask about my day. Some will give me a brief reason why they chose me, some won't.

I often will take a quick look at their post history. Sometimes, it gives me an idea of where they saw me, what it is they're looking for, or just some small idea about what I might expect if the conversation continues.

What often happens after that turns into something akin to a job interview. My tip would be to share first, then ask. Don't ask me for information about me that you haven't offered about yourself. Let's go with something like "I'm 35, and I live in Philadelphia. Go Eagles! How about you?" instead of "So how old and where from?"

Why is someone showing up in my inbox, wanting my attention, and then expecting me to audition for some role in their life or fantasies?

Talk to me. Don't interview me.

Wize you are. I love the way you think and express yourself

 

[Froya]

I like this. Giving the information you want to give and not making them feel as if you are interviewing them for a position you already want them to have lol.

Thanks. I think that's really one of the best tips I have.

I think it's also important to understand that the questions you ask, and the order in which you ask them, is showing the other person what your priorities are, and they are the clues about your intentions and what you want from the conversation.

 

[Froya]

Wize you are. I love the way you think and express yourself

Thank you. I've had a lot of practice, and I've made my own missteps and have been misunderstood countless times. I do my best to be clear, and to try to avoid miscommunication where I can. It will still happen, of course, because people read in their own voices. Nuance can be easily missed, and it takes time to learn to read cues from new people.

 

[Froya]

One more thing I'd like to add to the discussion is about the idea that this is "only the internet" so what you say and how you say it doesn't matter.

I've seen this kind of comment mostly from younger people, but I see it played out time and again, regardless of one's age.

I think some people either forget, or may never think about, the fact that the words they're putting on the screen are the only things we know about them. These little characters on the screen are how we represent our own character.

All anyone knows of us here is within the four corners of these text boxes, and I think that's something worth keeping in mind.

 

[rlaflamme]

One more thing I'd like to add to the discussion is about the idea that this is "only the internet" so what you say and how you say it doesn't matter.

I've seen this kind of comment mostly from younger people, but I see it played out time and again, regardless of one's age.

I think some people either forget, or may never think about, the fact that the words they're putting on the screen are the only things we know about them. These little characters on the screen are how we represent our own character.

All anyone knows of us here is within the four corners of these text boxes, and I think that's something worth keeping in mind.

This has been touched on, but not a whole lot. And it has a lot of value to the thread. What we type is showing who we are, or want to be. I think it is a, "well, we will never meet so..." kind of thing that happens quite a bit.

I was talking to a friend about a chat partner they had that started getting distant with no real validation to it, they were getting along great, brought it off of lit and were having voice conversations. But as they were telling me about the person I noticed that things changed, marital status, occupation, children's ages... this person had so many lies about themselves they couldn't keep up, all to be "impressive". That is why the conversation died suddenly.

And I know that is not what you are basing the comment on, but it falls somewhere in the same category. Be you, be true and just have a good conversation.

 

[Midwest50Guy]

I haven't read through this entire thread, because that's a lot of pages, so I don't know if this has been covered or not, but there is something I'd like to address about starting conversations via PM.

Often, when someone new finds their way into my inbox, it is with a simple hello, perhaps they'll ask about my day. Some will give me a brief reason why they chose me, some won't.

I often will take a quick look at their post history. Sometimes, it gives me an idea of where they saw me, what it is they're looking for, or just some small idea about what I might expect if the conversation continues.

What often happens after that turns into something akin to a job interview. My tip would be to share first, then ask. Don't ask me for information about me that you haven't offered about yourself. Let's go with something like "I'm 35, and I live in Philadelphia. Go Eagles! How about you?" instead of "So how old and where from?"

Why is someone showing up in my inbox, wanting my attention, and then expecting me to audition for some role in their life or fantasies?

Talk to me. Don't interview me.

The last sentence nailed it.

Playing 20 questions is fun at times, but this isnt a job interview.

a conversation imo should not be asking questions back and forth.

when you are out with your friends, you are not asking questions all the time.

You are basically just interacting, building off what the other person is saying.

If somebody were to tell me they were an Eagles fan for instance, I might comment about being a bears fan, or football in general or be symphatic for the eagles tough start this season.

If they were a packers fan, then i am sure some smack talk would be sent back and forth, all in the name of good fun.

The point is that if you want somebody to spend their hard earned time to talk to you, you have to make it worth to them to get emotionally invested at some level. I think sharing stories and laughing is a pretty good way of doing that.

 

[Midwest50Guy]

This has been touched on, but not a whole lot. And it has a lot of value to the thread. What we type is showing who we are, or want to be. I think it is a, "well, we will never meet so..." kind of thing that happens quite a bit.

I was talking to a friend about a chat partner they had that started getting distant with no real validation to it, they were getting along great, brought it off of lit and were having voice conversations. But as they were telling me about the person I noticed that things changed, marital status, occupation, children's ages... this person had so many lies about themselves they couldn't keep up, all to be "impressive". That is why the conversation died suddenly.

And I know that is not what you are basing the comment on, but it falls somewhere in the same category. Be you, be true and just have a good conversation.

granted you have to take things you hear out here with a grain of salt but at some point unless you are going to just do a cum and dump, lying about everything is just going to get you in trouble.

better to just be yourself and see where the chips fall. There are so many different types of folks here that it isnt too hard to find somebody who will just like you for who you really are.

 

[Froya]

Be you, be true and just have a good conversation.

Or, if you're being someone else, at least be consistent, and don't let the relationship get too deep.

 

[rlaflamme]

Or, if you're being someone else, at least be consistent, and don't let the relationship get too deep.

It is so easy to pretend to be what you are not because, well, how are they going to know lol.

 

[Froya]

It is so easy to pretend to be what you are not because, well, how are they going to know lol.

Not until they slip up.

 

[rlaflamme]

Not until they slip up.

Exactly! And I wonder if that stops people from trying to have a good conversation or connection. You know? Like if it had happened to them a few times, where they thought they had a good connection but then the lies mounted and mounted and they knew that the person was fake. Does it take a toll on them and make them just say, "Forget it! I'm done."?

 

[MrDevereaux]

In a forum where fantasies seem to run rampant, it's easy to get mixed up in finding that person who will indulge you in your fantasy (with mutual enjoyment). After years on various forums, various chat sites, I've come to the conclusion, it's more involving to talk about life, if fantasy comes up ... it happens. Fantasy does not sustain a conversation.

I've had conversations where it becomes pretty apparent that someone is only interested in getting her rocks off (in that case, it's questionable if the person on the other side of the screen is female). You were given the gift of a language, an innate capacity for empathy with others ... not just sexual organs and a need for gratification.

There are good people out there that want to shoot the proverbial with you, finding them is the hard part!

 

[rlaflamme]

In a forum where fantasies seem to run rampant, it's easy to get mixed up in finding that person who will indulge you in your fantasy (with mutual enjoyment). After years on various forums, various chat sites, I've come to the conclusion, it's more involving to talk about life, if fantasy comes up ... it happens. Fantasy does not sustain a conversation.

I've had conversations where it becomes pretty apparent that someone is only interested in getting her rocks off (in that case, it's questionable if the person on the other side of the screen is female). You were given the gift of a language, an innate capacity for empathy with others ... not just sexual organs and a need for gratification.

There are good people out there that want to shoot the proverbial with you, finding them is the hard part!

I like this, it says a lot. And as to the if it is rushed the question of it actually being a man pretending to be a woman is something that was touched on before. This site is mostly male, and that makes it almost a competition to get attention from women. So what would stop a man from pretending to be a woman to get more attention.

You never really know.

 

[Reed8]

In a forum where fantasies seem to run rampant, it's easy to get mixed up in finding that person who will indulge you in your fantasy (with mutual enjoyment). After years on various forums, various chat sites, I've come to the conclusion, it's more involving to talk about life, if fantasy comes up ... it happens. Fantasy does not sustain a conversation.

I've had conversations where it becomes pretty apparent that someone is only interested in getting her rocks off (in that case, it's questionable if the person on the other side of the screen is female). You were given the gift of a language, an innate capacity for empathy with others ... not just sexual organs and a need for gratification.

There are good people out there that want to shoot the proverbial with you, finding them is the hard part!

I couldn't agree more with what you have said. I am the worse when it comes to PM conversation. In most cases, it is not fantasy that I am looking for. I have a feeling that everyone has some sort of agenda. Whether it is to make friends or discuss a shared interest, something drives the conversation. On a site like literotica, the common interest can be sex. However one of the most erotic bits and pieces of a person is their mind, personality and demeanor. Connection is hard to find. Being true can be just as hard. With that said, it doesn't have to be about sex at all. Maybe there is a jaded aspect to anyone who has been involved in a genuine pm conversation that has died without knowing why.

 

[Froya]

Exactly! And I wonder if that stops people from trying to have a good conversation or connection. You know? Like if it had happened to them a few times, where they thought they had a good connection but then the lies mounted and mounted and they knew that the person was fake. Does it take a toll on them and make them just say, "Forget it! I'm done."?

Been a bit busy on this side of the screen, so I've had to neglect the more thoughtful things here for a bit.

I am sure that, if someone has encountered that kind of disappointment and misplaced hope, that it has to take a toll. When you begin any sort of relationship, you are taking some level of risk. How much you let yourself get involved, hope, or feel something is how much it's going to hurt when it comes apart. Some people invest too much of themselves too soon, and that has to cause some burnout when it crumbles over and over again.

How much do you keep risking when you aren't getting the rewards?

In a forum where fantasies seem to run rampant, it's easy to get mixed up in finding that person who will indulge you in your fantasy (with mutual enjoyment). After years on various forums, various chat sites, I've come to the conclusion, it's more involving to talk about life, if fantasy comes up ... it happens. Fantasy does not sustain a conversation.

This is why I choose who I want to talk to based on what I've seen them post about beyond fantasy and sex, because if I can't have a conversation with someone, as a whole person, with more between the ears than what's going on between the legs, I have no interest in sharing sexy time. If I want to go there with someone, it's because I want to do it with them, not just because I'm in a mood and anyone will do.

 

[Froya]

I couldn't agree more with what you have said. I am the worse when it comes to PM conversation. In most cases, it is not fantasy that I am looking for. I have a feeling that everyone has some sort of agenda. Whether it is to make friends or discuss a shared interest, something drives the conversation. On a site like literotica, the common interest can be sex. However one of the most erotic bits and pieces of a person is their mind, personality and demeanor. Connection is hard to find. Being true can be just as hard. With that said, it doesn't have to be about sex at all. Maybe there is a jaded aspect to anyone who has been involved in a genuine pm conversation that has died without knowing why.

Curious.. why do you say you're the worst when it comes to PM conversation? Is that in relation to what you're saying here about becoming jaded?

 

[Midwest50Guy]

personally for myself, i think it is better to build a friendship first before doing anything else.

just jumping into the good stuff usually leads to ghosting afterwards, which is not worth it, at least for me.

 

[MildSmart]

Yup, get what you mean and would love to talk, but at the same time I think it's tough to find someone you enjoy talking to and click with

 

[Midwest50Guy]

Yup, get what you mean and would love to talk, but at the same time I think it's tough to find someone you enjoy talking to and click with

you have to put some work into it

 

[Froya]

I wonder if one of the bigger challenges finding people you can talk to and click with is who you're choosing to approach and how.

I will answer a pm that just politely says hello and asks about my day, but that is an awfully slow start to a conversation, and they very often go nowhere. How many people are trying to start a conversation when they don't have much to say to the person they're writing to?


What is it that makes you send that first PM? How do you approach them and introduce yourself?

 

[The_gladiator]

I wonder if one of the bigger challenges finding people you can talk to and click with is who you're choosing to approach and how.

I will answer a pm that just politely says hello and asks about my day, but that is an awfully slow start to a conversation, and they very often go nowhere. How many people are trying to start a conversation when they don't have much to say to the person they're writing to?


What is it that makes you send that first PM? How do you approach them and introduce yourself?

This can be difficult, knowing what to pick as a starting topic and where to go from there.
I personally want it to go deeper but not always as easy to do, it involves some vulnorability and opening up.