How to cope without my Daddy

[maryannem]

I was introduced to DD/lg (online) recently by the best Daddy Dom imaginable. I fell hard and fast into the deep end before I could swim, and consequently totally didn't know how to behave or have proper control over my feelings for him. To spare you the details, I panicked and messed things up with him, upsetting us both a lot in the process. We both knew we were as perfectly matched as it gets, so my skittish behaviour made no sense to either of us.

Anyway, weeks later, I'm just in tatters. Really, how do people cope with this kind of loss? I connected with him in ways I have never connected with anyone else. The sense of loss is overbearing. Yes, I know, weather it/get a backbone and take responsibility for my life. I know that. It doesn't help. How can the absence of someone I never even knew existed until recently be carving such a big hole in my every waking moment? I'm scared.

 

[sidonie45]

Oh sweet thing.

Your grieving. Most people don't know it but a person who's relationship has ended goes through the same grief process as if your significant partner, or close relative died. What once was is gone, and will never be anymore.

I think off hand there are about 8 phases of the grieving process, your in the one where you self blame. (google the grieving process and it will help you understand)
When my relationship ended with my very first love, I just wanted the earth to swallow me whole, and die, I didn’t know then I was grieving.

Ive realized, that here, we expend so much of ourselves describing things, wants needs, hopes and dreams, than we would if we were chatting to someone in rl.

Your ex Dom did you a disservice by not guiding you properly, and helping you to understand your feelings, and helping you to control them.
Im sorry you are going through this hurt and pain, but you will put it where it belongs, and move on, and a smarter and wiser person for it.

Hugs and kisses.

 

[4215]

I was introduced to DD/lg (online) recently by the best Daddy Dom imaginable. I fell hard and fast into the deep end before I could swim, and consequently totally didn't know how to behave or have proper control over my feelings for him. To spare you the details, I panicked and messed things up with him, upsetting us both a lot in the process. We both knew we were as perfectly matched as it gets, so my skittish behaviour made no sense to either of us.

Anyway, weeks later, I'm just in tatters. Really, how do people cope with this kind of loss? I connected with him in ways I have never connected with anyone else. The sense of loss is overbearing. Yes, I know, weather it/get a backbone and take responsibility for my life. I know that. It doesn't help. How can the absence of someone I never even knew existed until recently be carving such a big hole in my every waking moment? I'm scared.

Nothing in this world prepares you for coping with your loss , no matter how old you are , your Dom and yes I'm being critical , should have had more patience , knowing that you had nerves over a new situation .
You will now put up a wall and be reluctant to expose yourself to further hurt .
Time will teach you how to control and watch for the triggers that you are becoming too emotionally invested in your future Dom .
You will try again because your interest has been piqued , good luck !!

 

[Primalex]

Anyway, weeks later, I'm just in tatters. Really, how do people cope with this kind of loss?

I belong on the General Board instead of the How-To because I'm:

1) Really angry about all things

2) Not at all helpful

 

[SmileyGirl]

Two paracetamol daily for two weeks will help dull the physical symptoms you're experiencing. Social rejection is processed in the same area of the brain as physical pain, the anterior cingulate cortex. So taking paracetamol helps to dull the pain receptors. There's been a study into this, you can research it.

Experiencing emotional pain though is a somewhat healthy response, it's our brains supposed way of telling us not to repeat the same behaviour . I think I'd rather dull the pain.

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[fire_breeze]

I was introduced to DD/lg (online) recently by the best Daddy Dom imaginable. I fell hard and fast into the deep end before I could swim, and consequently totally didn't know how to behave or have proper control over my feelings for him. To spare you the details, I panicked and messed things up with him, upsetting us both a lot in the process. We both knew we were as perfectly matched as it gets, so my skittish behaviour made no sense to either of us.

Anyway, weeks later, I'm just in tatters. Really, how do people cope with this kind of loss? I connected with him in ways I have never connected with anyone else. The sense of loss is overbearing. Yes, I know, weather it/get a backbone and take responsibility for my life. I know that. It doesn't help. How can the absence of someone I never even knew existed until recently be carving such a big hole in my every waking moment? I'm scared.

Welcome to Lit.

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up.

He was your first dominant, and our first relationships, however form it took, marks us. So yes, it is understandable. But, at the end of the day, BDSM is still a relationship. It may involve whips or chains, or in the case of a DD/lg, a lot of protective caring, but it is a relationship. You will not be the first to fall fast and hard, not will you be last. Some fast and hards last; some do not. Even the brief, short, intense relationships are beautiful in their own way.

What raised up, though, a little flag is your description of him: that he was the 'perfect' daddy, and the best daddy imaginable. Please, do not take any offence, but if he was your first Daddy Dom, then how do you know he was the perfect and the best daddy? Again, without knowing any details (was this off-line or online, for example, how long and how intense was the relationship), it seems that you are pining away a mental image as opposed to a real person. Please do not take this the wrong way, but not individual is the perfect anything or the best anyone. I wonder if you are not missing what you thought could have been and that 'missing this best Daddy ever' is your way not face your feelings, not facing the fact that he may not have been as 'perfect' as you had hoped and avoiding dealing with reality. There is a certain solace and romanticism in mourning and pining, and while it is healthy to mourn the end of a relationship (no matter how long or brief it was), it is not healthy to dwell on it.

However, if you cannot get him out of your mind, if you feel like you cannot function, if you are forever dwelling, if you are beginning to obsess, then therapy might be in order. It isn't, I'm sorry to say, anyone's job but your own to 'control' feelings (whatever that means). You should be comfortable enough with your partner, and yes, even a Daddy, to say how you feel, no matter how intense. Healthy relationships, regardless of the dynamic, must have honest and open communication.

As pointed out by Primalex and from browsing your posts, you do seem to dwell on this break-up - at least, many of your posts seem to indicate this. First break-ups can be hard, but if it has been weeks and from all indications, this wasn't a very long relationship, and you are still feeling overwhelmed, there may be something else at play.

Find some place to quiet your mind and be brutally honest with yourself. An honest and solid relationship will not end because you were a little too intense. A solid BDSM relationship will definitely not end because you got a little skittish. It requires a certain level of trust and strength of communication before it can even include that dynamic, so all partners of the relationship should be on the same page and be able to communicate openly, so if your skittishness was the cause of the break-up, then he wasn't as open and honest with you to tell you that it upsets him (or whatever) so that you can communicate how to reassure the two of you (or whatever the specific details are).

Additionally, BDSM requires a level of trust and strength that goes beyond the novelty and the initial excitement. It adds a dimension of intensity that can run extremely deep, and that can be at times a bit terrifying, but you cannot expect your partner to handle that for you. If you cannot find that within yourself, you may wish to distance from the play a little until you figure out what YOU want, what YOU need, and not what the other can give you. If you what YOU need is your former daddy, then you may wish to check therapy, as no person should be what you need - the term for that is obsession and that is never ever healthy.

I wish to reassure you that it's okay to feel a bit lost. BDSM is exciting. It is intense and to suddenly lose that can be shocking, but that is part and parcel of the dynamic. Heal first, and then see what you want.

Good luck, heal and stay safe

 

[sidonie45]

Two paracetamol daily for two weeks will help dull the physical symptoms you're experiencing. Social rejection is processed in the same area of the brain as physical pain, the anterior cingulate cortex. So taking paracetamol helps to dull the pain receptors. There's been a study into this, you can research it.

Experiencing emotional pain though is a somewhat healthy response, it's our brains supposed way of telling us not to repeat the same behaviour . I think I'd rather dull the pain.

I hope you feel better soon.

I never knew that about paracetamol. Thanks SmileyGirl. You've given me something to look into and read up on.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

I never knew that about paracetamol. Thanks SmileyGirl. You've given me something to look into and read up on.

it's tylenol. take two tylenol and get on with your day.

 

[Primalex]

Two paracetamol daily for two weeks will help dull the physical symptoms you're experiencing. Social rejection is processed in the same area of the brain as physical pain, the anterior cingulate cortex. So taking paracetamol helps to dull the pain receptors. There's been a study into this

funded by your helpful drug manufacturer.

 

[sidonie45]

it's tylenol. take two tylenol and get on with your day.

Thanks GiggLeGasm
There's quite a bit of literature on it out there in google land.

 

[seamus221]

Thanks GiggLeGasm
There's quite a bit of literature on it out there in google land.

I learned a few things here so that's my achievement for the day and now for a nap TTFN!

 

[box13]

I thought it was odd that in "Unveiled" the author (from some blog posting, I guess) mentioned that online relationships tend to move faster and are more emotionally open than other real life ones...mostly because they're composed of just thoughts, so communication is all you have, which makes it more intense. But looking back, I do find that it's true-ish.

I don't know why you're only blaming yourself for what went wrong. It's unlikely that this is actually true; that you're entirely at fault.

But now you've learned something about yourself that you didn't know before, and it's time to move forward and try again. Maybe the next time won't be so "perfect" but it could be more rewarding.