Quite new to BDSM. My girlfriend is a sub, struggling to be a good dom!

[newkinkyguy]

Hi folks,
I'm new to this site so I'll start by saying hello to the world of kink.

I'm also after advice. I'm kind of new to the world of kink.
Yes, I have dabbled a bit with bondage, blindfolds, online daddy/dom play. I've had a couple of dom/sub relationships online. Now I find myself in a real life relationship where my girlfriend considered herself a submissive.

The more I get to know her, the more I find out how deep she was into it.she's gone as far as living the lifestyle pretty much all the time when at home or when with her ex.

We have hit it off really well & think the world of each other. The relationship is great.

She was hurt badly by the ex, as bad as it gets. I won't go into details but let's just say that she is scared of being hurt again, big time!

I have played with calling her names, tying her up, spanked her & flogged her.

The thing is, I think she wants rougher, she likes to be pushed hard sometimes, both physically with pain & psychologically. The thing is, she will freely admit that she doesn't even know what she wants herself half of the time.

I think she'd like bruises etc on occasion, dragged around etc, but there is a problem.

She often tells me to be carefully because what I'm doing hurts! Sometimes I try to push her into doing something she doesn't like & she says she doesn't like it & doesn't want to do it.
Like an idiot perhaps, I listen & feel uncomfortable about pushing further.

Afterwards I think to myself that I should have pushed on with whatever I was doing regardless, afterall isn't that the whole point? Pushing her into doing something she doesn't like? Her saying she doesn't like it is to be expected perhaps?

She's been pushed by her ex into doing stuff that I find a bit shocking & she says that she didn't enjoy it, yet she didn't use her safeword, so maybe she did enjoy it on some level, like she achieved something by enduring the punishment that was thrown at her, she didn't disappoint & felt a surge of pride.

There is this stubborn part of her that doesn't want to use the safeword, she says that she doesn't want to disappoint yet says that the object isn't to make her use her safeword & I know how serious she takes all this stuff, almost like a religious thing, so makes me reluctant to push on.

I'm just wondering what advice anyone could offer? Hell, I really could do with some good advice .

She does seem to be satisfied in every other way & we do have a great sex life, well I think so, think she does too, lol!

It would be nice to satisfy that need in her to be dominated though, I want her to be satisfied in every way.

I guess it's testament to how much I think of her. She is very good to me too, so thoughtful.

Anyway, apologies for the rambling message, just wanted to give as much detail as possible.

Thanks
J

P.s., I should add that I do find the thought of dominating her a real turn on & so there's obviously a dom in me, it's just cutting through what she says & giving her what she wants.

It's trickier dominating someone when you want the relationship to work, you don't want to fk it up ;-).
If I didn't give a sh!t, it might be easy as I wouldn't be as bothered about losing her.

That's not to say I would abuse someone who didn't want it, I would still be cautious.

I wonder if someone has a copy of a pre-scene questionnaire that I could plagiarise? That might be a good start

 

[SpunThings]

Hi folks,
I'm new to this site so I'll start by saying hello to the world of kink.

I'm also after advice. I'm kind of new to the world of kink.
Yes, I have dabbled a bit with bondage, blindfolds, online daddy/dom play. I've had a couple of dom/sub relationships online. Now I find myself in a real life relationship where my girlfriend considered herself a submissive.

The more I get to know her, the more I find out how deep she was into it.she's gone as far as living the lifestyle pretty much all the time when at home or when with her ex.

We have hit it off really well & think the world of each other. The relationship is great.

She was hurt badly by the ex, as bad as it gets. I won't go into details but let's just say that she is scared of being hurt big time!

I have played with calling her names, tying her up, spanked her & flogged her.

The thing is, I think she wants rougher, she likes to be pushed hard sometimes, both physically with pain & psychologically.

I think she'd like bruises etc, dragged around etc, but there is a problem.

She often tells me to be carefully because what I'm doing hurts! Sometimes I try to push her into doing something she doesn't like & she says she doesn't like it & doesn't want to do it.
Like an idiot perhaps, I listen & feel uncomfortable about pushing further.

Afterwards I think to myself that I should have pushed on with whatever I was doing regardless, afterall isn't that the whole point? Pushing her into doing something she doesn't like? Her saying she doesn't like it is to be expected perhaps?

She's been pushed by her ex into doing stuff that I find a bit shocking & she says that she didn't enjoy it, yet she didn't use her safeword, so maybe she did on some level, like she achieved something by enduring the punishment that was thrown at her

There is this stubborn part of her that doesn't want to use the safeword, she says that she doesn't want to disappoint yet says that the object isn't to make her use her safeword & I know how serious she takes all this stuff, almost like a religious thing, so makes me reluctant to push on.

I'm just wondering what advice anyone could offer? Hell, I really could do with some good advice .

She does seem to be satisfied in every other way & we do have a great sex life, well I think so, think she does too, lol!

It would be nice to satisfy that need in her to be dominated though, I want her to be satisfied in every way.

I guess it's testament to how much I think of her. She is very good to me too, so thoughtful.

Anyway, apologies for the rambling message, just wanted to give as much detail as possible.

Thanks
J

P.s., I should add that I do find the thought of dominating her a real turn on & so there's obviously a dom in me, it's just cutting through what she says & giving her what she wants.

It's trickier dominating someone when you want the relationship to work, you don't want to fk it up ;-).
If I didn't give a sh!t, it might be easy as I wouldn't be as bothered about losing her.

That's not to say I would abuse someone who didn't want it, I would still be cautious.

Now is when you need to have a sit down and talk. Get some coffee and a snack or whatever, and have a real long talk. You say you think you know what she wants, but you don't really know what she wants until she has very clearly told you with her words. Nothing in your writing indicates to me that she wants more. Maybe there's more you haven't told us, but what you HAVE told us is that she seems to be satisfied, and that she's very upset about things her past partner did.

One of tge most important things about what we do is informed consent. That means you both need to talk about what you will do, and both people need to be on board first. She can't be informed if you don't tell her beforehand.

I'm a little concerned that insecurity about how you measure up to her past partners has you telling yourself that she wants more. Without her specifically telling you, you should not be making assumptions about what she wants. Ask her if she's satisfied, and if she has been wanting for anything. Also remember you get to have limits too. You don't have to mold yourself into something you're not. You get to be who you feel most comfortable as a dom.

 

[Blue]

_____

 

[CutieMouse]

There will be snippage...

The thing is, I think she wants rougher, she likes to be pushed hard sometimes, both physically with pain & psychologically.

I think she'd like bruises etc, dragged around etc, but there is a problem.

"I think..." makes me question how much y'all have really communicated about all this stuff. Clothes on, over coffee (or beer & pizza) COMMUNICATED. It sounds like you may be talking, but not necessarily communicating.

She often tells me to be carefully because what I'm doing hurts! Sometimes I try to push her into doing something she doesn't like & she says she doesn't like it & doesn't want to do it.

It's quite easy for something to go from "yummyyummyowww" to "Fuck stop it that hurts!" - especially as people are figuring each other out. It's also a really good reason to talk. A lot. Does she mean it when she says she doesn't want to do X, or is it more of a "no no, don't throw me in that briar patch Mr. Fox!" thing?

Some people play the "resistance" game; some don't. If she's playing at "resistance" and you're not, there will be issues. If she's serious about the "Nope; not going there" and you think she's playing at resistance, there will be issues.

Like an idiot perhaps, I listen & feel uncomfortable about pushing further.

Afterwards I think to myself that I should have pushed on with whatever I was doing regardless, after all isn't that the whole point? Pushing her into doing something she doesn't like? Her saying she doesn't like it is to be expected perhaps?

Men who look at D/s as their opportunity to "push me" or "help me move bast my boundaries" or whatever asshat mumbo-jumbo phrase is popular these days, get kicked out of my bed.

The "I'm the dominant! It's my job to push her boundaries!" is a pretty common meme in BDSM-land, but not everyone looks at it that way.

I want a COMPATIBLE partner. Every so often, he might go "Hey, I'd like to try X... trust me?" and if it's not a set in concrete hard limit, I'll probably give it a go. And sometimes I'll discover X is really kick ass and it'll get added to the dynamic.

I do not NEED someone to question what I am, and am not, into just because I ID on the submissive side of the equation. I kinda know myself pretty damn well at this point. If I say X is off the table... it's off the table. And there is no way in fucking hell some dude who hasn't lived my life, been in my body (metaphysically), or survived my experience has a right to question, push, or force me to do jack shit.

No. That is not the point.

I trust my therapists to do that shit; not my lovers.

She's been pushed by her ex into doing stuff that I find a bit shocking & she says that she didn't enjoy it, yet she didn't use her safeword, so maybe she did on some level, like she achieved something by enduring the punishment that was thrown at her

OR... maybe she hit survival mode. Maybe she froze. Maybe she thought she'd enjoy it, but realized in the moment (or after) that fantasy is better than reality.

I have been in situations before where XYZ was happening, and I was okay right up until the second that I wasn't. And in the moment, I could not for the life of me remember what a safeword was. My brain was so caught up in "Is this red worthy? Something's wrong... but he's really enjoying this... I can take a little more, probably... something's wrong something's wrong somethings wrong there's a word, what the fuck is the word?!?"

I could remember stop. I could remember no. I could not remember red. Which is why I refuse to use "safewords" Because of my background, my history, my triggers, I refuse to use them.

There is this stubborn part of her that doesn't want to use the safeword, she says that she doesn't want to disappoint yet says that the object isn't to make her use her safeword & I know how serious she takes all this stuff, almost like a religious thing, so makes me reluctant to push on.

Personally, I would stop engaging in D/s that even comes close to needing a safeword, until she owns that shit. If she is incapable of saying no (red) out of stubbornness or pride or whatever, where is the value in her yes? How can you trust her to respect her own physical and mental limits if you can't trust her to communicate that to you?

You have to be able to trust her to communicate, otherwise you could inadvertently cause serious damage - physical or mental. It sounds like in her last relationship, she didn't speak up when something was not working... how'd that work out for her? Happy relationship? Fulfilling? Emotionally and physically healthy?

It would be nice to satisfy that need in her to be dominated though, I want her to be satisfied in every way.

Has she told you her need to be dominated isn't being met, or are you just worrying because you have an idea of what this stuff is "supposed to look like", and real life isn't matching up?

It's trickier dominating someone when you want the relationship to work, you don't want to fk it up ;-).
If I didn't give a sh!t, it might be easy as I wouldn't be as bothered about losing her.

I'd argue that makes it easier...

 

[newkinkyguy]

Hi folks & wow, thanks for your responses. You all make good points.

I am still figuring her out to be honest. She tells me that a good dom would know when to stop. I'm new to all this & she seems to not want to talk about where the limit is, it's probably a turn off.

She does like to be pushed beyond her comfort zone, she has said as much, but when you've got someone who doesn't want to use their safeword out of pride & not wanting to disappoint, it's tough to gauge when enough is enough.

She has, after a scene, when she's said that she doesn't like something, said that she could have gone further. PerhaPs she's said that just to please me. From what I can tell, she does like to be pushed beyond what she's comfortable with, she enjoys that feeling of being admonished & being dominated, but we definitely need to talk about it. I don't want to damage the relationship due to this, something that should be fun if done right.

She has been & still is, to some extent, an adrenaline junky. She got into the last relationship & he went over the top. It turned into an abusive relationship & she didn't want to leave, love is blind & all that!

She does fantasise about being kidnapped etc, thrown in a car, knocked about a bit, tied up etc & given a rough ride, sexually used & abused, but only by someone she trusts!It is a bit scary but exciting.

We definitely need to talk & maybe I need to force her to sit down & talk even if it turns her off & no doubt it will!

By the way, the fact that she has so far been a bit cagy on what she likes, where the boundaries are, saying a good dom knows what to do & when to stop, didn't make me feel great to be honest because I know I'm new & relatively inexperienced. I am probably reading it in a negative way, but there you go.

Thanks

 

[newkinkyguy]

There will be snippage...


Has she told you her need to be dominated isn't being met, or are you just worrying because you have an idea of what this stuff is "supposed to look like", and real life isn't matching up?



I'd argue that makes it easier...

I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by that, could you elaborate?

Thanks,
J

 

[CutieMouse]

Hi folks & wow, thanks for your responses. You all make good points.

I am still figuring her out to be honest. She tells me that a good dom would know when to stop. I'm new to all this & she seems to not want to talk about where the limit is, it's probably a turn off.

"A good dom knows when to stop", except the title of dominant doesn't automatically bestow magic mind-reading powers upon you. One could just as easily say "A good submissive knows how to communicate her limits and boundaries." So has she? Or are you just supposed to know when enough is enough, even though she's been known to not communicate when she's reached a limit or boundary?

She does like to be pushed beyond her comfort zone, she has said as much, but when you've got someone who doesn't want to use their safeword out of pride & not wanting to disappoint, it's tough to gauge when enough is enough.

Good. She knows that she likes to be pushed past her comfort zone (I do, too); HOWEVER, IMO this puts even more of the responsibility on her shoulders. If she can't effectively communicate (green, yellow, red) what's going on, how are you supposed to gauge when you've hit the sweet spot [of pushing without violating]?

By not communicating, she is jeopardizing you, and the relationship.

She has, after a scene, when she's said that she doesn't like something, said that she could have gone further.

You need clarity, then. It sounds like a safeword/traffic light system would be helpful (that way she can say she doesn't like X, but you can ask her if that means green, yellow or red and she has a way of communicating while still protesting)... but you have to be able to trust she'll actually use the safeword system, and it sounds like you can't.

Perhaps she's said that just to please me. From what I can tell, she does like to be pushed beyond what she's comfortable with, she enjoys that feeling of being admonished & being dominated, but we definitely need to talk about it. I don't want to damage the relationship due to this, something that should be fun if done right.

Good plan. But she has to step up and follow the "rules" - which means using some sort of signal (word, action) to communicate. Expecting you to just know when you're pushed far enough but not too far, is both unrealistic and disrespectful of you/.

She has been & still is, to some extent, an adrenaline junky. She got into the last relationship & he went over the top. It turned into an abusive relationship & she didn't want to leave, love is blind & all that!

There's nothing wrong with being an adrenaline junky. There's nothing wrong with getting hooked on the endorphin kick one gets from rough sex and/or BDSM. It is unethical to expect the dominant party to be a mind reader (and increases the odds of ending up in an unhealthy/abusive relationship).

She does fantasise about being kidnapped etc, thrown in a car, knocked about a bit, tied up etc & given a rough ride, sexually used & abused, but only by someone she trusts!It is a bit scary but exciting.

All very common fantasies, and things that can be pulled off (with the right person and planning). But the risk to the person doing the "kidnapping/etc" is greater than the risk of the "victim". Which is why most people only do that sort of edge play in established relationships with people who can be trusted to communicate/practice their kink ethically.

We definitely need to talk & maybe I need to force her to sit down & talk even if it turns her off & no doubt it will!

Wanna be dominant? "I order you to discuss this with me, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I also order complete transparency and honesty both during our conversation, and after."

By the way, the fact that she has so far been a bit cagy on what she likes, where the boundaries are, saying a good dom knows what to do & when to stop, didn't make me feel great to be honest because I know I'm new & relatively inexperienced. I am probably reading it in a negative way, but there you go.

A lot of people (women, especially) get into D/s based off romance novels and erotica. In fiction, the dominant always knows exactly what to do, where to push, when to back off, how to make it work... because it's FICTION. It might be interesting to ask her where she got the idea that a good dominant magically "knows what to do & when to stop".

I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean by that, could you elaborate?

Has she expressed disappointment in how y'all are engaging? Has she told you XYZ isn't how dominants do things? Have she criticized how you dominate?

It's pretty common for people to have this vision in their heads of how this D/s stuff looks - day to day life, the sex, everything. And then worry that they aren't "doing it right" or something, because the real life day to day + sex life reality isn't what they thought it would be.

Are you comparing yourself to her (or your) idea of what D/s looks like, and worrying you aren't "doing it right", or are y'all pretty much happy and content (with a few common things that need tweaking)?

I also feel that being in a loving D/s relationship makes things easier, because you care about each other. There's a different level of investment in a committed relationship, than causal pick-up play. (Not that causal pick-up play disregards either parties safety and well being.)

 

[newkinkyguy]

Hi CutieMouse,
Thanks for your replies, it really good to talk to people about this because it's not something you talk to your family & friends about.

I think that her expectations of me were unreasonable in retrospect. She would say that if she was to say that she did or didn't like something then that would be 'topping from the bottom'.

I wonder if she expected me to take off from where the last guy left! I did have fears with her initially & seriously wondered if I was doing the right thing going out with her at all as I could see it damaging my self esteem, or see her getting bored etc.

Maybe someone she spoke with through some medium talked some sense into her because she's a little better, but not massively.

Anyway, we have got closer & I can see that she is slowly coming around although I still find her enigmatic, doesn't want to divulge information for perhaps the fear of making it 'not real'. She definitely isn't good at talking about affairs of the heart, she shows that she cares by actions rather than words ;-).

Anyway, I will put my foot down & tell her we need some sort of checking method, maybe the traffic light system for example, at least for a good while until I know how her mind works more intimately.

There are other things that I can't talk about publicly, I feel it's not fair to do that even though my posts are effectively anonymous.

I might drop you a pm if you don't mind.

Thanks

P.s., excuse the spelling mistakes, I'm writing this on the mobile!

 

[newkinkyguy]

Maybe it seems like I am a bit free with talking about a relationship, but no-one knows either of us & nobody ever will.

I needed to get this off my chest!

Obviously she would have a different take on everything I have discussed here. I have no doubt that she discusses our situation with kinky friends too & that's as it should be. Just wish she'd talk to me more, lol .

 

[Blue]

http://media.oglaf.com/comic/submission.jpg

 

[newkinkyguy]

It sounds a lot like she's got some kind of idea about 'proper etiquette' or 'how it's supposed to be done' in her head. Or at the very least some unreasonably fantastical expectations for her partners (you).

You've hit the nail on the head there! She's had d/s relationships for most of her dating lifetime, infact, all of it until me!

Also, she did seem to take the etiquette seriously. It's almost like it's a religious thing.

Not easy for a layman who is just starting out. To be fair, she does seem to be getting a bit more reasonable. It was tough in the beginning. I even went as far as reading a book she recommended. I was quite shocked to be honest. It was quite violent some of it & the doms in that book were seasoned & probably not realistic, modified stories for good reading. Reading that didn't do me any favours.

All things considered, it is surprising we made it this far, things are getting better and better though! Still, this d/s thing doesn't sit comfortably because of the lack of feedback.

That will have to change!

 

[newkinkyguy]

Bloody hell mate, that cartoon made me laugh out loud

I might use that as the basis for her next punishment session, lol ;-)

To be fair though, I don't think it's a laziness thing because she isn't lazy, it's that silly etiquette thing. She has taken the whole d/s business so seriously & for me, that has made it seem a serious thing, rather than fun!

Also, I have to drag stuff out of her, so that's hard work.

She has said that it is supposed to be fun, yet talked about etiquette & good doms etc. I got angry with her once & said it was a load of rubbish. It was getting silly. That seemed to improve things, lol.

When all said and done, we are close, we hug & cuddle all the time, hold hands. We do have a warm relationship & perhaps that's something she hasn't had before. I'm hoping that she's experiencing something a bit more meaningful with a bit of d/s thrown in .

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[newkinkyguy]

Thanks everyone, I do feel much better after chatting to you folks. It's like a weight has been lifted & have a better idea where to take it.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

Bloody hell mate, that cartoon made me laugh out loud

I might use that as the basis for her next punishment session, lol ;-)

To be fair though, I don't think it's a laziness thing because she isn't lazy, it's that silly etiquette thing. She has taken the whole d/s business so seriously & for me, that has made it seem a serious thing, rather than fun!

Also, I have to drag stuff out of her, so that's hard work.

She has said that it is supposed to be fun, yet talked about etiquette & good doms etc. I got angry with her once & said it was a load of rubbish. It was getting silly. That seemed to improve things, lol.

When all said and done, we are close, we hug & cuddle all the time, hold hands. We do have a warm relationship & perhaps that's something she hasn't had before. I'm hoping that she's experiencing something a bit more meaningful with a bit of d/s thrown in .

There is no good dom really. There is only compatible and incompatible. Some doms love etiquette and protocol, and some hate it, and some could take or leave it. Which of those three groups is the good dom? Some subs love etiquette and protocol, some don't (Hi!), and some are more flexible. Which is the good sub? All might be good or bad partners for eachother.

You know who you are. You are the expert on what kind of relationship will make you happy. You two have to work together to find something that works for the two of you. If enough things are in contention, it could just be you're not a good fit for eachother. There is no one way people do this, despite what she may be telling you.

 

[SpunThings]

I think you need this thread: What's your relationship?

 

[CutieMouse]

It was tough in the beginning. I even went as far as reading a book she recommended. I was quite shocked to be honest. It was quite violent some of it & the doms in that book were seasoned & probably not realistic, modified stories for good reading. Reading that didn't do me any favours.

All things considered, it is surprising we made it this far, things are getting better and better though! Still, this d/s thing doesn't sit comfortably because of the lack of feedback.

That will have to change!

Curious question... this book... was it fiction, or was it something like The Loving Dominant or Screw the Roses or SM 101?

 

[babslovesherdaddy]

Hi folks,
I'm new to this site so I'll start by saying hello to the world of kink.

I'm also after advice. I'm kind of new to the world of kink.
Yes, I have dabbled a bit with bondage, blindfolds, online daddy/dom play. I've had a couple of dom/sub relationships online. Now I find myself in a real life relationship where my girlfriend considered herself a submissive.

The more I get to know her, the more I find out how deep she was into it.she's gone as far as living the lifestyle pretty much all the time when at home or when with her ex.

We have hit it off really well & think the world of each other. The relationship is great.

She was hurt badly by the ex, as bad as it gets. I won't go into details but let's just say that she is scared of being hurt again, big time!

I have played with calling her names, tying her up, spanked her & flogged her.

The thing is, I think she wants rougher, she likes to be pushed hard sometimes, both physically with pain & psychologically. The thing is, she will freely admit that she doesn't even know what she wants herself half of the time.

I think she'd like bruises etc on occasion, dragged around etc, but there is a problem.

She often tells me to be carefully because what I'm doing hurts! Sometimes I try to push her into doing something she doesn't like & she says she doesn't like it & doesn't want to do it.
Like an idiot perhaps, I listen & feel uncomfortable about pushing further.

Afterwards I think to myself that I should have pushed on with whatever I was doing regardless, afterall isn't that the whole point? Pushing her into doing something she doesn't like? Her saying she doesn't like it is to be expected perhaps?

She's been pushed by her ex into doing stuff that I find a bit shocking & she says that she didn't enjoy it, yet she didn't use her safeword, so maybe she did enjoy it on some level, like she achieved something by enduring the punishment that was thrown at her, she didn't disappoint & felt a surge of pride.

There is this stubborn part of her that doesn't want to use the safeword, she says that she doesn't want to disappoint yet says that the object isn't to make her use her safeword & I know how serious she takes all this stuff, almost like a religious thing, so makes me reluctant to push on.

I'm just wondering what advice anyone could offer? Hell, I really could do with some good advice .

She does seem to be satisfied in every other way & we do have a great sex life, well I think so, think she does too, lol!

It would be nice to satisfy that need in her to be dominated though, I want her to be satisfied in every way.

I guess it's testament to how much I think of her. She is very good to me too, so thoughtful.

Anyway, apologies for the rambling message, just wanted to give as much detail as possible.

Thanks
J

P.s., I should add that I do find the thought of dominating her a real turn on & so there's obviously a dom in me, it's just cutting through what she says & giving her what she wants.

It's trickier dominating someone when you want the relationship to work, you don't want to fk it up ;-).
If I didn't give a sh!t, it might be easy as I wouldn't be as bothered about losing her.

That's not to say I would abuse someone who didn't want it, I would still be cautious.

If you want her to trust you, I would not suggest pushing her past a clearly communicated limit. My Daddy knows He can do whatever He desires to me, but once we have found a limit, usually a physical one, He completely respects it. As a result, I trust Him with my life and will do absolutely anything for Him. He does push my boundaries, which I like. That may seem like an oxymoron. Communication is key. Soft limits, hard limits, need to be talked about, not only when it's happening, but later when there is an opportunity for a relaxed conversation about a past event.

 

[babslovesherdaddy]

Before anyone jumps on me...yes I am speaking from my own limited experience and within the context of my relationship, because that's all I know. Take from it what you will. It is not meant as if it is the only way.

 

[newkinkyguy]

I wonder if someone has a copy of a pre-scene questionnaire that I could plagiarise? That might be a good start .

If you have, perhaps you could pm me & I'll give you my email address.

Thanks guys & girls,
J

 

[seela]

I wonder if someone has a copy of a pre-scene questionnaire that I could plagiarise? That might be a good start .

If you have, perhaps you could pm me & I'll give you my email address.

Thanks guys & girls,
J

There are plenty of them online. Google bdsm checklist and pick one.

 

[newkinkyguy]

I'll do that now, thanks

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

I sympathize with your situation intensely. I've known more people than I'd like that have had bad experiences, and it breaks what little heart I have, to know that something so beautiful was made ugly for someone... I will offer what advice I can, but others here are probably far better equipped.

I think she'd like bruises etc on occasion, dragged around etc, but there is a problem.

She often tells me to be careful because what I'm doing hurts! Sometimes I try to push her into doing something she doesn't like & she says she doesn't like it & doesn't want to do it.
Like an idiot perhaps, I listen & feel uncomfortable about pushing further.

This is why people use safe words and colors, to clearly indicate when something is too much. These things exist for a reason, use them. There is a big difference between " pain " and pain, and as the one giving, it is your responsibility to understand and make that distinction.

At the same time, she needs to throw away this idea that she can " handle it ". All it takes is a second of frustration, a bit too much force, or ( in this case ) a lack of clear feedback for something irredeemable to happen. Not only is she risking her own safety by doing this, but also yours, as how does she think you'd feel if something went wrong? That's not to mention that I have a sneaking suspicion this, at least partially, is a result of her previous relationship that burned her. Broken things need fixed, now you've taken on the duty of overwriting that trauma, and it won't work without trust and communication.

There is nothing idiotic about stopping something that is crossed over into actually harming someone. You just started this relationship and openly admitted to not having a firm grasp on her desires, this means you have yet to obtain the right to decide for her. You need to slow down and have both an in depth discussion with her, and yourself.

 

[newkinkyguy]

There is nothing idiotic about stopping something that is crossed over into actually harming someone. You just started this relationship and openly admitted to not having a firm grasp on her desires, this means you have yet to obtain the right to decide for her. You need to slow down and have both an in depth discussion with her, and yourself.

You are of course right in what you say.

One thing that is making it difficult for me to accept her past is that she wanted to marry the guy who beat her up, gave her stitches! I wonder if on some level, she enjoyed that & it's that I'm finding difficult to swallow! He cheated on her several times + worse stuff that I can't even discuss as it wouldn't be right & that's why they broke up!

As much as I like her, that single thing is making me feel insecure. It's like he could do anything he wanted to her & she took it all, totally gave away all her self-respect. It's painful for me to think about. It's the old 'treat them mean, keep them keen' thing, that's what d/s is all about though, right?

I'm torn between being angry that she put up with this & feeling really sorry for her & wanting to heal her pain. Part of me is fearful that she likes bad men & she's drawn to them.

I could never do what he did to a girl, nor would I want to! I do want to push her limits though, or else it won't do anything for her. It has to test her out a little.

She doesn't even know what she wants herself half the time & seems to think that talking about it, telling me what she wants is 'topping from the bottom'. I'm new to this whole d/s thing & she tells me that, like I'm supposed to just instinctively know what to do.

I guess that I'm going through that uncomfortable period of not knowing if I'm doing it right.

Anyway, things will get better with time I guess, just don't want it to be unsatisfying.

Despite my whingeing, I really do think a lot of her & in all other regards, the relationship is great