JOKES, clean, dirty, slightly offensive...

[ga400us]

Peeing On My Flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was
ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through
a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give
me $20 or off it comes!’

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

[Bdgirl]

Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling?
He wanted to go where no one had gone before.

 

[Bdgirl]

What was the illness that was passed around the Enterprise?
Chicken Spocks

 

[Bdgirl]

What was the first thing that Captain Kirk said to Scotty after being beemed downed the first time?
Scotty, beem down my clothes!

 

[Iceprincess12]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

 

[Iceprincess12]

So I asked a blonde, "Which is closer, Florida or the Sun?" She said, "The Sun, because I can look up and see it.

 

[Bdgirl]

How do you make Holy Water?
you boil the Hell out of it.

 

[emmy_christina]

1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
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2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.
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4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
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5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

He only comes once a year.
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7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
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8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
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10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?

There are twenty of them.
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12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lick-a-lotta-puss.
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14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
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15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
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16. What’s the best part about gardening?

Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
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17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

They both irritate the shit out of you.
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18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

The man.
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19. Why do vegetarians give good head?

Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
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20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

A submarine.
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21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.
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22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?

They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
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23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
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25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
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26. What did the penis say to the vagina?

Don’t make me come in there!
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27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
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28. What’s another name for a vagina?

The box a penis comes in.
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29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
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30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?

Fucking hot!
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31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

 

[NYC_Man]

funny emmy

 

[emmy_christina]

funny emmy

Good. here some more…….

32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?

Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.

33. How is life like a penis?

Your girlfriend makes it hard.

34. Why do women have orgasms?

Just another reason to moan, really.

35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

Phil!

37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor.

38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

39. Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

40. How is sex like a game of bridge?

If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.

41. What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

43. What did the O say to the Q?

Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob. TC mark

 

[Bdgirl]

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese

 

[Bdgirl]

What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?
it is going to take me more than 3 minutes to get hard. I got laid last night.

 

[sybarite_1]

Ha Ha
I subscribed...
Keep them cummin'

 

[jaF0]

Chinese girl marries Vietnamese boy. They move to the US.

She can't figure out why people look at her funny when she tells them her name -- Ho Lee Phuc

 

[sybarite_1]

Giggle. Thanks!

 

[Bdgirl]

Girlfriend catches her boyfriend usind the hairdryer on his cock.
"What the hell are you doing?" She asks
"Heating up your dinner!" He replies

 

[beachbaby179]

Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.
Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."
The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

 

[Leigh81]

Christmas

A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something
about being back in a little bit. After getting through the line,
the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to
do, the wife called him on the mobile.

The wife said, "Where are you?"


He said " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago,
and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it
at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes,
I do remember that shop", she replied.

"I'm in the bar next to that."

L

 

[lilydance]

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

 

[starrynightin64]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[sybarite_1]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

I like it!

 

[thebeesknees]

Innuendo.....is not an Italian suppository.....

 

[DarkSimian]

How do you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!

 

[thebeesknees]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger".
"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nodded and Silver was brought before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.

Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse," but we will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asked to speak to his horse. Silver came to him, and he again whispered
in the horse's ear. As before, Silver took off and disappeared over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief said: "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But we will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone." The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone,
the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said,

Listen Very Carefully You Dumb Ass Horse! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...

"BRING POSSE!"

 

[thebeesknees]

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2015
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is for employees only!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2015
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2015
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2015
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2015
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2015
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan