And the winner for least erotic phrase in a story...

[CyranoJ]

For raw 'n dirty inspiration I often read vintage pulp porn novels. Stuff with titles like "Nurses in Heat," "Campus Go-Go Girl" and "Youth Against Obscenity." There's just a certain directness about how vintage smut of a certain era, especially the Sixties and Seventies, handled sex that I enjoy.

That said, hoo-boy, there are some bad writing doozies to wade through. A current read is fond of anal scenes and for some reason they found the phrase "shit juices" not just sexy enough to use but to use repeatedly, in phrases like and-I-swear-I'm-not-making-this-up "her shit juices popped loudly."

They can't all be winners, can they.

http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/BatistaThumbsDown1.gif

Feeling the pain of a similar moment? Don't keep it bottled up inside. Inflict it on others here!

 

[ChloeTzang]

That said, hoo-boy, there are some bad writing doozies to wade through. A current read is fond of anal scenes and for some reason they found the phrase "shit juices" not just sexy enough to use but to use repeatedly, in phrases like and-I-swear-I'm-not-making-this-up "her shit juices popped loudly."

They can't all be winners, can they.

That's so evil. I just snorted my coffee. I've got to see if I can use that one at work. Somehow.

 

[SimonDoom]

How anyone can get in the mood to the phrase "shit juices" is beyond me.

I'm not easily squicked, but that's . . . just . . . no.

 

[ishtat]

That's so evil. I just snorted my coffee. I've got to see if I can use that one at work. Somehow.

My caps.

One of my daughters has a friend who trained to be a nurse. Some of her 'tales from the nursing battlefront' were to say the least, something else. I just didn't believe some of the stories about what folks got up to, or maybe I just didn't want to believe that people actually did such things - really!

 

[NotWise]

That said, hoo-boy, there are some bad writing doozies to wade through. A current read is fond of anal scenes and for some reason they found the phrase "shit juices" not just sexy enough to use but to use repeatedly, in phrases like and-I-swear-I'm-not-making-this-up "her shit juices popped loudly."

I think in the current vernacular "shit juices" might be 'santorum'--named for former Senator Rick Santorum after he (and this might be familiar from another thread) compared homosexual acts to bestiality.

 

[CyranoJ]

^ It totally made me think of "santorum." Who knew that guy would ever be useful for a thing that could be called "more elegant" than another thing?

That's so evil. I just snorted my coffee. I've got to see if I can use that one at work. Somehow.

"Mrs. Jenkins' shit juices are popping. We should probably call a priest."

 

[holliday1960]

.....

 

[NotWise]

...is there an exit to this thread?...please? And, on THAT note, Chloe...I swear if you DO find a way to use that at work...well, I can safely predict that any patient who overhears it, will likely not be there long. You have the power to...Heal the world, Chloe!!!

I think Chloe would use the term with her coworkers, not with her patients.

It's never ceased to amaze me what experiences nurses will relate over dinner. My wife only stopped after the daughters mounted a revolt.

 

[LeandraNyx]

Deleted

 

[CyranoJ]

...is there an exit to this thread?...please?

Sure, second door on the left. Straight on past the shit juices.

That podcast sounds freaking amazing, @LeandraNyx. Seek mode engaged.

 

[holliday1960]

.....

 

[holliday1960]

.....

 

[SamScribble]

Oh, what a sheltered life I seem to have lived.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I once read "parking the purple Pajero", although I think that may have been deliberate badfic.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I can just see Chloe standing there looking at the chart and telling the patient...

"Well, Mrs. Jones, your shit-juice is starting to tighten up. And good thing. If it pops, we're all up shits creek." Sorry Chloe.

My fav of he pulp sex fiction days was...

"And his member found a resting place in her dark home."

 

[ChloeTzang]

It's never ceased to amaze me what experiences nurses will relate over dinner. My wife only stopped after the daughters mounted a revolt.

Oh, I've only been doing this for 4 years and believe me, I have a few. I listen to the stories from people who've been doing this for years, especially one or two from big innr city ERs and the stories are just hilarious. You do develop a bit of an attitude over time tho. The shit juices thing would just fit right in, but yeah, not with the patients. Most of them anyhow.

There was the guy last week who got brought in. OD on fentanyl. Chewed a patch too many. Narcan cancelled his looming appointment with the grim reaper and was he mad. Apparently we ruined a perfectly good OD. He was very rude about it. You just shrug. "Next." Now that was a dude I would have used shit juices on had i but been aware of the phrase. I gotta do it when one of the others is drinking coffee tho. Say it dead straight just at the right time so that they snort it. ... Chloe laughs evilly

 

[Bramblethorn]

"Well, Mrs. Jones, your shit-juice is starting to tighten up. And good thing. If it pops, we're all up shits creek."

Here's a story about exactly that: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/...sesredditors_what_has_been_your_most/c5o66p2/

 

[CyranoJ]

Oh, I am so not clicking that link.

I listened to the first couple of episodes of "My Dad Wrote a Porno." I gotta say, part of me feels a little bad for Rocky Flintstone. I don't have kids, thank the fuck Christ, but if I did it would be mortifying to have one of them find my erotica and read and review it with a couple of bitchy friends for the world's edification.

But there's only so bad I can feel for him because... wow. If his son didn't exist as proof that he had had sex, that's the kind of erotica that would make me seriously wonder. I had to bail out of the lesbian scene in ep. 2 because I was laughing too hard.

 

[Hypoxia]

One may never discover or create the worst, most anti-erotic passage in literature.

Talented competitors will strive and succeed to create something worse, much worse.

And some dedicated pervs will find the nastiest writing to be the most exciting. Like my reader who demanded a tale where a son fucks his mom's ass till bloody shitballs squirt out. At least they didn't demand tentacles, too.

How else to be non-erotic? Be technical, i.e. medical terminology. Stun-em with detail.

Or be political. Any mention of [name redacted] is automatically mood-breaking.

Or... "He played her like a violin with the strings turned so high that they broke." Yah.

 

[Handley_Page]

Oh, what a sheltered life I seem to have lived.

Me, too

 

[jaF0]

They can't all be winners, can they.

Especially the assholes that pop animated shit in discussion board posts.

 

[LeandraNyx]

Deleted

 

[Hypoxia]

I have a winner from long long ago, the SANDPAPER SAL punchline about how the old whore's pussy had gone from dry to juicy: "Sometime I just have to pick the scabs and let the pus run a little." Can't beat the classics, hey?

 

[CyranoJ]

I don't know whether to be impressed or frightened that someone actually turned up who no-foolin' found the gif the most offensive thing in the OP. (But yeah. You can go back to the General Board now.)

@Hypoxia: I did not actually know the Sandpaper Sally joke. Yipes.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Oh, I am so not clicking that link.

Excellent choice.