Relationship/Sex advice?

[karikun]

Hi, this is my first time posting! I'm usually a quiet bystander here but I need some advice so I guess I'm here to get the opinions of others. So here goes:

I've been in a relationship for almost 9 years. When we first started going out, sex wasn't a big issue because we were so into each other and everything 'felt right'. But now I'm 9 years in and I'm starting to wonder if maybe this ISN'T our relationship sizzling out but rather a issue with how I am as a person. I mean, there are certainly memorable instances where we've had sex but I've never orgasmed throughout the entire 9 years because I just wasn't turned on by what was happening.

I used to think that he wasn't as controlling or dominating in bed and that was why I wasn't enjoying the sex, since I get turned on by reading dirty talk and verbal domination. We sat down and had numerous talks about how to "spice up" our love life and tried different things in accordance to that, including getting rough and dirty talk. But it didn't quite work...

When it comes down to it, the best way for my to get off is by reading erotic literature to myself. If he reads it out loud, it just doesn't felt right and makes me uncomfortable because it sounds too scripted and cheesy. If I read it while we're having sex, it also makes me feel uncomfortable because I'm just staring at a screen, completely detached from him.

I know I should feel comfortable with what my body likes, and I love my partner so much, but I don't want him feeling like he's not sexy or attractive to me. I enjoy having sex with him, but I just can't get to climax any other way than with myself.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? What should I do? Am I doomed?

 

[sunandshadow]

Have you tried a blindfold? Women who have difficulty orgasming because they get distracted during sex often find a blindfold helpful.

As far as the scripted sound of a story being read, a poem might work better?

 

[bill4672a]

Many women have trouble orgasming just from sex. Do you have the same problems during oral sex? Also, are you under a lot of stress--home or work? What about diet? Are you eating right? Have you tried supplements for sex?

The more you stress about this, the more difficult it will be. Try to relax. Don't worry about having an orgasm. Often, that helps.

What about masturbating for him, showing him how you like to touch yourself?

 

[JamesRTickit]

You have identified

The things that don't fit.
You want dominance but he isn't dominant.
You get off with stories but he can't read them right.

So simply you are on different wavelengths.

It is not unusual as you can find on here so many couples have a mismatch in libido/ sexual arousal.

Truthfully the solution for you is self satisfaction as you do now or a stronger man.

 

[tryn2Bgood]

Doomed...doomed, I tell ya

The things that don't fit.
You want dominance but he isn't dominant.
You get off with stories but he can't read them right.

So simply you are on different wavelengths.

It is not unusual as you can find on here so many couples have a mismatch in libido/ sexual arousal.

Truthfully the solution for you is self satisfaction as you do now or a stronger man.

How have you gone 9 years without an orgasm during sex???

I agree with the above quote.

If you love someone, sometimes you have to make sacrifices. But...sacrificing an orgasm? Not sure I could do that. Have you tried any toys during sex? Maybe a bullet vibrator used for clitoral stimulation? It's small enough to use during sex without getting in the way. Might help some...play around with a few things.

 

[toeskr]

9 years and he hasn't given you an orgasm?! Wow.
Couples therapy or it is time to move on. There are plenty of talented men out there and you are not getting any younger.

 

[suckonsimon]

A couple of hints here:

Alongside the advice about relaxing and enjoying what you have with each other, do keep in mind that a woman's sexual responses change over the years, and quite often in the direction of a greater ease in getting orgasmic.

One of the threads linked into my signature has some great posts by women about female orgasm and how much variety there is in women's experience of orgasm. There might be something helpful for you there.

And then just one practical suggestion: I usually make love wearing a ring around my cock-and-balls. Again, see a thread in my signature. While my wife regularly had orgasms during intercourse before we did this, there is no doubt that they come for her a lot sooner and with greater 'ease' since I started wearing a ring. For her, the enhancement of my girth and hardness has made a considerable difference to her whole experience of being fucked and of a build to orgasmic bliss developing. Another consequence of a man wearing one of these is that his own climax is likely to be delayed, though I reckon that varies from man to man.

 

[Green_Knight]

There can be two aspects to this. One is the physical possibility that your clit and other sensitive parts are not being suitably stimulated during sex. (I'm assuming you're female – you don't say.) The sad fact is that for many women – maybe even a majority – penetration is not enough to bring about an orgasm. They have to rely on other ways of reaching orgasm, which may not coincide with their partner's orgasm. The links in Simon's post might be useful.

The other possibility is that your partner is simply not turning you on, either because the things that turn you on aren't things that come naturally to him or maybe they do nothing for him at all. Maybe, for example, you want to be dominated but he simply isn't the dominating kind – and maybe that's what you really like about him outside the bedroom.

It happens, and probably a lot more commonly than we imagine. It is perfectly possible to love someone and enjoy being with them but that vital sexual spark simply isn't there. (I've known a few couples who love each other dearly and wouldn't want to split up, but they haven't had sex for years, never mind orgasming.) You say you've tried different things but it didn't quite work. Maybe you didn't feel his heart was in it. A lot of sexual satisfaction is in the mind and if the mind isn't convinced...

Have you experienced orgasms with other men?

Clearly, reading erotic literature stimulates both your mind and your body. When you read a story yourself, you paint a picture in your mind of the scene being described and use your imagination to fill in the gaps that the author might have left unfilled. In many instances, you can imagine yourself as one of the characters. Unfortunately, when someone else reads a story to you, these things just don't happen. It becomes, as you say, scripted and cheesy. You say you've tried reading a story but you feel uncomfortable staring at a screen. Do you have to read it word for word? Couldn't you try to remember the essence of it, the scenes that really made an impression on you, and stick with that? Could you try to imagine a fantasy situation in which you'd like to be and make up a story around that to tell him? Doing that in the dark or with you blindfolded, as sunandshadow suggested, may make that easier.

Without being too analytical about it, do you know what particular aspects of erotic stories arouse you when you read them by yourself? Can you adapt some of these arousing things to include in your lovemaking?

The one thing that does worry me is your use of the words 'maybe this ISN'T our relationship sizzling out but rather an issue with how I am as a person'. I don't think you should be looking at this as your fault in any way. That won't help you to find the answer.

 

[suckonsimon]

Yes and Yes to Green Knight's suggestions. And especially his last point. Please love yourself as you are, at the same time as hoping for greater freedom of sexual expression in your experience with this man you love. And meanwhile love his orgasms! celebrate them with him!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[sarabrowning]

Hi, this is my first time posting! I'm usually a quiet bystander here but I need some advice so I guess I'm here to get the opinions of others. So here goes:

I've been in a relationship for almost 9 years. When we first started going out, sex wasn't a big issue because we were so into each other and everything 'felt right'. But now I'm 9 years in and I'm starting to wonder if maybe this ISN'T our relationship sizzling out but rather a issue with how I am as a person. I mean, there are certainly memorable instances where we've had sex but I've never orgasmed throughout the entire 9 years because I just wasn't turned on by what was happening.

I used to think that he wasn't as controlling or dominating in bed and that was why I wasn't enjoying the sex, since I get turned on by reading dirty talk and verbal domination. We sat down and had numerous talks about how to "spice up" our love life and tried different things in accordance to that, including getting rough and dirty talk. But it didn't quite work...

When it comes down to it, the best way for my to get off is by reading erotic literature to myself. If he reads it out loud, it just doesn't felt right and makes me uncomfortable because it sounds too scripted and cheesy. If I read it while we're having sex, it also makes me feel uncomfortable because I'm just staring at a screen, completely detached from him.

I know I should feel comfortable with what my body likes, and I love my partner so much, but I don't want him feeling like he's not sexy or attractive to me. I enjoy having sex with him, but I just can't get to climax any other way than with myself.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? What should I do? Am I doomed?

Karikun,

Can you trigger satisfying orgasms masturbating? If so, have him watch you masturbate to an ORGASM. Is the inability to orgasm with him only during vaginal penetrative sex? Has he (likewise I am assuming you are a woman) ever given you oral sex or finger fucked you?

I love being penetrated and my vagina satiated, either with a cock or strap-on, but unless my clit is rubbed during penetration I cannot achieve an orgasm. Masturbating, using a vibrator or being given oral is quite effective in generating an orgasm, but I cannot have a penetrative vaginal orgasm without clitoral stimulation.

Have you ever been intimate with a woman? Again, I am making an assumption that your long term lover is male.

Best of luck.