Upcoming series - "Hot Stuff"

[Pupski]

Here is a teaser from the upcoming series "Hot Stuff" still in the works:

With her attention back to her main area of interest she now has her face just inches in front of the boy’s pelvic region she is closely examining the bulge in his jeans. 'And right in there is his penis… she thinks to herself. She moves forward until her nose and lips are just touching his pants covering his sex; 'there is a noticeable heat emanating from this area of his body.' She is getting aroused then without hesitation she slightly pushes her face into his bulge, 'there is a slight scent in his “area” here. It’s hard to describe, but it smells sexy and is really turning me on…'

Quite aroused now, she backs away a bit and reaches for the waist line of his pants and tugs down. “Let’s take these off now”. Undoing the snap and zipper, his pants fall to the floor; he has white cotton underwear on. She can see with more detail the shape of his penis inside his underpants; this builds her excitement higher. She reaches up and gives the bulge a gentle squeeze. “This feels so nice” she tells him; then she reaches up to pull the elastic band of his underwear down just a bit to reveal his pubic hair. Like all the parts of his body she is seeing for the first time today, she closely examines the boy’s pubic hair and tells him how nice it looks. She leans forward and nuzzles her nose around in his dark brown curly patch. “It’s so soft and fluffy, I love it.”

 

[Bramblethorn]

You may want to check up on the rules for punctuating speech, otherwise your story's at risk of being rejected by the moderator.

Also, please note that if the "boy" in your excerpt is under 18, the story doesn't belong on Literotica.

 

[Handley_Page]

You may want to check up on the rules for punctuating speech, otherwise your story's at risk of being rejected by the moderator.

Also, please note that if the "boy" in your excerpt is under 18, the story doesn't belong on Literotica.

~~ Amen ~~

 

[Pupski]

The punctuation looks off because it would not let me post italics for her thoughts in the first paragraph. Please bare with me, I am totally new at this and am currently awaiting a reply from a volunteer editor to work with, so hopefully all will be well before I official start to release this story. And Yes, both the boy and girl in my story are over 18, I should have made that clear when I originally posted but did not, my bad there

 

[Hypoxia]

Beyond that, it's in present tense with pronouns only, which is hard to hang my head around. Present tense tends to signal a character has no future from which to tell the story. "She does this; he does that; an asteroid squishes them; the end." And lack of identification makes them anonymous, disposable. If we don't know who either are, why should we care about them?

Do stories you like on LIT read like what you've written?

 

[sr71plt]

Yes, both the boy and girl in my story are over 18, I should have made that clear when I originally posted but did not, my bad there

If they are over 18, you shouldn't be calling them a boy and girl. You might want to change that in your story.

 

[Pupski]

I see what you mean... good things to think about, I appreciate your thoughts. This is really my first try at this.

I do like third person better than 1st for this story, how could I improve the tense?

The stories here at LIT are very well written, I hope to hone my skills enough to hopefully someday post a good story to add to this collection

 

[NotWise]

I'll ditto comments above, particularly Bramblethorn's. The lack of italics isn't a problem. Improper punctuation is a problem and Laurel is known to reject stories when the dialog isn't correctly punctuated. Good luck finding an editor.

 

[Pupski]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I think I have a lot of work to do and rethink this story

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

Here is a teaser from the upcoming series "Hot Stuff" still in the works:

With her attention back to her main area of interest she now has her face just inches in front of the boy’s pelvic region she is closely examining the bulge in his jeans. 'And right in there is his penis… she thinks to herself. She moves forward until her nose and lips are just touching his pants covering his sex; 'there is a noticeable heat emanating from this area of his body.' She is getting aroused then without hesitation she slightly pushes her face into his bulge, 'there is a slight scent in his “area” here. It’s hard to describe, but it smells sexy and is really turning me on…'

I hate when people say sex for sex organs. Just a little pet peeve of mine.

 

[sr71plt]

I hate when people say sex for sex organs. Just a little pet peeve of mine.

Doesn't bother me. It's less clinical. So, a pet peeve for some maybe, but not for others--no more reason to avoid than not to.

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

Doesn't bother me. It's less clinical. So, a pet peeve for some maybe, but not for others--no more reason to avoid than not to.

True.
I guess I'm crude. I like cock. Dick. But dammit there is no good word for a woman's crotch. I don't like pussy. Cunt most people hate, but I secretly like it. I hate mound, slit, there's just no good word to us!

 

[sr71plt]

My point about such "I don't like" posts is that they are highly specific to the poster, not any sort of universal "don't do" admonition, although they often are taken that way by novice writers, and they are a start at stripping away the author's own voice in her/his stories.

 

[CoffeeWithMonkeys]

My point about such "I don't like" posts is that they are highly specific to the poster, not any sort of universal "don't do" admonition, although they often are taken that way by novice writers, and they are a start at stripping away the author's own voice in her/his stories.

Good point, and point taken

I am very thin skinned and take everything so personal, so I can see how it could be taken in the wrong way.

 

[GoldenMaia]

Pelvic region

Not so sexy. Then again I do not like erotica to read like a health exame.

 

[Hard_Rom]

Proper punctuation is huge. I had to really work at mine to get my first story posted. Niggling little things too. Chances are the technical details of writing will get a story rejected.

Pick a novel or writer you like and keep the book open beside you as a manual on how to do proper punctuation. That's what I did.

The RP and SRP threads are great ways to practice. No chance of rejection and you get lots of practice writing good paragraphs and sentences. You will see your skills improve with time. Especially so if you have a good co-writer. Even so if they are not so good. You can see other's mistakes much easier than your own.

 

[oggbashan]

I have edited your extract to more standard Literotica formatting and changed "boy" to "man".

You can use Italics in posts and, although it is more complicated, in story posts too. In the preview pane add <i> and </i> around all text you want in italics.

Your extract edited:

With her attention back to her main area of interest she now has her face just inches in front of the man’s pelvic region she is closely examining the bulge in his jeans.

And right in there is his penis… she thinks to herself. She moves forward until her nose and lips are just touching his pants covering his sex; there is a noticeable heat emanating from this area of his body. She is getting aroused then without hesitation she slightly pushes her face into his bulge, there is a slight scent in his area here. It’s hard to describe, but it smells sexy and is really turning me on…

Quite aroused now, she backs away a bit and reaches for the waist line of his pants and tugs down.

“Let’s take these off now.”

Undoing the snap and zipper, his pants fall to the floor; he has white cotton underwear on. She can see with more detail the shape of his penis inside his underpants; this builds her excitement higher. She reaches up and gives the bulge a gentle squeeze.

“This feels so nice,” she tells him.

Then she reaches up to pull the elastic band of his underwear down just a bit to reveal his pubic hair. Like all the parts of his body she is seeing for the first time today, she closely examines the man’s pubic hair and tells him how nice it looks. She leans forward and nuzzles her nose around in his dark brown curly patch.

“It’s so soft and fluffy, I love it.”

End of extract.

 

[jomar]

You went from third to first person at the end of both paragraphs. I think you're moving to what she's thinking internally, but it's not clear and will confuse the reader.

 

[Pupski]

The edited rewrite looks much much better.

The third person to first person is her thoughts.

I really am terrible at punctuation, English class was never my strong subject. LOL

Hypoxia brought up a good point too. I re-read my story and it really is a lot of "now she does this; now he says says that; now they do this; now they do that; etc." I think I should probably scrap the whole thing and just start over taking all of your ideas into consideration