❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[KimGordon67]

Isn't that amazing?

Really. He's a bit of a damaged person - we both are really - and I like that he feels safe with me. If 'safe' is the word to use in relation to someone beating your arse with a belt ... but you know what I mean. I love that he trusts me. And also the switching thing is, I think, that he sees something in me that's similar to him, in that sometimes - not often, but sometimes - it's good for me to be in control.

There's a lot for me to learn in relation to that. I really need to control myself more than anything else.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Also I'm just not sure there's an easy way to say - "I've had a really shit week and I need to you wreck me, make me cry and then make me feel better". If there is, let me know?

I’ve said that. I’ve asked for that. There are times he just knows that.
I want to expand more, but I’m away right now, so I will when I get home.
Thank you for this question, PLP.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Being empty, completely, is such a full feeling.

 

[barefootgirl69]

#10 (On a Friday? Yes on a Friday! I'm changing things up!)

Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression?

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

My first M/s relationship was more about the dynamic for me. Learning the real power of being under his control more than the sex. Seriously, the day he showed up in my office, I wanted him. Not just the sexy sex part, but I don't know. Our eyes met over my desk and I could feel something that I didn't even have a name for. As the new guy in the office, we talked and he told me what he was into (over a course of weeks, not right then) and I told him I was interested. There was A LOT of talking at that point. I don't think there was more of an attraction than that, or if there woukd have been because the job took him elsewhere. But, my oh my, did tgat whet my appetite.

Years have passed and I've changed, grown, learned. I don't think I would want that same thing again without more of a connection. A relationship. With that connection I can fully trust and let myself go.

(But if he walked through my door again, nothing would stop me from doing it all over again. No regrets. )

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Really. He's a bit of a damaged person - we both are really - and I like that he feels safe with me. If 'safe' is the word to use in relation to someone beating your arse with a belt ... but you know what I mean. I love that he trusts me. And also the switching thing is, I think, that he sees something in me that's similar to him, in that sometimes - not often, but sometimes - it's good for me to be in control.

There's a lot for me to learn in relation to that. I really need to control myself more than anything else.

I've been afraid to trust myself, to believe that they could trust me in this particular way. I've been afraid to trust that they know what they want and can take it, and that giving it to them won't damage them further.

I've underestimated their strength and resiliency, and I've been afraid to believe that a man could truly want to focus on my pleasure so much, that he'd give me carte blanche and not end up regretting it.

Knowing that he feels safe with me, god yes. Knowing that he wants me to push him, that he wants to experience that with me... holy shit yes. Mind fuckery at it's best.

 

[KimGordon67]

I've been afraid to trust myself, to believe that they could trust me in this particular way. I've been afraid to trust that they know what they want and can take it, and that giving it to them won't damage them further.

I've underestimated their strength and resiliency, and I've been afraid to believe that a man could truly want to focus on my pleasure so much, that he'd give me carte blanche and not end up regretting it.

Knowing that he feels safe with me, god yes. Knowing that he wants me to push him, that he wants to experience that with me... holy shit yes. Mind fuckery at it's best.

It's taken a long time - nearly three years - and a LOT of working out stuff to get to this point. I honestly didn't think we would - at the beginning, I would have given it six months. I think we're both surprised.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

It's taken a long time - nearly three years - and a LOT of working out stuff to get to this point. I honestly didn't think we would - at the beginning, I would have given it six months. I think we're both surprised.

Isn't that wonderful? Congrats!

 

[KimGordon67]

Isn't that wonderful? Congrats!

We're happy ... and I finally move into my own house this weekend, so we have a space that we can be happy in.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

We're happy ... and I finally move into my own house this weekend, so we have a space that we can be happy in.

Long time coming. I'll be expecting to updates in your other thread!

 

[KimGordon67]

Long time coming. I'll be expecting to updates in your other thread!

People are still reading that?

 

[AlwaysFara]

Let me preface all this by saying I can love hard, really hard, vanilla. I have, most of my life. My current relationship is the only person here, or in life that I have fallen for who has real life Dom stuff to his credit. That walks the walk. That being said, we are in a relationship. He is not my Dom, or my Master. He Doms me. He puts me on a leash. Controls me. In bed. He is also my BF, my love. We do mushy and silly stuff, he fixes stuff that breaks, he takes care of things for me, as I do for him.

What has changed has been the control stuff. The closer we get, I think, maybe, the less he wants to do that with me. TO me. He’s been down that road a long time. He’s wanting love, a home, tenderness. I am that. That is how I love, but sometimes there is a bit of a trade off when it comes to the tender and the control. He wants to protect me. Always. It’s a balance.

For me, this road is new. “BDSM”. Being submissive. Being his cum dump. I want it. It’s part of my love for him. It’s all tangled up. It’s how we fell so hard and so fast.

We talk about it. It’s hard to do that. So very hard for me. My last relationship, which was decades... I couldn’t ask for things. If I did, I was mocked. Shamed. Having to make HIM feel better for it. And nothing ever changed. I became ashamed of my drive. My need. My sexuality. I was a slut, but I wanted to be his slut, and he didn’t want me.

While this is completely different, I am not different. I am trying to work out the ghosts. The constant rejection of everything sexual I offered.

It’s a struggle. To speak up. To say, when you do that I get so wet I drip down my leg, please, please, do that again. I need that. I crave that. Be my God so I can worship you like I want to.
This is me, and I don’t know how to get past it.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Fara

 

[AlwaysFara]

Fara

Some of these posts are harder than others. Thank you, friend.

 

[AlwaysFara]

This hit home for me.

Yeah. I’m sorry.
It’s a struggle. Once you’re wounded like that, it’s hard to get back in the saddle.

 

[midwestyankee]

Let me preface all this by saying I can love hard, really hard, vanilla. I have, most of my life. My current relationship is the only person here, or in life that I have fallen for who has real life Dom stuff to his credit. That walks the walk. That being said, we are in a relationship. He is not my Dom, or my Master. He Doms me. He puts me on a leash. Controls me. In bed. He is also my BF, my love. We do mushy and silly stuff, he fixes stuff that breaks, he takes care of things for me, as I do for him.

What has changed has been the control stuff. The closer we get, I think, maybe, the less he wants to do that with me. TO me. He’s been down that road a long time. He’s wanting love, a home, tenderness. I am that. That is how I love, but sometimes there is a bit of a trade off when it comes to the tender and the control. He wants to protect me. Always. It’s a balance.

For me, this road is new. “BDSM”. Being submissive. Being his cum dump. I want it. It’s part of my love for him. It’s all tangled up. It’s how we fell so hard and so fast.

We talk about it. It’s hard to do that. So very hard for me. My last relationship, which was decades... I couldn’t ask for things. If I did, I was mocked. Shamed. Having to make HIM feel better for it. And nothing ever changed. I became ashamed of my drive. My need. My sexuality. I was a slut, but I wanted to be his slut, and he didn’t want me.

While this is completely different, I am not different. I am trying to work out the ghosts. The constant rejection of everything sexual I offered.

It’s a struggle. To speak up. To say, when you do that I get so wet I drip down my leg, please, please, do that again. I need that. I crave that. Be my God so I can worship you like I want to.
This is me, and I don’t know how to get past it.

There is a boatload of honesty in this post and most of us could learn a little something about how we think about ourselves - and our relationships, to be candid - by a close reading of this short piece.

 

[PuckIt]

#10 (On a Friday? Yes on a Friday! I'm changing things up!)

Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression?

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

You know. I can pretty well handle drinkin'. And I can pretty well handle thinkin'. It's when I try to do both at the same time that shit has a tendency to get out of hand in a hurry. And since I've been doing a little of both, you may want to take this shit with more than the usual leavening of salt.

So, yeah. Just in case there might be anyone who doesn't know that cares to, I lost my wife last October after damn near close enough to two and a half decades of having and holding her as my submissive, my wife, my lover, and my dear friend. Umm... yeah. I don't know. The sheer time dilation effect of a relationship that long might be a little skewed. But, what the Puck? I'm here and I've been drinkin' and thinkin'. I may as well Puck around with this week's question. Aye? I can always delete it later if one of the mods doesn't beat me to it.

Way back before a lot of people who might be reading this were even born, I figured out that I was "something other than a submissive." But, here's the secret to that little catchphrase I generally trot out. The fact is that I am a Dominant. Outside of the bedroom, the best label is probably "Daddy Dom." But once the bedroom door closes,... I'm kind of the guy they had in mind when they coined PYL. Actually, over my checkered past, I've not only worn but embraced virtually every label on the Dominant side at some point, for somebody. More often, though, I was too busy living it to worry about what to call it. I at the least dabbled my toe in Sado-masochism, but I wasn't ever quite comfortable with my "mean streak." I was more than comfortable with Bondage and Discipline. However, my true home was Dominance and submission.

Enough that it flavored every single affair I ever had, to a greater or lesser extent. Including several that we never took our clothes off. It just was who I am in my blood and bone.

Well, when the woman I call Love and I got entangled, I can't say that we didn't have a connection. I can't say that there wasn't some affection on some level. But,... ah... Well, I was engaged to someone else and she was married to someone else. I'm not particularly proud of that. But, I think it's relevant to the discussion at hand since we both were pretty severely limited in just how much attachment we were going to allow with the other and were primarily interested in each other as a way to scratch that itch. At first.


I've told (and probably overshared) the story of just how the fuck it came about that we came to be more. So, I won't go into that again here.


I forget who, but someone posited that we typically undergo so many changes in the course of seven years that we aren't actually the same people. I don't know that I completely agree with that. But, I do tend towards a qualifed agreement in that at the least we no longer look at the world the same or want the same things as we did.


So, it's difficult to say really whether the changes in my relationship with Love were more based in how much we had changed, how much we had been through, or whether it was a mark of the steady growth of affection and attachment.

I could still tie her on the bed, on her back, with her head hanging off the side of it, and fuck her throat as I reached across her body to slap and tickle her pussy with my right hand while my left was pinching and tugging and tweaking her nipple viciously. And did. (And no, you can't see the pictures.) I could (and did) still rub my cock, covered in her saliva, all across her face, including her eyelids. I could (and did) still paint her face with my sticky cum and refuse to let her clean it off until I had also filled her pussy, her ass, covered her tits as well... Well, you get the idea.


But, it was also different. I knew where every single mine (including a few I'd placed) were buried. I didn't have to tiptoe through, discovering them, but could trip them or not as I wished, as she needed. She didn't really trust me not to harm her anymore so much as she knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that I was not going to really hurt her irrevocably.

Instead of the long, wild, cross country run through five miles of heavy forest, it was more doing laps around a safe quarter-mile track. She knew that I knew what I was doing. I knew what she needed (most days). She knew what I wanted to the point I didn't often have to ask.


And... I don't know. I mean, I've pretty well lived my life toeing that line between assertion and aggression. But, yeah. I think with very few exceptions, somewhere around that point is where it became a lot easier for me to meter my aggression with her to give her exactly how much she could take at a given point.


Time wore on, as it has a tendency to do, but since it borders on some sad shit you good people don't really want to read about, I'll just say that health issues slowed us down gradually until even vanilla people would be yawning. The last time we tried, about a month and a half or so before she died, she couldn't do anything at all as everywhere that wasn't numb was painful thanks to either her damaged spine or the mass in her brain. And I held her while she wept for over a half hour as we both came to terms that we had probably had sex for the last time already and just hadn't known it. And as I held her, I assured her that I did not love her any less than the day when I had driven her through twenty-three orgasm before she begged me for a break.


The thing is... it's actually difficult for me to tell just how much of that was a growth of affection, how much was growing up and changing, and how much was... well, just all the other shit that just comes from living and living together, of building something lasting that affected the gradual changes.


As far as the last question... *sigh* Yes. Of course. No one is ever on the exact tempo as the other for the duration spanning decades every single time. As far as me... I don't know. Maybe it's something to do with being Dominant. Or maybe it's something else in the kaleidoscope of my head and heart. But, if I felt something was lacking, I would ask for it precisely once. After that, it was on her to remember that I wanted it and choose to either submit to me in the matter or not.

In her case... it's hard to say. In my experiences, submissives seem to have a really difficult time articulating their own wants and desires. I did a lot of work with her on the subject. And I had to overcome the idea that a good girl doesn't desire those things, but if she does, she certainly doesn't talk about them. I had to get her to understand that a) I was exactly who she needed to talk with about them and b) with very few exceptions, if she could articulate a need that wasn't being met, I would steal from Heaven or invade Hell to make sure she got it.


Even just hours before she died, she told me that I had met every need she ever had and quite a few she hadn't known about until she met me. *shrug* It's up to you if you choose to believe her words or if you think she was juggling her inner "good girl" and trying to please me.

*shrug*

I don't know. I'm having a little trouble focusing at this point and I'm not at all sure I addressed the actual question or not. But, I guess I'll come back after I've slept some and decide whether to wipe it all out and try again, McFly.

But, I would just say that whatever you do, whatever you need to be happy, life is too short to waste much time on motherfuckers that don't quite meet the yardstick.

May the sun be out of your eyes tomorrow, and the wind at your back as you chase your dreams.

 

[cookiecat]

~snip~

He’s wanting love, a home, tenderness. I am that. That is how I love, but sometimes there is a bit of a trade off when it comes to the tender and the control. He wants to protect me. Always. It’s a balance.

Very much this.

Lovely post, Fara.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#11

#11
Body Image (stolen)

Bringing this question from another thread but I'm curious how the kinkier among us will answer.

When it comes to sex/kink how do you feel about your body? When it comes to sex/kink, does it affect how you feel (e.g. size, age, race, disability, gender, etc)
Do you feel like your body type is portrayed or portrayed accurately in porn? Does it bother you? Have you ever seen something represented in a way that made you rethink an attraction?

 

[Angedesoleil]

This hit home for me.

Yeah.... yes. Agreed. It does for me too. Once again, Fara, thank you. Someday there is something in your post I'd like to ask about but it's not one for the boards, and only if you will allow me. I think it's something tgat applies to me too, but it scares the fuck out of me. It's not one I'm comfortable discussing openly.

Kinda like this whole topic. The whole topic of dynamic changing over time is to a degree panic inducing. Yes, people grow and change over time. Yes emotions get deeper... but when you go into things knowing ***I need this*** not from a place of broken, but from a place of self awareness... that's frightening. I know it is something I've lived ( my husband presented as Daddy; then the minute I got here ... *poof gone*. I know my Daddy right now has sincere worries about change. ) so growing together as people and within dynamic is a tall order, but important. Really important.

I wonder how much putting emphasis or base of relationship has to do with it. Which would be more successful.

If you base your relationship on do it it in and ground it to D/s dynamic ... if that's the fall back net vs if you root it in people in love. I don't have an answer. I don't have a clue. It's just a thought I've been grappling with.

 

[Angedesoleil]

#11
Body Image (stolen)

Bringing this question from another thread but I'm curious how the kinkier among us will answer.

When it comes to sex/kink how do you feel about your body? When it comes to sex/kink, does it affect how you feel (e.g. size, age, race, disability, gender, etc)
Do you feel like your body type is portrayed or portrayed accurately in porn? Does it bother you? Have you ever seen something represented in a way that made you rethink an attraction?

When it comes to sex/kink how do you feel about your body?
When it comes to sex... I hide under all the pillows. All of them. I'm so insecure about my looks that it's ... painful. Despite that I've been told multiple times that I've no reason to. Vanilla sex... fuck off. Nope. Not getting naked NO. Not going to happen. Lights off covers good ... are we married? Then AIN'T HAPPENING. I'm MUCH nicer to other people than I am to myself. I'm MEAN to me. And terrified and I'm so wrapped up in my head and insecurities I CANT let go. It's not cute.
But...
Kink solves that. Because of what kinds of things I'm interested in (D/s, restraint, bondage etc) it solves it. It's like a magic wand. In my head I KNOW in that situation that my partner wouldn't be there doing what they are doing if they didn't damn well want to be. Yes, they might love me (but sometimes there is a place and time for just being wanted. needed. desired. That's good too.) but even then... this isn't about love. This is about the raw stuff of it all. It's the only time I can really deeply accept the concept that partner wants me. I never said I wasn't messed up.

When it comes to sex/kink, does it affect how you feel (e.g. size, age, race, disability, gender, etc) Do you mean in a partner? Does kink affect my attraction to others physically? Yeah, actually. But I'd rather not go too much into detail. The short version is ... I've never once been attracted to a man on the street. I dont care who he is or what he looks like. I've never had my head turned. Never. I dont notice men or women as attractive. For me attraction is 100% mental/emotional. I can become attracted to someone based upon personality, care, intellect, or demeanor. The latter is the only one that *cough* yeah. I might be 50 shades of red right now. Might.... be.... Anyhow. Yes. Kink affects attraction for me. I need the dynamic in my relationships. It isnt possible for me to be completely satisfied in a vanilla relationship. I'm not talking sex. I'm talking dynamic.

Do you feel like your body type is portrayed or portrayed accurately in porn? Does it bother you?
I dont watch porn actually. When I do, I'm not looking at the people. I'm not attracted to or interested in bodies. im looking at the emotional dynamic content of what is presented. If its a dynamic id be interested in being involved in...then it works for me. case in point: my fav go to for a year now does nadda for me because it isnt a scenario that EW would be interested in (thus I can no longer see myself positively in that scenario.

Have you ever seen something represented in a way that made you rethink an attraction?[/QUOTE][/B] Rethink a kink.... absolutely. Rethink an attraction, no. I never thought I'd be into impact play until one scene I saw in a workshop and holy fuck was I turned on. That's the minute I understood it had completely to do with dynamic. Zero percent interested in or attracted to either Him or her, but the dynamic between them... hells to the yes.

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[Angedesoleil]

Now I can get on board with that last statement Seela. I don't personally feel the need to put down women who are stereotypically beautiful on order to make myself feel better. Agreed. Then again when I hear the term "real women" I tend to think non surgically or photo shop altered. Which is a whole nother can of worms .

Funny first conversation; when EW and I first started talking he says " but I LIKE your body type!" My reply: " post from thick thighs save lives or it didn't happen." ROFL. I love that thread. Before coming here this time and finding that thread I swear I'd never have believed there ARE men genuinely attracted without ulterior get in my pants motives. :/

 

[Scareltt]

com'on now

Now I can get on board with that last statement Seela. I don't personally feel the need to put down women who are stereotypically beautiful on order to make myself feel better. Agreed. Then again when I hear the term "real women" I tend to think non surgically or photo shop altered. Which is a whole nother can of worms .

Funny first conversation; when EW and I first started talking he says " but I LIKE your body type!" My reply: " post from thick thighs save lives or it didn't happen." ROFL. I love that thread. Before coming here this time and finding that thread I swear I'd never have believed there ARE men genuinely attracted without ulterior get in my pants motives. :/

I love the last few lines..

“Before coming here this time and finding that thread I swear I'd never have believed there ARE men genuinely attracted without ulterior get in my pants motives.”

Of course they want to get into your pants, skirt,or dress.

 

[cookiecat]

<snip>

(Side note, I absolutely hate it when people call women who look more like me "real women". As if skinny, beautiful women aren't real. As if cellulite, stretch marks, uneven skintone and rolls of fat make you somehow more real. )

It isn't that skinny, beautiful women aren't real. For me, it's that women with cellulite, stretch marks, rolls aren't generally held up as beautiful in our culture, whether it's in porn, advertising, modeling, on tumblr, etc.

Perhaps real isn't the right word. We're all real. Maybe it's just feeling unseen? I ran in to a series of pictures on tumblr of women with disabilities engaging in kink. They were hot and provocative and it struck me as another segment of people who have sex, some enjoy kink or bdsm and are rarely represented in media images.

 

[Paul_Chance]

#11
Body Image (stolen)

Bringing this question from another thread but I'm curious how the kinkier among us will answer.

When it comes to sex/kink how do you feel about your body? When it comes to sex/kink, does it affect how you feel (e.g. size, age, race, disability, gender, etc)
Do you feel like your body type is portrayed or portrayed accurately in porn? Does it bother you? Have you ever seen something represented in a way that made you rethink an attraction?

I’m good with my body. I’m 57 years old. I put this wonderful body through the wringer a time or two. But, I’m in good shape, I weigh exactly 2 pounds more than I did in high school, and when I see myself naked I see a 57 year old man - which is exactly what I’m supposed to see, so I’m good.

I don’t think that kink has much to do with the body – kink is in the mind. I’m not much of a porn watcher because I find it very transactional and staged. I prefer written erotica or still images. Consequently porn doesn’t really impact the way I think about much at all, including kink.

Kink is a song. The body is just the instrument.