Jealousy

[SovereignShe]

We've all felt it one time or another. What is one to do when it's gone too far? I need to speak with a very experienced Dom/Domme. Private message is preferred. I thank you in advance for your help on this matter.

On the other hand, how do you deal with an extremely jealous person? One you can't talk to or reason with? You've tried consoling and calming them, but they rage on?

 

[IyaMemora]

Leave them. Insecurity and jealousy does not fit into my relationships.

 

[SovereignShe]

That's what I was afraid most would say. It's happened occasionally, but it's progressively getting worse. Now it's to the point where I think I might be living in the twilight zone. Any submissive would feel pangs of jealousy every now and then over their Dom/Domme. However, this is on another level.

 

[IyaMemora]

A little jealousy is healthy for a relationship, but if he (or she) is taking it to the extreme that you say, I'd bet there is something wrong with them. Some deep seeded hatred or insecurity that they are taking out on you. Whether you are dom or sub, you have to have confidence in yourself or no relationship will work out long term. I'd talk with said person about these issues, but, if it stays bad then yeah, time to say goodbye.

 

[SovereignShe]

We've discusssd it at length. I don't feel comfortable talking publicly about how badly it's gotten. I'm unsure how to handle this last episode. I've been submersed in the decision to possibly release him. I want to make sure it's the right decision all the way around. Releasing is never to be taken lightly and one that will surely break both of our hearts.

 

[the captians wench]

Different people handle things differently.

What is bringing on this jealousy? It's hard to come to a clear conclusion with out a bit more details.

If you are into a harem, for instance, and he is experiencing what you consider "extreme jealousy" she may not be cut out for it. his insecurity may have some validation. He may not be "broken", he may just not be cut out for the type of relationship you desire. Again, it's hard to advise with such little detail.

I'm also a little concerned by your eagerness to jump onto the "dump him" train. If that is what you want the outcome to be, you shouldn't need the validation of strangers.

 

[SovereignShe]

Different people handle things differently.

What is bringing on this jealousy? It's hard to come to a clear conclusion with out a bit more details.

If you are into a harem, for instance, and he is experiencing what you consider "extreme jealousy" she may not be cut out for it. his insecurity may have some validation. He may not be "broken", he may just not be cut out for the type of relationship you desire. Again, it's hard to advise with such little detail.

I'm also a little concerned by your eagerness to jump onto the "dump him" train. If that is what you want the outcome to be, you shouldn't need the validation of strangers.

I understand your feelings. He has deeply rooted self-esteem issues. I can only help so much. I've tried and will continue to do my best for him. This has been an ongoing issue and it's increasingly getting worse.

I do not need validation from strangers. I am simply asking how people deal with severely debilitating jealousy. This isn't your average issue. We've been working through this issue for years. If he can't be healed, I at least want was is best for him. Whether or not that means being with me.

I do appreciate your response. I am looking at this from all angles.

 

[DisreputableDan]

Releasing is never to be taken lightly and one that will surely break both of our hearts.

Having been through this recently I sympathise with the position, but my experiences suggest that this behaviour tends to get worse, not better and you spend more time mitigating these issues than attending to what you really wish to be doing. Whilst making the decision to do this will be hard, it should grant you both the time and space to evaluate things in the cold light of day, and put in place the safeguards against it happening again.

I have not regretted my decision subsequently, painful though it was.

 

[desertslave]

I understand your feelings. He has deeply rooted self-esteem issues. I can only help so much. I've tried and will continue to do my best for him. This has been an ongoing issue and it's increasingly getting worse.

I do not need validation from strangers. I am simply asking how people deal with severely debilitating jealousy. This isn't your average issue. We've been working through this issue for years. If he can't be healed, I at least want was is best for him. Whether or not that means being with me.

I do appreciate your response. I am looking at this from all angles.

It is not your job to be a therapist, which sounds like it might be a better way of handling things for your sub. This is especially true if you believe that these jealous feelings are not based in reality. If you DO have other people requiring the same kind of time and attention, then perhaps this sub is simply not wired for a poly relationship.

 

[Touch_Me_Daddy]

I used to get jealous when my wife had luster in her. But she is boring so I look elsewhere I don't get jealous

 

[bzlynzee]

Leave them. Insecurity and jealousy does not fit into my relationships.

it is so easy for jealousy to tip into unhealthy behaviors.
unfun controlling things that border on abuse. beware.
in power exchange there must be trust
is there room for jealousy if you have trust?

 

[LiamHDunn]

it is so easy for jealousy to tip into unhealthy behaviors.
unfun controlling things that border on abuse. beware.
in power exchange there must be trust
is there room for jealousy if you have trust?

Can jealousy and trust co-exist?
Or are they mutually exclusive?

It seems to me, and this is just my opinion, that they are opposite ends of the same scale; at least in the relationship sense. That jealousy and trust are a sort of "sum zero" game.

 

[Farawyn]

Jealously has almost nothing to do with the other person for me. I either trust him, or I don’t.
It’s my insecurity that causes it.

 

[Mrtenant]

Jealousy sucks for everyone involved

 

[cascadiabound]

Jealousy is really about fear - fear and anxiety. Jealousy is the emotion you experience when you worry something or someone might be taken away from you. It is a reactive emotion as a result of something we fear. It seems to me that people who have experienced a lot of loss or who have issues related to being abandoned may be more prone to jealousy.

I suspect that jealousy feels so out of control because it is a reactive emotion. Reactive to fear and loss and caused by inadequate trust, an unsteadiness between people. Jealousy is the symptom, not the problem itself and may be related to not trusting yourself OR not trusting your partner. The cause may or may not be what seems to be the presenting issue. Sometimes what is pointed to as what is "causing" the jealousy is just a red herring. The root cause may be something entirely different, or something below the surface.

Normal responses to jealousy are fear, sadness, desire, insecurity, hatred, and anxiety. It's an imbalance in your trust not only in the other person but in yourself.

As usual, the way to find the root cause of jealousy is open communication and discussing your feelings even when they seem irrational. All emotions are valid, no matter how silly or irrational they may seem. They are real to you and that's what matters. Talk them out, figure out how to over come your fears and insecurities and work together to build a strong basis so that jealousy is far from your mind. Trust and security in your relationship can help keep jealousy at bay most of the time.

As with any emotional state, we can choose how we feel and how we are going to behave in response to the things that we feel. You may not be able to control the trigger, that thing that causes the initial surge of emotion, but as adults, we can each decide how we want to deal with it. Choose to deal with it rationally and keep it under control.

Remind yourself that your partner (PYL or pyl) chose you in their life. You are special to them. They have chosen YOU. Count your own blessings. Consider all the ways that your partner loves and cares for you. And then give them the benefit of the doubt. Talk to them before jumping to conclusions. Jealousy does not need to eat your relationship.

 

[Erosfan]

Can jealousy and trust co-exist?
Or are they mutually exclusive?

It seems to me, and this is just my opinion, that they are opposite ends of the same scale; at least in the relationship sense. That jealousy and trust are a sort of "sum zero" game.

I think you nailed it here. To me, they are mutually exclusive.
A long time ago, I was in a relationship where my partner was jealous to the point of being toxic.
Ultimately, I had to end it for my own peace of mind.
It wasn't an easy decision, Looking back, it was the right thing to do.

 

[KCWinter]

I'm polyamorous as well as submissive, and date poly people, so I deal with feeling jealous fairly regularly. (Though not as frequently as it used to be.) But the key is I *deal* with it. I do talk to whichever of my partners is involved, because they've asked me to, but I try to have fairly calm conversations. I have anxiety and depression, which contribute to the jealousy as well.

Even though I talk to my partners when I feel jealous, it's still my responsibility to deal with my own emotions.

 

[Taramafor]

I once talked someone into being with me even though another was also involved.

Everyone has the fear of neglect. Time needs to be made. I changed their mind on the matter by being there for them to the best of my ability.

During this I also explained how people can take more of an interest in things like clubs or other none person related things. Furthermore just because you fuck someone doesn't mean you're more or less interested in them. There's sex and then there's intimacy. Regardless it all contributes to the "time" factor. I'd take more issue with someone not making an active effort to be around me because they got more of an interest in a club then someone that has a close partner yet makes an active effort to make the time for me.

Even I get jealous at times. But when I do it's not the "other persons" fault. If I'm jealous it's because someone I am close too isn't making enough time for me. Maybe I don't want to hear about the same subject (or person) all the time. Maybe THEY could make more an effort to be with me and take an interest in MY activities.

People can struggle to do that. To go "You're the one hurting me." But it must be said. The truth is the truth. Only then cans something be done about it. Do they care for that other thing as much as me, regardless if its an events, item or person? Then it matters to them. Me having a problem with that will not change that. It would also be selfish to be the "only" thing if something matters "as much". Not more. As much. Even I don't stand for "more then me".

Thing is people can suck at being good at making the time. Or even making the activity when together. That's not a fault of "others". That's a fault of "you". Be it one or both. Even if there's a Z there's always an X and Y. Focus on the TWO of you even if you are poly. How can you get better with each other? Maybe even "Z's" can help with that. As examples if nothing else. We all learn from past relationships as well as current ones. I once had to talk sense into someone about "Quit lying to each other you nitwits". Don't need to trust Z, just trust that Z matters to Y. Transit of property means being there for Z due to Y's happiness.

Personally I find it helps to ditch labels altogether. Even the "husband/wife/mate" ones. It gets more confusing the more you try to simplify. I find a better approach is to go "What these things mean to you. What you mean to me. You got to make an effort to make the time, even if you feel bad for being lazy. Which would still be happening even if others weren't around." It's not a case of "mono/poly" with me. It's "Others matter and I care enough to look after all involved regardless of labels". Someone might do "friends" but I don't even use that label. I'm all in or bust. Consider what the "normal labels" mean to each other. then realise what ultimately matters is if you're neglecting each other or not.

You're probably more likely to get jealous of me over playing games all day then being there for another person. I do make an active effort to make the time for others though. It all matters in the end. People can beat themselves up for it no matter what the reason is. So keep that in mind. People that try to make the time even if constantly prodded matter. Might even need to stop prodding and slip in an odd reminded in order to get them to do it themselves to fight their "laziness".

Also, personal experience subject incoming. I once didn't get on with an exes BF (who was also an ex at the time). Drunk car crash at midnight. We never got on. Slowly wasted away in hospital. As she held his hand. Didn't matter if "I" didn't care for him or not. "She" did. And no "label" will change that. Makes me think they could have had more time together. Long as I still got my fair share of it of course. Now my personal feelings for "Z" don't matter. I just trust "Y" and try to be there for their happiness regardless. Be it person, club, karate. Etc.

 

[seela]

Even though I talk to my partners when I feel jealous, it's still my responsibility to deal with my own emotions.

^This right here is what it boils down to for me, too. I have to own my shit. Others may help me deal with it to a degree, but it really is 100% on me to get a grip on my own emotions.

To me trust and jealousy are not mutually exclusive and not all jealousies are created equal. Some are harder to handle, some can even be played with to everybody's amusement.

More often than not my jealousy stems from my own insecurities and that's the kind of jealousy I usually find the most difficult to deal with. I'm not a beautiful, sexy creature, who's endlessly interesting and engaging. I'm awkward, can get too stuck in my own head, shy and physically, let's say, lacking. I sometimes have a hard time understanding why anybody would like to hang out with me for longer than a couple of days, so it's hardly a surprise that jealousy stemming from insecurity is a familiar friend to me.

Some things on my long list of jealousy inducing insecurities are easier for me to handle and the pangs of jealousy they cause are weaker, some are varsity level stuff.

And then, sometimes, there are really real causes of jealousy, something that is not just something I've made up in my mind because of my own insecurities. I'm poly(ish) and sometimes I might feel "left out" for whatever reason etc. That type of jealousy is not as difficult for me to deal with as the kind that stems from my personal insecurities, but it doesn't make it any less real. Talking about the causes helps dealing with this type of jealousy, but I think it rarely fully solves the issue.

In the end, regardless of the cause of my jealousy, it's still all on me to be responsible and handle my own emotions in a mature and safe way. I need to find a way to deal with it and that way is never, ever letting my emotions totally spin out of control and causing a huge scene.

 

[Farawyn]

Is it jealousy when it’s without merit?
What about a situation of betrayal? What is that called... still jealousy?
Or something else?
Like heartbreak.

 

[lanceGibs]

Jealousy is about our own insufficiency which we do not know fully,

 

[Ghostee]

To be honest I think a extremely jealous man is sexy.

I dig and dig for stories with jelaous guys.

I am talking the jelaous type that feel threanted. That adores me so much. So he drags me to his place forcefully and fucks me hard all night. Makes me cum so hard. Makes me tell him, I'm his dirty slut and how I love his cock in my tight pussy.

I want him to fuck my face hard as he growls. I feel like jealously when not blaming your partner but being considered is sexy.

You are a train wreck about to happen.

save your snappy reply I'm older and have seen the effects of the jealousy you mistake for a deeper emotion a healthy emotion.
I hope you have a wise Daddy and he trains you well you have so much to learn!

 

[lanceGibs]

We could talk, at length, on the subject.

 

[Angedesoleil]

I'm going to throw in something here that was an important differentiation for me: there is a difference between jealousy and being territorial.

I'm not personally jealous or territorial....but I appreciate territorial ness in my Sir. One of the things that made me the happiest was when he got annoyed that someone harmed me. His reaction was very territorial. Its not about being a trainwreck waiting to happen, when he acknowledged that the thing that happened should only happen with or from him it was an acknowledgment that that aspect of my life is an area he has taken ownership of. It was a sign that that *contract* if you will is taken seriously and valued.

 

[kittiGoddess]

May be I can add to this from the point of view of the jealous person, I didn't feel fear, I felt anger, my jealousy always comes from a deep hatred of the object that is causing my jealousy.

I suffered extreme jealousy with a Dom, to the point of casting a spell on him. This had nothing to do with fear of losing him but I despised the other sub. I compared myself to her and was angry that he could even consider being with her instead of me, It made me feel bad because in my warped mind, it was saying that I was uglier than her.