The difference between a Dominant male and a pushy male.

[lilvixen2016]

A Dominant male will never have to state “IM a strong Dominant Male”,
A submissive will feel it and she will respond.

A Dominant male will not push a submissive into moving faster than she feels comfortable with.
Nor will He make her feel wrong for wanting to get to know Him and/or needing His patience and understanding to do so.

A true Dominant male will wait until the submissive wants Him to touch her so bad she can't stand it.

A Dominant male will get into the submissive's mind and learn what she needs.

A true Dominant male will be in control of HIS mind and body because if He can't control himself how will He ever learn to control His submissive.

A Dominant male will go after and pursue what He wants by making sure she wants him.
He is a Master of control and seduction not pushy and full of arrogance.

There are many many things that distinguish a Dominant male from pushy male.
Please feel free to share the ones that mean the most to you.


lil vixen

 

[SpunThings]

I don't understand why we have to idealize someone who chooses the label dominant. There are dominants who are great, and there are dominants who are shit. Just like there are husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends/lovers/whatever that are great, and some that are shit.

That's great that you've found the qualities you want in a partner, but these are not necessarily universal.

 

[CutieMouse]

I have to disagree with about 98% of this... some of it is simply healthy relationship common sense romanticized as D/s, but most of it IMO is the stuff of romance novels.

I don't look for dominant men; I look for compatible men.

 

[lilvixen2016]

Nice to see everyone is still so positive on Lit.

Everyone is entitled to their thoughts and views but you don't have to criticize others for theirs views not being yours.

There is no over all right or wrong it's all points of views and opinions.

 

[MeekMe]

 

[DudeA]

Eh, I thought that it was pretty good...

I think that people get too hung up on labeling, and then the anti-labeling.. It's like as if people are fighting over who gets to decide how something should be defined.

But we all know that we're not saying that all doms/subs are like this, or that all doms/subs should be like so and so. We're just giving our own ideas and opinions how the dom/sub should be or how we would like them to be. We're basically sharing ideas about who is compatible with us in our own ways.

 

[SpunThings]

Eh, I thought that it was pretty good...

I think that people get too hung up on labeling, and then the anti-labeling.. It's like as if people are fighting over who gets to decide how something should be defined.

But we all know that we're not saying that all doms/subs are like this, or that all doms/subs should be like so and so. We're just giving our own ideas and opinions how the dom/sub should be or how we would like them to be. We're basically sharing ideas about who is compatible with us in our own ways.

Speak for yourself. I don't know those things. I posted what I did because I thought the OP was putting up a universal list of qualities in a dom.

 

[SpunThings]

Nice to see everyone is still so positive on Lit.

Everyone is entitled to their thoughts and views but you don't have to criticize others for theirs views not being yours.

There is no over all right or wrong it's all points of views and opinions.

Of you're going to post on a public discussion board, you're going to get discussion. Discussion often contains differing viewpoints. I don't have to criticize your viewpoint, but I choose to because I understand this is a discussion board.

In my opinion dominant man, and pushy man are not mutually exclusive. A dominant man can be pushy too.

 

[lilvixen2016]

Eh, I thought that it was pretty good...

I think that people get too hung up on labeling, and then the anti-labeling.. It's like as if people are fighting over who gets to decide how something should be defined.

But we all know that we're not saying that all doms/subs are like this, or that all doms/subs should be like so and so. We're just giving our own ideas and opinions how the dom/sub should be or how we would like them to be. We're basically sharing ideas about who is compatible with us in our own ways.

Yes, I was sharing my thoughts on Dominance vs pushy.
I did say and encourage others to share the things (because there are many) that are important to them. I think is just easier for some to try to disagree than be happy and reply on the post they agree with.

thank you for your post.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

A dominant man may or may not be pushy. There is no such thing as "a true Dom." Relationships and encounters work between people who communicate and find someone with similar kinks or desire to explore. There is no one right way to be Dominant or submissive.

 

[DudeA]

I posted what I did because I thought the OP was putting up a universal list of qualities in a dom.

Well that was my point... I don't think that anyone was actually saying that those are the universal qualities of the doms and that all doms have to adhere to such list of rules.

When someone posts something like "All doms are like this" or "This is how subs should behave!", then I usually shrug my shoulders and assume that they're just talking about their own ideals, and they don't necessarily have to confirm to my own or anybody else's ideas and ideals. But it would be nice if I agreed with them, otherwise, I wouldn't really care much. It's just a way to get to know them better and how they feel about things. It's kind of like saying, "This is how I want my boyfriend/girlfriend to be like". It's like a conversation starter or a social thing...

I don't have anything to add, but that's just how I view things. If you wanted, I think that you should just add your own ideals or what kind of dom/sub that you're compatible with or want to be with the most.

 

[midwestyankee]

Nice to see everyone is still so positive on Lit.

Everyone is entitled to their thoughts and views but you don't have to criticize others for theirs views not being yours.

There is no over all right or wrong it's all points of views and opinions.

Bullshit. Not everything is just a view or an opinion. Some things really are true and some things really are wrong. Claiming that everyone's opinion is equally valid is a lazy crock. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I'm willing to bet that Tiger Woods's judgment about a golfer's swing is more valid than yours. I've been playing for 50 years and his judgment is infinitely more valid than mine.

If your claim here were true, the finger-paintings on your grandmother's refrigerator would be as valuable as a Picasso. They aren't.

 

[SpunThings]

Well that was my point... I don't think that anyone was actually saying that those are the universal qualities of the doms and that all doms have to adhere to such list of rules.

When someone posts something like "All doms are like this" or "This is how subs should behave!", then I usually shrug my shoulders and assume that they're just talking about their own ideals, and they don't necessarily have to confirm to my own or anybody else's ideas and ideals. But it would be nice if I agreed with them, otherwise, I wouldn't really care much. It's just a way to get to know them better and how they feel about things. It's kind of like saying, "This is how I want my boyfriend/girlfriend to be like". It's like a conversation starter or a social thing...

I don't have anything to add, but that's just how I view things. If you wanted, I think that you should just add your own ideals or what kind of dom/sub that you're compatible with or want to be with the most.

Well, I choose to speak up when I have a critique of what someone says. You have your way of responding, and I have mine. I don't see the original post the way you do at all. I think that posts like this can encourage people to stop seeing things as a matter of compatibility, and see them more as a right or wrong way to do things. What about submissives who like pushy people?

I'm compatible with my husband.

I'm not just trying to be difficult or negative. I disagree fundamentally with posts like this. It strikes me less as discussing personal preference, and more about presenting a romanticized view of potential partners. At some point no real person can live up to idealized standards like that. It's much easier to say someone who is flawed and doesn't live up to our expectations "wasn't a real dom" rather than acknowledging that we will always be choosing from flawed people. The goal is to just choose someone whose flaws don't make it impossible to enjoy a relationship with them. It's about finding the most compatible partner, and working at it.

 

[lilvixen2016]

Bullshit. Not everything is just a view or an opinion. Some things really are true and some things really are wrong. Claiming that everyone's opinion is equally valid is a lazy crock. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I'm willing to bet that Tiger Woods's judgment about a golfer's swing is more valid than yours. I've been playing for 50 years and his judgment is infinitely more valid than mine.

If your claim here were true, the finger-paintings on your grandmother's refrigerator would be as valuable as a Picasso. They aren't.

WOW so confrontational..

It's my point of view, thought I would share...
Thanks for being so passionate about it....

 

[SpunThings]

WOW so confrontational..

It's my point of view, thought I would share...
Thanks for being so passionate about it....

The problem isn't that you posted your point of view. The problem is you presented a list of "true" characteristics of a dom. So much of what you wrote doesn't resonate with me, and is not my husband, who is my dominant partner. Relationships are so individual, yet in US culture at least, we're taught through culture that everyone's wants and needs and roles in relationships are the same. If you're looking for an alternative relationship style, you should have learned by now that it's not one size fits all even with people identifying with the same label.

So, my husband is not a very dominant person, personality-wise. He doesn't wait until I want him to touch me so bad I can't stand it. He generally just grabs me, or pinches m, or bites me when he wants. We obviously have gotten to know eachother, but some people do D/s in more casual relationships where they don't date or get to know eachother. That works for them My husband doesn't do anything to make sure I want him. We just kind of take it for granted we want eachother right now. Even people into BDSM can have 10 year married couple routine sex. For some people D/s isn't even about sex at all.

I like when he gets pushy sometimes.literally and figuratively. He's not a threat to me, and would stop if I asked.

There's just way more variety to the kinds of people doing this quite happily than your original post suggests.

 

[lilvixen2016]

Well, I choose to speak up when I have a critique of what someone says. You have your way of responding, and I have mine. I don't see the original post the way you do at all. I think that posts like this can encourage people to stop seeing things as a matter of compatibility, and see them more as a right or wrong way to do things. What about submissives who like pushy people?

I'm compatible with my husband.

I'm not just trying to be difficult or negative. I disagree fundamentally with posts like this. It strikes me less as discussing personal preference, and more about presenting a romanticized view of potential partners. At some point no real person can live up to idealized standards like that. It's much easier to say someone who is flawed and doesn't live up to our expectations "wasn't a real dom" rather than acknowledging that we will always be choosing from flawed people. The goal is to just choose someone whose flaws don't make it impossible to enjoy a relationship with them. It's about finding the most compatible partner, and working at it.

I don't you think you really read it at all.. or got the meaning of the words.

Your saying you are fundamentally disagreeing with what I said...

So you think this way :
1. A man/Dom should have to tell you and state he is a Strong Dominate Male?

2. A man/Dom should push you faster than you are ready and make you do something you are uncomfortable in doing or not ready (ok I guess that would appeal to some slaves being a turnon) - but in my mind if you are not comfortable he will guide you and teach to be. Not push it on you?

3. He should be all over you like a High school boy that can not control himself?

4. So you do feel safe with a man that can control himself but wants to control you?

Those are all things I think are bad traits for a Man and or Dom.
Is it all of them, NO... are there good one yes. Some one could write book about them but these are just my thoughts and how I feel.

Its not a thesis on the subject nor am I saying its the Holy Grail on "How to be a Man/Dom".

I do hope you enjoy your night and don't waste any more time on something that you fundamentally disagree on.. Its much better to follow something you can enjoy and have fun with.

 

[SpunThings]

I don't you think you really read it at all.. or got the meaning of the words.

Your saying you are fundamentally disagreeing with what I said...

So you think this way :
1. A man/Dom should have to tell you and state he is a Strong Dominate Male?

2. A man/Dom should push you faster than you are ready and make you do something you are uncomfortable in doing or not ready (ok I guess that would appeal to some slaves being a turnon) - but in my mind if you are not comfortable he will guide you and teach to be. Not push it on you?

3. He should be all over you like a High school boy that can not control himself?

4. So you do feel safe with a man that can control himself but wants to control you?

Those are all things I think are bad traits for a Man and or Dom.
Is it all no are there good one yes, some one could write book about them but these are just my thoughts and how I feel. Its not a thesis on the subject nor am I saying its the Holy Grail on "How to be a Man".

So I do hope you enjoy your night and don't waste any more time on something that you fundamentally disagree on.. Its much better to follow something you can enjoy and have fun with.

I'm fundamentally disagreeing with the point of your post. Not every single element you listed. I disagree with having a list of what a "real" or "true" dominant is.

1 I'd be totally OK with being with someone who said they were a strong person.

2 I don't let people push me too far, so no this type of person would not be compatible with me.

3 I love it when he's all over me. He is in charge of what he does to me, and when. That is the point of him being the dominant in this relationship. It is not up to me.

4 He does not control me. I control me. I decide to submit to his authority.

I understand now that your list was a personal list of qualities, but the language in your original post did not make that clear to me.

Don't you worry yourself about me wasting time. I enjoy a good debate, even if the other person chooses to use passive aggressive techniques.

 

[DudeA]

What about submissives who like pushy people?

I don't know... maybe they can post what kind of doms they like? If somebody posted, "Doms should be pushy and cruel and overall be obnoxious", then would you disagree? I mean to be honest... I wouldn't really care that much. I think that the sub likes those kinds of doms, and I'd say good for them.

It strikes me less as discussing personal preference, and more about presenting a romanticized view of potential partners. At some point no real person can live up to idealized standards like that. It's much easier to say someone who is flawed and doesn't live up to our expectations "wasn't a real dom" rather than acknowledging that we will always be choosing from flawed people. The goal is to just choose someone whose flaws don't make it impossible to enjoy a relationship with them. It's about finding the most compatible partner, and working at it.

Yeah, I agree with the overly romanticizing and idealizing things. But then again, in the BDSM world we might just be talking about fantasies and ideals, so it's hard to tell.

But anyway, I took the OP as just expressing her needs and desires.

 

[lilvixen2016]

I'm fundamentally disagreeing with the point of your post. Not every single element you listed. I disagree with having a list of what a "real" or "true" dominant is.

1 I'd be totally OK with being with someone who said they were a strong person.

2 I don't let people push me too far, so no this type of person would not be compatible with me.

3 I love it when he's all over me. He is in charge of what he does to me, and when. That is the point of him being the dominant in this relationship. It is not up to me.

4 He does not control me. I control me. I decide to submit to his authority.

I understand now that your list was a personal list of qualities, but the language in your original post did not make that clear to me.

Don't you worry yourself about me wasting time. I enjoy a good debate, even if the other person chooses to use passive aggressive techniques.

Ok so safe to say we are on opposite ends on what attracts us to men.

Have to say your comment of the "passive aggressive techniques" really made me LOL ...
I don't see it being passive-aggressive at all, I was not being indirect nor was I trying to manipulate someone in to think my way. In my mind it was not a negative but the difference between the two different types.

I'm off to bed, have a wonderful evening.

 

[lilvixen2016]

I don't know... maybe they can post what kind of doms they like? If somebody posted, "Doms should be pushy and cruel and overall be obnoxious", then would you disagree? I mean to be honest... I wouldn't really care that much. I think that the sub likes those kinds of doms, and I'd say good for them.



Yeah, I agree with the overly romanticizing and idealizing things. But then again, in the BDSM world we might just be talking about fantasies and ideals, so it's hard to tell.

But anyway, I took the OP as just expressing her needs and desires.

You did take it the way it was meant.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Nice to see everyone is still so positive on Lit.

Everyone is entitled to their thoughts and views but you don't have to criticize others for theirs views not being yours.

There is no over all right or wrong it's all points of views and opinions.

Well that was my point... I don't think that anyone was actually saying that those are the universal qualities of the doms and that all doms have to adhere to such list of rules.

When someone posts something like "All doms are like this" or "This is how subs should behave!", then I usually shrug my shoulders and assume that they're just talking about their own ideals, and they don't necessarily have to confirm to my own or anybody else's ideas and ideals. But it would be nice if I agreed with them, otherwise, I wouldn't really care much. It's just a way to get to know them better and how they feel about things. It's kind of like saying, "This is how I want my boyfriend/girlfriend to be like". It's like a conversation starter or a social thing...

I don't have anything to add, but that's just how I view things. If you wanted, I think that you should just add your own ideals or what kind of dom/sub that you're compatible with or want to be with the most.

This is BDSM Talk, explicitly for discussions.
It's not the place for social conversation starters from people who do not like discussion.

I don't you think you really read it at all.. or got the meaning of the words.

Your saying you are fundamentally disagreeing with what I said...

So you think this way :
1. A man/Dom should have to tell you and state he is a Strong Dominate Male?

2. A man/Dom should push you faster than you are ready and make you do something you are uncomfortable in doing or not ready (ok I guess that would appeal to some slaves being a turnon) - but in my mind if you are not comfortable he will guide you and teach to be. Not push it on you?

3. He should be all over you like a High school boy that can not control himself?

4. So you do feel safe with a man that can control himself but wants to control you?

Those are all things I think are bad traits for a Man and or Dom.
Is it all of them, NO... are there good one yes. Some one could write book about them but these are just my thoughts and how I feel.

Its not a thesis on the subject nor am I saying its the Holy Grail on "How to be a Man/Dom".

I do hope you enjoy your night and don't waste any more time on something that you fundamentally disagree on.. Its much better to follow something you can enjoy and have fun with.

Then you should think about how you word things.

What you are saying is that if a dominant isn't up to your particular standards, they are not a dominant at all.
It's quite possible that it wasn't what you wanted to say, but that's how it came out and that's what several literate people read and answered.

The reason several people called you out on it, is that it might confuse someone new to this, who is actually trying to find ideas for real life relationships.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Yeah, I agree with the overly romanticizing and idealizing things. But then again, in the BDSM world we might just be talking about fantasies and ideals, so it's hard to tell.

Why would BDSM be the place for romanticizing, idealizing fantasies?

 

[seela]

I think all in all it would help if the OP stated that they are her opinions and ideals. Now it reads a little like a universal laundry list, especially as it even says that a true dominant is xyz. That's always problematic in this corner of Lit.

There's much space between what the OP describes and the polar opposite. It's not either or, although in this discussion people seem to assume that if you don't subscribe to the OP's list, you have to be into the complete and total opposite of each point.


And in the spirit of discussion, my opinion and preference on some of the points listed above.

I like pushy dominants who don't necessarily wait around and guide me gently to the point they want me to get. Sometimes it's necessary to push me off the cliff rather than dangle a carrot in front of my nose, so to say, and frankly there aren't very many people who feel comfortable doing that. This doesn't mean that there aren't any areas of life or even sexuality where I'd advice a dominant to tread lightly with me, but I know what those are and I tend to talk about them upfront.

I don't think there is one single person on this planet who is 100% in control of their own mind and body. Dominant people are people and they are affected by life events just like everybody else. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing bdsm with someone who's prone to epic fits of rage, but then again, I don't think I'd feel comfortable spending time with them in any capacity at all.

Getting into the submissive's mind to find out the needs? That's possible to some extent after a while and I've certainly met a few people who have been able to push my more esoteric buttons after not knowing me for very long. But. Those have been lucky (or educated) guesses and lucky compatibility in certain areas, not proof that they're mindreaders. If something truly is a need rather than a want or a would like to, I wouldn't leave it up to anybody developing mindreading skills and would much rather talk about it upfront.

 

[kinkkey]

IMO it is a doms job to push a sub to do things they aren't comfortable with. Breaking down barriers, overcoming fears, and exploring new horizons is a huge part of what BDSM means to me. There are right and wrong ways to do this, though and it varies depending on the thing in question and exactly how uncomfortable the sub is with it.

For certain things that aren't all that serious, forcing them to do it anyway despite their protests can be incredibly arousing for many subs. An example of the sort of thing where this is acceptable would be shoving your foot into the mouth of a sub who thinks feet are icky and telling them to shut up and lick your toes like a good little slut.

For other, more serious things, a patient, nurturing, and guiding approach is needed. Talk them through it calmly, patiently listen to their objections and try to gently overcome them. Don't be manipulative or coercive or forceful, simply be persuasive. Take apart their objections and explain them away in an understanding and respectful way until they can no longer come up with a good reason not to obey you. Make it sound appealing to them, tell them the benefits of it and convince them that they want it. Get them comfortable with the idea by talking dirty to them about this previously taboo topic while they are in the throes of passion, paint them an erotic picture with your words and fill their imagination with this thing that they used to be strictly opposed to, and if possible even give them a tiny, simulated taste of the activity while bringing them to climax. Once they have agreed to give it a try, don't let them chicken out before they have even begun. They are bound to be nervous and get cold feet, reassure them that if they really don't like it then it will stop the moment they say stop, but they have already come this far and now they have to at least give it a try first. A good example of when to use this approach is leading a sub into their first same-sex experience.

 

[kinkkey]

Your saying you are fundamentally disagreeing with what I said...

So you think this way :
1. A man/Dom should have to tell you and state he is a Strong Dominate Male?

2. A man/Dom should push you faster than you are ready and make you do something you are uncomfortable in doing or not ready (ok I guess that would appeal to some slaves being a turnon) - but in my mind if you are not comfortable he will guide you and teach to be. Not push it on you?

3. He should be all over you like a High school boy that can not control himself?

4. So you do feel safe with a man that can control himself but wants to control you?
.

1. There is such a thing as someone who's sexual persona is the polar opposite of their everyday persona. A timid, meek, shy person can suddenly transform into an extremely dominant person behind closed doors with someone they trust and the only reason they act so shy is because they are scared of how people would react if they ever found out who they really were inside. A person who exudes power and confidence in their everyday life can easily turn into the most obedient little sub in the bedroom because that dominant mask they wear out in the world is exhausting for them and they like to relax by surrendering all control. Things are not always what they seem.

2. See my above post. Also, lot's of subs love it when there dom just takes what they want from them without asking permission. As long as they respect your safewords, being treated like an object and having them do whatever they want to you without regard for your opinion or comfort can be a huge turn on.

3&4. Not everyone wants a disinterested dom who seems like they could do without you. Lots of subs love to feel intensely desired, that their dom simply can't help themselves around them, they crave them, they need them, that they are completely overcome with lust at the mere sight of the sub doing something arousing, at the mere sound of that sexy, begging voice, and simply must have them this very second. Turning into a ravenous, sex-crazed beast at the drop of a hat is a perfectly legitimate way to be dominant, and surrendering to your partner's sudden, animalistic cravings at a moments notice without being teased and prepared until you are good and ready and fully in the mood ahead of time is a perfectly legitimate way to be submissive.