Unmatched Libidos

[Hotcoffee123]

Sorry to hear this, rather heartbreaking

 

[Hotcoffee123]

It is nice not feeling like the only one.

 

[JodyLynn]

1-2 times a week? Quit bitching. Love my wife but down to 1-2 times a year if that due to her loss of sex drive.

I don’t understand wives who no longer want or desire sex with their companions. Maybe my sex drive is just high or maybe it’s because my husband refused me sex for years before he passed but a day never went by that I didn’t want that man. At least now he has let me go to find other source of please. Another person to explore all my desires.

 

[Illgiveitatry1]

I don’t understand wives who no longer want or desire sex with their companions. Maybe my sex drive is just high or maybe it’s because my husband refused me sex for years before he passed but a day never went by that I didn’t want that man. At least now he has let me go to find other source of please. Another person to explore all my desires.

I never understand it either My wife lost the desire to have sex I even offered her to go have sex with any guys you want as long as I know about it or watch but she hasn't taken me up on it.

 

[Rob_Royale]

A very familiar story, sadly.

 

[Michael_Keaton]

But many also often find themselves feeling a powerful surge in sexual attraction toward the cheating partner. ..It's like knowing others found him/ her attractive enough to have sex with them raises their own attraction toward them.

That's what happened to me. Long story short, I cheated, she found out, then she fucked me half silly for about 2 weeks. Now we're back to the same-old-same-old.

 

[LMWM321]

That's what happened to me. Long story short, I cheated, she found out, then she fucked me half silly for about 2 weeks. Now we're back to the same-old-same-old.

Well.. I wasn't trying to make the case for cheating, I was trying to underscore the importance of a person maintaining their appearance so others continue to find them attractive, even when they’re married. Not sure if that factors into you situation...

 

[write_or_wrong]

That's what happened to me. Long story short, I cheated, she found out, then she fucked me half silly for about 2 weeks. Now we're back to the same-old-same-old.

Should we call that female reclamation, on a grand scale? I don't think I have heard of that, and I wouldn't have thought most women would feel that way.

 

[Burstplayer]

Wife and I very mismatched, but not nearly as bad as the stories I've read on here and other places. While understanding there's many worse off, it still doesn't change your own feelings of frustration or lack of felt intimacy. I wish I could blame age, but it's been that way since the beginning and I've just chalked it up as her not having a very sexually active mind or body.

 

[SirSparky]

That's what happened to me. Long story short, I cheated, she found out, then she fucked me half silly for about 2 weeks. Now we're back to the same-old-same-old.

Same happened to me. After the initial shock and upset at me cheating we were then fucking all the time until we weren't

 

[LMWM321]

Should we call that female reclamation, on a grand scale? I don't think I have heard of that, and I wouldn't have thought most women would feel that way.

Well, I'm not sure that MOST people feel a surge of sexual attraction toward a cheating spouse, but I do know (or so I've read) that it can be one of the many emotions people feel when they find they've been cheated on.

That said, I do not suggest cheating as a way to resurrect a partners sexual interest. By doing so, one would be trading a possible transient surge in sexual interest for a lifetime of hurt and insecurity.

 

[Britva415]

haven't read the rest of the responses to the OP so forgive if this has been said before - but does the phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" apply?

Maybe sometimes, but not when there’s really a severe mismatch. It isn’t always about over-familiarity. Someone who is interested in sex but not with their partner is going to be just as frustrated as the partner, and looking for it elsewhere.

Disinterest in sex is just something some people have. They aren’t interested in their partner, and they aren’t interested in getting it anywhere else either. They aren’t looking for novelty and novelty won’t do anything to make them interested. It would probably just make them annoyed that their partner is transparently trying too hard.

Sexual incompatibility is real, and for some people there is no way to fix it such that both can be happy about it.

Why not make suggestions about the looks and admiration you get from other women - just to re-ignite her interest - her fear of losing you - she's too sure of you - you need to be a bit less predictable, maybe?

This is a horrible idea. It’s punitive. It’s manipulative mind games. It’s patently disrespectful and insulting. And it wouldn’t even be any fun to have sex anyway with someone who isn’t doing it because they feel passion and desire, someone who can only do it when they fear an existential threat to the relationship.

Assuming the couple is in fact sexually compatible at all, a much, much better idea would be to do things which restore and reinforce the loving connection they’re supposed to be having together. Not to inject fear, uncertainty and doubt into the situation, fgs. Taking some stresses away, supporting the partner so that sex seems easy and not like a distraction from all the other responsibilities and obligations which press upon them all the time.

 

[Dearelliot]

Same here, I suppose worse...After 65 she slowed to almost stop, by 80 quit altogether. She is the most wonderful person, so nice, the best...

 

[write_or_wrong]

Maybe sometimes, but not when there’s really a severe mismatch. It isn’t always about over-familiarity. Someone who is interested in sex but not with their partner is going to be just as frustrated as the partner, and looking for it elsewhere.

Disinterest in sex is just something some people have. They aren’t interested in their partner, and they aren’t interested in getting it anywhere else either. They aren’t looking for novelty and novelty won’t do anything to make them interested. It would probably just make them annoyed that their partner is transparently trying too hard.

Sexual incompatibility is real, and for some people there is no way to fix it such that both can be happy about it.


This is a horrible idea. It’s punitive. It’s manipulative mind games. It’s patently disrespectful and insulting. And it wouldn’t even be any fun to have sex anyway with someone who isn’t doing it because they feel passion and desire, someone who can only do it when they fear an existential threat to the relationship.

Assuming the couple is in fact sexually compatible at all, a much, much better idea would be to do things which restore and reinforce the loving connection they’re supposed to be having together. Not to inject fear, uncertainty and doubt into the situation, fgs. Taking some stresses away, supporting the partner so that sex seems easy and not like a distraction from all the other responsibilities and obligations which press upon them all the time.

Really great stuff here - thank you.

 

[Imperfect_Guy]

1-2 times a week? Quit bitching. Love my wife but down to 1-2 times a year if that due to her loss of sex drive.

I can identify with that!

 

[curiouschattycouple]

We are are on a roller coaster; the weeks before and after her period are every other day or more, but nothing during, and maybe twice in the inbetween weeks. Not complaining, it just is. Foreplay starts for me every morning and thought every day - make her coffee, leave a note, send her a text, compliment her (not just her appearance, but her intellect too 'that's a great idea', etc), make or cleanup from supper, listen to her vent about work, grab her butt, kiss her neck, etc. It is never guaranteed, but it improves the odds of her initiating it, and if she doesn't, it improves the odds of her getting into the mood if I initiate it. She admits sometimes it takes alot to get her excited, and she wishes she could be more spontaneous. Recently we saw a Facebook ad for these aphrodisiac chocolates and are thinking about trying them, even though I am skeptical, there is likely a placebo effect that when she takes a piece she is now thinking ahead to possible sexy time and that helps her get other thoughts out of her mind.

 

[Rugmunch69]

After we first married, I was having sex every day for years. When I drove a car on a long trip, she would give me a blow job while I was driving. Now she has little to no interest in having sex at all. She will let me eat her pussy if I ask, but she never volunteers. What turns me on is to make my wife feel good, but when you have a disinterested partner it just isn't the same. I stay horny all the time with no way to find any relief. I love my wife and I don't want to cheat on her, but I can see why they used to have multiple wives and/or concubines in the old days.

 

[LMWM321]

One question people in sexless marriages should be asking themselves is if their partner has zero interest in sex with anyone, or just them?

I don't say this to be cruel. I say it because it may help to distinguish between a problem with the relationship or whether your partner has a condition known as Hyposexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), which may be treatable.

If your wife still has sexual thoughts but never for you, well.... It's a relationship problem and it's time for couples counseling. But if she has little to no interest in sex whatsoever - ie., never masturbates, rarely has sexual thoughts or fantasies, etc.. - then she may have HSDD and should discuss it with her Doctor. ..And if her doctor doesn't see HSDD as being a big enough problem to treat, well, she should find a doctor who does.

If a wife's disinterest in sex coincided with Menopause, then her HSDD might be easily improved with testosterone supplementation. Testosterone (yes, women have it, too) levels drop dramatically with the onset of menopause. Consequently, in many countries (though not the US) it's a standard practice to prescribe testosterone cream for women just as soon as they hit menopause as a way to help them maintain their libido. If monitored carefully, it's very safe AND it MAY (ie., the evidence is suggestive but not conclusive) also positively impact a woman's energy level, cognitive functioning and help to mitigate osteoporosis and heart disease. All of which suggests its relevance to our health goes way beyond just sexual functioning.

 

[DynamicFigure]

Fellow readers, I’ve lurked on these forums for over 20 years. I’ve been content to keep things to myself all those years, but now I’ve got something I need to get off my chest.

I’ve been married to an amazing woman for 21 years, and we have 7 kids together. Over the years I’ve seen our sex lives change, evolve, ebb and flow. When we first got married we were 1-2 times per day people, up until the birth of our first child. Things slowed down a bit for a while, but picked right back up again after about 6 months.

After several of the kids, we went for long stretches where I felt unwanted, and sex became maybe once a month.
Therapy helped us through that, and I understand now that it’s a pretty common story when the kids are little.

Now 21 years later, things have taken a turn for the strange. These days, we still have sex 2-3 times per week, but I always have to initiate. Once things get going she’s into it, and has told me so. But she has no drive or desire for sex unless I’m starting the foreplay. If left to her own devices, I honestly think we’d only do it maybe once a month.

I also do all the work during sex. It’s my fingers, my tongue, etc. She prefers to relax and let me do whatever, sometimes even reading a book while I play to the point of getting her off. Once she cums, she actually wants PIV sex, but it’s still me on top taking the active role. She may cum again, she may not. But at that point once I’m done, we’re done. Usually we go directly to sleep.

I think the last time I got a handy was probably two years ago, and the last blowjob was 6 years ago. There’s nothing spontaneous or exciting about our sex life.
I still desire her and have no intention of looking elsewhere, and have made the best of things. I’ve even come to realize I’ve got a bit of a kink for being ignored. Pleasing her while she’s reading a book or playing a game on her phone until she cums is something I enjoy… but I don’t want it to be that way all the time. I want to be desired, lusted after. I want her to jump me spontaneously like she used to years ago. I keep looking for that “I want you NOW” look in her eyes, and I just don’t see it. I miss it.

I’m not sure if I want advice or support, but I just wanted to put it all out there in case someone else is in a similar spot.
She and I have good communication, and we’ve discussed this, but neither of us has any thoughts on how to make things different. We’re older, we’ve changed, and maybe that’s just life now. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. She’s my best friend in the entire world and the only woman I love. And if things never change, I’ll be content. But a guy can dream, right?

A dying libido may be the product of aging, and more specifically diminishing hormone production. I know folks that have gotten back their sex drives after doing this therapy.

https://www.sottopelletherapy.com/blog/the-truth-about-bhrt/

 

[DynamicFigure]

A dying libido may be the product of aging, and more specifically diminishing hormone production. I know folks that have gotten back their sex drives after doing this therapy.

https://www.sottopelletherapy.com/blog/the-truth-about-bhrt/

 

[DPQueen]

Have you both talked about her fantasies (if she has ever had any), have you guys tried any role play in the bedroom or added sex aids/toys into the mix?

Does she spend much time outside of the house in mixed company where she can be admired? yes a partner’s admiration is extra important - however casual tame flirting is good for everyone’s libido but can particularly light a biological fire in a woman (even if she has zero interest).