How can I imporove these two paragraphs

[tomlitilia]

Not sure if AH is the best for this, but anyway... For the sake of improving my writing, I'm wondering if you have any tips in terms of improving the flow of this excerpt of a story I'm writing. It's the first two paragraph of the story. For instance, is it always clear which of the two women the pronouns refer to?

With Julia's long legs it didn't take much effort to reach the ball in time, even though her friend had used all her strength to smash it towards the back corner of the squash court. She effortlessly placed the return in the opposite corner. Anna tried her best to get it, but she didn't have the same athletic build and she wasn't even close. She was getting increasingly tired and frustrated.

“Why do I even play with you?”

Julia just shrugged her shoulders as she picked up the ball. Since Anna joined a big firm, they had regularly been using the company fitness center for exercise. It wasn't big – just a squash court and a small gym – but it was conveniently close to Julia's home. It might have been a good idea to let her friend win from time to time, but she knew that taking a dive would be more humiliating for Anna.

 

[TxRad]

With Julia's long legs it didn't take much effort to reach the ball in time, even though her friend had used all her strength to smash it towards the back corner of the squash court. She effortlessly placed the return in the opposite corner. Anna tried her best to get it, but she didn't have the same athletic build and she wasn't even close. She was getting increasingly tired and frustrated.

“Why do I even play with you?”

Julia just shrugged her shoulders as she picked up the ball. Since Anna joined a big firm, they had regularly been using the company fitness center for exercise. It wasn't big – just a squash court and a small gym – but it was conveniently close to Julia's home. It might have been a good idea to let her friend win from time to time, but she knew that taking a dive would be more humiliating for Anna.

------------------------------------

The only change I see is the words in bold would work better as "the".

 

[oggbashan]

The sentences are too long for an action scene.

With Julia's long legs it didn't take much effort to reach the ball in time, even though her friend had used all her strength to smash it towards the back corner of the squash court. She effortlessly placed the return in the opposite corner. Anna tried her best to get it, but she didn't have the same athletic build and she wasn't even close. She was getting increasingly tired and frustrated.

“Why do I even play with you?”

Julia just shrugged her shoulders as she picked up the ball. Since Anna joined a big firm, they had regularly been using the company fitness center for exercise. It wasn't big – just a squash court and a small gym – but it was conveniently close to Julia's home. It might have been a good idea to let her friend win from time to time, but she knew that taking a dive would be more humiliating for Anna.

A suggestion:

Anna smashed the squash ball as hard as she could. Julia retrieved it easily, placing out of Anna's reach as usual.

"Why do I play with you?" Anna complained.

Julia shrugged. Her legs were longer than Anna's. It might not be fair but she couldn't let Anna win. Anna would know if Julia played at less than her hardest.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I didn't have any trouble with pronoun confusion. Context left me in no doubt of who the "she"s were. However, this bit needs tweaking:

It might have been a good idea to let her friend win from time to time, but she knew that taking a dive would be more humiliating for Anna.

"taking a dive would be more humiliating for Anna" would mean the scenario of Anna taking a dive, which isn't your intended meaning.

"...she knew that her taking a dive..." would be grammatically correct, but that does feel a little ambiguous. Maybe refactor e.g. "It might have been a good idea to take a dive from time to time, but she knew that Anna would be humiliated if she thought Julia was letting her win".

 

[rjordan]

A suggestion:

Anna smashed the squash ball as hard as she could. Julia retrieved it easily, placing out of Anna's reach as usual.

"Why do I play with you?" Anna complained.

Julia shrugged. Her legs were longer than Anna's. It might not be fair but she couldn't let Anna win. Anna would know if Julia played at less than her hardest.

I had no problem at all with pronoun confusion or following the action, but Oggs suggestion is SO much crisper, matching the action of a squash game.

rj

 

[sr71plt]

It isn't clear to me who said "Why do I play with you?" It could be either one of them in this context. If Julia said it, she answered her own question in the next paragraph--she bothers because Anna has access to a gym close to where Julia lives that Julia can use when with Anna. But Julia's shrug could be to Anna saying it. The current trend of dropping dialogue slugs begs going too far.

Beyond that, the first "with" phrase could be set off with a comma under publishing standards (being conservative and keeping everything quite clear for the reader. The Chicago Manual of Style [6.36] unhelpfully says that short introductory clauses need not be set off by a comma, but it doesn't say what "short" is. Most publishers consider three words to be short).

I don't find the sentences too long or otherwise awkward. I assume you are British, because "towards" is British style and "toward" is U.S. style.

As most here probably know, I go with professional editorial standards--not changing the author's choices and voice by recasting in my own voice.

 

[NotWise]

For the sake of improving my writing, I'm wondering if you have any tips in terms of improving the flow of this excerpt of a story I'm writing.

Anna smashed the ball into the back corner or the squash court with all of her strength, but Julia reached it in long, effortless strides and placed her return in the opposite corner. Anna scrambled to reach the ball, but without Julia's athletic build she couldn't get close.

“Why do I even play with you?” Anna groaned. She was growing increasingly tired and frustrated.

Julia replied with a shrug and picked up the ball. They became regulars at the company fitness center after Anna joined the firm. The center wasn't big – just a squash court and a small gym – but it was convenient from Julia's home. She might have let Anna win from time to time but she knew that Anna would be humiliated if she detected a dive.

 

[Handley_Page]

I had no problem at all with pronoun confusion or following the action, but Oggs suggestion is SO much crisper, matching the action of a squash game.

rj

His writing usually is.

 

[GforGraham]

Using so many she and her is confusing. You are leaving it to the interpretation of the reader. I understand your story but only in the way I interpret it.
Suggest you break into more sentences and name the person in each to which the she and her refers.
Change the sentences so they do not all start with Julia... . Julia that... . Julia something else... .

 

[rjordan]

His writing usually is.

I wasn't criticizing the OP. Just admiring a master.

rj

 

[HandsInTheDark]

The sentences are too long for an action scene.

... A suggestion:

Anna smashed the squash ball as hard as she could. Julia retrieved it easily, placing out of Anna's reach as usual.

"Why do I play with you?" Anna complained.

Julia shrugged. Her legs were longer than Anna's. It might not be fair but she couldn't let Anna win. Anna would know if Julia played at less than her hardest.

This, mostly. I don't absolutely agree the scene needs to be as terse as possible, unless you're going to describe the action in an ongoing fashion. But making it crisp pulls the reader in; you were drowning them with detail. I don't know Julie or anna yet so I don't care about a company fitness center. It's enough that they're on a squash court and the match is unequal.

Anna smashed the squash ball as hard as she could. Julia loped after it easily, and slammed it low and fast. Anna dove after it, but it sailed past her, well out of reach.

"Six zero, isn't it?" Julia smiled, winningly.

"Why do I play with you?" Anna complained.

Julia retrieved the ball, chuckling. "Exercise, I assume..."

Here I've implied the long legs with the loping, left out details that I don't care about yet, and started to give hints about their personalities. The score suggests Julia is not willing to throw the game.

 

[SamScribble]

If it was me, I'd trash them and start again.

Pretty much everything that we write needs a bit of tweaking. But if you can't see what to do in reasonably short order, it's often better to start over again. Just a suggestion.

 

[Sammael Bard]

It's hard to suggest something "better" without redoing the entire excerpt. Anyway, I'll throw my 2 cents in here, FWIW.

With Julia's long legs it didn't take much effort to reach the ball in time, even though her friend had used all her strength to smash it towards the back corner of the squash court. She effortlessly placed the return in the opposite corner. Anna tried her best to get it, but she didn't have the same athletic build and she wasn't even close. She was getting increasingly tired and frustrated.

Writing action is an art. Don't spoil it by distracting readers with details that do nothing other than increasing word count. Short, crisp sentences are more effective than long sentences trying to dabble with everything at once. But use too many short sentences and your writing becomes stackatoed and terse. So strike a balance between these two.

Also, try using an active voice wherever you can. It's a great device for making action scenes precise and fluid. I'd try something like this:

Anna smashed the ball hard towards the back corner of the squash court, but Julia retrieved it easily. She effortlessly returned it to the opposite corner, way out her friend's reach.

I'll leave Anna's frustration and tiredness separate from this sequence to give it a better exposure, away from this action.

“Why do I even play with you?”

Julia just shrugged her shoulders as she picked up the ball. Since Anna joined a big firm, they had regularly been using the company fitness center for exercise. It wasn't big – just a squash court and a small gym –but it was conveniently close to Julia's home. It might have been a good idea to let her friend win from time to time, but she knew that taking a dive would be more humiliating for Anna.

I've pointed out some redundant things for you by underlining them. It's hard to say what is useless and what isn't because I'm not seeing the complete picture. Does the size of the fitness center matter? Does the distance between the fitness center and Julia's home have to do anything with this excerpt? And so on.

Conversations are a great way to convey emotions. Use it wisely. It's not always necessary to point out who said what if you've made the context of your action clear beforehand, so I found nothing wrong with what you've written.

Conveying your excerpt in my style:

“Why do I even play with you?” Anna was tired. And frustrated. She couldn't decide which.

Julia just shrugged her shoulders as she picked up the ball. It might have been a good idea to let her friend win from time to time, but she knew that taking a dive would be more humiliating for Anna.


Any more editing than this and you'll be looking at a ghost writer. I've tried to keep your content as original as I could. In the end, it's your story, not mine.

Hope that helps.

 

[timelord1963]

Improve paragraphs

Do the legs have silk fishnet stockings? Are the legs and pushy shaved? Is she wet because she wanted to feel the cum drip down her thigh all night? I try to find out what kind of act I want, the how would people act. If I ha e not used a person for awhile I can think about them.
Space out the activities, Add questions to every situations while only giving them partial answers. Do not be a friend to space out a situatiin 20 pages, by then you may have thought of a new angle. I tend to think like Agatha gristle where there are always a couple items that come out if left field.

 

[rjordan]

I tend to think like Agatha gristle where there are always a couple items that come out if left field.

Not unlike this post.

Always a pleasure meeting another Agatha Gristle fan. There are so few of us.

rj

 

[Boxlicker101]

It isn't clear to me who said "Why do I play with you?" It could be either one of them in this context. If Julia said it, she answered her own question in the next paragraph--she bothers because Anna has access to a gym close to where Julia lives that Julia can use when with Anna. But Julia's shrug could be to Anna saying it. The current trend of dropping dialogue slugs begs going too far.

Beyond that, the first "with" phrase could be set off with a comma under publishing standards (being conservative and keeping everything quite clear for the reader. The Chicago Manual of Style [6.36] unhelpfully says that short introductory clauses need not be set off by a comma, but it doesn't say what "short" is. Most publishers consider three words to be short).

I don't find the sentences too long or otherwise awkward. I assume you are British, because "towards" is British style and "toward" is U.S. style.

As most here probably know, I go with professional editorial standards--not changing the author's choices and voice by recasting in my own voice.

The first phrase should be separated from the rest of the sentence, but it's a prepositional phrase, not a clause. Otherwise, I agree with you.

 

[Boxlicker101]

This, mostly. I don't absolutely agree the scene needs to be as terse as possible, unless you're going to describe the action in an ongoing fashion. But making it crisp pulls the reader in; you were drowning them with detail. I don't know Julie or anna yet so I don't care about a company fitness center. It's enough that they're on a squash court and the match is unequal.

Anna smashed the squash ball as hard as she could. Julia loped after it easily, and slammed it low and fast. Anna dove after it, but it sailed past her, well out of reach.

"Six zero, isn't it?" Julia smiled, winningly.

"Why do I play with you?" Anna complained.

Julia retrieved the ball, chuckling. "Exercise, I assume..."

Here I've implied the long legs with the loping, left out details that I don't care about yet, and started to give hints about their personalities. The score suggests Julia is not willing to throw the game.

Avoid Tom Swifties!

 

[tomlitilia]

The sentences are too long for an action scene.

With Julia's long legs it didn't take much effort to reach the ball in time, even though her friend had used all her strength to smash it towards the back corner of the squash court. She effortlessly placed the return in the opposite corner. Anna tried her best to get it, but she didn't have the same athletic build and she wasn't even close. She was getting increasingly tired and frustrated.

“Why do I even play with you?”

Julia just shrugged her shoulders as she picked up the ball. Since Anna joined a big firm, they had regularly been using the company fitness center for exercise. It wasn't big – just a squash court and a small gym – but it was conveniently close to Julia's home. It might have been a good idea to let her friend win from time to time, but she knew that taking a dive would be more humiliating for Anna.

A suggestion:

Anna smashed the squash ball as hard as she could. Julia retrieved it easily, placing out of Anna's reach as usual.

"Why do I play with you?" Anna complained.

Julia shrugged. Her legs were longer than Anna's. It might not be fair but she couldn't let Anna win. Anna would know if Julia played at less than her hardest.

Thanks for good sugestions. A reason for why I phrased it the way I did is that Julia is the main character of the story (which you of course can't know from the two paragraphs). It seemed right to introduce her first. Am I over-thinking it?

 

[oggbashan]

Thanks for good sugestions. A reason for why I phrased it the way I did is that Julia is the main character of the story (which you of course can't know from the two paragraphs). It seemed right to introduce her first. Am I over-thinking it?

The advice for many of us is simple: Show, don't tell. Telling is only essential if you are into Sci-Fi and Fantasy worlds, but even then showing is more effective.

In my opinion, you were trying to tell us too much in those two paragraphs.

Although you might need to set the scene in the office gym, and introduce Julia, you can let information about her and the location come out gradually as the people interact.

Sometimes I find it useful to have a check list of information I want the readers to know - the character's name, physical build, skills, weaknesses etc. I can work that into the story telling gradually but some things have to come earlier than others if they are essential to the plot.

That list sometimes identifies information that is unimportant. Do we care that the character has shoulder-length brunette hair? Would it matter if she had blond cropped hair? Is her hair an essential part of her character?

Too much information slows down a story and/or can kill it. We are usually writing SHORT stories for Literotica so we need to be careful only to include facts that are necessary for the story. It is too easy to write a 20,000 word story when it would be much better as a 10,000 word one.

The point I made before, and others picked up on - the two paragraphs described a squash game. Squash is fast-moving and the description of it should be the same, perhaps even brutally crisp. The pacing of your two paragraphs was closer to a gentle stroll in a park.

BUT - if this is the start of your story, it is a good one. Beginning with a squash match shows Julia being honest about her drive to win and her refusal to give less than her best. You have told us a considerable amount about her character. The details about her, where the squash game is played and the office relationship between Julia and Anna can come AFTER the game has ended.

 

[DreamCloud]

I would add more personality to the snippet. I suspect a friendship between the two, so I would move to reinforce that. I prefer when dialog supports the thoughts.

Julia effortlessly positioned herself and returned the ball to the opposite corner with precision. Anna grunted as she forced her body to switch directions at the unexpected return. It mattered not. Julia had placed the ball out of reach.

“Why do I even play with you?” Anna said, her lungs working twice as hard a Julia’s. Physically, there was little difference between the two women though Julia was blessed with extra athletic talent that Anna found frustrating.

“Squash is a game of position,” Julia said as she picked up the ball, “you commit your body too early, giving me an obvious target.”

Julia lined up to serve again, thinking she should blow a point or two. She enjoyed the workout and Anna’s friendship. Defeatism might ruin things. It was Anna’s job, and the company fitness center that came with it, that made the bi-weekly game possible.

“Don’t even think it.” Anna smiled as she bent her knees and bounced on the balls of her feet.

“What?”

“I don’t need any pity points,” Anna replied, “just serve the damn thing.”

 

[sr71plt]

The first phrase should be separated from the rest of the sentence, but it's a prepositional phrase, not a clause. Otherwise, I agree with you.

Then you agree with me all the way, since I called it a phrase: ". . . the first "with" phrase . . ."

 

[sr71plt]

Am I over-thinking it?

Probably. There's no compelling reason to mention the protagonist first.

 

[le_kitty]

I would add more personality to the snippet. I suspect a friendship between the two, so I would move to reinforce that. I prefer when dialog supports the thoughts.

Julia effortlessly positioned herself and returned the ball to the opposite corner with precision. Anna grunted as she forced her body to switch directions at the unexpected return. It mattered not. Julia had placed the ball out of reach.

“Why do I even play with you?” Anna said, her lungs working twice as hard a Julia’s. Physically, there was little difference between the two women though Julia was blessed with extra athletic talent that Anna found frustrating.

“Squash is a game of position,” Julia said as she picked up the ball, “you commit your body too early, giving me an obvious target.”

Julia lined up to serve again, thinking she should blow a point or two. She enjoyed the workout and Anna’s friendship. Defeatism might ruin things. It was Anna’s job, and the company fitness center that came with it, that made the bi-weekly game possible.

“Don’t even think it.” Anna smiled as she bent her knees and bounced on the balls of her feet.

“What?”

“I don’t need any pity points,” Anna replied, “just serve the damn thing.”

I really really like this. DC you've gone beyond what the OP requested but I am actually curious about these characters now. I love that a simple squash game can be written this way to reveal so much about them. Cheers for sharing.

 

[sr71plt]

Assuming the squash game has squat to do with the story.

As usual, most couldn't resist swamping the original authors' voice and content with their own. (But then I guess the OP asked for that.) It's what happens when you write by committee.

 

[le_kitty]

Assuming the squash game has squat to do with the story.

As usual, most couldn't resist swamping the original authors' voice and content with their own. (But then I guess the OP asked for that.) It's what happens when you write by committee.

But then I guess the OP asked for that.


So what's the problem?

Everyone has offered good insights. I found my attention spiked by that one because it added to the tomlitilia's original one enough that it became interesting to me. Writers want readers to be interested and curious about their characters.

It's what happens when you write by committee.

It's what happens when you ask other writers for advice and they deliver.