I haven't been around the BDSM forum much of late. Just doing drive-bys I don't see as much posting as when I first joined here by "real" people, I see a lot of guys looking for masturbation fodder. I don't have much to add anyways, even though I am in a stable, loving M/s relationship filled with fun pain, I am the last person to give anyone advice. I come here to read and for inspiration to find something to pleasantly surprise Sir with. For me, there never were good old days around here, but whatever it was before, I do miss it.
Insider or Outsider?
- Thread starter midwestyankee
- Start date
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
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I'm sorry I broke the forum. It seems to have recovered slightly, though, so maybe the injury wasn't terminal?
I should add that while I've been away for a while, I did catch up on the discussion in this thread last night. In fact, I re-read the entire thread to remind myself of the full context of the discussion. As a side-note, I also spent a good chunk of time recently following some online discussion of the much-publicized sexual assault case from Stanford University. Perhaps that helps explain my current take on much of the discussion in this thread. That is that much of the response by long-time residents looks rather unbecomingly like victim blaming? "Don't you think you were just asking for it by wearing that attitude in such a neighborhood?" "Isn't it true that you have on several occasions posted in an online forum without first being invited by a regular?"
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whisperdconsent
Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2015
- Posts
- 58
Even though i joined this site a few years ago i rarely get to visit because i am too busy caring for Domme and Her home, and only get permission as a reward once in a while. i really have no contact of any sort with anyone other than Her or with Her keeping an eye on me. i would never have thought to come here on my own. She was told about it by a Friend of Hers, set up my account, i guess you call it, but only after making sure it was safe place for me.
She wanted me to have some interaction with others but only under controlled conditions and decided this was the safest for when She isn't there to watch over me. i still have to have permission, but not allowed to request it. i only come here when She says i can and i have to keep track of where i went and who i talked to and what i say here. she used to have to read any message or thread i got or saw before allowing me to reply but She allowed more leniency because that was hard to do and she felt it was taking up too much my time that needed to be spent doing my chores.
i have received rude, nasty messages and discussed them in another thread but overall everyone i have talked to has been very nice, cordial and respectful and have made the little time i am allowed here very pleasant and enjoyable.
She wanted me to have some interaction with others but only under controlled conditions and decided this was the safest for when She isn't there to watch over me. i still have to have permission, but not allowed to request it. i only come here when She says i can and i have to keep track of where i went and who i talked to and what i say here. she used to have to read any message or thread i got or saw before allowing me to reply but She allowed more leniency because that was hard to do and she felt it was taking up too much my time that needed to be spent doing my chores.
i have received rude, nasty messages and discussed them in another thread but overall everyone i have talked to has been very nice, cordial and respectful and have made the little time i am allowed here very pleasant and enjoyable.
BiBunny
Moon Queen & Wanderer
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- Dec 7, 2005
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- 12,444
I have my own thoughts here, but I don't particularly want to open this can of worms again, TBH. I don't much care what other people think of me personally, but I'd rather not invite something that kills the whole forum off again.
I will say that, as much as I
and respect you, I feel like you're drawing an enormous false equivalency here. But that's all I'll say because I feel like the overall health of the board is more important than whatever fights I could pick if I really wanted to.
midwestyankee
Literotica Guru
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I have my own thoughts here, but I don't particularly want to open this can of worms again, TBH. I don't much care what other people think of me personally, but I'd rather not invite something that kills the whole forum off again.
I will say that, as much as I
Why not? Worms are full of protein and we could probably all use a little more variety in our diets.
I would like to pursue this further with you, and doing so offline and privately suits me just fine.
Still, I think that characterizing the early response to this thread as "killing the forum" is a bit of an overstatement. And I'm pretty sure that the people who started the 624 threads that have been begun in this forum since this particular thread was initiated would probably agree that the forum was quite alive when they did so. To say nothing of the dozens and dozens of people who participated in those newer threads.
I understand resistance to change and I understand resistance to criticism, but I think it's worth examining behavior from the outside in occasionally, whether as an individual or as part of a community.
Endless_Night
Literotica Guru
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I continue to be surprised at how different posters view the questions raised by this thread.
Does no one remember the personal attacks leveled at new posters who dared to offer an unpopular opinion? Noobs eviscerated because the tone of their post pissed off some regular poster? The general intolerance to anyone who didn’t tow the party line of the vocal minority? The common occurrence of threads dropping down to three posters who did little but congratulate themselves on the rightness of their ideas?
Even regulars that didn’t actively participate in bashing didn’t protest the lack of respect or politeness extended to newcomers. Or the lack of stimulation brought about by opposing viewpoints.
My entry to the forum was better than most. While not exactly greeted with open arms, I was fortunate enough to get some helpful answers to my initial posts. Stella and CutieMouse, if I remember correctly, made suggestions and offered books to read.
That didn’t blind me to what I saw happening to other noobs.
I get the complaints about new posters. They can be tedious, time-consuming, and you don’t know if they’ll become part of the board landscape. However, I’d like to point out the at least four of the initial posters at this thread’s inception - each who reported a less than pleasant experience - went on to become active posters in other forums.
Most of the the worst offenders seem to have either left the board or rarely post, presumably a good thing as far as bringing in new blood. Surely a necessary component of an open, healthy forum.
Does no one remember the personal attacks leveled at new posters who dared to offer an unpopular opinion? Noobs eviscerated because the tone of their post pissed off some regular poster? The general intolerance to anyone who didn’t tow the party line of the vocal minority? The common occurrence of threads dropping down to three posters who did little but congratulate themselves on the rightness of their ideas?
Even regulars that didn’t actively participate in bashing didn’t protest the lack of respect or politeness extended to newcomers. Or the lack of stimulation brought about by opposing viewpoints.
My entry to the forum was better than most. While not exactly greeted with open arms, I was fortunate enough to get some helpful answers to my initial posts. Stella and CutieMouse, if I remember correctly, made suggestions and offered books to read.
That didn’t blind me to what I saw happening to other noobs.
I get the complaints about new posters. They can be tedious, time-consuming, and you don’t know if they’ll become part of the board landscape. However, I’d like to point out the at least four of the initial posters at this thread’s inception - each who reported a less than pleasant experience - went on to become active posters in other forums.
Most of the the worst offenders seem to have either left the board or rarely post, presumably a good thing as far as bringing in new blood. Surely a necessary component of an open, healthy forum.
CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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- 8,493
My entry to the forum was better than most. While not exactly greeted with open arms, I was fortunate enough to get some helpful answers to my initial posts. Stella and CutieMouse, if I remember correctly, made suggestions and offered books to read.
That didn’t blind me to what I saw happening to other noobs.
I cut my teeth in internet forums almost... 15[?] years ago, on a mothering forum (of all things). Wanna see people get ugly and threads go south in a heartbeat? Try discussing homebirthing, attachment parenting, homeschooling or breastfeeding with mothers who have so little to entertain themselves [intellectually] that they hang out online most of the day.
But the experience taught me the best way to avoid being obliterated, was to hang out and observe for a while before joining a forum. Which is what I did here, and what I've done on most of the Fet forums I've joined. I think I lurked here for a few months before even joining, it was so intimidating.
Have my feelings been hurt here? Yes. Have I gone through phases of feeling ignored or looked over (especially the last few years, as my activity has dropped)? Yep. I won't wax poetic about "the good ol' days" (although I very much miss a lot of people who no longer post here), but the forum does have a very different atmosphere than it did 12 years ago when I first wandered in.
But on that note - yes, there has always been a sharpness and intolerance to certain things around here. In some ways it's gotten better over the years; in some ways, worse. (For my part, I try not to write a reply in a thread if my first reaction is an eye roll... I don't always succeed, but I do try.)
The forum isn't supposed to feel the same as it did 12 years ago. It's supposed to evolve, experience hiccups, erupt into forum wars, and ruffle a few feathers... that's part of online evolution. When old timer's attitudes/behaviors get tiresome enough, they will either leave (due to incompatibility) or be forced to shift their behavior to comply with the forum's more dominant posters - the one's who's posting makes them a constant, impactful presence on the board.
In other words, forum dynamics are based on a relationship, just like any other.
Endless_Night
Literotica Guru
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< The forum isn't supposed to feel the same as it did 12 years ago. It's supposed to evolve, experience hiccups, erupt into forum wars, and ruffle a few feathers... that's part of online evolution. When old timer's attitudes/behaviors get tiresome enough, they will either leave (due to incompatibility) or be forced to shift their behavior to comply with the forum's more dominant posters - the one's who's posting makes them a constant, impactful presence on the board.
In other words, forum dynamics are based on a relationship, just like any other.
I agree with this^ completely. A forum is an ever-evolving entity, dependent on the character and persona of the most prominent or prolific posters. Change is inevitable. No one likes it, particularly when they are happy with the status quo, but it just happens. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.
I'm just always a little surprised at how some people's better is other people's worse.
I also lurked before joining the board. About six months worth, as I recall. I think it's the only thing that kept me from being annihilated!
Edited to Add: Though "prevalent board culture" is certainly not an acceptable excuse for ripping up noobs.
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SpunThings
Literotica Guru
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I cut my teeth in internet forums almost... 15[?] years ago, on a mothering forum (of all things). Wanna see people get ugly and threads go south in a heartbeat? Try discussing homebirthing, attachment parenting, homeschooling or breastfeeding with mothers who have so little to entertain themselves [intellectually] that they hang out online most of the day.
But the experience taught me the best way to avoid being obliterated, was to hang out and observe for a while before joining a forum. Which is what I did here, and what I've done on most of the Fet forums I've joined. I think I lurked here for a few months before even joining, it was so intimidating.
Have my feelings been hurt here? Yes. Have I gone through phases of feeling ignored or looked over (especially the last few years, as my activity has dropped)? Yep. I won't wax poetic about "the good ol' days" (although I very much miss a lot of people who no longer post here), but the forum does have a very different atmosphere than it did 12 years ago when I first wandered in.
But on that note - yes, there has always been a sharpness and intolerance to certain things around here. In some ways it's gotten better over the years; in some ways, worse. (For my part, I try not to write a reply in a thread if my first reaction is an eye roll... I don't always succeed, but I do try.)
The forum isn't supposed to feel the same as it did 12 years ago. It's supposed to evolve, experience hiccups, erupt into forum wars, and ruffle a few feathers... that's part of online evolution. When old timer's attitudes/behaviors get tiresome enough, they will either leave (due to incompatibility) or be forced to shift their behavior to comply with the forum's more dominant posters - the one's who's posting makes them a constant, impactful presence on the board.
In other words, forum dynamics are based on a relationship, just like any other.
I lurk in every new online community I join. For weeks if not months. That is some of the best advice for anyone joining a new community. It's like you won't move in on your first date, or most people won't. I agree it's much like a relationship.
L
La damnee elle la licorne
Guest
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CutieMouse
Meticulously Flighty
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- Apr 7, 2004
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- 8,493
I think it's good to read too...but it's not a rule and people are different.
I feel like this is in danger of being a 'one true way' to do forums here if you want to have a decent reception. Cannot we of all people accept some people perhaps need a welcome and then a direction, or like to approach life differently? Maybe that's good for us too, I am not sure.
Except that it's not just here that it's considered wise to lurk/read prior to joining conversations in a forum. In my experience online, it's common netiquette, similar to typing in Caps = shouting, or either quoting the person you're addressing or drawing attention with a @___ (the person you're addressing).
Do people have to get a "feel" for a board before diving in? Of course not. But it will probably make interaction in any online forum easier.
Ideally, online forums should practice and promote healthy communication; however, the limitations of the written word may make that difficult. For example -
It's difficult to read tone/intent in an online forum, especially when one is new. There will be inside jokes, undercurrents of other conversations, commonalities that make it easy for new members to feel awkward and left out. You can't protect every new person from experiencing whatever tone they read into your postings. If you could, IMO it would damage the authenticity of the forum - posters could become more concerned with causing offense, than communication
L
La damnee elle la licorne
Guest
cookiecat
Literotica Guru
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I've really missed something along the way if new folks feel that mistreated and "old" folks left because of the vitriole here. That's too bad.
It is a little cliquey but that happens. I've posted in other forums as well as threads here where my comment is overlooked. It bums me out because I thought I crafted a well thought out reply and no one noticed.
On the flip side, I've posted stuff I thought was flip or - in my head - funny, and I've offended someone.
On another board, someone publicly said he put me on ignore for a post I made; someone made a pretty similar comment a few posts later and they had a lovely chit chat back and forth because they knew each other. It felt weird to be dismissed in one post.
At times. I think, grow up - it's the internet. Most times though, I realize online feelings are just as strong as face to face feelings. I hesitate to say real life because online feels like real life sometimes.
People come here for a zillion different reasons and all are valid. I get a little riled up at people who PM me who want to cyber. But really? It's a porn site. What do I expect!? Roll with it!!
So all in all, I try to treat online like real life. I try not to say things here that I wouldn't say in real life.
I like that this thread has opened up the conversation.
It is a little cliquey but that happens. I've posted in other forums as well as threads here where my comment is overlooked. It bums me out because I thought I crafted a well thought out reply and no one noticed.
On the flip side, I've posted stuff I thought was flip or - in my head - funny, and I've offended someone.
On another board, someone publicly said he put me on ignore for a post I made; someone made a pretty similar comment a few posts later and they had a lovely chit chat back and forth because they knew each other. It felt weird to be dismissed in one post.
At times. I think, grow up - it's the internet. Most times though, I realize online feelings are just as strong as face to face feelings. I hesitate to say real life because online feels like real life sometimes.
People come here for a zillion different reasons and all are valid. I get a little riled up at people who PM me who want to cyber. But really? It's a porn site. What do I expect!? Roll with it!!
So all in all, I try to treat online like real life. I try not to say things here that I wouldn't say in real life.
I like that this thread has opened up the conversation.
Raingirl85
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2016
- Posts
- 141
I'm fairly new here, but not new to BDSM or to online forums in general.. IMO this is a very tame forum.. a lot less cliquey and hostile compared to others I've been on over the years. I wish I had found it sooner.
It's the internet.. you have to have a thick skin (unfortunately). And I totally agree with the previous poster that mentioned Mommy Forums! Want to talk about hostility and cliques? Mommy Forums. Scary, scary stuff!
It's the internet.. you have to have a thick skin (unfortunately). And I totally agree with the previous poster that mentioned Mommy Forums! Want to talk about hostility and cliques? Mommy Forums. Scary, scary stuff!
L
La damnee elle la licorne
Guest
L
La damnee elle la licorne
Guest
seela
Quark Thief
- Joined
- May 14, 2010
- Posts
- 10,534
Yep, it is relatively new. I mentioned in a previous post here that I think BDSM Talk has become a lot more serious and also slowed down a lot since the new forum was formed. I think it's easier for newbies join in on that type of threads that tend to take place there than the serious, more philosophical ones we used to have a lot here. Maybe after posting in those not so serious threads it gets easier to join the other conversations too.
The piling on newbies EN mentioned. Yep, I notice that happening sometimes (not so much in the recent years though, IMO). And yep, I've done that myself too. And definitely yep, I never jump in and call out the ones doing it. It's just not for me to be the forum referee, I'd rather just stay out of the whole conversation. I can remember calling someone out exactly once, and I felt very weird doing that. (And felt even weirder after Elle complimented me on doing that...)
I don't go out of my way to be mean to newbies or people in general, but I can get snippy. I also don't go out of my way to especially say hello to newbies, try to involve them in the discussion or to make sure I don't skip a newbie's post (unless it's a post to a thread I've started, then I try to keep up better). So yes, I'm a part of the problem that's described here. But honestly... I'm not sure I have enough energy to start paying attention to it all. I try not to jump on people as much as I have done in the past, so I say that's good enough for me.
Raingirl85
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2016
- Posts
- 141
We have responded to one another's posts a time or two on other threads.
You have a very poetic/whimsical style, it's enjoyable.
F
Farawyn
Guest
I've really missed something along the way if new folks feel that mistreated and "old" folks left because of the vitriole here. That's too bad.
It is a little cliquey but that happens. I've posted in other forums as well as threads here where my comment is overlooked. It bums me out because I thought I crafted a well thought out reply and no one noticed.
On the flip side, I've posted stuff I thought was flip or - in my head - funny, and I've offended someone.
On another board, someone publicly said he put me on ignore for a post I made; someone made a pretty similar comment a few posts later and they had a lovely chit chat back and forth because they knew each other. It felt weird to be dismissed in one post.
At times. I think, grow up - it's the internet. Most times though, I realize online feelings are just as strong as face to face feelings. I hesitate to say real life because online feels like real life sometimes.
People come here for a zillion different reasons and all are valid. I get a little riled up at people who PM me who want to cyber. But really? It's a porn site. What do I expect!? Roll with it!!
So all in all, I try to treat online like real life. I try not to say things here that I wouldn't say in real life.
I like that this thread has opened up the conversation.
I do, too. The problem is, there isn't much I won't say in RL.
Cumference
I brought my plunger!
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2014
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- 2,729
I must second Raingirl.
Compared to other fora that I have frequented, lit'sters are pretty well behaved.
There are som asshats, but there will always be asshats. There are also kids with inflated egos and limited social skills, but they are again rare compared to other fora.
"Test the water and be polite, even when you meet an asshole" is always a good starting point.
"Kick in the door, piss in the corner and declare that you've never seen so many inbred idiots on so little space" just isn't a good way to introduce yourself and make friends (apart from one forum that I know, where the rednecks roam. They consider thoughtfulness and politeness to be an insult)
L
La damnee elle la licorne
Guest
Keroin
aKwatic
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- Jan 8, 2009
- Posts
- 8,154
Popping in to say hello and answer the good questions posed by Yanks.
Time, patience, meaningful interaction.
I love the irony of this question, since my first post was pounced upon, not kindly, by the author. The author, who has become a good online friend off of this board.
I'd say the shunning comes from going directly into "attack" mode. But it cuts both ways. I did not tiptoe into this forum. I could have been more polite. (More irony, I am Canadian, I am all about polite!). But I also have thick skin and I rarely tiptoe in anywhere I go, so it worked out okay for me.
The worst of what I have seen is the immediate attack followed by dog piling. Assumptions of motivation that trigger group response, sometimes with good reason, other times not so much.
I used to take part in the dog piling. I feel some shame about this.
I don't think there are any written and enforceable rules that elicit shunning. IMO it's more of an intangible feeling of the Other not fitting in with the status quo. And forgetfulness. Easy to forget how it was to be new.
Re: Grammar Nazism. I am a reformed Grammar Nazi. (Okay, still working on it). In my defense, I was attracted to this site because of the "Lit" more than the "erotica". I was pleasantly surprised to find a "porn" forum full of literate and intelligent folks. I was pretty snobby about the grammars at times. Sorry.
If I had a pet peeve, way back when I was new and on my way to becoming, (briefly), a regular, it was not the heavy handedness of "insiders" it was when they would start pining for the "good old days" and all the awesome people who no longer post and how the board was sooooooo much better back then. I used to think, "But maybe I'm the new good old days! Gimme a chance!" That is the kind of talk that truly made me feel unwelcome.
BUT!
With few exceptions, I loved being part of this community, learned invaluable lessons, had my mind changed on many subjects, met interesting people with diverse backgrounds, and even made a couple of honest-to-goodness real life friends! Some of whom have helped me through some very very bad times this past year.
I know there are a few folks here who don't like me. (Maybe more than a few?) And at least one who hates me. Meh. That's life. The good people here, once you get to know them, are worth sticking around for.
Time, patience, meaningful interaction.
I love the irony of this question, since my first post was pounced upon, not kindly, by the author. The author, who has become a good online friend off of this board.
I'd say the shunning comes from going directly into "attack" mode. But it cuts both ways. I did not tiptoe into this forum. I could have been more polite. (More irony, I am Canadian, I am all about polite!). But I also have thick skin and I rarely tiptoe in anywhere I go, so it worked out okay for me.
The worst of what I have seen is the immediate attack followed by dog piling. Assumptions of motivation that trigger group response, sometimes with good reason, other times not so much.
I used to take part in the dog piling. I feel some shame about this.
I don't think there are any written and enforceable rules that elicit shunning. IMO it's more of an intangible feeling of the Other not fitting in with the status quo. And forgetfulness. Easy to forget how it was to be new.
Re: Grammar Nazism. I am a reformed Grammar Nazi. (Okay, still working on it). In my defense, I was attracted to this site because of the "Lit" more than the "erotica". I was pleasantly surprised to find a "porn" forum full of literate and intelligent folks. I was pretty snobby about the grammars at times. Sorry.
If I had a pet peeve, way back when I was new and on my way to becoming, (briefly), a regular, it was not the heavy handedness of "insiders" it was when they would start pining for the "good old days" and all the awesome people who no longer post and how the board was sooooooo much better back then. I used to think, "But maybe I'm the new good old days! Gimme a chance!" That is the kind of talk that truly made me feel unwelcome.
BUT!
With few exceptions, I loved being part of this community, learned invaluable lessons, had my mind changed on many subjects, met interesting people with diverse backgrounds, and even made a couple of honest-to-goodness real life friends! Some of whom have helped me through some very very bad times this past year.
I know there are a few folks here who don't like me. (Maybe more than a few?) And at least one who hates me. Meh. That's life. The good people here, once you get to know them, are worth sticking around for.
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LallyH
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 13, 2013
- Posts
- 10,804
I don't know if it's allowable, or if everyone else would agree, but when I first joined, I got a welcome off Stella and a nudge in the direction of her essay which spelt out some very helpful basics to me, in language that I could grasp and make sense of. It wasn't lengthy or technical, but it sorted out some simple terminology as a springboard to reading up on those areas which particularly interested me.
I know that we have a bdsm library on the forum, but I also know that as a new visitor, I would have found it too extensive to know where to start - like being shown into a huge physical library, being told that my answers were there somewhere, but not knowing which section to head for
I wonder if we could put Stella's essay somewhere so that any new people could read it as an easy introduction?
And if it exists somewhere obvious and I haven't seen it, please just ignore me and I'll just sit in the corner and recover from my embarrassment
Aaaand I've just realised that I've not explained my point properly. I felt intimidated when I first joined because I didn't understand the terminology and shorthand that exists here and maybe others feel that way too. Stella's essay explained what everything means so that I could get a clearer understanding of discussions, and therefore felt more comfortable about joining in. Sorry - it's been a long day
I know that we have a bdsm library on the forum, but I also know that as a new visitor, I would have found it too extensive to know where to start - like being shown into a huge physical library, being told that my answers were there somewhere, but not knowing which section to head for
I wonder if we could put Stella's essay somewhere so that any new people could read it as an easy introduction?
And if it exists somewhere obvious and I haven't seen it, please just ignore me and I'll just sit in the corner and recover from my embarrassment
Aaaand I've just realised that I've not explained my point properly. I felt intimidated when I first joined because I didn't understand the terminology and shorthand that exists here and maybe others feel that way too. Stella's essay explained what everything means so that I could get a clearer understanding of discussions, and therefore felt more comfortable about joining in. Sorry - it's been a long day
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cascadiabound
MrTs barmaid
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2015
- Posts
- 29,895
I really appreciate the contributions of Raingirl, Lally, Kerion, Circumference and the questions posed by MidWestYankee.
I can understand Lally's point about the library being a bit overwhelming for a newbie to navigate. For me it just felt lik a treasure trove.
The point made by several about the usefulness of lurking and watching for a time before jumping into any on-line forum is certainly the way I approached my time here. I lurked and watched and read here for quite a long time (over a year) before I became a registered user, and then lurked and watched for a while longer before I made any posts of any significance after registering. By which time I had picked up the short hand and abbreviations, gotten a sense of the personalities and the tenor of the board in general. I have not actively participated in an entirely on line forum (the new moms forum sounds positively DREADFUL), but I have seen some of the most dreadful behavior in on-line settings where people could be anonymous in a forum designed to further issues and relationships in an actual neighborhood. It became so toxic and unhelpful the forum actually had to be closed down because people were so utterly unable to behave in that setting. Compared to that experience people here are saints enjoying the most lovely and genteel tea party.
I would echo Kerion's sentiment that it takes "time, patience and meaningful interaction" to become an "insider" here. Honestly - that's what it takes to become an "insider" in any community. When I first showed up here I assumed that no one would take me seriously. That what I had to say would likely be discounted because I had no credibility until I earned it. I figure I am still earning that credibility. And that as long as I am here, my contributions will be weighed and measured and folks will decide whether they add to the conversation or not. If what I have contributed is an add or not. I hope so. At least most of the time. But at least sometimes I will blow it. I will have an off day. I will rub someone wrong. My perspective will be diametrically opposed to another's view, or I will have missed someone's meaning and gone off track in my own response. I will have inartfully phrased something and hurt someone's feelings. I apologize now for all of these sins I know I will invariable commit at some point.
I have generally not experienced feeling attacked or piled on here. Maybe because I am rather cautious about what I post. Or because when someone takes exception to what I have said I do not often tend to take it personally.
I have seem the attack and the pile on. Especially when this occurs to brand new people it worries me... but sometimes they can take it and sometimes the topic merits a bit of pile on or attack. Usually there is a voice somewhere in the mix that tries to pull back on the attack/pile on dynamic and I know that I have at times reached out to people by PM to encourage them privately when I fear they may feel attacked or out of their depth.
As to Stella's essay - I am not sure exactly what Lally is referring to. Maybe someone could link to it?
Also quoting Kerion:
"With few exceptions, I loved being part of this community, learned invaluable lessons, had my mind changed on many subjects, met interesting people with diverse backgrounds, and even made a couple of honest-to-goodness real life friends! Some of whom have helped me through some very very bad times this past year."
I have found the same to be true. And I can hardly imagine having found what I found here elsewhere.
cb
I can understand Lally's point about the library being a bit overwhelming for a newbie to navigate. For me it just felt lik a treasure trove.
The point made by several about the usefulness of lurking and watching for a time before jumping into any on-line forum is certainly the way I approached my time here. I lurked and watched and read here for quite a long time (over a year) before I became a registered user, and then lurked and watched for a while longer before I made any posts of any significance after registering. By which time I had picked up the short hand and abbreviations, gotten a sense of the personalities and the tenor of the board in general. I have not actively participated in an entirely on line forum (the new moms forum sounds positively DREADFUL), but I have seen some of the most dreadful behavior in on-line settings where people could be anonymous in a forum designed to further issues and relationships in an actual neighborhood. It became so toxic and unhelpful the forum actually had to be closed down because people were so utterly unable to behave in that setting. Compared to that experience people here are saints enjoying the most lovely and genteel tea party.
I would echo Kerion's sentiment that it takes "time, patience and meaningful interaction" to become an "insider" here. Honestly - that's what it takes to become an "insider" in any community. When I first showed up here I assumed that no one would take me seriously. That what I had to say would likely be discounted because I had no credibility until I earned it. I figure I am still earning that credibility. And that as long as I am here, my contributions will be weighed and measured and folks will decide whether they add to the conversation or not. If what I have contributed is an add or not. I hope so. At least most of the time. But at least sometimes I will blow it. I will have an off day. I will rub someone wrong. My perspective will be diametrically opposed to another's view, or I will have missed someone's meaning and gone off track in my own response. I will have inartfully phrased something and hurt someone's feelings. I apologize now for all of these sins I know I will invariable commit at some point.
I have generally not experienced feeling attacked or piled on here. Maybe because I am rather cautious about what I post. Or because when someone takes exception to what I have said I do not often tend to take it personally.
I have seem the attack and the pile on. Especially when this occurs to brand new people it worries me... but sometimes they can take it and sometimes the topic merits a bit of pile on or attack. Usually there is a voice somewhere in the mix that tries to pull back on the attack/pile on dynamic and I know that I have at times reached out to people by PM to encourage them privately when I fear they may feel attacked or out of their depth.
As to Stella's essay - I am not sure exactly what Lally is referring to. Maybe someone could link to it?
Also quoting Kerion:
"With few exceptions, I loved being part of this community, learned invaluable lessons, had my mind changed on many subjects, met interesting people with diverse backgrounds, and even made a couple of honest-to-goodness real life friends! Some of whom have helped me through some very very bad times this past year."
I have found the same to be true. And I can hardly imagine having found what I found here elsewhere.
cb
