Daddy's Little Girl: Second Edition

[PuckIt]

Mmm. I'm going to give a qualified agreement to what cookiecat and cascadiabound have said in that I don't agree with using the silent treatment or abandonment as a punishment or some sort of disciplinary tool. I think doing so for those reasons is pretty well an earmark of an emotional sadist.

Having said that, as I mentioned over here, I think there is a time when it is appropriate for the Dominant to step off and collect him or herself before continuing. In the scenario I cited, however, I did not do it as a punishment or disciplinary technique, but because my own emotions spiraled out of control. And I knew that whatever I did or said in that moment would come from a place of anger and resentment intending to strike back, to hurt back, just as I'd been hurt.

So, stepping away from Love in that time and place was much more about protecting her. Even from myself. Until my emotions and my thoughts were once more back in my control.


And, yes. As I discussed over there, it freaked her right the fuck out. She did take it as an abandonment. And she did take it as a punishment. But, I think some of the reason she did is because of some of the psychological make-up of the archetype little. It's been my experiences with littles that the old .38 special song is wrong. If you hold on loosely, to their mind, it is tantamount to pushing them away. They need to be held tightly. They need to be swaddled in love to the point that most others would feel constricted just to feel safe and wanted.


And even in that moment when I strode away from Love to the shower rather than do or say something we wouldn't be able to come back from, she needed so desperately to know that it was okay that she attempted to follow me. Only it was not okay. Not at that moment.

Once I was back in control and granted it did take a bit since I neither anger nor get over it easily, I went back out to her and held her in my lap while I continued the discussion we'd been having that set me off. Including my own reactions and the reason for it.

As I say, I did not use it as a tool against her, but to protect her. And in my mind that makes a difference. But, to her mind...? I've never been certain. I was only forced to such an extreme three times that I can recall in twenty-five years. But, the other two times I did at least manage to grit out that she was to sit on the couch and wait for me to come continue the discussion. That first time, I couldn't even do that much.

*shrug*

Any road, I said all that not to disagree with two very intelligent women, because I too believe that using "the silent treatment" or the submissive's fear of abandonment as a teaching tool is just flat wrong. But, I also just wanted to add the small proviso that done the right way, stepping away rather than reacting out of anger is a definite better alternative.


Of course, in all three cases, once the situation had been handled to my satisfaction, I took the time and effort to make her know that I had reclaimed her through ever fiber of her being. Even if it took 'til morning. And I think that was important too.

 

[Nzerxx]

I wish there was a like button on this board

 

[cascadiabound]

Mmm. I'm going to give a qualified agreement to what cookiecat and cascadiabound have said in that I don't agree with using the silent treatment or abandonment as a punishment or some sort of disciplinary tool. I think doing so for those reasons is pretty well an earmark of an emotional sadist.

Having said that, as I mentioned over here, I think there is a time when it is appropriate for the Dominant to step off and collect him or herself before continuing. In the scenario I cited, however, I did not do it as a punishment or disciplinary technique, but because my own emotions spiraled out of control. And I knew that whatever I did or said in that moment would come from a place of anger and resentment intending to strike back, to hurt back, just as I'd been hurt.

So, stepping away from Love in that time and place was much more about protecting her. Even from myself. Until my emotions and my thoughts were once more back in my control.

Thank you for this example. I have had this conversation with Mr T as well. In my mind, the need to step away in order to collect one's thoughts, or be sure you do not say something that would be hurtful is entirely different from what I would characterize as *the silent treatment*

In one case... let's say things are heated and difficult for whatever reason and emotions are heading to 10 or 11... either person should be able to say... "I can't talk to you about this anymore right now. I need a break." or some equivalent. You might even say... Can we talk about this more tomorrow? Or... I need to talk a walk. I will be back in (1 hour, 2 hours, - whatever). Or... "I need some time to figure this out." None of these kinds of responses are cutting of communication entirely - they are tabling the discussion until such time both people are able to resume. And the presumption is that if some greater need presents itself - an injury or emotional crisis not related to the current discussion - all of that would be set aside to attend to each other. The intent, as Puck says, is to make sure that both people are protected in the relationship and that when communication resumes, it is in as healthy a place as possible. In control.

The *silent treatment* on the other hand, to my mind, goes something like this. I am mad at you for X, I do not want to talk to you about it and so I will refuse to talk to you at all for a defined period of time or for as long as I am having a hissy fit over the X infraction. If we are on line in an on-line LDR, all communication ceases - a ghosting for all practical purposes - even if it is only for a few days. If we are parents and we HAVE to talk to each other to take care of day to day stuff, such communication would be minimal. There is no promise of a continued discussion to resolve things and the intent of the *silent treatment* is to make the person it is directed at to feel bad and powerless.

Thank you Puck, for adding to the discussion.

 

[barefootgirl69]

And, yes. As I discussed over there, it freaked her right the fuck out. She did take it as an abandonment. And she did take it as a punishment. But, I think some of the reason she did is because of some of the psychological make-up of the archetype little. It's been my experiences with littles that the old .38 special song is wrong. If you hold on loosely, to their mind, it is tantamount to pushing them away. They need to be held tightly. They need to be swaddled in love to the point that most others would feel constricted just to feel safe and wanted.

This.

It's one of my favorite songs, it's on my playlist... but, what you said is so, SO true. At least, for me.

 

[DarkSimian]

Hi! I've been lurking but thought I'd reply to the punishment/discipline question.

Cassie's quote is great!

Punishment should fit the crime. I hate to see the posts in the BDSM forum where punishment was silence or abandonment for a time frame. I wasn't punished often; not because I wasn't a hot mess (I was!) but because it was saved for egregious behavior. I can only compare it to parenting, maybe? When do you punish your kid? Not at every turn of the corner. Only when it's been a blatant disregard for the rules.

The thing I appreciated about punishment is it wiped the slate clean. Often times, it's human nature to hold a grudge. Bring up sins of the past. Judge what might happen in the future by what went wrong in the past. By enduring a punishment, we were able to move on. I was able to cry, let go of the guilt for being "bad".
We didn't stay mad at each other.

I like what was said above about discipline regulating a sub's life. How it helps the crazy chaos in my head. Calms the voices in my head that tell me I can't do it, I'm not good enough, etc. Discipline, for us, never involved punishment or an act that resembled punishment.

Quite often discipline came in the form of training. Sometimes it involved things he wanted me to try - like anal. So the discipline would involve wearing a bigger plug for an hour each night. It got me focused on what he wanted of me. On one thing, not 1000.

Sometimes he felt I was being too chaotic / overwhelmed so the discipline was something like spanking, then standing in the corner with red butt exposed. Or kneeling in front of him, offering up my breasts. The goal was to focus on my place to him, to switch my brain from chaos to calm, to remember he came first before all my other worries. Once I got focused, we could calmly discuss the day, problems, etc.

This is how we used it in our relationship. We did a lot of reading on Domestic Discipline relationships, Head of Household, stuff like that. Did a lot of talking about what our goals were. Then tailoring the terms to fit those goals.

*takes notes*

 

[SubTulip]

......

 

[Joe_Bob_Gautama]

This may seem fussy of me, but would someone mind terribly posting the definitions for both punishment and discipline?

I feel it's vital that we understand the difference.

TIA

Yes, I’m kinda stalking you, but I’ll go ahead and offer my opinion anyway. Punishment, in my opinion, is most often a reflection of trauma inflicted on the punisher that is then passed onto the punished in an equally traumatic way. Discipline, on the other hand, when administered in a compassionate and emotionally healthy way, is a way of setting an example of love and trust and respect that engenders self-confidence, self-reliance and a path to one’s own pleasure and freedom. JMHO.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I’m not going to say much because it’s already covered and I’m not in a place right now where I can put my thoughts down well.

But to me if done correctly one of the things punishment and discipline convey is care. That they care enough to do so in the first place, that it’s not just all butterflies and rainbows they invest in but also the dynamic as a whole in all it’s nuances.

I think so, Tulip.
If someone didn't at least admonish me on bad behavior, for instance, I would wonder if they're even paying attention. And paying attention to me is something I equate with caring.

 

[ExiledWelshman]

*Thinks about posting. Isn't brave enough. Maybe later*

 

[SubTulip]

I think so, Tulip.
If someone didn't at least admonish me on bad behavior, for instance, I would wonder if they're even paying attention. And paying attention to me is something I equate with caring.

Nods head a lot, yep.

 

[cascadiabound]

Y'all are probably tired of hearing from me, but in keeping with what bfg said above, it seems to me that the two cornerstones of any D/s relationship or DD/lg relationship are responsibility (PYL) and accountability (pyl). So when it comes to paying attention to things like noticing when things are going off the rails or "rules" that have been agreed upon between you and your partner are not being observed, it becomes the responsibility of the PYL to hold the pyl accountable - otherwise the whole thing falls apart. Most PYL sorely hate to punish (I think even sadists are often not crazy about punishment as it fall outside of the sexy fun time part of the relationship),

But as odd as it may seem, when the PYL does step up and hold his/her pyl accountable, it tells them that they care enough to notice, to see the missteps and to want to guide them and correct them to do better. This is enormously comforting and provides a sense of security that, in this case, Daddy really is watching over me.

PYL = pick your label dominant side of the slash
pyl= pick your label submissive side of the slash

 

[DarkSimian]

My question is; how can I apply these lessons to my cat (no, the other one)?

 

[cascadiabound]

My question is; how can I apply these lessons to my cat (no, the other one)?

cats are incorrigible.

https://78.media.tumblr.com/cfb9f30bfcfda6ba545ab24223bb0045/tumblr_mywoggJSYQ1qljj91o1_400.gif

 

[Daisy4342]

Daddies girl

Just thought I'd say hi here as one of my turn on s is role play fantasys although would like it become real with my next partner or if not then other alternatives. I see wanting a daddy as more of a part of dominatio n as I like sub and dom I am more submissive like to please my partner and be pleased . Mmmm

 

[SubTulip]

......

 

[LostGirlTink]

My question is; how can I apply these lessons to my cat (no, the other one)?

I giggled and immediately thought of 12 cat memes to share with you. I couldn't decide so I am posting this one because he's cute.
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSYMyFs5Tr461AdCZqb88QogwWUUlqYZhQWL5CdjKDWbI8zcfedBw

 

[barefootgirl69]

I giggled and immediately thought of 12 cat memes to share with you. I couldn't decide so I am posting this one because he's cute.
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSYMyFs5Tr461AdCZqb88QogwWUUlqYZhQWL5CdjKDWbI8zcfedBw

I had a cat once that I taught to play fetch... seriously was a great cat. Otherwise... not a kitty person

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Waves hi come back and share your thoughts EW.

Oh hell no.

Noping out.

Plus I can't post something like that directly after a cat meme. Just not me.

 

[Angedesoleil]

Y'all are probably tired of hearing from me, but in keeping with what bfg said above, it seems to me that the two cornerstones of any D/s relationship or DD/lg relationship are responsibility (PYL) and accountability (pyl). So when it comes to paying attention to things like noticing when things are going off the rails or "rules" that have been agreed upon between you and your partner are not being observed, it becomes the responsibility of the PYL to hold the pyl accountable - otherwise the whole thing falls apart. Most PYL sorely hate to punish (I think even sadists are often not crazy about punishment as it fall outside of the sexy fun time part of the relationship),

But as odd as it may seem, when the PYL does step up and hold his/her pyl accountable, it tells them that they care enough to notice, to see the missteps and to want to guide them and correct them to do better. This is enormously comforting and provides a sense of security that, in this case, Daddy really is watching over me.

PYL = pick your label dominant side of the slash
pyl= pick your label submissive side of the slash

Oh the irony that is about to ensue! ( I swear I'm just checking in at the hour lol I swear!!!)
That said every bit of this is true. I haven't read back. I'm gonna have to, because I did pretty much open this topic and I really did want quality input. Thank you so much Cas♡ I've not read back yet so to those people too♡.

I agree, it speaks safe, seen, loved.

Pssssttttt.... Cariad, I see you zipping your lips over there. It couldn't BE more pertinent. Go for it. Sincerely, honestly. Do. It's ok. ♡♡♡

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Oh the irony that is about to ensue! ( I swear I'm just checking in at the hour lol I swear!!!)
That said every bit of this is true. I haven't read back. I'm gonna have to, because I did pretty much open this topic and I really did want quality input. Thank you so much Cas♡ I've not read back yet so to those people too♡.

I agree, it speaks safe, seen, loved.

Pssssttttt.... Cariad, I see you zipping your lips over there. It couldn't BE more pertinent. Go for it. Sincerely, honestly. Do. It's ok. ♡♡♡

Gah. Fine.

Ok, so bear in mind, I'm an amateur...But first off, punishment is a horrible word.

Discipline...let's go with that, for now and this is my take on it - not saying anyone else's take is less valid than my own.

For me, humiliation, degradation, inflicting pain is totally counter productive, but that's because of who I am. And partly because of ^^

It needs to be reinforce a point and be tailored to the recipient and what makes him/her tick and really speaks to them. Otherwise...what's the point? If a "lesson" needs to be learned, then it needs to be one that the recipient can truly understand and will be beneficial.

But ultimately, it needs to be a positive experience for both parties. It needs to wipe the slate clean and ensure that while the lesson is learned, the actual event remains in the past.

Or words to that effect.

I'm a tired EW.

 

[Zato_1]

ddlg

I was a daddy for a sweet little ball of hyper and cute who would be kind and innocent one moment, and then a brat trying to get daddy to punish her the next. She liked to curl up in my lap and watch movies. She also liked to dress up as a cat or a fox.

We had some fun, naughty times in RP too. Sadly, I'm now her "second daddy" because she needed someone she could do those things with IRL. It was my first time doing DD/LG RP and it was fun and cutesy (and I do love me some cutesy). We're just online pals now. Twas a nice learning experience, though. ^_^

 

[Angedesoleil]

"But ultimately, it needs to be a positive experience for both parties. It needs to wipe the slate clean and ensure that while the lesson is learned, the actual event remains in the past."
<3 <3<3
thumbs up.

This is something we've been working on the two of us since my post ?er a week ago? about rules. I'm still reading back, apparently this isnt actually ruminations on what I'd asked rather Honey posted a similar question... so yay for similarity.

I'm just gonna toss this here because it had such a profound impact on me as a person:

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/castlerealm/masters_shoe_box.html

 

[LostGirlTink]

Oh hell no.

Noping out.

Plus I can't post something like that directly after a cat meme. Just not me.

You totally could have posted that directly after a cat meme.


It was well stated and it's what works for you right? Then even if it worked for NO ONE ELSE, then it's still valid and sound.


Interesting discussion lately. I've been... busy and there was a lot I wanted to talk about but I think that topic has passed and it's probably for the best anyway, so I"m going to come back to one thing that I do want to touch on because it ties into the above from a different perspective.

Positive Reinforcement.
2 words.

Good girl

The power of those words is astronomical.
They are completely meaningless from someone who doesn't matter to me. They have no reaction at all and while it's nice to be praised for any reason, like AlwaysFara said, unless there's something there, it tends to make me bristle.

From him? I melt completely, and it makes me willing to do just about anything for those words.

And I wonder why... but at the same time I sort of know and understand and in some ways it's why I fall into that kind of a little category.
I don't need someone to tell me what to do for me to do them... necessarily.
But anyone that knows me more than superficially knows that I am kinda a trainwrecky mess sometimes. Occasionally. Often.. Ok, most of the time.
I overschedule myself.
I give too much to too many people.
I suck at saying no.
I don't sleep, I procrastinate.
I don't take care of myself the way I should.
I make bad decisions with my coping mechanisms.

I am great at taking care of other people and will do so at risk to myself; physically, mentally, emotionally.
Even faced with knowing I need to do things for myself, I don't tend to do them for myself.

But I do like to make people that are important to me happy.
So... feeling like I've done something that has made him happy by taking care of myself... that I can do.

I don't respond well to the idea of disappointing someone.
I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be and I tend to expect that everyone is always going to leave. A relationship set up with punishment or discipline at the core probably wouldn't be ideal for me.

But doing things I know will make him happy? In bed or out?
Make him whisper that I'm a good girl?
Um. Yes please.

I don't know. I'm probably rambling.
It seemed like an important thing to add to the conversation but it's probably just stuff other people said in some way already.

 

[SubTulip]

You totally could have posted that directly after a cat meme.


It was well stated and it's what works for you right? Then even if it worked for NO ONE ELSE, then it's still valid and sound.


Interesting discussion lately. I've been... busy and there was a lot I wanted to talk about but I think that topic has passed and it's probably for the best anyway, so I"m going to come back to one thing that I do want to touch on because it ties into the above from a different perspective.

Positive Reinforcement.
2 words.

Good girl

The power of those words is astronomical.
They are completely meaningless from someone who doesn't matter to me. They have no reaction at all and while it's nice to be praised for any reason, like AlwaysFara said, unless there's something there, it tends to make me bristle.

From him? I melt completely, and it makes me willing to do just about anything for those words.

And I wonder why... but at the same time I sort of know and understand and in some ways it's why I fall into that kind of a little category.
I don't need someone to tell me what to do for me to do them... necessarily.
But anyone that knows me more than superficially knows that I am kinda a trainwrecky mess sometimes. Occasionally. Often.. Ok, most of the time.
I overschedule myself.
I give too much to too many people.
I suck at saying no.
I don't sleep, I procrastinate.
I don't take care of myself the way I should.
I make bad decisions with my coping mechanisms.

I am great at taking care of other people and will do so at risk to myself; physically, mentally, emotionally.
Even faced with knowing I need to do things for myself, I don't tend to do them for myself.

But I do like to make people that are important to me happy.
So... feeling like I've done something that has made him happy by taking care of myself... that I can do.

I don't respond well to the idea of disappointing someone.
I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be and I tend to expect that everyone is always going to leave. A relationship set up with punishment or discipline at the core probably wouldn't be ideal for me.

But doing things I know will make him happy? In bed or out?
Make him whisper that I'm a good girl?
Um. Yes please.

I don't know. I'm probably rambling.
It seemed like an important thing to add to the conversation but it's probably just stuff other people said in some way already.

Not rambling Tink

 

[Angedesoleil]

Positive Reinforcement.
2 words.

Good girl

The power of those words is astronomical.
They are completely meaningless from someone who doesn't matter to me. They have no reaction at all and while it's nice to be praised for any reason, like AlwaysFara said, unless there's something there, it tends to make me bristle.

From him? I melt completely, and it makes me willing to do just about anything for those words.

And I wonder why... but at the same time I sort of know and understand and in some ways it's why I fall into that kind of a little category.
I don't need someone to tell me what to do for me to do them... necessarily.
But anyone that knows me more than superficially knows that I am kinda a trainwrecky mess sometimes. Occasionally. Often.. Ok, most of the time.
I overschedule myself.
I give too much to too many people.
I suck at saying no.
I don't sleep, I procrastinate.
I don't take care of myself the way I should.
I make bad decisions with my coping mechanisms.

I am great at taking care of other people and will do so at risk to myself; physically, mentally, emotionally.
Even faced with knowing I need to do things for myself, I don't tend to do them for myself.

But I do like to make people that are important to me happy.
So... feeling like I've done something that has made him happy by taking care of myself... that I can do.

I don't respond well to the idea of disappointing someone.
I am harder on myself than anyone else could ever be and I tend to expect that everyone is always going to leave. A relationship set up with punishment or discipline at the core probably wouldn't be ideal for me.

But doing things I know will make him happy? In bed or out?
Make him whisper that I'm a good girl?
Um. Yes please.

All of this. All of it. Thank you Tink.

I think especially about it being easy to take care of me cause tgat makes him happy and that disappointing him is really hard.

I also had a spazz last night when I read Cookie's comments. I wrote something very similar last week in PM so it helps to not feel so off. Thank you.