❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[barefootgirl69]

You’re not being ridiculous. Absolutely not.

Paddles and crops should come clearly labelled with “Aftercare is NOT an afterthought.”

*nods*

I like that idea!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#9
Sub-drop. Dom-drop.

I hesitate to assign a definition to these ideas because after researching a bit, everyone defines and experiences it differently.
How do you define sub/Dom drop? If you've experienced it, how did it effect you and how did you handle that? This feeling is often tied to the Domspace or subspace idea - have they always been linked in your experience?

(This is a topic with which I have limited experience but lots of questions so if I'm leaving out something important let me know and I'll make an addendum)

I think there have already been a lot good definitions. But Pucks, for me, hit the nail on the head. The chemical correction and the second guessing feeling.
Honestly, I have a version of this feeling after any play that just ends and that's it, even real life. It's a broken connection feeling. A melancholy, end of summer camp feeling. (Haha, best way I can describe it!)
Specifically, as it relates to subdrop. I've experienced it twice even with really good aftercare. I really think it was a chemical thing and it's crazy to me how the brain works. You can only be in that hyperspace for so long before you have to crash, right? I just felt alone and that brought the sadness, the shaky hands, the wandering mind. I think it may have been different (maybe?) with someone who could physically stay with me. But, I think, even then - a broken connection is a broken connection. Whether you're hanging up the phone or just going to cook dinner and going back to normal routines.
It's just another intense feeling, emotional layer and a way of relating to someone that makes this type of connection with someone so unique and powerful.
I am curious about Dom drop - but as usual these Doms are being mysterious and quiet about their experiences and feelings. <pokes>
This has been some really interesting discussion, guys. I've been busy but I've been reading. Keep it going!

 

[PuckIt]

~snip~ but as usual these Doms are being mysterious and quiet about their experiences and feelings. <pokes>
~snip~

Some of that is, yes, it is part of the nature of Dom/mes to hold back. To be mysterious, as you say. It's right there in the first page of the handbook.

Some of it, though, is that true drop is actually somewhat rarer for the Dom/me side of the equation.

In the first part of what I discussed earlier, Dom/mes tend to operate more from the adrenaline/action side of the equation rather than from true emotion. Arguably, that is pretty much a determining factor is that Dom/mes must be in control of their own emotions before they can successfully control a sub. What this means in practice is that is rarer (although not unheard of) for a Dom/me to fall prey to the emotional roller coaster that we define as "drop." Adrenaline crash, yes. Emotions running amok,... not impossible, but rarer.

In the case of the second part, I don't think I'm giving away any trade secrets to admit that it's not at all rare for fresh Dom/mes to experience a certain amount of paraphilic drop as they come to terms with what good sex means for them. And this is more common in a first experience with a new lover. But, is often masked by concern that they didn't push their new sub to the point of breakage.

*shrug* Since I don't feel any particular need to claim the title, much less am I offering to be such for anyone ever again, I don't feel embarrassed to admit that in several cases, I suffered from Dom/me drop. And many times, early on as my tendencies reached a new level, from paraphilic drop. (Although, there was a certain amount of the latter with each new lover as I studied her during aftercare.)


In some ways, it's easier to be a "good" Dom/me if you aren't emotionally invested in the sub outside of scenes. In other ways, it much more difficult to take them where they need to go if you don't risk the emotional roller coaster that makes it more difficult to divorce the actions from the emotions.

But, we... *cough*... I mean, "they" tend to handle it differently. More often than not, space is required. More introspection than it has been my experience that a sub in her own head needs.


*shrug* And I'll be the first to admit that I know just enough about most shit to get me in trouble and not enough to get me out the other side, so I certainly don't insist on my interpretation.


And, what the Puck... the most I'm willing to admit to is being "something-other-than-a-sub" anyway. So, maybe a true Dom/me will come out of the rafters to clear up what I've Pucked up.

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[barefootgirl69]

You make a very valid point, Seela.

I went back to read my own post, and I sound very selfish.
There are always situations that arise where aftercare may not be possible or hurried or "choose your word".

Sub drop happens whether the PYL is there or not, sometimes worse than others.

Thank you for the reminder.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I would just like to add that this discussion has really normalized this feeling for me. Sometimes, I fight those "girly" feelings. I hate feeling weak or emotional. But learning that it's normal and how to just get through it has made me feel better.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I would just like to add that this discussion has really normalized this feeling for me. Sometimes, I fight those "girly" feelings. I hate feeling weak or emotional. But learning that it's normal and how to just get through it has made me feel better.

That’s why it would be great is male subs or Doms joined in.

 

[midwestyankee]

That’s why it would be great if male subs or Doms joined in.

As a decidedly male sort, and one who prefers to be the doer rather than the doee in these matters, I’ll expand a bit on my affirmation of Puck’s explanation of drop. I have never experienced the paraphilic form that appears to be instigated by feelings of remorse or questioning of one’s actions. I have only ever acted with complete consent and usually with enough advance negotiation that I have not had doubts about what I have done with a partner.

I have definitely experienced drop after especially intense periods of activity (lasting two or three days, for example. The end of intensity has left me feeling quite blue and out of sorts for a few days on occasion. And reflecting further, I can recall a few times when I have had some light periods of drop after less intense D/s activity, though I think the level of emotion involved may have intensified the drop relative to the amount of activity.

Does this help?

 

[wicked woman]

Does this help?

Yes it does. Thank you. I was hoping you'd chime in.

 

[midwestyankee]

Yes it does. Thank you. I was hoping you'd chime in.

Hey, stranger, good to see you.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#10

#10 (On a Friday? Yes on a Friday! I'm changing things up!)

Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression?

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

 

[Paul_Chance]

I kind of dodged the dom-drop subject, though I read the various posts. I've never experienced the emotional/psychological drop, I suspect because I am quite comfortable with who I am and what I want/need sexually, so there isn't that much going on "under the covers" that has to be worked through.

The physical side, yes, but I can, depending on the intensity of the experience, feel that across the spectrum of behaviors, not just sexually, but in any sort of "intense peak experience" - a difficult technical climb, a perfect wave while surfing, there is always the rise, the peak, the descent.

On Friday's wonderful question - a qualified yes. A relationship that includes affection may not impact the acts themselves, but flows through everything else. As opposed to a random or semi-random encounter, which can be put on and taken off like an article of clothing.

As for the "needing more" - yes, when I find I need more, I ask (always keep it simple and straightforward). Though, I will say this - when in a relationship that "more" can be and is spread across multiple encounters, in multiple different scenarios and circumstances, including non-BDSM sex in what is at it's core a BDSM oriented relationship. Sometimes you just have to make love.

 

[Mei5ter]

#10 (On a Friday? Yes on a Friday! I'm changing things up!)

Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression?

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

I wouldn’t wish to ‘go there’ for someone I didn’t care for. Online or in person. Not sure I could.

We only hurt the ones we love..,

 

[AlpineFresco]

#10 (On a Friday? Yes on a Friday! I'm changing things up!)

Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression?

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

Aggression as a term here feels a bit off for me, I just don't see it like that. Like Mei5ter, I just don't want to "go there" if there's no affection. When I "go there", it's from a place of caring, as odd as that may sound to some ears. For me, it's always about the emotional dynamic between the two people.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Aggression as a term here feels a bit off for me, I just don't see it like that.

I may have leaned into the alliteration a little hard here.

Basically, some people can feel the sadism element fade as a relationship grows deeper.

 

[AlpineFresco]

I may have leaned into the alliteration a little hard here.

Basically, some people can feel the sadism element fade as a relationship grows deeper.

No, I was referring specifically to how it feels to me, where that's not happened.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#10 (On a Friday? Yes on a Friday! I'm changing things up!)

Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression?

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

I have heard of relationships that have started with a deep root in D/s, and then grew into something more loving, often see the more stringent, sadistic, strict (trying desperately trying to find the right word here) aspects of that D/s relationship fade. (I.e. It seems like the more you care about someone the less you want to flog them.) And from what I've read, and experienced to a degree, it's the always the sub that's left longing.

We, as subs/PYL, seek out these types of relationships, these types of partners and even though cuddles and kisses are also good, to ignore that very important dynamic can almost promote an insecurity. (Speaking for myself but I'm hoping someone can relate.) And it can be difficult to ask for what you need because that can come off a bit "topping from the bottom". I know the omniscient Dom is a complete fantasy. No one person can know everything you want or need, so there does need to be a conversation. But how do you ask without putting someone on the spot? To me this feels so complicated.

So to answer my own question finally.... Yes, I have noticed the more comfortable someone was around me the less dominant they became and certainly, someone who already has deep affection for me finds it nearly impossible to hurt me. And intimacy makes submitting, really submitting not just obeying, not only easy but a joy.

Several friends have recommended The Story of O which I am just now reading for the fist time (I know! Scandal!) and this quote stands out to me so much, I've probably read it 10 times.

“Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparingly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.”​

I think that kind of sums up what we want quite nicely. I hope this made any sense though I sincerely doubt it.


(Oh lord, so many parentheticals! )

 

[Mei5ter]

I have heard of relationships that have started with a deep root in D/s, and then grew into something more loving, often see the more stringent, sadistic, strict (trying desperately trying to find the right word here) aspects of that D/s relationship fade. (I.e. It seems like the more you care about someone the less you want to flog them.) And from what I've read, and experienced to a degree, it's the always the sub that's left longing.

We, as subs/PYL, seek out these types of relationships, these types of partners and even though cuddles and kisses are also good, to ignore that very important dynamic can almost promote an insecurity. (Speaking for myself but I'm hoping someone can relate.) And it can be difficult to ask for what you need because that can come off a bit "topping from the bottom". I know the omniscient Dom is a complete fantasy. No one person can know everything you want or need, so there does need to be a conversation. But how do you ask without putting someone on the spot? To me this feels so complicated.

So to answer my own question finally.... Yes, I have noticed the more comfortable someone was around me the less dominant they became and certainly, someone who already has deep affection for me finds it nearly impossible to hurt me. And intimacy makes submitting, really submitting not just obeying, not only easy but a joy.

Several friends have recommended The Story of O which I am just now reading for the fist time (I know! Scandal!) and this quote stands out to me so much, I've probably read it 10 times.

“Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparingly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.”​

I think that kind of sums up what we want quite nicely. I hope this made any sense though I sincerely doubt it.


(Oh lord, so many parentheticals! )

I see your plethora of parentheticals and raise you my excess of ellipses...

But...in my limited experience, it can go both ways and depends on the relationship which develops. It can fade to dirty vanilla, or get deeper and darker over time.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Also I'm just not sure there's an easy way to say - "I've had a really shit week and I need to you wreck me, make me cry and then make me feel better". If there is, let me know?

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I see your plethora of parentheticals and raise you my excess of ellipses...

But...in my limited experience, it can go both ways and depends on the relationship which develops. It can fade to dirty vanilla, or get deeper and darker over time.

Grammar jokes... yes please!

 

[Mei5ter]

Also I'm just not sure there's an easy way to say - "I've had a really shit week and I need to you wreck me, make me cry and then make me feel better". If there is, let me know?

Well, again I have limited experience only. But I am told that one way is to give your dark side her own name - maybe your own middle name. Then you only need to tell him that “Katie” has had a shit week, or that “Katie” has been behaving badly, and he knows what to do .

Any good?.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#10 (On a Friday? Yes on a Friday! I'm changing things up!)

Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression?

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

I can't be partners with or do D/s with someone i don't have affection for.

If i need more, i ask for it: 'I need a spanking and a really good cry, please?'

Or, 'How do you feel about me spitting in your face?'

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

This is an interesting question. Both as a PYL and a pyl, I'm able to go further and do more as the relationship progresses and the intimacy grows.

 

[KimGordon67]

#10 (On a Friday? Yes on a Friday! I'm changing things up!)

Does affection change the way you look at your partner in a D/s relationship?
If you've entered into a primarily D/s and then affections grow, does it change the way you see your partner?

Doms/Tops/PYL - Is it more difficult for you to "go there" on physically/emotionally painful level with someone you have deep feelings for? Does your affection outweigh your aggression?

subs/bottoms/PYL - Does the intimacy of a relationship make it harder or easier for you to submit? Have you ever noticed your other half getting more comfortable and less dominant?

We know it can't be D/s every time, all the time, but has there ever been a time where you needed MORE? Did you ask? How did you ask?

We're definitely gone further and further down the rabbit hole the closer we've gotten. It's mostly about trust - that I trust him an increasing amount, but also that as he feels more comfortable with me, and can let his guard down more because he trusts me, he worries less about scaring me or doing something that might make me stop loving him.

What is, I think, as interesting is that as we've gotten closer, we've started switching, which I would have never expected. And that's definitely to do with the emotional connection. He's said, quite straightforwardly, that no other woman would ever have been able to restrain him or hit him, but it's something he really wants with me.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

We're definitely gone further and further down the rabbit hole the closer we've gotten. It's mostly about trust - that I trust him an increasing amount, but also that as he feels more comfortable with me, and can let his guard down more because he trusts me, he worries less about scaring me or doing something that might make me stop loving him.

What is, I think, as interesting is that as we've gotten closer, we've started switching, which I would have never expected. And that's definitely to do with the emotional connection. He's said, quite straightforwardly, that no other woman would ever have been able to restrain him or hit him, but it's something he really wants with me.

Isn't that amazing?