❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[AlwaysFara]

Frankly I am already hesitant to engage this question because of the way it seems set up for an us vs them show down.

Perhaps people could talk about the way they are approaching their current relationship on the continuum from on line only to 24/7 recognizing that there is quite a lot in between and there is often fluidity for a given person in their lifetime or depending on partner what is possible.

Perhaps people could talk about what they themselves have found to be satisfying or not so about the various configurations they have experienced.

I would hate for there to be a purity test here applied about the "true way" in responding to this even though i would guess many would have a place on the continuum they would ideally like to be even if they don't have it now or don't know how to achieve it.

~cascadia

Listen to the audio Philes on this. It’s anything but divisive.

 

[cascadiabound]

Completely valid. I rephrased it a bit. I hope that helps.
I never meant it to be purity test but I can see how it may have felt that way.
plp

Thank you

Listen to the audio Philes on this. It’s anything but divisive.

I will when i get a chance. Glad to know this.

 

[clistenovena]

I'll add my rambling, mostly in regards to Cascadia's post.

"Online & Real Life Kink"
Upfront- no disrespect or antagonistic attitude intended. Please read with that in mind, please?

I think the title up there invites the hint of division, the "Real Life" part. One thing you'll never hear or read from me is the term "in real life." Online or offline, the experiences a person has matter to them. While it is not for me to tie myself up nor slap my own face, for many, that *is* for them, and those experiences are VERY real for those involved. Offline has its own feel and taste. Online has its own feel and taste. Sometimes, they are two ends of the same kinky coin.

It would seem to me that everyone would understand this concept, but I still occasionally hear or read something that lets me know that it isn't the case. I think it lessens us all when we don't at least try and understand the other's perspective.

I can't wait to listen to the Audiophile on this topic!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

To me, online/in-person is the narrowest slice of the question.

Through the centuries inumerable passionate love relationships (and deep friendships) have been sustained primarily or even solely through letters. Are these emotions and connections less “real” because of the proximity of the hearts of the writers?

In a sense, each time you pick up a book, you’re engaging in the equivalent of a remote relationship with the author - a passionate collaboration between reader and author that can be as life-changing as anything humans can know.

Communication of all sorts, whether the participants are inches or oceans apart, can be as profound or as inconsequential as the nature of the connections that bridge the participants’ hearts and minds - and their kinks.

 

[Tdfkats]

To me, online/in-person is the narrowest slice of the question.

Through the centuries inumerable passionate love relationships (and deep friendships) have been sustained primarily or even solely through letters. Are these emotions and connections less “real” because of the proximity of the hearts of the writers?

In a sense, each time you pick up a book, you’re engaging in the equivalent of a remote relationship with the author - a passionate collaboration between reader and author that can be as life-changing as anything humans can know.

Communication of all sorts, whether the participants are inches or oceans apart, can be as profound or as inconsequential as the nature of the connections that bridge the participants’ hearts and minds - and their kinks.

Beautifully said.

 

[KimGordon67]

The body question

I'm just coming back to this for a minute ... yes, I think porn has altered my image of myself - I wax when I never would have, for example. Watching porn also started happening as I go older, so everything was losing tautness anyway. Yay. I did get a breast reduction a few years ago, and that led to new love of my body ... except now I could see my stomach. I hate my stomach. Not enough to stop drinking wine and cider, which is what it's mostly composed of, but enough to not want anyone to touch it. One of the things I loved about phone sex was the lack of visibility ... that really worked for me, partly because I could ignore what my body looked like.

Since I started seeing my in-charge guy, that's gotten a bit worse - probably because there's more porn. He likes me sending him pictures of things I'm interested in, or just things that are hot. But you know ... porn girls. And we also get into some weird positions sometimes, and I'm constantly thinking 'do I look fat in this'? Well, not constantly, but more than enough.

The other night, he specifically said he wanted me to get over disliking my belly, when I can, because he loves all of me, and he hates have to go around my belly when he's touching me. I know it seems a bit obvious, and kind of corny, but having him say that outright was sort of a revelation. I thought about it for a while (I often think about things he says for a while), and later in the weekend I quite purposefully put his hand on my belly.

 

[cookiecat]

∆∆∆∆ belly love

Sometimes we just have to trust our partner and let go.

Wish I'd done that more instead of trying to convince him he was wrong.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Initial intuition tells me this is the kind of question that I'd generally simply pass on answering. So, those are the kind of questions I think I should try to answer, because it gives me the opportunity to think about the underlying question, and what I think in relation to it.

First off, I've pretty much come to reject the assumption that "online life" is somehow different or isolated from "real life". It's one life. We can compartmentalize it, but that compartmentalization is almost entirely arbitrary and inherently flawed. Whatever we experience, we experience, regardless of its source, regardless of its particulars. The experience is real - it has real impact, it has real consequences, it has a real influence. In that, the variation of categories and definitions don't matter.

Second, I think there is a whole vast array of experiences between "online" and "24/7" and the vast majority of people live somewhere closer to the middle of the spectrum (a standard distribution curve), with only a few clustered on each end.

How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?

"All of the above." In person and virtually, in a variety of combinations, both now and in the past.

If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category?

I don't fall into a single category. As for members of other categories, I wish them all the best in their lives in general and in their sexual explorations specifically. I hope you find what brings you happiness and fulfillment.

 

[KimGordon67]

∆∆∆∆ belly love

Sometimes we just have to trust our partner and let go.

Wish I'd done that more instead of trying to convince him he was wrong.

The amazing thing about it is that I can actually say to him 'I never believe that anyone could really find me that attractive'.

I totally get what you mean about trying to convince them they're wrong. It's a really really hard thing to get around ... I'm definitely not entirely there yet myself.

 

[AlwaysFara]

First of all, Kim and cookie, right there wirh you on the body image.

I think that PLP’s question is less about real vs. fake and more about the translation of stuff when you are physically with someone in the flesh.
I really hope everyone does listen to the audiophiles, because it seems like you are focusing on the same thing and missing her point.

IS is different?
HOW?
How is it the same?

And yes, physically, it is very different. For me, that translates to emotional as well, but that doesn’t mean that my reactions and feelings and submission wasn’t real online. But yes. You actually fuck. You actually get smacked. Maybe it hurts way worse than saying SMACK!!! Via text does... you gag and almost puke when you’re deepthroating.

I’m telling you, no one could sexy deepthroat like me. 10 inches? BRING IT.
Howevever, I’m the flesh, when his still amazing but not 10 inch cock is in your throat and you’re running out of air... yeah. It’s different.

I fell in love online, before I ever met him. Realized I was submissive online.
I’m clearly not knocking it.
In the flesh?
I never knew how sore my body could get. I never knew how loud I really was. I never knew the power of his eyes. Or his smell. Or his touch. The snap of a leash into my collar. Being too sore to fuck.

 

[Ed27R]

#11
Body Image (stolen)

Bringing this question from another thread but I'm curious how the kinkier among us will answer.

When it comes to sex/kink how do you feel about your body? When it comes to sex/kink, does it affect how you feel (e.g. size, age, race, disability, gender, etc)
Do you feel like your body type is portrayed or portrayed accurately in porn? Does it bother you? Have you ever seen something represented in a way that made you rethink an attraction?

I realize I am jumping back a question or two but this is the first chance I have had to answer in a while.

I generally feel good about my body when it comes to sex/kink. I think I am attractive/sexy in a normal, everyday kind of way and this gives me a general confidence when it comes to sex/kink. I use those vague descriptors on purpose as my relationship to my body would best be described as content. That being said, I do have bouts of not feeling sexy and I honesty have an incredibly hard time getting up for anything sex or kink related. If I don’t feel sexy - it is not going to happen.

In terms of porn - it is funny - I don’t think I have ever though of myself being represented in porn. Men - especially for me - in porn seem so beside the point that i don’t identify with them to the point of ignoring them. She is the focus.

I don’t really get hung up on size and, generally speaking, there are so very few “ideal men/brad Pitts” in porn that it is not that difficult to avoid an anxiety about it. I don’t know - maybe I have selectively avoid the porn that would make me think “I wish I was him”. I have literally never thought that in a wanting his body kind of way.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I don’t really get hung up on size and, generally speaking, there are so very few “ideal men/brad Pitts” in porn that it is not that difficult to avoid an anxiety about it. I don’t know - maybe I have selectively avoid the porn that would make me think “I wish I was him”. I have literally never thought that in a wanting his body kind of way.

I don't normally watch porn, but there are times that I do... and I do think "I wish I was her" --- but only because of the action.

Most porn isn't realistic to me, mostly because of poor acting.

 

[Miles Long]

Clarifying question: what's this "porn" you all keep talking about?

 

[AlwaysFara]

Clarifying question: what's this "porn" you all keep talking about?

It’s like corn. With a P.

 

[Blue]

It’s like corn. With a P.

Heresy!!!

 

[Miles Long]

It’s like corn. With a P.

Oh. Well, let me know if they ever put any on the internet so I can see what it's all about.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Heresy!!!

Oh. Well, let me know if they ever put any on the internet so I can see what it's all about.

Would you like some kernels of truth about corn, Mahles?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I’m going to answer this in depth, but I wanted to say the ONE thing I am ever punished for is putting myself down, even as a joke.
Not allowed.
He makes me pinch my tongue and apologize. Or he does, which hurts more. And he makes me repeat what I said, and then change it.

My partner used to have a bad habit of apologising for things that were completely out of her control. I took to licking her nose every time she did it. It was quite effective behaviour modification

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#12

Online & Real Life Kink
Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle.
How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?
If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?)

This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.

This questions was inspired by the episode of AudioPhiles! Check it out.
And I need more questions guys!

I didn't expect this question to be so controversial but I'm glad people have been so open and defensive of both types of the screen.

I explore my kink almost entirely online. I have a SO and I have brought things to him in an effort to explore and experiment more and, for the most part, he is not interested. (Save for the oral servitude, go figure ) Having conversations and asking questions has been hugely beneficial for me but has definitely left me feeling that unsatisfied, unmet need.
I'll be brave and say that I'm super jealous of the people who get to explore irl with a supportive partner or community. I try to dip my toe into the local scene but for innumerable reasons, I've found it really hard. Also, I'm much better at making one on one connections than gelling as part of a crowd. (I'm awkward, have you noticed?) Would I go irl? In heartbeat. With the right person. Yes. Yes. Yes.
This question was submitted and used as part of Ep 4 of AudioPhiles. It basically asked - Can an online D/s relationship be as authentic as a real life relationship? As someone who has, so far, only been able to have the one and not the other, I was honestly surprised when both of the guys said "Yes. Different maybe but yes." It made me stupid happy to hear that. I'm working with what I have at the moment, but I'm glad to know that in not just playing a game. I have no interest in faking a feeling, trying on a label, or being some perfect online sub behind a screen. I want the real thing and I like to hear that people that have had both find them in some way equivalent.
I was having this conversation with a gf yesterday - Do you wish you'd never known? Never met that first guy? Never questioned yourself? I can say 100% - yes. And 100% - no. It feels a little like Adam and Even eating the fruit in the Garden (I'm so sorry, Jesus ) I feel like my eyes have been opened but I also see how far I am from any kind of satisfaction. But I also see myself in a new light and with clear explanations for the way I've felt for a long time. It's such a dichotomy.
Ok, well this train has come fully off the tracks. I'll stop rambling but thanks to all that have given such thoughtful answers. Please feel free to go back and answer some of the old questions. We still want to hear your answers on those! And if you have any questions or ideas, please PM me!!
plp

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I don't normally watch porn, but there are times that I do... and I do think "I wish I was her" --- but only because of the action.

Most porn isn't realistic to me, mostly because of poor acting.

https://i.imgflip.com/2j7223.jpg

 

[cascadiabound]

To me, online/in-person is the narrowest slice of the question.

Through the centuries innumerable passionate love relationships (and deep friendships) have been sustained primarily or even solely through letters. Are these emotions and connections less “real” because of the proximity of the hearts of the writers?

In a sense, each time you pick up a book, you’re engaging in the equivalent of a remote relationship with the author - a passionate collaboration between reader and author that can be as life-changing as anything humans can know.

Communication of all sorts, whether the participants are inches or oceans apart, can be as profound or as inconsequential as the nature of the connections that bridge the participants’ hearts and minds - and their kinks.

This seems right to me.

I also view this topic as a continuum rather than as an either or dichotomy.

I sustained a LDR for many years over many miles and time zones and sometimes across different continents without benefit of cell phones, computer connections or video chats which eventually became a face to face 24/7 marriage sometimes with a high level of kink.

These days for lots of reasons, much of my kink life is pursued in an LDR format. As others have said, it is real. Everything about it is real. Feelings, life, communication.
I work hard at it. There is give and take and it evolves. Sometimes it is highly kink focused, sometimes it is barely about the kink at all. Just like life.

What side of anything do I wish for? I have what I have. Life is too short for would coulda shoulda. I feel blessed.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Would I change it?
Never.
I just got here.

Do I have to have it?
Well.

Yes.

 

[barefootgirl69]

https://i.imgflip.com/2j7223.jpg

*biggest grin*

Well, go big or go home, right?!

 

[Mei5ter]

I don't normally watch porn, but there are times that I do... and I do think "I wish I was her" --- but only because of the action.

Most porn isn't realistic to me, mostly because of poor acting.

This has always been a problem.

How can I be expected to focus on a schoolgirl spanking scene when there’s an incorrectly solved equation on the blackboard?

And do we ever to get to see the repair man fix the washing machine? No.

And I’m sure some of the nurses aren’t following approved procedures.

 

[LizVegas79]

https://i.imgflip.com/2j7223.jpg

I bet it's true too!